Family
When Zac made it home from work that night, he was utterly exhausted. It was absurd how much working exhausted him, even when it wasn’t anything that could be remotely construed as physical labor. He supposed it was all of the people—having to put on a happy face, make small talk and be both charming and effective at his job was more than someone like Zac could do without it taking a major toll.
He had grabbed a soft pretzel on his way out the mall—Melissa may have had a point about his budgeting abilities—and stuffed his face with it as he drove home. That meant he wasn’t even hungry and didn’t need to deal with the work involved in cooking. Unsurprisingly, Taylor wasn’t home anyway, so there was really no reason at all to have an actual dinner.
Instead, Zac just took a quick shower and fell into bed with still-wet hair and nothing on but a pair of old sweatpants. Before laying down, he checked his phone and saw that Melissa had finally texted him back.
He typed a quick reply, telling her that it was his problem, not hers, but he appreciated the offer anyway, even if he didn’t think it was a good idea. No, this was all his to figure out. All he needed from Melissa was emotional support. But the main thing he needed right then was to sleep for ten or twenty hours. Zac sat his phone on his nightstand, and as soon as his head hit the pillow, he was out.
He was awoken some time later by the feeling of the bed shifting under someone else’s weight. He hadn’t heard the apartment door, or even his bedroom door, open.
“Taylor?” Zac said, his voice barely above a whisper.
“Who else would it be?” Taylor’s tone was teasing, not truly sarcastic, a far cry from their conversation that morning.
“The Easter bunny,” Zac replied, still half asleep.
Taylor laughed softly. “I’m sorry I’ve been such an asshole about this whole break thing. It’s like everything else we’ve done—it’s new. It’s new and I don’t know how to navigate any of it. So I’m sorry. I’m trying to figure it out, but I know I’ve done a terrible job.”
“I haven’t done great either,” Zac admitted, rolling over to face Taylor. All he could make out was the outline of his body, but that was enough; he had every detail memorized.
“Yeah, but,” Taylor sighed. “I’m the older brother. I’m supposed to be better, stronger, set a good example for you. And I haven’t.”
“The only thing you’re supposed to do is let go and let yourself make mistakes without constantly beating yourself up for them. You have so much love, Tay, and none of it for yourself.”
“Maybe I did do my job,” Taylor said, making Zac jump slightly when his hand came to rest on Zac’s cheek. “Because you are so, so smart. And I can’t take much credit for that, but I’m so proud of you.”
“Does that mean you’re going to take my advice?”
Taylor let out a soft laugh. “Yeah, we’ll see. All I can offer you is that I’ll try. I may succeed as much as I’ve succeeded at this whole break thing. But I’ll try, Zac.”
“That’s all I ask,” Zac replied, his voice coming out soft and low, betraying the fact that he was near tears.
Zac swore he had never worn his heart on his sleeve before Taylor came back. But it was Taylor, his brother. He would always be able to see right through him, no matter how hard Zac might have tried to conceal what he was really thinking and feeling.
“Get some sleep,” Zac said, after clearing his throat. “We’ve got Melissa’s graduation to go to tomorrow.”
“Goodnight, Zac,” Taylor replied, and though it was still too dark to make out his features, Zac was certain he was smiling. Right then, that was enough.
Melissa’s graduation ceremony was held in the football stadium, rows and rows of folding chairs sitting on the field to accommodate all of the graduates. It was only the second time Zac had set foot in the stadium in the entire time he’d been in college; his marching band days ended when he graduated from high school, though now he couldn’t really say why. He had always loved to play music.
Art and music were the two things he had lived for, but both had become a chore. It just took art a little longer to become one, although he had finally rediscovered the love of it now that Taylor was back in his life. Maybe he could rediscover music, too. He didn’t even own a drum kit anymore. He had sold that after his sophomore year of college, when all it was doing was gathering dust in his parents’ garage.
“What are you thinking about?” Taylor asked, his voice raised to be heard around the din of other friends and family filing into the stadium.
Zac shook his head and gave Taylor a weak smile. “Oh, nothing.”
“It didn’t look like nothing,” Taylor said.
“The past, I guess. Art… and music.” Zac glanced away, feeling like he had already admitted too much.
“You used to be so good at the drums,” Taylor replied, absent-mindedly running a hand up and down Zac’s arm. It raised goosebumps even though it was almost sickeningly hot out that day. “I wasn’t going to question it or anything, because I figured you’d tell me in time, but you never talk about playing anymore.”
“Because I don’t,” Zac replied. “I mean, I don’t play anymore. I haven’t since high school.”
“I hope it wasn’t because of… I mean, I just feel like so much about who you are was determined by—changed by—me.” Taylor’s expression darkened, and before he could stop himself, Zac reached out and put his hand over Taylor’s.
“No, Tay. Of course you leaving influenced who I am. But you being in my life at all did, too, and still does. Everything about you is a part of me, too. Would I be different if you hadn’t—if they hadn’t disowned you? Yeah. So would you. But who we are now is who we are, and I don’t know about you, but I don’t have a time machine.”
“Okay, okay,” Taylor said, squeezing Zac’s hand. “I’d still like to hear you play some music again.”
“Maybe someday. We’ll see.”
Zac wasn’t so sure that was a promise he could keep, but he did say maybe. Before he could equivocate any more, the ceremony started.
It was long and full of tedious speeches. Zac was almost as bored as he’d been at his own the year before, but at least in the stands, there was a little bit of shade. Out there on the field, he had felt he might pass out, and the only thing that kept him upright was the image of falling over and dropping his mortarboard.
Zac couldn’t seem to muster up any happiness on that day, and he knew it was all because his brother wasn’t there. He wanted to say something now, but he couldn’t find the words. He wanted to do what he had told Taylor to do–stop dwelling on the past. He wanted to just move forward and build a new life with each other, a life that wasn’t based on the trauma they’d been put through. A life that was all their own and not one of their parents’ making.
It felt like years had passed by the time the ceremony finally ended; it probably didn’t help that Zac spent most of it lost in bittersweet memories. When they finally called Melissa’s name, he shamelessly stood up and gave the longest, loudest whistle he could manage. Even though he knew it was impossible, Melissa glanced up in the stands and seemed to immediately find him. He hoped she was embarrassed; it was exactly the reaction he was going for, and he didn’t care at all.
The crowd was like a roiling sea at the end, everyone rushing to find their friends and family, to say their goodbyes to classmates, to gather up far flung caps. It was practically a miracle that Zac and Taylor were able to locate Melissa; it helped that her family was like a small circus. Zac had the thought that it was like Russian nesting dolls—all of them were curly blondes just like Melissa. Although her parents had gone gray, the resemblance was still obvious.
“Hey!” She cried out, grabbing Zac’s arm and pulling him in. He took hold of Taylor’s hand just to be sure not to lose him in the crowd. “I’m so, so, so glad you guys were able to make it. I was a little concerned.”
“I wasn’t sure we would make it, either,” Zac said, and he wasn’t so sure he was only talking about the graduation ceremony.
Melissa pulled Zac closer to her family. “Guys, this is Zac, and his—umm, Taylor. And this is the entire Dillon clan. Mom and Dad—Charles and Sharon. And from oldest to youngest, that’s Christopher, Kelly, Jason, Daniel, Chelsea and Kaitlin. Don’t worry, there won’t be a quiz later.”
Zac laughed, but he could feel Taylor tensing by his side. Maybe it was because of Melissa’s awkward introduction, almost spilling the beans. Zac wasn’t even sure what she had stopped herself from saying, and he knew he wouldn’t ever ask.
“Are you boys students here too?” Melissa’s father asked.
“I graduated last year,” Zac replied, choosing to leave out the rest of the details. “Taylor just moved here not too long ago. He went to college in New York.”
“Oh, wow,” Melissa’s oldest sister replied. “I’ve only ever been there once. Senior trip.”
“Oh, it wasn’t New York City,” Taylor finally spoke. “It’s fun, though. I’m kind of a big city sort of person, I guess. But I landed here anyway. Not that Austin is small.”
“It’s no New York or LA, though,” Melissa added. She cleared her throat, and added more quietly, “So, I don’t know if you guys have plans for later, but I was hoping maybe you would join me after I have dinner with my family. I love them to death, but they’re just so much. A few drinks afterward should cleanse my palate.”
Zac gave Taylor a look. It was one hundred percent up to him, and he wanted Taylor to know that. He knew that Taylor was the clubbing type, but with everything that had happened lately and their blow up about Taylor’s night out still so fresh, Zac wasn’t sure that even Taylor would agree to Melissa’s plans. Melissa had to know and understand all of that, too, which was no doubt why she had phrased her invitation so delicately.
“Where did you have in mind?” Taylor finally asked.
“Cheer Up Charlies? Or we could hit some place more low key. There’s that jazz club just down the street, too. I’ve heard good things about it.”
Zac had never heard of either of them. He had no opinion to offer on the matter, except that he thought the name of the club was ironic, given the circumstances.
“Oh, that’s—that’s not where I usually go. But I’ve heard good things about it. They’re supposed to have a good drag show.”
“Honey, you’re a good drag show,” Melissa said, her voice still low. Zac had a feeling her parents really didn’t know anything at all about their daughter. It didn’t seem to stop her from being loud and proud about the sort of person she really was; he hoped and prayed he could be that strong someday.
“Okay, then,” Zac said. “We’ll meet you there later?”
“Around nine-ish?” Melissa suggested, her expression suggesting that she hoped Zac would survive that long.
“Yeah,” he replied, giving her a smile. “We’ll be there.”
They made small talk for a few minutes longer with her family, and with every second that passed, he became more jealous that Melissa had such a support system. They were obviously far more conservative than her, but it was clear that they loved her. Maybe they would be more accepting than she expected them to be. Maybe some people were capable of opening their minds.
He knew his parents wouldn’t be, especially if they knew the full truth. Not that it mattered; it took so little to fall short of their expectations that Zac knew it would really only have been a matter of time. Even if he had never found Taylor, he would have still found some other way of disappointing them.
All he could hope for was to reach a point where he didn’t disappoint himself.