First Day
The two brothers did not sleep in the same bed that night, or for the next three nights. Zac wasn’t sure why he had expected one dinner to change everything, to magically wipe the slate clean, but it had not. There was still a practically tangible wall between them, a distance he knew was his fault and that he could not bridge.
On the third day, he received a phone call from the store with instructions on what to do the next day so that all of his paperwork could be sorted out and he could begin working. He would be jumping right in that afternoon, and so a quick description of the uniform was given to him. He didn’t think that was really enough time to prepare, and he screwed up his nose at the items described. It wasn’t anything unusual, but it didn’t sound like him at all.
No, that wasn’t entirely true. As he stood in front of the bathroom mirror, trying to tug and adjust his outfit into something comfortable, he realized the outfit—a black polo and khaki pants–was made up entirely out of pieces Carly had picked out for him. He was dressed as the man she had wanted him to be, then man he had almost, for a short period of time, convinced himself he was. It had only been months since their relationship ended, and yet it felt like years when he thought about all that had changed since then.
Had things changed? There was no question about that, Zac supposed. But had he changed, too? Or had he finally figured out who he actually was all along? These questions were too heavy for so early in the morning, and he shook his head as though he could shake them out and move on from them with a blank, empty mind.
“That’s a different look for you.” Taylor’s reflection in the mirror gave a weak smile. Zac had not even noticed him and had no idea how long he had been standing there.
Zac made a face. “It’s for work. I get an apron too, as if this isn’t bad enough. I have to be there soon, and I’m just…”
“Just what?” Taylor asked, stepping in closer, so close that Zac could his feel body heat close behind him.
Zac shook his head. “I don’t know, it’s just a lot to think about. A lot on my mind lately. I don’t know if taking this job was the right thing, you know? I mean, I need the money but I’m just… not ready, I guess.”
“You’ll be fine,” Taylor said, placing a hand on Zac’s back. It was just a bit too low to be entirely friendly, and Zac tried not to stiffen or pause. “Just relax and follow whatever instructions they give you. It’s going to be a lot, on your first day, but you’re so fucking smart. You don’t even know. You just have a big learning curve right now, but you’ll handle it. You’ve handled so much.”
“I bring a lot of it on myself, though, don’t I? I don’t think I can act all high and mighty about handling the problems I’ve created for myself.”
“It’s not about high and mighty,” Taylor replied. “It’s just about giving yourself some credit instead of constantly beating yourself up. You’re… god, you don’t even know how wonderful you are, do you? How strong and resilient, but sweet and caring at the same time. You—I love you, Zac, and I’m sorry for all of this shit lately.’
The word was thrown out so casually that Zac almost didn’t notice it. Did he even mean it the way Zac wanted him to? He wasn’t sure it even mattered. He leaned back against Taylor but didn’t speak.
Taylor wrapped his arms around Zac’s waist. “How long do you have to be there today? Maybe I can bring you lunch or meet you for lunch or something. I’m off today and tomorrow, though.”
“Lucky you,” Zac replied. “I think they said I’d be filling out paperwork for about two hours and then just two hours training and orientation stuff afterward… so I’ll finish up around three, probably?”
“I’ll come by around that time,” Taylor said, offering Zac’s reflection a more genuine smile than he could remember seeing for a long time.
Zac returned the smile the best that he could. Somehow, his looked hollow and empty compared to his brother’s. “That would be really good. I’ll see you then.”
“I would say I’ll give you a call before I head your way, but I don’t imagine they’ll let you have your phone out while you’re working. So I’ll see you later. Break a leg, or whatever you tell people when they start a new job.”
“Break a leg works,” Zac replied, letting out a soft laugh. He tried to ignore the way it made butterflies
flutter in his stomach when Taylor leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to his hair. He might not have even realized Taylor had done it if he hadn’t seen it in the mirror.
He wanted to say something else, anything else, but he couldn’t find the words. In a matter of seconds, Taylor was gone, almost like he had never been there at all. Then there was nothing left to do. Zac picked up his hairbrush and screwed up his face in the mirror. A ponytail would make him look more presentable for his first day at work, he supposed.
Work. It seemed daunting somehow, to think about. He hadn’t had a real job in… well, ever. All he had ever done were odd jobs, mowing grass, painting, things like that. Tis sort of thing, with paperwork and clocking in and out, was all new to him, and he felt like an idiot child for only now reaching this point in his life. He was twenty-three for god’s sake.
And he was going to be late for his first day of he didn’t stop feeling sorry for himself, he realized. He quickly finished trying his hair back and gathered up his things. It was now or never. If he was going to prove to himself that he wasn’t a complete failure, this was his only chance.
There were a billion new things to learn. All the paperwork had made Zac’s head spin, and he didn’t think there was a soap strong enough to wash off the ink from his fingerprinting. Trying to remember everything that everyone said to him was a monumental task that he wasn’t sure he was up to.
After the paperwork down at the mall’s main offices, he was thrown right into the deep end at the store, with an apron strapped to his waist and tiny cheat sheets to show him how to run the point of sale system.
In the end, he was only scheduled for about three hours of actual work, but it was more than enough.
His badge clearly showed that he was a trainee, and so most of the customers he had encountered were friendly and understanding enough. People who liked Legos were generally pretty cool people, Zac thought, although there were certainly a few snobby parents and entitled children filtering through the store. Zac tried to steer clear of those the best that he could, at least until he was more comfortable in his new job.
When a particularly snooty looking women sneered down at him as she plunked her returns onto the counter, Zac found himself completely incapable of speech. He stuttered, stammered and fumbled through his cheat sheets for something that explained how to handle returns. He was sure it had been mentioned by the girl who was helping to train him, Aliya, but he couldn’t find a damn thing about it in all his little notecards.
“Here, let me take care of this for you, Mrs. Collins,” Aliya suddenly said, appearing by Zac’s side and nudging him out of the way. She gave him a quick smile that made him feel more nervous than reassured.
Aliya was cute enough, Zac supposed. It had been a long time since he had noticed that about a girl, for fairly obvious reasons, and he had never really had a type, like most guys he knew. He had only had two girlfriends in high school—Stacy was blonde and perky like Melissa, but Hannah had been mousy and a little on the chubby side. His parents had liked her better, probably because she seemed like the exact opposite of trouble. Carly was all hard angles and contrast—black hair, pale skin, icy cold eyes. He couldn’t see what any of them had in common other than that they had actually given in the time of day.
His coworker was short and dark-skinned, with thick glasses that almost hid her bright eyeshadow. She was a few years younger than Zac, but the way she handled herself with the customers made it almost impossible to tell. He had learned earlier that she planned to start college in the fall after taking a few years off to work and save up money. She was overly friendly, the sort of nerdy girl who didn’t really know when to stop, but Zac had a feeling, from the way she smiled at him, that she didn’t treat everyone that way.
This was going to be a problem, he decided. He didn’t know what to do about it, and perhaps he was being paranoid. Maybe it would be nothing. When the angry woman was finally gone and Aliya turned back to him, though, Zac was sure he hadn’t imagined it.
“No worries; she always complains and you learn not to take it personally. I don’t think her kid likes anything.” Aliya said. “And anyway, you won’t actually be authorized to do returns until you’re out of training.”
“Oh,” Zac replied. “Well, that makes sense.”
“At least you didn’t try to do it anyway and double charge her for them instead of refunding her money. Voice of experience here.”
Zac laughed softly. “I’m sure I’ll find some really creative way to fuck—I mean, mess, up.”
“Like using that sort of language while you’re on the floor?” aliya suggested, smirking just a bit.
“Something like that,” Zac mumbled, noticing a familiar figure over Aliya’s shoulder.
Taylor was outside the store, but was half turned away, staring down at his phone. There was an obvious tension in his stance that made the hairs on the back of Zac’s neck stand up. It made Zac’s heart hurt in ways that he couldn’t explain or understand. He didn’t know how he thought he could possibly live without being with Taylor, if simply seeing him express vague frustration was enough to break Zac’s heart.
He was absolutely gone. That was all there was to it. He had to make things right between them, if only for his own sanity.
“Well,” Aliya said, clearing her throat. Zac could see that she had followed his eyes ad must have realized who he was looking at. She eyed him, and Zac wondered what she must be thinking. Then again, he wasn’t sure he wanted to know. “I think your shift is just about over. If you want to go through the back, I’ll show you how to clock out. It’s almost like clocking in, just in reverse, but there’s a little trick to it.”
“Okay,” Zac replied dumbly, shooting one last look at Taylor before following Aliya.
In a matter of minutes, he was officially clocked out. His first day of work was over. Without his name badge and apron, he almost felt like himself again. He untied his hair, which really hadn’t quite been long enough for a ponytail anyway, and shook it out. That felt better. He felt like himself again… until he rounded the corner and saw Taylor.
His phone was up to his ear, his eyebrows were nearly knitted together and his lips a thin line. Whoever was on the other line was clearly not letting him get a word in. When he spotted Zac, he said something unintelligible through gritted teeth, obviously forcing himself to adopt a neutral expression as he ended the call and put his phone in his pocket.
“Is everything okay?” Zac asked, immediately wishing he hadn’t. It was none of his business right then if it wasn’t.
Taylor froze for just a moment; Zac almost didn’t notice it. Just as quickly, his expression softened and he waved a dismissive hand. “Just one of those really annoying credit card scams. Talking about some card I don’t even, and never have, had.”
“Yeah, I get those, too,” Zac mumbled, certain that Taylor’s words were a lie, but unwilling—unable—to call him out on it.
What could Taylor have to lie to him about? Anything that he would must have been so bad that Zac was sure he didn’t want to know. He would not and could not ask. Perhaps in time Taylor would tell him, but until then, Zac would feign obliviousness. He didn’t know what else to do.
“Are you ready to head out?” Taylor asked. “I was thinking we’d pick up a movie and some Chinese. Just to relax and celebrate your first day.”
“It wasn’t much worth celebrating,” Zac replied.
Taylor put a hand on his arm. “Of course it was. You’re doing something for yourself, something that was your choice and your decision. You’re being your own man for once. It doesn’t matter that it’s clerking at a store in the mall; it’s your life and you own it now. That’s not small.”
“I don’t know where you get all of this from,” Zac said. “You could be a motivational speaker or some shit.”
Taylor rolled his eyes. “I had to keep myself motivated somehow, you know? If I had given in to all that darkness… I don’t know where I would be now. But it’s easier not to give in now that I’m with you—I mean. You know what I mean.”
“I do,” Zac replied softly, his voice catching in his throat.
“Come on,” Taylor said, taking him by the arm. “Let’s pick out something good. Some old comedy or something.”
“Maybe Spinal Tap?” Zac suggested, forcing himself to smile.
Taylor returned his smile. “That sounds perfect.”
It didn’t, but Zac could say nothing else. They weren’t together—his brother had made that damn clear–and he couldn’t quite shake the feeling that there was more to Taylor’s upsetting phone call than his brother had admitted. Perfect hardly seemed to describe the situation at all, but it was too precarious for Zac to question any of it.