Space
It took Zac nearly a week to work up the nerve to take his job application back to the mall. He wanted to ask Taylor to let him tag along when he went to work, since he was going to the same place, but he couldn’t find a way to actually ask the question. In the end, he went on his own, feeling like the creepiest person in the world when he wandered by Sephora on his way to the Lego store.
From a distance, he watched Taylor assisting a girl with her eyebrows. The look of concentration and care on his face melted Zac’s heart, and at the same time, made him feel like an idiot. How could he have done anything to hurt someone so delicate and sweet? How could he have thought it was a good idea to end things between them? How could he have thought it would help at all?
Since their conversation at the food court, Taylor had barely been home. Zac suspected he had changed his schedule, arranging it so that he would come and go while Zac was asleep. He had gone back to sleeping in the guest room, too, which Zac supposed only made sense. It didn’t mean he had to like it, though.
Zac couldn’t expect Taylor to continue to act like they were a couple now that they weren’t. He couldn’t expect things to be okay. If it was tearing him apart, he could only assume it was even harder on Taylor. Zac wasn’t sure anymore why he thought it was a good idea to take a break. Taylor was too fragile, too easily affected, and in trying to do what was best for them, Zac had only made things worse. Even from a distance, he could see the barely concealed pain in Taylor’s eyes. He turned and walked away before Taylor noticed him.
Once he reached the Lego store, Zac spent several minutes standing outside, trying to find his nerve. He smoothed his shirt and pants, hoping he was dressed well enough for submitting an application. He had worn khakis, not having much else but ripped and paint-stained jeans and that one suit from the gallery opening. Finally, knowing he was just wasting time and raising his anxiety level, he forced himself to walk through the door and approach the cashier. He was older and looked altogether too boring and stuffy to work with something as fun as Legos.
“Hi,” Zac said, then cleared his throat. “I, umm, I just wanted to apply for a job. I picked up the application from the display out front a few days ago.”
The man, whose name tag proclaimed that he was Arnold, raised an eyebrow at Zac and took the application from his hand. Below his name, the tag also identified him as the manager; that was dumb luck, Zac thought. Zac watched nervously as Arnold’s eyes scanned the page. After a moment, he spoke. “Well, you don’t have any retail experience, but we’re pretty desperate right now–as you can see, since I’m having to run the register today. I’m going to have to call your references, but I think if that goes well, you can start in a few days. We’ll give you a call.”
Zac blinked. “That… that’s it?”
“Like I said, we’re short-handed right now. Beggars can’t be choosers. Plus, with that art degree, you ought to be able to make our displays look better, right?”
“Well, I mean—sure. I didn’t really study sculpture, but I played with Legos way too much as a kid. I think I can handle the displays.”
“Then, yes, as long as your references check out and you’re available to start immediately, I don’t see a problem. Oh, the mall makes us do a background check deal, but they’ll sort that out with you when you come back in to fill out all your paperwork.”
Zac nodded. “And you’ll call me to set all that up?”
“That’s the idea,” Arnold replied, then held out his hand for Zac to shake. “You’ll hear from me in a day or two. Look forward to having ya.”
“Thanks,” Zac said, trying not to seem too eager as he shook the hand of the man who would, he hoped, soon be his boss.
Zac walked out of the store in a daze. It had all been too easy. Things were never that easy for him, or if they were, they soon went all wrong. Zac knew something would have to give soon, to make up for this one lone good thing in his life.
As a force of habit, he walked back by Sephora on his way back out of the mall. Taylor was like a magnet; Zac could not stop himself from wandering near again.
This time, he wasn’t so lucky. Taylor glanced out the door and made eye contact. Zac waved dumbly, wishing he could just disappear. Maybe he should walk away and leave it at that. But he couldn’t move. Try as he might, he was frozen on the spot.
“Zac,” Taylor breathed out. He hadn’t even realized his brother had walked out of the store, he was so lost in his own thoughts, trying to will himself to move.
“Hey,” Zac replied dumbly. “I, uh—I turned in my application today. Basically got an interview right on the spot.”
For a brief moment, Taylor’s face seemed to light up. Then the flicker of a smile was gone. “That’s really good. Did you get the job, do you think?”
Zac nodded. “Yeah, I mean—once he checks my references or whatever. But I should be starting in just a few days. So I guess we’ll be seeing a little more of each other.”
As soon as he said it, he regretted it. The words were dripping with unintended blame, as tough he didn’t understand why Taylor had been avoiding him.
“Zac…” Taylor sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “Look, I don’t know what you want from me right now. I thought we were taking a break?”
He nodded. “We are.”
“Then what’s this all about? Acting so hurt because I’m trying to give you some space while we take that break?”
“Are you sure you’re giving me the space? Or are you taking it for yourself?”
When Taylor didn’t immediately respond, Zac feared he had gone too far. Or that he had been exactly correct. Finally, Taylor sighed again. “We both need space, okay? We’ve been all over each other since I moved in, caught up in each other’s worlds, and maybe that kept us from thinking straight. This was your idea. So I’m not sure I understand why you’re suddenly upset that I’m trying to do what you asked for.”
Zac shrugged. He was losing this argument, and fast. He wasn’t even sure how it had become an argument, although he was sure it was probably his fault. “Look, I don’t want to fight about this, because you’re right. It was my idea. I just feel like… it was just so easy for you to suddenly vanish completely on me, and I don’t like it.”
“I didn’t vanish,” Taylor replied. “I never did. Even when, you know, I did. I never wanted to, and I don’t want to now. If I’m giving you more space than you want and making you feel like that, I’m sorry. But I’m struggling here, you know. Maybe… maybe tonight we’ll have dinner together? Don’t make any more of it than that—just dinner. Make some time to talk and just be… brothers. Can we do that?”
“I think… I think that could be good. Just brothers,” Zac replied. The words didn’t feel right in his mouth, but he knew they should. Maybe with time they would.
Taylor gave the faintest hint of a smile. “Okay. Maybe spaghetti? With the meatballs that you like.”
“And garlic bread?” Zac replied, returning Taylor’s smile.
“Of course,” Taylor said, his smile widening just a bit. “Look, I’ve got to get back to work. I shouldn’t have even stepped out here, but it’ll be fine. I’ll see you later, okay?”
Zac nodded and smiled. “Okay, see you later.”
“And good luck with the job,” Taylor said, taking a step closer to Zac. He looked like he wanted to say something else, but then, with the faintest shake of his head, he turned and walked back into the store.
Zac lingered there a moment, not knowing what else to do. Slowly, he could feel Taylor’s spell lifting, and he was able to walk away. He wondered if Taylor truly understood, or if he felt the same way at all. Even though Taylor’s explanation was logical, it didn’t take into account the way that Zac just could not live without him, could not remember how to breathe when he wasn’t near him. If Taylor didn’t feel the same way, then Zac did not know what to do.
Maybe he didn’t. Zac didn’t want to know.
Zac made his way out of the mall and drove back to his apartment in a daze. He had nothing else to do for the rest of the afternoon except sit and wait for Taylor to get home. Assuming he did come home at a reasonable hour. Maybe he would take their conversation to heart and they could spend a little time together that evening. Zac didn’t want to hold his breath for it or anything.
With nothing else to do but sit, think and go crazy, Zac decided to take a nap. In spite of his fitful thoughts, he slept well, so deeply that he didn’t even seem to dream. If he did, they were too abstract for his mind to latch onto them.
When he woke again, it was to the distinct smell of spaghetti and garlic bread. He had wanted to help Taylor with the food, but once again, he was a disappointment. It was minor, in the scheme of things, he supposed, but the pattern was becoming clear.
Zac pulled himself out of bed and ran a hand through his hair. It probably looked awful, but he found that he really didn’t care. Taylor had surely already seen him at his worse; his appearance was the least of his problems.
He padded to the kitchen, and for a moment, he just stood in the doorway, watching Taylor drain the spaghetti. Even doing the most mundane of things—cooking spaghetti, helping girls try on makeup samples—he was beautiful. Zac didn’t know why he had thought that he could let go, even briefly. He needed Taylor. He wasn’t sure he had even been alive for the last seven years without him.
After a moment, he began to feel creepy for just staring. He cleared his throat, hoping to subtly get Taylor’s attention. It worked; his brother turned and gave him a small smile. It didn’t seem nearly as forced as Zac expected.
“Hey,” Taylor said. “I was just going to come wake you up in a minute. If you don’t mind, there’s some Caesar salad in the fridge. Can you grab that?”
“Sure,” Zac replied, doing as he was told. As he pulled a bowl from the cabinet and opened the bag of salad, he added, “You really went all out on this one, didn’t you?”
Taylor paused, briefly glancing Zac’s way. “I guess I felt guilty after we talked earlier. You wanted a break from us being—together. Not a break from us being brothers and living together. Maybe I did go a bit overboard on this, but I like cooking for you. And I’m just trying to find a—well, maybe not a happy one, but a medium. The right amount of space.”
“I was probably too hard on you,” Zac admitted. “I mean, I don’t know what the right amount of space is either. I just know when it feels wrong.”
Taylor sat the pot of spaghetti back onto the stove and took a few steps closer to Zac. “Does this amount feel right?”
“It’s a step in the right direction,” Zac responded. “Pun intended.”
Taylor chuckled softly and took another step closer to Zac. “We’ll figure this out, Zac, I swear we will. We have been through so much. You and me… everything that’s happened, together or apart. This is just a small bump in the road. It’s not surprising that when we jump into things like this—so quickly—that there’s going to be an adjustment period.”
“Yeah, but I thought we were past that. I thought I was past that.” Zac glanced down, not wanting to look at Taylor’s face.
“Zac,” Taylor said, putting a finger under his chin and nudging it upward. “This is so big. You know it is. I know it is. Of course it’s not going to be simple or easy, but if we want it—we’ll figure it out.”
“I want it,” Zac said softly, his voice barely above a whisper. He wasn’t even sure at first that he had said the words out loud; he only knew he had when Taylor’s eyes widened.
Taylor paused, and Zac could almost see the mental and physical exertion it took for him to put his face back to a neutral position. Finally, he spoke. “The food is getting cold. We should eat.”
Zac didn’t know what he had expected. He didn’t know why he thought that Taylor would say the same or that he even still felt it. How things had gone so wrong, he still wasn’t sure, but it was clear that they had and there was no easy path back to normal—whatever that even was.
Without another word, picked up the salad bowl and carried it to the table. Somehow, he had to find a way to act his way through this dinner and pretend that he wasn’t beating himself up for ruining the best thing that had ever happened to him.