Best Friends
In the end, Zac didn’t make it back to campus to finish up his paperwork until the next day. After making his suggestion to Taylor that they take a small break, he went back to the apartment and slept through the afternoon, wishing that when he woke up, things would be okay again.
They weren’t, but he had to pretend that they were, for Taylor’s sake.
After the paperwork, which was finished in a matter of minutes, Zac headed to the studio and began packing up all of his paintings and supplies. He had been lucky enough to find a parking spot just around the corner, so he didn’t have to haul the paintings very far. They all told the story of his relationship with Taylor, in a way that was nearly impossible for him to face. He carefully loaded them face down into the trunk and back seat of his car, unsure what he was going to do with them after that.
A small voice in the back of his head said burn them, but he knew that was the wrong reaction. The relationship wasn’t over; just on the backburner while Taylor sorted out his thoughts. There was no reason to abandon all hope, even if it seemed to be Zac’s primary talent, even moreso than painting itself.
Once he had packed everything up, he sent Melissa a quick text asking for her lunch order. It was nearing the end of what might be considered the lunch hour, so he hardly had to wait at all to get their sandwiches and coffees. It was, he supposed, the last meal he would have on campus, and altogether, it wasn’t a very impressive one. That seemed fittingly symbolic, Zac thought.
As he walked in the library door, he tried not to think about how this would likely be his last visit to the library as well.
“Hey, Melly,” he said, just a little more loudly than was strictly necessary. A student in a nearby study carrel shot him a glare, but the librarians hardly even seemed to register his outburst. “Would it be really frowned upon if I ate in here with you?”
“Probably,” Melissa replied. “But we’ve got enough staff today and it’s such a pretty day—why don’t we go out on the lawn? Have a little picnic to celebrate your not-graduation.”
Zac tilted his head to the side. “Not-graduation?”
“It sounded better than dropping out.” Melissa shrugged.
“Most things do,” Zac remarked. Nodding toward the door, he added, “After you?”
“Let me just clock out,” she replied.
A few moments later, they were situated under a tree on the lawn, their sandwiches and coffees on a blanket Melissa had apparently stashed in the library’s offices. It felt like what college should have felt like, or how it looked in the movies, at least. It had never really been such a magical, memory-making time for Zac. It had just been another thing to get through. Another round of responsibilities after another.
“What are you think about?” Melissa asked, and Zac realized he was just staring off into the distance, a potato chip dangling from his fingers, forgotten.
“College. Life. Everything.” He sighed. “I don’t know; just how everything keeps turning out differently than expected. Nothing’s like the way it is in the movies.”
“Of course it isn’t. They don’t really reflect reality. College, especially, isn’t anything like it’s supposed to be. Oh, but hey, that reminds me—are you guys coming to my graduation? I think I can sneak you a few extra tickets. All the other workers have been giving me their extras since they know my family is so big. I will totally pass you and Taylor off as my cousin and his boyfriend.”
Zac frowned. “Oh, I—I mean, we hadn’t really talked about it. Everything has been such a mess since our parents showed up. I don’t know what to think, and Taylor’s in even worse shape.”
“Oh, sweetie, I’m sorry. I didn’t think.” Melissa put a hand on Zac’s knee. “You guys talked things out though, right? You’re working through it?”
“We are, but I don’t know if we made the right move. I mean, it was my suggestion, but he’s just—I don’t think, they got into his head. Tried to convince him that he’s corrupting me, and they really don’t even know. But it hit home. So I told him we could take a break, if he wanted, while he sorted things out. But Melly, I love him. I do, and I know it should be wrong, but it’s my choice to be with him and—well, no it’s not a choice. Because I love him too much not to be, even if we are doing this break thing right now.”
Melissa gave his knee a squeeze. “I know you do. And he loves you, too. And he’ll see, even if it takes him some time, that that’s not wrong. I’m so sorry that your parents have done this.”
“They would do even worse if they knew even the half of it,” Zac said.
“Maybe so. But to try to twist your mind, and break his will, just because he’s gay. It’s awful. I’m sorry, they’re still your parents.”
“No, they really aren’t,” Zac replied softly, his voice barely more than a whisper.
“You’re really cutting them out of your life, huh?” Melissa asked.
“I am,” Zac said. “It wasn’t even a choice. They did me just like they did Taylor—it was him or them. What kind of choice did I have?”
“None.” Melissa nodded.
Zac expected her to say something else, but she didn’t. Then again, what could she say? Zac had been out of options and still was. He felt like he had been backed against a wall, and though he didn’t see any way he could have done things differently, he still would have preferred to feel like he had some say in the matter, some control over his own life.
“What’s this, a picnic?” A voice asked, and it took Zac a moment to identify it as Drew. He had been so caught up in everything else lately that he had lost track of one of his best friends completely.
Of course, he had lost the other completely…
Zac stared up at Drew, hoping Shaun hadn’t gotten to him somehow, convinced him to shun Zac as well.
“It is a picnic!” Melissa said with more enthusiasm than was necessary. Zac supposed she was trying to make up for the awkward silence he and Drew were locked in.
“Can I join? I mean, just sit with you guys for a second. I gotta get back to work soon.”
Zac shrugged. He hated that he couldn’t muster up a little more happiness to see the one part of his old life, before Taylor’s return, that hadn’t turned its back on him. He should be more grateful that Drew still wanted to be seen with him. Yet all he could muster up was fear that the other shoe would drop at any moment.
“Of course!” Melissa replied. She nudged Zac to scoot closer to her, making room for Drew next to him on the blanket. Being sandwiched between the two of them was perhaps not the very last thing Zac wanted, but it was certainly near the bottom of the list. He couldn’t contradict Melissa, though, ad so he obediently inched closer to her and kept his mouth shut as Drew sat down.
“You know,” Drew said, “as big as this campus is, news spreads pretty quickly.”
“Yeah?” Zac replied, though it was obvious where this conversation was going. All anyone wanted to talk about was the end of his college career, it seemed. It was probably the least interesting thing about him, but if it kept people from the seedier things, he supposed he could deal.
Drew glanced down and picked at a loose thread on his jeans. “I mean, I would have liked to have heard it from you first, but I’ve gotten used to you keeping everything to yourself lately. Not that I—not that I don’t understand why you’re being pretty cautious about telling everyone everything.”
“Well, yeah, but you’re—I was going to say one of my best friends, but you’re really one of the only friends I have left at this point.”
Melissa cleared her throat. “I feel like this conversation might not be for me anymore. And anyway, I need to get back to work; I have a lot to get done today. Call me later, Zac?”
Zac nodded. “Yeah, yeah—see you later, Mel.”
The two boys sat in silence for several awkward minutes before Drew finally spoke again. “So, I don’t really know what all is going on, what you’re thinking and whatever, but I hope everything is okay. I mean, you break up with Carly, you meet this—this guy—and now you’re dropping out. It’s a lot.”
It was almost almost the most Zac could remember ever hearing Drew say at once. He supposed he had underestimated his friend, never really gotten to know him as well as he had thought. Shaun talked enough for the three of them; Zac hated that now everything was changing and he might never know Drew that well.
“You’re not turning on me now, too, are you?” Zac asked, immediately hating himself for saying it. It wasn’t as though Shaun had said anything; for once, he was strangely silent. But that silence said as much or more than any words possibly could.
“No,” Drew said softly but firmly. “I don’t care who you love or whatever. It doesn’t matter. It’s not—none of that is really what I’m talking about. I just—I dunno, it’s all pretty crazy. Like, when people start changing so many things, that’s sometimes a sign of something bigger. I don’t remember much from psychology class, but I remember that much.”
“So what, you don’t care that I’m—whatever—but you think I’m crazy?”
Drew shook his head. “No, no. fuck, none of this is going the way I planned. What I’m trying to say is I hope you’ve really thought all this trough and you’re doing the right thing.”
“I don’t even know what that is anymore,” Zac replied. “But I’m trying. It’s hard to explain, but I feel like myself for the first time in a long time. So I guess that means I must be on the right track.”
“Yeah, alright,” Drew replied after a moment, giving a decisive nod. “Well, hey, I also wanted to let you know. I was talking to someone in the art department after your art show—uh, Jace Rose, you know him? Anyway, there’s this website he uses, where you upload your art and the system will generate and ship whatever prints people want when they place an order. Might be worth considering. I mean, I know you made a lot on those that night, but I figure you’re gonna need—sorry, that’s rude. But I just thought you might want to look into it.”
“Yeah, thanks,” Zac replied, his mouth going a bit dry. He should have planned all of this out more; he barely had any savings and, while the money from the gallery show did help, he knew it would run out soon. Working for barely above minimum wage wouldn’t get him very far.
Dropping out of college suddenly seemed like the worst decision he had ever made. He wasn’t prepared for the real world.
Drew seemed to sense something was wrong, but Zac couldn’t speak. Drew stared, and Zac just shrugged, still all but frozen on the spot, metaphorically watching his life crashing down all around him.
“Well, I’ve got to get back to work,” Drew finally said. He gave Zac a nudge. “I’ll get you the info on that website, if you want. I mean, you don’t have to do anything. I just thought…”
“Yeah,” Zac finally choked out. “Sorry, I really do appreciate it. I’ve just got a lot on my mind lately.”
“I figured. I’ll talk to him again and give you a call later?”
Zac nodded. “Yeah—talk to you later.”
Drew said goodbye, and Zac felt the dryness in his throat come back as he watched Drew walk away. It was the longest, wordiest conversation he could ever remember having had with him, and that only made Zac feel worse. He was an awful friend, and Drew was a better one than he had ever known, one who was truly looking out for him and understood him more than he realized.
Zac wished a day could go by without something happening that made him feel sorry himself. It seemed that wish was in vain.