Smoke and Mirrors
By the time Zac managed to clean himself up into something vaguely presentable, it was closing in on what he thought was Melissa’s lunch break. He swung by the Starbucks on campus and picked up a caramel latte; it was a little too warm for that, but the library was always a good ten degrees colder than it really needed to be.
Melissa was at her usual spot behind the circulation desk, and she gave Zac a wide smile when he walked in with the drink in hand.
“You know drinks aren’t allowed in the library,” she said, still smiling as she took the steaming cup from his hand.
“Does that mean I’m in trouble?” Zac shot back.
She giggled. “If you were anyone else and the drink weren’t for me, yes. But I really, really needed this today. So you’re off the hook this time.”
“Good to know,” he replied, then sighed. “I just hope Taylor can forgive me that easily. I know I screwed up, but I just—I was trying, you know? I thought I was taking the right steps to get us where we needed to be.”
“And he’s smart enough to see that, but he’s been through so much, Zac. You’ve gotta be honest with him and help him learn how to trust. It isn’t about whether or not he trusts you; it’s about how much he’s been betrayed and how hard it is for him to trust anyone.”
Zac nodded. “I know. I hate that they put him through that, that they’re still trying to put him through it. It isn’t fair that he had to suffer all of that alone and I got it so much easier. I can’t go back and fix that, I know. I just have to be—I dunno, better. Good enough for him.”
“You are good enough, Zac,” Melissa replied. “Honestly. And even the best person makes mistakes. You just need to be aware of how much Taylor doesn’t believe that he deserves you. Keep that in mind and do your best, and things will be fine, I’m sure.”
“I hope you’re right,” Zac said, then leaned across the desk to give her a quick peck on the cheek. “Thanks for everything, Melly. I’ll text you later.”
“Later, Zac,” she replied, then took an exaggeratedly long sip of her coffee.
Zac said goodbye to her once again, laughing as he did so, and made his way back to the parking lot where he had left his car. As he drove to the mall where Taylor worked, he pondered what he would even say to his brother. He came up with several possibilities, but no words seemed adequate to explain how he truly felt. Everything they had been through, every bit of suffering that Zac had knowingly or unknowingly contributed to, it was all more than Zac could put into words. He was just going to have to wing it.
His first stop in the mall was Starbucks, which wasn’t on the way to Sephora at all, but that was fine by him. A green tea latte made a pretty good peace offering, Zac reasoned, even if two Starbucks visits in one day made him look like something of an addict.
On his way back to the first floor, he passed by the Lego store, one that always caught his eye. Maybe it was childish of him to still feel that stir of butterflies in his stomach at the sight of those little bricks. Zac didn’t really care. Anything that reminded him of the earlier part of his childhood, before the wool was pulled from his eyes and he saw his parents for who they really were, filled him with a mixture of hope and nostalgia that seemed neverending.
What caught his eye right then, though, wasn’t the creative brick displays, but a sign advertising that the store was hiring. It wasn’t a career, by any means, but it was a chance to work with something that he loved. Carefully holding the latte inside of his jacket, Zac walked into the store and grabbed an application from the fancy display that detailed all the perks of working for the company.
He rolled the application up and stuffed it into his pocket, then headed down to the Seophora where Taylor worked. He paused outside, hoping he wouldn’t have to wander around the store to find his brother. The idea of being surrounded by so much makeup made him a little itchy. He knew it was ridiculous, but the feeling lingered nonetheless.
Luckily, Taylor was hovering by a counter near the door, a strange expression on his face when he spun around and realized Zac was loitering.
“What are you doing here?” Taylor practically hissed out, but there was more amusement in his tone than reproach.
Zac shrugged, then inched his jacket open to reveal the latte that was starting to leave a cold, wet spot on his hip. “I come bearing contraband.”
Taylor rolled his eyes slightly. “I’m off the clock in about ten minutes anyway, if you can hang on that long. I mean, I’m assuming it’s for me.”
“It is,” Zac replied, nodding. He couldn’t help smiling in spite of himself, even though Taylor still seemed a bit wary.
“Well, just hang on,” Taylor said. “Let me take care of a few things in the back, and then maybe we can get lunch at the food court. I’m betting you haven’t eaten anything yet.”
“I haven’t,” Zac admitted. “I’ll umm… I’ll just wait outside. Wouldn’t want to get caught with a drink in here.”
Taylor chuckled, then promised again to meet him in ten minutes or less. Zac had a feeling Taylor knew he still felt weird about being surrounded by makeup and hair products, but at least his brother didn’t see fit to tease him about that.
Zac had barely found a free bench to sit down on when he saw Taylor walking toward him. He stood back up immediately, nearly spilling the latte in the process as he handed it to his brother. Taylor gave him a genuine smile and took a long sip, then sighed happily.
“So, Panda Express? To make up for the Chinese dinner I kinda ruined last night?”
Zac shook his head. “I mean, yeah, that’s fine. Just… you didn’t ruin anything.”
“Okay,” Taylor replied, looking like he wanted to say more, but didn’t. He didn’t speak again until they were on the escalator. “So, what’s that in your pocket?”
“Oh, umm, I picked up an application for the Lego store. I dunno, I just figured I needed to do something, now that our parents have cut me off. It’s not a career or anything but it’s something for now.”
Taylor reached up to thread his fingers through Zac’s. “It’s a good step. For now.”
“Is this the part where you get all sappy and tell me how proud of me you are?” Zac asked.
“Maybe,” Taylor replied, blushing slightly. “But only because it’s true and I am. In so many more ways than you probably even fathom.”
Zac didn’t know what to say to that, so he settled for giving Taylor’s hand a squeeze. There was a part of him that still felt like he needed to walk on eggshells for fear of accidentally doing something else wrong. However fragile, they had seemed to have come to some agreement, some understanding. But Zac knew the trust still wasn’t there and would need time to build.
The two of them stayed silent until they reached the food court and made their choices about what to eat. It was simple and easy how they fell into step together, like they had been a team forever. But they had, hadn’t they? There might have been a break of several years in between, but Taylor had been a part of Zac’s life—a part of Zac–from the beginning. It might have made their relationship unconventional and socially unacceptable, but their shared DNA made them two parts of the same puzzle.
“I’m sorry,” Zac finally said, the words barely audible over the crowd around them in the food court. Taylor blinked, nearly dropping his fork. Zac sighed. “I don’t know what I was thinking, keeping that to myself. I think I’m only just realizing how deep all these issues go, you know? I mean, how badly they fucked us both up, but especially you. No offense.”
“None taken. I think that’s a pretty accurate description of what they did.” Taylor sat down his fork and pushed his plate back so he could rest his elbows on the table and look Zac in the eye. “Apology accepted. And given. I’m sorry, too, for running out and being a drama queen over something I know you didn’t purposefully do to hurt me. It wasn’t even really about that.”
“Can I ask what it was about?”
“Well, speaking of our parents fucking me up,” Taylor said, chuckling nervously. “I won’t—I can’t—repeat what they said to me. But there’s apparently a part of me, deep down, that believes it. Everything we’ve done since we’ve been back together doesn’t help, you know? When they start telling me how bad of an influence I am, how being around me is bad for you… well, it’s unfortunately easier to believe it now.”
“Because we’re…” Zac glanced around, not finishing his sentence. “But you know I’m not doing anything I don’t want to do. You didn’t force anything on me. I can make my own choices.”
Taylor nodded. “Realistically, I do know that. But then I start to wonder, would this have happened if they hadn’t forced us apart? Is this just another part of how their fucked up parenting has changed us?”
“But you want this, too, right?” Zac asked, almost afraid to know Taylor’s answer. He heaved a sigh of relief when Taylor nodded.
“Of course I do. More than I’ve ever wanted anything.”
“And it doesn’t… feel wrong? Does it? Maybe it did at first, I don’t know, but it doesn’t now.” Lowering his voice, Zac added, “I love you, and I want you more than anything. I don’t know how that can be wrong. I don’t know what caused it, but does that even matter now? It is what it is.”
“I love you too,” Taylor said, but Zac couldn’t ignore the storm clouds in his eyes.
“I don’t know what else to say or do to convince you this is what I want,” Zac replied. “You know this is just them getting under your skin, don’t you? They don’t even know the half of it, but they are determined to drive us apart, and they’re doing it by trying to convince you that you’re—you’re some predator or something. And I promise you that you’re not.”
Taylor heaved a sigh. “You know, it’s possible to logically know and understand a thing, and still have an emotional reaction to it that runs counter to what you know the truth to be.”
“I know,” Zac replied. Heaving a sigh of his own, he added, “Which is why I’m going to offer to ease off. To say let’s take a break. If that’s what you need to get your head together, and get them out of it, and know that what we have is real and true and right for us.”
“Is that what you want?”
“Of course not,” Zac shot back. “But it’s not about what I want. I’m offering it, if it’s what you need. You tell me if you think it will help.”
Slowly, Taylor nodded. “I think… I mean, it might not be the worst idea. We’ll probably see even more of each other now that you’re working here, but maybe we can just… giving it a little cooling off period of sorts. Just to give me time to deal with… god, all this shit in my brain. I’m sorry; I wish I were the confident, pulled together big brother you see, but the truth is I’m really not. Not remotely.”
“In case you haven’t noticed, I’m a mess, too,” Zac replied, chuckling. Taylor gave a soft, abortive laugh of his own. “But that’s the thing about us, I think. We’re better together. We’re fucked up and weird, but it’s us. It works.”
“I wish you could see how strong and self-assured you seem. I mean—you are. You are so much stronger than you realize.” Taylor paused and laughed softly, a genuine smile beginning to creep across his face. “I guess in that way, we are kind of alike. After all we’ve been through, we’re both somehow still going when we ought to be totally broken.”
“I wouldn’t be half of what you think I am if I didn’t have you. Any strength you see, I’m just reflecting back what I see in you.”
“It’s all just a house of cards, huh? Smoke and mirrors.” Taylor’s smile turned slightly sardonic.
Zac shrugged. “Maybe, but if it works, it works. But seriously, we can ease off. Cool things down for a bit. When you’re ready, if—if you’re ready, then we’ll talk. I’ll follow your lead.”
“Thank you,” Taylor replied. “I think—I think that will be good really good for us. For both of us.”
Zac picked at his food a bit. “I guess I should probably go finish up my paperwork on campus. And get that application filled in, too. Not to cut things short, but…”
“No, it’s fine,” Taylor replied, shaking his head. “You have important things to do. Things I am very, very proud of you for doing. I should run by Whole Foods and pick some things up for dinner. Consider it an apology dinner.”
“Which differs from you cooking dinner every other day of the week… how?”
Taylor laughed softly. “I’ll buy ice cream, too?”
“You’ve got a deal,” Zac replied. “I’ll see you later.”
“Later,” Taylor said softly, glancing down.
Zac wanted to reach across the table and give him a kiss, but something held him back. Even though it had been his idea, he knew that taking a break from their relationship wouldn’t be easy. He could only hope it was the right thing to do and it didn’t blow up in their faces.
He didn’t dare voice in any of that, though. Instead, he reached across the table to grasp Taylor’s hand and give it a squeeze. They held hands under the table for a moment, neither one of them seeming to want to let go. Taylor was the first one to break away, and Zac tried not to read too much into that.