Keeping Secrets
Zac sat at the kitchen table for longer than he wanted to admit, staring at the door in hopes that Taylor would change his mind and walk back in. By the time he accepted that it wasn’t going to happen, all of the Chinese food had gone cold. Mechanically, he put the cartons into the fridge, knowing he didn’t have the stomach to eat anything right then. Instead, he pulled a bottle of beer from the door, although he knew that wouldn’t go down very well, either.
“Fuck it,” Zac mumbled, popping the cap and taking a swig. All alone in his apartment, there wasn’t much damage he could do, even if he drank every single beer they had. It might be self-destructive, but he would wake up in the morning in the same situation, albeit hungover.
Alcohol had been the thing to get him into this situation, but Zac didn’t blame it. He didn’t blame himself or Taylor, either. There was no point in trying to replay it all and figure out where they had gone wrong or what they might have done differently.
No, that wasn’t true. He was to blame for Taylor losing faith in him. But more than that, their parents were to blame. They had pitted the brothers against each other, choosing to put all of their faith in one and push him to be the perfect son. And they had abandoned the other, after doing all they could to convince him that he was sick, worthless, a disgrace.
Had they always made that distinction? Had they always played favorites between the two brothers? Zac couldn’t answer that question, and he wasn’t sure that he wanted to. There was a part of him that still couldn’t truly fathom how flawed their parents were, even with all of the evidence in front of him. They were still his parents, after all.
Weren’t they?
Although they had made one last effort, Zac considered those bridges fully burned. Whether they had ever been good parents was a more difficult question to answer and one that made Zac feel sick to his stomach. Surely they had been once upon a time, and he couldn’t even begin to pinpoint when that might have changed.
Zac made his way through three beers before he decided that Taylor truly wasn’t coming home, at least not that night. Although he had not had a particularly busy day—painting all day was hardly work—it had been emotionally taxing. He couldn’t bear the thought of sleeping in his bed without Taylor, and so he let himself sink down into the couch into the most comfortable sleeping position it would allow. It wasn’t all that comfortable, but after such a long day and a few beers, he fell asleep easily in spite of the couch’s scratchy texture and bare springs.
Zac harbored no delusions whatsoever about his level of popularity; he knew exactly where being a band geek left him on the social totem pole at Jenks High School. It didn’t matter that the band was just as successful as any sports team on campus. Being a freshman didn’t help his social standing at all, and in band world, that meant starting at crash cymbals and working his way up, if he could.
Still, it meant getting into all of the football games for free, and Zac wasn’t going to complain about that.
In the band, Zac was his own man. He wasn’t just Taylor’s little brother. There was a little crossover between the band and theatre crowds, but no judgment. If anyone even realized who his older brother was, it was only a matter of mild amusement, and not a reason to shun him the way the jocks and popular girls did.
Zac wanted to be upset with Taylor for leaving such a strange legacy for him, but he wasn’t. He had never really understood what the other kids seemed to find so awful about his brother. Sure, he acted a little feminine at times, but that was probably to be expected for someone who had been bitten with the theatre bug when he got the starring role in the church pageant. And okay, even Zac had to admit that Taylor’s looks were freakishly girly, to the point of being inhuman, and the long hair didn’t help; he had stubbornly kept his own long too in hopes it would discourage people from teasing Taylor.
But nothing had helped.
At least high school was bigger than middle school. It was easier to blend in and find his own path. Being in the band helped with that, even if it wasn’t helping with his overall popularity. He had friends, at least, and there was a flute player named Stacy who he found himself staring at during practice. He had an obstructed view of the side of her then, but during the games her had a perfect view straight down the stands, right to her curly blonde hair that was still just as beautiful with her Trojan hat on.
The band wasn’t allowed to wander off until the third quarter, after they had performed their halftime show. It was finally starting to come together, which was a good thing, since homecoming was in two weeks. His parents had been bugging Zac about whether or not he was going to the dance, and if so, who he might be taking. He really didn’t have many options—truthfully, any. It took all the courage he had just to smile at Stacy and give her a little wave when he passed by her spot in the stands.
“Hey, Zac,” she said softly, and he thought that the way she said his name was the most beautiful thing he’d ever heard. “Are you going to the concession stand?”
“Yeah,” he replied. One of the other drummers nudged him as he passed by, and Zac managed to ask, “Can I get you anything?”
“A lemonade and nachos. With chili.” Another flute player made a face at that, but Zac couldn’t help smiling.
“Nachos with chili, coming right up,” he said, his smile so wide it actually hurt.
He had shed his uniform jacket, leaving him in a white t-shirt that was sure to be stained with nacho cheese and chili very soon, but Zac found that he didn’t care at all. He barely even noticed the slight chill in the air, and it seemed to take no time at all to make his way through the concession stand line and retrieve their food. He was practically floating on air when he made his way back to the stands and handed Stacy’s snack and drink to her.
“Thanks,” she said, shedding her own jacket. Zac tried not to stare at the tight-fitting Hello Kitty shirt she wore underneath it. She reached under the stand and retrieved her purse. “Here, let me may you back for that. What was it, five bucks?”
“Don’t worry about it,” Zac replied.
Stacy smiled at him, but her brow was slightly furrowed. “No, I’ve got the money for it, I promise. You can’t just go around buying nachos for girls.”
“Well, maybe not for just any girls,” Zac replied. He started to apologize and take it back, but the way Stacy’s smile spread made him feel a little bit bolder. “Tell you what, you can pay for the nachos… if you let me pay for our homecoming dance tickets.”
“But tickets are way more than—oh. Are you asking me to be your date?”
“I guess I am,” Zac admitted.
“In that case, I think we have a deal.” She dove back down for her purse and Zac’s hand was only slightly shaking when he took the five dollar bill from hers.
The rest of the game went by in a blur, as Zac and Stacy made plans for the dance and got to know each other better. She was loud and nerdy, and Zac was reasonably certain he was already head over heels in love. He barely even noticed that they had won the game against Union; he was too wrapped up in thoughts of how Stacy would look in the aqua blue dress she had already bought in hopes that someone would ask her to the dance.
Once the band was dismissed, Zac hurried to put his equipment away. Taylor was his ride home, and he knew his brother could be both impatient and easily distracted. Neither were particularly good qualities in an older brother who was meant to look after you and make sure you got home on time, but Zac knew Taylor well enough to anticipate potential problems.
Of course, knowing his brother didn’t prevent him from leaving his stand and all of his music in the bleachers because he was distracted with thoughts of blonde hair and aqua blue homecoming dance dresses.
When he realized his mistake, Zac rushed back to the field. The crowd had all but vanished, and he knew the gate would be locked soon. Luckily, there was an entrance by the band section that was almost always forgotten. He slipped in and snatched up his stand, but paused in his tracks when the sound of laughter hit his ears.
It was a familiar laugh, but what made Zac stop in his tracks was the fact that the sound seemed to be coming from beneath the stands. Sure enough, he could see movement just off to the right, underneath the bleachers themselves. A flash of blonde hair caught the stadium lights for a brief moment, and Zac realized why the laugh had seemed familiar.
It was Taylor.
Taylor said something softly, so softly that the words themselves didn’t carry, but the tone of them did. Zac suddenly felt like he was witnessing something very private that he really shouldn’t be watching. That feeling only intensified when Taylor’s voice was answered by another, deeper, unquestionably male one.
As carefully and quietly as he could, Zac tucked his music and stand under his arm and made his way back to the band room. Taylor had promised to meet him there, and Zac didn’t want to give any indication that he had been anywhere else whenever Taylor finally did remember his duty.
It wasn’t as though he had really seen anything incriminating, Zac reasoned. There was probably a perfectly good, innocent explanation for his brother hiding out under the bleachers with another guy. The fact that Zac couldn’t think of one right then didn’t mean anything.
Of one thing he was certain, though. Taylor didn’t need to know what Zac had seen, and neither did their parents.
When Zac finally woke, it was well past time for his first class of the day to start. Not that it truly mattered, he realized. Taylor wasn’t there to notice if he deviated from his schedule, and even if he had been, the pretense was over. The truth had been revealed.
Zac felt his stomach turn over, but he knew it wasn’t because of the beer. He hadn’t had enough to drink for that.
Still, it took him a moment to pull himself up to a seated position, the couch having left roughly every muscle in his body tense and aching. He felt a hard lump beneath his ass, and after rooting around in the cushions for a moment, uncovered his cell phone. It still held a half charge, but no missed calls. Not that he had truly expected any, but it still somehow made his heart sink to see a blank screen.
He opened up his recent calls and found Melissa’s name. She was probably at work and wouldn’t answer, but he crossed his fingers just in case.
“Hello?”
“Oh, good,” Zac said, his stomach turning again in spite of his relief that she had, in fact, answered. “You’re not busy or anything, are you?”
“I was just on my way out,” she replied.
Zac cleared his throat. “Is, umm… is Taylor there?”
“You could have just called him,” Melissa replied, her tone sounded more tired than angry. Zac had a brief mental image of her and Taylor staying up all night bonding, and he wasn’t sure which of them he was more jealous of.
“I really couldn’t,” he said. “I just wanted to check, I guess. See if he’s—I dunno, feeling any better. I know it’s probably too soon. That’s why I called you.”
There was a shuffling sound for a moment before Melissa spoke again. “He left for work just before me. I think he was feeling a little better, but honestly I don’t know if it means anything. I wouldn’t expect anything in particular. I mean, don’t get your hopes up. He’s going to need time to realize that, yes, you made mistakes, but he overreacted, and you two are strong enough to get through this.”
“I don’t know if I would say he overreacted,” Zac mumbled.
“Well, I would. And I did. I mean, I saw enough of your parents to understand exactly how they could manipulate a person. Taylor had time to recover from that influence, but you didn’t, and you’ve gone through a lot of changes really quickly this semester. I think you both need to talk, honestly, about your plans. But I don’t think that the fact that you didn’t do that right away is a reason to call the whole thing off.”
“I hope you told him all of that.”
Melissa chuckled. “I did. And more. We had a lot to drink last night, so honestly, both of us are way to hungover to be working today, but oh well.”
“I’ll bring you a coffee,” Zac said. “You’ve more than earned it.”
“Thank you,” Melissa replied. “And also, you’re welcome. For keeping your emotional brother company last night, I mean.”
“Thank you for that. I think… maybe I’ll take him a coffee, too. If you think it’s wise.”
“I think he’ll appreciate the thought,” Melissa said, “but I have really got to get to work. Call or text later and let me know how things go, okay?”
“Will do,” Zac replied. After a moment’s pause, he added, “And Melly, do you really think we’re strong enough?”
“I do. I really do.”
“Thanks,” Zac said. “Talk to you later.”
He wasn’t so sure that he shared her faith in them, but it gave him hope nonetheless. If he could be brave and honest, maybe he would be worthy of Taylor and they truly would get through this together. They had weathered enough alone, Zac reasoned. It was time that they leaned on each other, rather than breaking apart.