Invincible
Zac had resolved to spend the rest of the day hidden in the studio on campus. There was no reason to attend classes for the rest of the semester, he told himself, since he wouldn’t be returning for the following semester anyway. He didn’t particularly like the idea of failing all of his classes on purpose, but again, he reasoned that it didn’t matter at all. These would be his last college classes ever, and whether you dropped out with all As or straight Fs, it amounted to the same sort of failure in Zac’s mind.
He was aware that his logic was probably seriously flawed, but at the moment, he found that he really didn’t care at all.
There was a chance of running into a professor or two and plenty of students in the studio, but they weren’t likely to be any that he knew by more than sight alone. And they certainly wouldn’t know him, either. He could be anonymous, and he found that he really liked that.
Plus, he wouldn’t be lying if he said he was on campus. He just wasn’t actually in class.
It had occurred to Zac, when he briefly ventured across campus to grab a sandwich and a coffee for lunch, that he still hadn’t had a chance to tell Taylor or Melissa about his decision. He had a feeling that would be a big hurdle to overcome, but he would deal with it in his own time. The destruction his parents had left in their wake had meant that all of his other plans had fallen by the wayside, to be dealt with once he remembered how to breathe.
As it was, he didn’t really feel like he had come up for a breath all day. He had been right; painting was the perfect distraction from everything that had threatened to consume his mind. Once Zac allowed himself to get into the zone, he could think of nothing else but the canvases in front of him. In that sort of zone, he was able to make quite a bit of progress, littering the studio with nearly complete paintings that told the story of his growing relationship with Taylor.
He was vaguely aware of how incriminating his preferred subject matter was, but much like his indifference toward his classes, Zac found that he really didn’t care. The only person who knew the truth had nothing to gain from telling anyone, and who would believe her, anyway?
“Wow,” a voice breathed out, and Zac felt his heart leap into his throat. “Someone’s been hard at work.”
Zac spun around to see Taylor leaning against the doorframe. Once his heart had slowed back to its normal pace, he asked, “What are you doing here?”
“Well, you didn’t answer your phone,” Taylor replied, taking a few steps into the room. “I know you went to talk to them this morning, and I couldn’t help thinking that something awful had happened. I mean, I don’t know what I even thought—like, maybe they had kidnapped you or something. Convinced you to leave. I don’t know, but I know I’m an idiot. Anyway, I finally texted Melissa during my last break and she said she’d seen you carrying some Starbucks in here around lunch time. So I came over here as soon as I got off work. Didn’t you have class this afternoon?”
Zac stood but did not step closer to Taylor. He tried to process all of the disconnected thoughts Taylor had just shared, one in particular standing out above the rest. “Did you really think I would run back to their side?”
“No,” Taylor replied, and Zac could see the honesty in his eyes. “I mean, maybe for a second I wondered. But I know you better than that now. I just—I know how persuasive they can be and I know how hard it is to tell your parents no.”
“Well, I did,” Zac said plainly.
“You did?” Taylor asked, his eyes widening a bit. He shook his head. “I just thought you were the good son. That they saw it that way, at least.”
“You’ll be happy to know they don’t have a double standard, then, I guess,” Zac said, finally closing the distance between them and taking Taylor’s hands in his own. “They tried to back me up against a wall like I know they did you. And they had the nerve to act like we had options. Like they had so generously given us a choice. But turning my back on you… I couldn’t. I never could. They didn’t even know me well enough to know that a life without you was something I never wanted.”
“I know it wasn’t,” Taylor replied softly. “I believe you. I do. Suffice it to say, we both have some serious parental issues. Which probably should be a red flag, and would definitely be under any other circumstances, but I guess in a fucked up way, it’s why we’re—well, what we are.”
“Perfect for each other,” Zac finished for him, knowing without a doubt it was what Taylor intended to say.
Taylor chuckled, the sound nearly breaking off into a sob. “Yeah. Something like that.”
“I just—I can’t lose you again. Going through that once was enough. It didn’t matter what they said; it wasn’t an option.”
“I don’t even have words for how much that means to me, Zac. I love you so much.”
“Love you, too,” Zac replied. With a tiny smirk so that Taylor would know he was joking, he added, “but if you start crying and smear the paint on one of these, I might have to eat my words.”
To Zac’s relief, Taylor laughed softy. Wiping his eyes, he said, “Okay, well, I think we’ve earned a nice dinner out together. Can I help you get things cleaned up here?”
Zac nodded and smiled. “If you can help put the paintings away, I’ll clean up the rest of it, all my paints and brushes and everything.”
With both of them at work, it took only a matter of minutes to put the room back into roughly the same condition in which Zac had found it. A few paintings still needed to be left out to dry, but there were inevitably always half-finished projects scattered around on the honor system. The most revealing ones were able to be hidden, at least.
Surveying the room, Zac briefly wondered if he was insane. Dropping out of grad school to do what… paint semi-pornographic portraits of his brother in drag? It wasn’t much of a career. He knew he would need to find something real to do, something that would provide a more sustainable income than what selling his paintings would do. Even if the first set had all sold easily, he couldn’t count on that to happen again.
“Have I mentioned lately that you are an amazing artist?” Taylor murmured, wrapping his arms around Zac’s waist from behind.
But he could, at least, count on his brother to be supportive, if only emotionally. Zac had a feeling he wouldn’t be so willing to support him financially once he knew the full truth.
“I think you have,” Zac replied, craning his neck a bit to nudge Taylor’s head with his. “But you’re welcome to say it as often as you want.”
Taylor chuckled. “Alright, let’s go, before I give you a serious ego. I was thinking Sao Paolo’s?”
Zac had eaten there once with Carly, but he bit his lip to stop himself from saying that. When was the last time he had even thought of her? He couldn’t remember. That had to be a good sign, he decided, even if there was a tiny pang in his chest at the memory. It faded quickly and didn’t leave him with that lingering empty feeling that had accompanied thoughts of her for so long.
He had someone else to more than fill the place she once had, he realized. He gave Taylor a smile and a nod, and although Taylor looked a bit confused, he smiled back.
“Sao Paolo’s it is,” Taylor said softly, one of his hands sliding easily into Zac’s. “Come on. I’m parked just around the corner, and they might not have towed my car yet, if we’re lucky.”
Zac chuckled, his brain hardly even registering how big of a step it was for him to hold Taylor’s hand. After everything with their parents that morning, Zac felt oddly invincible. If he could stand up to them, he could do anything.
Almost anything.
They had just rounded the corner of the studio when he spotted Shaun walking toward them. Like thoughts of Carly, his old friends had hardly crossed his mind lately. He could see from Shaun’s wide-eyed expression that Drew had kept his word and not told him anything about Zac and Taylor’s relationship.
“Hey,” Zac said, knowing there was no avoiding him. He felt Taylor try to slip his hand away, but the damage was done; Zac tightened his grip.
“Hey. Long time no see, man,” Shaun replied, sounding dazing. He glanced at Taylor. “you’re uh… Jordan, right?”
“Yeah. Nice to see you again.” Taylor was smiling, but Zac could see the fear in his eyes and feel the slight tremor in his hands.
Zac wondered if he should be scared, too. It was too late to worry about it; Shaun could draw the obvious conclusions for himself, and whatever he felt about it was up to him. There was nothing Zac could do to change this turn of events.
Shaun’s eyes were trained at a point off in the distance, no doubt trying not to look at his friend clearly holding hands with another man. He cleared his throat. “Well, hey, I’ve gotta run. End of the semester is always crazy with orientations and stuff. But we should get together after finals week—I mean, uh, all of us, I guess. Invite that Melissa chick along, too.”
Zac opened his mouth to protest, then sighed and shrugged. “Yeah, cool. Give me a text or something and let me know when and where.”
He knew, even as he said it, that the text wouldn’t come. He was just grateful that Shaun could keep up the pretense for long enough to exchange pleasantries. Still, Zac had no doubt this was the end of their friendship.
Once he had said goodbye and was out of earshot, Taylor gave Zac’s hand a squeeze and said, ‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have—put you in that position.”
“I wanted to be there,” Zac replied. ‘I mean, I don’t mind. He doesn’t know—neither does Drew—that you’re my brother. They just think… well, Drew put two and two together and just asked me. Shaun wasn’t as quick, I guess. But the truth—part of it–is out there now.”
“That’s the funny thing about it,” Taylor remarked. “You think coming out is this thing you do once and then it’s over. You’re out. But there are always more people, always new situations, and you always have to explain yourself again.”
“But why? Let people think what they want to think.”
Taylor bit his lip thoughtfully, then shook his head. “It’s not always that easy. I wish it was. And I hope that for you, it is. Not that—I mean, not to make any assumptions about your…”
“I love you,” Zac replied. “That’s all I know. That’s all I want to know. Maybe I’m just Taylor-sexual.”
“Maybe you are,” Taylor replied, chuckling softly.
Zac pulled his hand free of Taylor’s and instead wrapped it around his waist. Let everyone stare, he thought. Let them think whatever they wanted. He still felt ten foot tall and bulletproof. He had a feeling it wouldn’t last, but while it did, he was going to enjoy it. He could worry about their parents and his future when the bubble finally burst and he floated back down to earth.