Like a Stranger
The only sound in the room was the dull thud of Diana’s glass coming to rest on the table again. Zac wished the floor would open up and swallow him like a black hole. He should have known this farce would fail him in some way; of course, in their relief that they had diverted his parents’ suspicion, both he and Melissa had forgotten to inform Taylor so that he could avoid the apartment until their parents had left.
On the other hand, they were still his parents too, estranged or not.
Zac knew that, deep down, Taylor had wanted him to confront them and tell them the truth—or, at least, a portion of it. He had wanted Zac to stand up to them and let them know that Taylor was back in his life, whether they liked it or not.
Zac was reasonably certain that this was not how Taylor had foreseen that happening.
“Mom. Dad,” Taylor breathed out, sounding much more like a small child than like the strong, bulletproof twenty six year old man he seemed to be. Zac was quickly realizing that it was only a façade, and for as much a Taylor wanted Zac to confront their parents, neither of them had really thought through the consequences of that.
While Zac felt himself shattering at Taylor’s voice, neither of their parents seemed to react at all. Taylor might as well have been a complete stranger to them, and Zac had to wonder if that was an act or truly how they felt. He didn’t think he wanted to know the answer.
“Well,” Walker finally said, clearing his throat. “I think we need to get back to the hotel. It’s been a long day.”
“I think we should really talk about—” Taylor began, his voice becoming stronger as he spoke. Zac wanted to stand by his side, offer him some amount of support, but he found that his feet would not move.
Diana shook her head and held up a hand to stop him. “I really don’t think we have anything to say to each other.”
She shot Zac a glance that he had no difficulty interpreting. He would be the one answering for this. He would be the one answering for this betrayal of values his parents had assumed he shared with them. He would be the one explaining what the black sheep of the family was doing in his apartment. He would bear the burden of this.
It was the last he could do, Zac reasoned, after all that Taylor had suffered at their parents’ hands. He managed a small nod in acknowledgement of that, and then next time he glanced up, his parents were gone, leaving no trace that they had ever been there, aside from half-empty glasses and plates of untouched pepperoni pizza.
Melissa stood up and wordlessly filled a plate with pizza. She opened her mouth to speak, then shook her head and simply walked away. A moment later Zac heard the thud of what he assumed was his bedroom door closing.
At that, his legs finally saw fit to move again, but carried him only far enough to collapse in the nearest chair.
Taylor still stood frozen in the doorway. He ran a hand through his hair. “I’m going to assume you didn’t invite them here.”
“No,” Zac replied, shaking his head. “They were—they stopped by on the way to Aunt Sherrie’s.”
Taylor nodded softly, which only seemed to enhance the dazed expression on his face.
“I didn’t… I mean, it just took us by surprise. I wasn’t going to tell them anything—about, about us, I mean. Melissa tried to help cover for us, but we just…” Zac trailed off. He didn’t even know why he was talking. Did Taylor want him to tell them the truth? He didn’t know anymore.
Without another word, Taylor went straight to the refrigerator and retrieved a beer. He watched as Taylor chugged what appeared to be half the bottle before turning back to face him.
“You know,” Taylor said, “I’ve spent years—fucking years—wondering what they would do, if I ever saw them again. Even if I had managed to make something of myself, I knew it wouldn’t be enough for them to be proud of me. But I guess I just thought that somehow, after all this time, they would have changed. Not completely, but maybe enough to have a civil conversation with, even if it didn’t mean we’d mended all fences. But what I never expected was for them to look at me like I was a complete stranger. Like I meant nothing to them. Like I—like I was nothing.”
His voice cracked on the last word and Zac sprang from his chair to sweep Taylor up in his arms.
“You’re not nothing, Tay,” Zac said softly. “You’re my brother. You’re mine. Whatever they think or don’t think about you, it doesn’t matter. We’ve got each other, and I know the real you. And I love the real you.”
“But it’s not—I’m sorry, you know it’s not the same.”
“I do,” Zac replied honestly, nodding.
Taylor pulled back and sighed, running a hand through his hair. “Of course you know. It’s why you’ve tried to be everything they wanted you to be, and I am so sorry for judging for you that. I do understand it, even if I couldn’t ever do it myself. But it’ll kill you, Zac. It’ll eat you up inside until you’re just as hollow and heartless as they are, and I don’t ever want you to be like that.”
“Well, I think it’s safe to say any chances of me being like them have been blown to hell now,” Zac remarked. “I mean, I’m going to have to talk to them. Even if it’s the last time I ever do.”
Taylor looked as though he might disagree with Zac’s assessment of how their parents would react to whatever explanation he gave them. Then he seemed to think better of it and shook his head. “I know it would just be worse if I were there for moral support, but I’m going to make the offer anyway.”
“You’re probably right that it wouldn’t help,” Zac replied, then gave Taylor a gentle kiss on the cheek. “But I really, really appreciate the offer. More than you know. But let’s not think about it; I’ll deal with it all tomorrow. Right now, I just want some pizza and beer, and to pass out in bed next to you.”
As if to punctuate his statement, his stomach gave a loud growl. Taylor laughed, then replied, “Well, I think all of those things can be arranged. Let me pop a couple slices in the microwave; you still don’t like cold pizza, do you?”
“I don’t,” Zac replied, hating the little catch in his voice that gave away how it made him feel to know that Taylor remembered so many little details about him.
He began clearing away the evidence of their parents’ short visit while Taylor popped a few slices into the microwave. It had just dinged when Melissa appeared around the corner and cleared her throat nervously.
“Sorry,” she squeaked out, her plate clattering loudly as she placed it in the sink. “I didn’t—I mean, I hope I didn’t make things even more awkward.”
Taylor and Zac both shook their heads almost in unison, then Zac laughed nervously. “No, you tried. You did the best you could, and I really, really appreciate it.”
“I just hate that it ruined what was supposed to be a good night. Celebrating the end of the semester and everything. Which reminds me, Zac, didn’t you say you had something to tell us or something?”
Zac felt the blood leave his face. He had begun to tell Melissa about dropping out, but now it seemed like that decision had been made in an entirely different world. He realized he would need to confess that to his parents, too. He might as well, since he assumed he wouldn’t hear from them again after he defended Taylor to them. Dropping out would be the least of his sins.
But perhaps it wasn’t time to drop that bomb just yet.
He shook his head. “No, I’m just happy to be done with my thesis proposal. That’s all.”
Melissa looked as though she didn’t quite buy that explanation, but nevertheless she nodded her head and gave Zac a weak smile. “Well, I think I’ll go on back to my place. You two probably have… umm, a lot to talk about. Again—sorry. I just wish there was more I could do.”
“You’ve already done more than you know,” Taylor replied, reaching out to ouch her arm. “We’re both lucky we stumbled onto you; we must have both known, somehow, that you were someone who would understand—even before there was really anything to understand.”
Melissa shrugged, her smile turning a bit more sheepish. “I read a lot. Readers are—well, I was going to say weird, but open-minded. And weird, too, I guess.”
Zac laughed, then leaned in and gave Melissa a kiss on the forehead. “Seriously, thanks for everything. I’ll stop buy tomorrow and take you out to lunch. I think I’m going to owe you for a while.”
“I get off at one,” she replied, then stepped to Taylor and craned to reach up and kiss his cheek. “And I’ll see you in a few days, because I need to pick up some more of my mascara.”
“See you later, Mel,” Taylor replied.
Neither of them spoke again until the door had shut behind her. Zac slowly turned back to face Taylor, but saw that Taylor had turned his back again and was pushing buttons on the microwave. He stepped in closer and wrapped his arms around Taylor’s waist softly, only making him jump a little.
“This is going to be okay, somehow,” Zac said softly. “I know that’s easy for me to say, because I never went through what you went through with them.”
“Well, I hate to say it, but I’m afraid it’s your turn now.”
Zac heaved a sigh. “I know. And I know it won’t come close to compensating you for what you went through, but I’m willing to take my turn.”
“Don’t say it like that,” Taylor replied, spinning around. “You don’t owe me any sort of penance or anything. If I could go through this for you, I would.”
“And even if you could, I wouldn’t let you.”
“You know we could go around in circles like this forever,” Taylor remarked.
Zac chuckled softly. “We are both pretty stubborn, aren’t we? I just know I have to do this. I have to get through this, and then things will be okay for us. They have to be.”
“I hope you’re right,” Taylor replied. The microwave beeped again and he practically jumped out of Zac’s arms as he spun around to retrieve their pizza, which by then had to be piping hot.
Zac hoped he was right, too. He would have to go see their parents tomorrow, before they got back on the road. He would have to find some words to say to them, to explain that Taylor was in his life now, whether they liked it or not. What would have happened after that… he couldn’t even begin to guess.
He had thought that dropping out would fix his problems, but of course, it had only created even more. Even if those problems couldn’t truly be attributed to his decision, Zac couldn’t help feeling like he had set this chain of events into motion somehow. One small act of selfishness had created a ripple effect in the universe.