The Truth
Zac stared at his phone as thought it might bite him, even though of course he knew that was impossible. The text from Drew had seemed so ominous, though, and he feared what Drew could possibly want to talk about. Surely it was nothing bad, though. What could Drew know of all the trouble in his life? After all, Shaun hadn’t even known that Taylor had returned.
Somewhat reassured, Zac headed to the dining hall with only a little dread in his heart. He hopped in line at the campus coffee shop and bought himself a plain black coffee and a ham sandwich. Still feeling like he might never recover from his hangover from the weekend, he decided that was the most he would be able to eat. And if Drew did have something bad to discuss, then Zac was wasn’t sure he would even be able to stomach that much.
He finally located Drew at an isolated little booth, nursing his own coffee. He offered Zac a smile, but it didn’t spread entirely to his eyes. That wasn’t very reassuring, Zac thought.
“Hey,” Zac managed to rasp as he sat down. “What’s up? Your text sounded kinda… dire.”
“It’s not that bad,” Drew said. “I mean, I don’t think it is. I just wanted to talk to you about it first, kinda privately. Just in case.”
That really wasn’t reassuring. Zac pushed his sandwich away, deciding he wouldn’t be able to stomach even a single bite.
Drew cleared his throat. “Look, you know that night we went out to that bar? You met some girl and went home with her or whatever?”
“Sh-she drove me home,” Zac stuttered out, certain he knew exactly what night Drew was referring to.
“You were pretty wasted,” Drew continued. “So I don’t know if you realized, and I didn’t that night, but I saw her again and… I’m pretty sure she’s a he.”
Zac tried to adopt a properly shocked look, although all he really wanted to do was crawl under the table and die. How could he have thought they wouldn’t be discovered? Taylor made a convincing woman if you were drunk enough, but one only needed to take a closer look to realize the truth. Of course someone was bound to notice that the girl Zac had been with wasn’t a girl at all.
“That’s… that’s umm,” Zac stuttered, hoping to buy himself some time while he thought of a convincing lie. “I mean, I was pretty drunk. I barely even remember what she looked like.”
Drew nodded. “That’s what I figured, but I thought you’d want a heads up before you went looking for her again or anything, you know?”
Zac nodded. He swallowed hard and said a silent prayer for the lies he was about to spew. “It wasn’t… it wasn’t like that, anyway. I mean, she—he drove me home but that was all. He didn’t stay. Nothing happened.”
“And that’s what I figured,” Drew replied. “I mean, if anything had—you’d already know, right? That would make it pretty obvious that it was a guy underneath it all. Not to say that I would—and I’m just speaking for myself here—I wouldn’t judge you if anything did happen. It’s your life.”
Drew seemed to be backpedaling at an alarming rate and Zac wasn’t sure if he was sincere, but he nodded anyway, acknowledging his friend’s attempt at understanding what had happened. Not that Drew really had any clue at all; Zac was sure he would be far less understanding if he did.
“I just, you know, wanted to give you a little warning or whatever,” Drew said, then paused to take a sip of his coffee. “And I haven’t said a word to Shaun. You know how he is—not that he would judge you either, but he can just be…”
“Loud? Intense? Oblivious?” Zac offered.
Drew chuckled. “He kinda steamrolls over people, yeah. And I figured this is pretty much over, no reason to even think about it now, but it would be better if we kept it between you and me.”
“Agreed,” Zac replied.
Drew took another long sip of his coffee, then slapped his hand against the table. “So we’re cool? I’ve gotta get to soccer practice, but I’m glad I managed to catch you before then.”
“We’re cool,” Zac replied, although he was feeling anything but.
“Alright,” Drew said, giving Zac a smile that said he hadn’t seen through Zac’s veneer of false tranquility. “Maybe we can make some plans this weekend. I know Shaun is dying to get back out to some club or another.”
“Just as long as it’s not the Electric Ballroom.” Zac chuckled as he said it, hoping to turn it into a joke, when in fact it sounded like a nightmare scenario to possibly have to explain the truth about “Jordan” to his friends.
Drew just shook his head and laughed. “No worries, man. I don’t think we’ll be going back there any time soon. See ya later.”
Zac watched his friend walk away, then let out a long, shaky sigh once he’d gone. Whatever he had expected from Drew’s text… it wasn’t that. He was skating on the thinnest possible ice now, he realized. He didn’t know how he was going to keep the truth hidden, especially when he had just told Shaun about his brother’s return. All of his friends knew bits and pieces of the full story, and Zac realized he somehow had to keep them all from comparing notes… and meeting Taylor.
Too late for that, he thought. Melissa had been the closest to piecing it all together, but now he feared the entire world would know the truth before too long.
Zac was in a daze for the rest of the day. He barely heard a word his professors said during his afternoon classes, and not a single one of them stuck in his head. All he could think about, though, was his conversation with Drew. He knew he needed to tell Taylor, but that likely meant talking about that first night and the things they had done. While it didn’t necessarily mean the latter, it was far too close for comfort. The more they talked about it or things adjacent to it, the harder it became for Zac to hide and deny his feelings.
Finally his classes ended for the afternoon and he had little reason to linger on campus and avoid Taylor. He didn’t even know for sure if Taylor would be home, but he had his suspicions. It was just his luck that Taylor would be home early on the night when he really didn’t want him to be. Just to prolong the inevitable, he spent a few hours in the library reading his text books in the hopes of compensating for the lectures he’d daydreamed his way through and looking up journal articles on his thesis topic.
Melissa was just going on her break when Zac finally left, finding no more excuses to avoid Taylor. Even the offer of dinner with her didn’t sway him into staying on campus. He had to face his fears, Zac decided.
When he arrived back at his apartment he saw that Taylor’s car was in fact in its usual place. The fact that it even had a usual place made Zac uncomfortable, but there was no way to go back in time and refuse to let Taylor stay with him. Zac knew that even if he could, he wouldn’t. Whatever else he was, Taylor was still his brother.
He wasn’t surprised to smell food when he stepped into the apartment, and as soon as the door slammed behind him, Taylor appeared and gave him a smile. “You may need to stick it in the microwave, but there’s beef stroganoff in the kitchen.”
“Thanks,” Zac said weakly, all of his resolve melting at the sight of Taylor, disheveled and—he had to admit, at least to himself—gorgeous in his thin white t-shirt and jeans.
Zac wiggled past Taylor, trying to put as much distance between their bodies as he possibly could. In such a small apartment, it was really an exercise in futility, but he hadn’t try. The shameful truth was that he just didn’t trust himself. Taylor seemed unfazed by being so near him, but every little look and touch drove Zac insane. It was only a matter of time before he snapped completely.
He microwaved the stroganoff and sat down to eat his dinner in silence and, ideally, alone. It was every bit as delicious as he’d come to expect from Taylor’s cooking, and that somehow only made Zac feel worse. He didn’t deserve how nice Taylor had been to him. If he told Taylor the truth about his feelings for him… it would surely undo what little progress they had made. It would ruin everything. Even telling Taylor what Drew had said might throw their delicate balance off.
It almost wasn’t worth risking it, but Zac knew Taylor needed to be warned.
After finishing his dinner and rinsing off his plate, Zac walked into the living room resolved to finally talk to Taylor. His brother was nowhere to be seen, but he heard murmurs that seemed to be coming from Taylor’s room. Did Taylor have company? Zac didn’t think so. He was probably on the phone, Zac decided, but that didn’t stop him from padding down the hall and rapping gently on his door.
“No, it’s not like—” Taylor could be heard saying. “Devin, no. Really.”
Zac’s stomach turned at the name. He didn’t even know this Devin, but he already knew that he didn’t like him. Then again, Zac thought, he might not have reconnected with Taylor if not for Devin’s role in Taylor eventually becoming homeless. Still, he didn’t like him. Not one bit.
“Will you please just—” Once again, Taylor was cut off. “I’ve got to go. I don’t know. I’ll think about it, okay?”
Taylor sounded utterly exhausted and beaten down, and Zac hated Devin for doing that to him. He didn’t even know what they had been talking about, but it was obvious he was trying to talk Taylor into something. Whatever it was, Zac was positive he didn’t want Taylor to do it.
The bedroom door suddenly opened, and Zac jumped. He’d been so lost in his thoughts that it took him entirely by surprise, and left him speechless. Whatever he had wanted to say, it was all entirely gone from his mind now.
“Yeah?” Taylor asked, looking like he was on the verge of tears. “Did you need something?”
Zac shook his head. “No, I—is everything okay?”
“It’s just Devin,” Taylor replied with a dismissive shrug that belied the look in his eyes. “He seems to think we’re going to get back together.”
“Are you?” Zac asked, even though he was certain he didn’t want the answer.
“I don’t think so,” Taylor replied, but he didn’t seem so confident. He sighed. “What would you say if your ex—Carly, right?—called and begged you to take her back.”
Zac stuttered out a few pitiful noises that weren’t even words, but couldn’t answer. He genuinely didn’t know. In spite of what he felt for Taylor and even what he had done with Melissa, he didn’t know. He didn’t love Carly anymore; not the way that he used to. But could he really turn her down?
Taylor nodded knowingly. “It’s like that. I really don’t know.”
“I think… umm,” Zac stuttered out, then shook his head and backed away from Taylor. “Nevermind. What I wanted… it’s not important.”
It was a lie, but it was all Zac could say. He stumbled away and closed his bedroom door behind him, effectively blocking Taylor out. He thought he was strong enough for this, but he was wrong. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t tell him the truth.