The Weight of the World
On Monday, Zac returned to campus and his classes as though nothing had happened, operating entirely on autopilot. Perhaps he was finally coming out the other side of the tunnel, escaping the depression that had threatened to drag him down for so long. He didn’t really believe that, though. He had just learned how to cope and keep on surviving, if not truly living, in a suspended state. There was nothing good about his life or his emotional state right then. He was just numb.
But numb was better than a lot of the other options, Zac decided.
In his numb state, he didn’t register a single word any of his professors said, but that didn’t really matter. Nothing mattered. Nothing but Taylor, of course.
Once his classes ended, Zac found himself just wandering aimlessly around campus. He’d unearthed an old sketchbook in his closet while digging for his paints, and as a last thought before leaving his apartment, he’d tossed it into his messenger bag. With no appetite, he decided to skip lunch and instead sat down under a tree and began to sketch.
“Hey, Zac!” A voice called out, interrupting his third study of Taylor.
He glanced up and saw Shaun headed his way. There was no escape, and so Zac forced a smile and a wave.
Shaun flopped down onto the grass next to him. “Man, I feel like I haven’t seen you in years. What’s going on?”
“Not much,” Zac replied.
“Yeah?” Shaun asked, not sounding entirely convinced. “Well, I think Drew and me were going out to check out some band at that new club in Red River tonight. You up for it?”
“Umm, I don’t know,” Zac stuttered out. “I think, uh, Taylor might be—”
Shaun’s eyes widened. “Taylor? Who’s she?”
Zac realized too late that he’d said too much. Had he been so lost in his own problems for that long, that he hadn’t even told his best friends about Taylor’s return to his life? Melissa knew, of course, but he had been drifting away from Shaun and Drew for so long that he hardly even noticed their absence from his life… or his absence from theirs.
“He,” Zac managed to choke out. “Taylor. My brother Taylor. He’s, uh, he’s been in Austin for a while and he just found me.”
Shaun’s eyes widened, and his mouth twitched a few times before finally settling into a smile. “Well, hell. Why haven’t you brought him around? We’ve heard so much about this brother. Don’t you think it’s about time we met him?”
Zac wasn’t even sure it was time for him to meet Taylor, not the Taylor who existed now, at least. Then he had to remind himself that this was who Taylor had always been, in some way. Wasn’t it? Zac wasn’t even sure who he himself was anymore.
“Zac? Earth to Zac,” Shaun said, chuckling softly. “Why don’t you bring him out to the club this weekend?”
Zac shook his head. Reality crashed back down upon him at Shaun’s words, and he wished he could have somehow kept Taylor a secret forever. “No, I don’t… I don’t think he’s much of a partier. Not the clubbing type.”
It was an absolute lie, but Zac hoped Shaun bought it. Shaun nodded slowly, as though he were carefully considering Zac’s words, then finally gave him a big smile.
“That’s cool, that’s cool,” Shaun replied. “You haven’t been much of one either lately. Not since you met that chick… what was her name?”
“I don’t remember,” Zac lied, his mouth going dry as he said the words. This conversation was treading into very dangerous territory, and Zac had no good lies prepared to save his ass. “Things didn’t really go anywhere with her.”
Shaun just shook his head, still smiling. “Well, what about you and Melissa? You guys have been hanging out a lot more, right?”
“It’s not like that,” Zac said, although he really wasn’t sure anymore what it was like. Melissa had said they were still just friends, but they had done some less than friendly things. Could things really go back to normal after that? They certainly hadn’t with Taylor, but then again, Taylor was his brother.
“Yeah, alright,” Shaun said. “We’ll see about that. I’ve gotta run, though. But we’ll make some plans for this weekend later and maybe we can all meet that brother of yours, huh?”
Zac nodded, but didn’t speak. He was fairly certain if he opened his mouth, no actual words would come out anyway, just a scream or a sob.
Once Shaun finally left him alone, Zac tried to resume drawing, but his concentration was gone. The moment was ruined. He groaned and slammed his notebook down on the grass, not caring if he stained the page he’d been working on.
“What’s wrong?” Melissa asked, and Zac jumped, not having realized she had walked up in time to see his miniature tantrum.
“Everything,” he replied, pouting. It wasn’t far from the truth, but he felt better if he made it seem like a joke when talking to her.
Melissa plopped down on the grass next to him. “Everything. Okay. Starting with…?”
Zac shook his head. There was only one place to start, and it was the one thing he still absolutely didn’t want to tell Melissa at all.
“Still not talking about it, huh?” She asked, only the slightest tinge of annoyance to her voice. “That’s alright. I’ll wear you down eventually.”
“I doubt that,” Zac replied, but he was beginning to think she was right. With a sigh, he asked, “Who am I, Melly?”
“I’m not sure I’m the right person to ask, given that we’ve only really known each other for a few weeks,” she said. “But to me, you’re a sweet, sensitive guy who feels way too much and thinks way too much and worries way too much. And you’ve had to deal with a lot, some of which I don’t even know about yet, that has worn you down. But you’re still standing. You’re stronger than you think you are. Honestly. And you’re also a really good artist, if this is anything to judge by.”
To Zac’s horror, she had picked up his sketchbook and was scrutinizing the drawing of Taylor. Unlike Shaun, Melissa would know exactly who it was. Zac was afraid to see how she was interpret that; she already knew too much about the fact that all of his troubles revolved around Taylor. But she would never… could never… figure out the truth. It was too outlandish. Wasn’t it?
“It really is a shame he plays for the wrong team,” Melissa practically sighed out.
“Are you seriously suggesting that you’d go after my brother if he were straight? That hurts Melly, it really hurts.” In spite of himself, Zac smiled.
Melissa nudged him. “Oh, hush. You know you’re still my number one. I’m just remarking on the unfairness of such a gorgeous specimen being completely out of my league.”
“Yeah, well,” Zac mumbled. “Just as long as I’m still your favorite.”
She grinned. “Of course you are, sweetie. But I like him. He seems a lot like you. Like he’s got a lot of pain he doesn’t want to talk about. I don’t want to sound preachy or demanding or whatever, but you should talk to him. And maybe you can share whatever your troubles are with him, too.”
“I’m not so sure about that,” Zac mumbled, his head falling so that his hair covered his eyes. That was a plus to growing his hair out again, he decided; it was so much easier to just hide behind it and hide his emotions from those around him.
But he couldn’t hide from Melly. She could already see through him so much and it scared him. As outlandish as it was, it had to be only a matter of time before she saw the truth about him and Taylor, too.
“I know he’s part of the problem,” she said softly, once again seeming to read his mind.
“Wh-what do you mean?” Zac stuttered out unconvincingly.
Melissa rolled her eyes. “Your long lost brother comes back into your life after nearly a decade apart, thanks to your wonderful parents, and you think it’s going to be all smiles and rainbows? It’s got to be tough. I can’t even imagine.”
“I wish I couldn’t,” Zac mumbled. It was the understatement of the year.
“It’s just going to take time,” she continued. “But talking to him, letting him know how you feel, couldn’t hurt. Maybe in the short term it will hurt a little, but bottling the emotions up won’t help either.”
“But I’m so good at bottling things up,” Zac replied, smirking slightly. He had hoped to lighten the mood, but Melissa’s serious look said that she wasn’t going to let him get away with that. “Okay, okay. I’ll try to talk to him. I can’t guarantee I’ll get very far, but I’ll try.”
He was fairly certain they had already talked enough and said all that they needed to say about it. The fact that they hadn’t yet discussed the kisses they had shared the previous weekend was irrelevant. Those didn’t need to be discussed at all, Zac thought. But he had just made Melissa a promise. He was screwed.
“That’s all I ask of you,” she said, smiling a little. “Just try. I believe in you, even if you don’t believe in yourself.”
“You hit the nail on the head there,” Zac said, sighing.
Melissa leaned against him and sighed herself. “It’s a good thing I’m such an optimist or being friends with you would seriously get me down. But unfortunately, I need to get to work soon. You think you’ll make it through the afternoon without me?”
“It’ll be tough, but I think I’ll survive.” Zac smirked as he said it, but he hoped Melissa realized it really wasn’t that much of a joke.
Melissa just leaned more heavily against him and gave him arm a squeeze. “You’ll be fine, sweetie. But give me a text or a call later and let me know, alright? And keep me updated on this talk you and pretty boy are going to have.”
“Yeah, alright,” Zac replied, giving her the best smile he could manage. “You have fun shelving those books.”
Melissa laughed as she pried herself away from him and stood it. “It’s always a riot, you know that. See ya later.”
“See ya, Melly.”
He watched her walk away, then glanced back at his notebook again. His desire to draw pictures of Taylor was gone, but he had a feeling it wouldn’t stay gone for a long. Taylor seemed to be the only thing on his mind lately, which didn’t bode very well for his classes. Then again, he had never been that great of a student; he did just enough to coast but never lived up to all the potential everyone claimed he had.
He thought back to Taylor’s question to him the other day. Why was he in grad school, considering the fact that he really had only ever been a mediocre student? He supposed it was because he didn’t know what else to do with his life. Somehow, Zac had reasoned, if he kept giving school another try, he might get better at it.
What was he even doing here, he asked himself, as he looked around at the campus in front of him? Was he really just wasting his entire life on something he didn’t even want?
Just as the weight of the world crashing down upon him, leaving him feeling like he couldn’t breathe, his phone began to buzz in his pocket. Even though he felt buried under a crushing pain, he managed to pry his phone out and look at the text on the screen.