Oct. 16, 2013. Oread Hotel, Lawrence, KS.
Zac
Every nerve was on fire, every part of me shaking with a need that scared me. But he was actually going to do it; Taylor was actually going to fuck me. In all the years I’d wanted this, I never dreamed it would ever happen, and I’d accepted that. But after that first experience with him, the hope that my fantasy would become reality grew and grew, and now I was being given my absolute deepest desire.
“O-okay,” Tay said with a shaking voice. I felt the bed shift behind me as he moved closer, pulling my hand back; I gasped when I felt his hard cock pressed against me and ground my hips back against him. That earned me another spank.
“So fucking needy..” he said, and all I could do was nod and whimper pathetically. “You want my cock bad, don’t you?” He pressed the tip against me, and I moaned loudly.
“Y-yes…”
Taylor groaned and grabbed my hips, and before I could react he thrust into me completely. I was ready, but the suddenness of it was enough to make me scream and arch my back.
“You okay?” Tay asked; I could feel him trembling, but he held still so I could adjust. “Okay,” he said when I nodded, pulling almost all the way out, then thrusting back into me just as hard. I cried out again, my eyes watering; he was so deep, deeper than I’d ever dared to go with my toy.
“Fuck,” he gasped. “So tight, Zac.” He slowly began to thrust, every movement drawing another moan or whimper from me.
“G-god…”
“You like that?” He dug his nails into my hips, and I gasped.
“Yes.”
“Tell me,” he commanded, smacking my ass again and thrusting faster.
“I love it.” I felt so ashamed, but the shame was only adding to the excitement in a twisted way. I knew how wrong this all was, and it wasn’t that I didn’t care; I was just too far gone to let that get in the way of seeing it through.
“Yeah,” he groaned, speeding up more. “Fucking whore…”
“Yes, I am,” I whimpered. I was a whore, begging for my brother’s cock; I was every bit as depraved as he said, and deserved nothing less than being called out for it. Taylor seemed to be getting off on the name-calling too, moaning softly.
“Tell me how much of a dirty whore you are.”
“S-such a whore… letting my b-brother fuck me…”
“You love it though. You love having your brother’s cock in your ass.”
“I do. I love your c-cock.”
Tay groaned and wrapped a hand around my painfully hard dick; I gasped, thrusting into his hand. He sped up all his movements, finding a rhythm.
“Fuck… such a little slut for me.”
“Y-yes… I’m your slut.”
“My dirty slut,” he panted.
He was really getting into it, and as sick as it was, I loved it. Being called a whore, a slut… it made me feel so good. It wasn’t any secret I’d had self-esteem issues for ages, and maybe that was part of it, but being told how dirty I was… there was a kind of pride in that. Like being rewarded for my depravity. And being called his slut, his whore… well, that just added another layer.
“You gonna come for me?”
“Yes master,” I whined, nodding.
“Good. You better come really fucking hard.”
“Yes, I’ll come hard… so hard for you.”
“But not,” Tay said, gripping me tightly. “Not until I say.”
I whimpered; I was so close already, and I didn’t know if I could stop myself. But he slapped my ass hard.
“Did you hear me?”
“Y-yes master… I’ll try.” Apparently that wasn’t good enough for him, as he brought his hand down on my ass again.
“I didn’t tell you to try.”
“Yes master!” I cried out.
“Good. Mmm, I bet you want me to come in your ass, don’t you? Dirty fucking slut that you are.” He dragged his nails down my back, thrusting harder; I arched my back, hissing when he dug his nails in. “Answer. Me.”
“Y-yes master. I want you to come in my ass.”
“Good. I’ll fill you up, baby.”
Baby. That word alone was enough to make me moan. Part of me warned that he was caught up in the moment, and not to read too much into it, but it still stuck out in my mind.
“Fuck, Zac… I’m so close.”
“Oh god, m-me too.”
“Not. Until. I. Say.” He dug his nails into my hip, gripping my dick tighter, and I whimpered again. He groaned, his hips crashing against mine until I feel like I was going to break.
“M-master,” I gasped, pleading.
“Yeah?”
“I’m so close.” I was right on the edge, barely able to hold back. I felt like I was going to burst any second, my entire being exploding into a million pieces.
“Not yet…” His movements became frantic, his whole body shaking. “Fuck, Zac… I’m coming!”
I moaned loudly, throwing my head back and crying out as I felt him filling me with spurt after spurt of warmth. He twisted his wrist, stroking me hard and fast.
“Come on Zac. Come for me.” That was all it took, and I was done.
“T-tay!” I cried out, coming hard all over his hand and the blanket below me. Tay let me go after a second, pulling out of me, and I collapsed to the bed. I didn’t care that I was laying in my own mess; I could barely think, let alone move. I watched as Tay got up, grabbing some tissues from the nightstand and passing them to me.
“Here, baby. Clean yourself up.”
I blinked, hesitating. The moment had passed, but he was still calling me baby? It didn’t make sense. I grabbed the tissues and wiped myself off, looking away as Tay did the same before laying down next to me.
“You okay?” he asked, but I could only nod; I felt so drained, physically and emotionally. I curled into a ball, my whole body shaking. “I know it’s… really intense. If you wanna cuddle or talk or if you want me to just leave you alone… whatever you need, I’ll do.” He paused, waiting for me; I nodded again, not really knowing what to say. “What do you need, baby?” he asked softly.
I hesitated; sure, he said he would do whatever I needed, but I didn’t know what that even was. After a moment I scooted over, curling up against him; he wrapped an arm lightly around me.
“You wanna cuddle?”
I nodded, burying my face in his chest; somehow this was almost more embarrassing than anything we’d just done.
“Aw, baby… I like to cuddle afterward, too.”
I nodded, sniffling a bit; I wasn’t the type to cry, ever, so I had no clue where that was coming from. Taylor frowned, rubbing my back, and I curled tighter against him, sniffling again. I could feel the heat behind my eyes, the pinpricks of oncoming tears, and it scared me not knowing why.
“What are you thinking now, baby?” he asked softly. Again with the sweet pet name; it confused me even more than my sudden urge to sob into his chest.
“J-just… a l-lot…”
“I know.” He nodded, rubbing my back, and that helped a little. “I know it’s really intense and a lot to take in.” I nodded, my teeth chattering. “You cold?”
“A little…” Honestly I wasn’t cold, but I just couldn’t seem to stop shaking. He pulled the blankets up over both of us, and the warmth did feel soothing. “Better?”
I nodded, still shaking; I nuzzled his chest a bit, and something broke, the tears I’d been holding back breaking free.
“Z-zac…”
“Sorry,” I mumbled, sniffling again and wishing I wasn’t so damn weak.
“No. Don’t apologize, okay? Whatever you’re feeling is… is normal. Everyone reacts kinda different afterward. But if you’re not okay, I need to know that, alright?”
“I th-think I’m ok-kay,” I stuttered, knowing I probably sounded anything but.
“I know it kinda feels not okay right now. Believe me, I know.”
I looked up at him slowly, and realized he probably did know. He was a sub, after all; he’d probably gone through something like this, and that made it a little easier.
“You’ll feel better soon, I promise.” He paused, frowning. “You’re probably gonna be sore, though…” he added, and I chuckled slightly; that was an understatement and a half. “When you read about all this stuff, you did read about sub drop, right? Or sub space?”
I tilted my head; the terms sounded vaguely familiar, but nothing was jumping out at me.
“Oh,” he said, pouting a bit. “Um, okay. Well it’s like… afterward, you feel kinda funny. And sometimes you can get kinda depressed or like… numb. It’ll pass, you just gotta ride it out.”
“Oh… okay.” That did make a kind of sense, and it was good to know it was just a temporary glitch.
“The more intense things are, the worse it can be. Or if the Dom just really pushes the wrong button. Or the right button,” he added with a slight chuckle. I laughed a bit, but then sighed deeply.
“This… goes beyond the usual ‘not normal’, doesn’t it?”
“You mean because… because we’re brothers?”
I nodded, and he bit his lip. I didn’t know why I’d asked; of course it wasn’t normal. It wasn’t even in the same universe as normal.
“It’s, um… Yeah, I’m not gonna tell you that’s normal.” He bit his lip again, and I smirked.
“Scott told you not to do that,” I reminded him. “You trying to get punished?”
“I think I’ve already earned plenty of punishment, don’t you?” he shot back, smirking a little himself. I giggled; it felt good to know we could still tease each other. “And what, you gonna tell on me?”
“Maybe.”
“That’s not nice.” Taylor pouted, looking honestly worried, and I frowned.
“I was only kidding. I wouldn’t do that to you.”
“Yeah, you’ve gotten my ass in enough trouble tonight.” He gave me another tiny smirk, slapping my ass; it wasn’t hard, but I was sore enough that even the playful smack stung, and I gasped. “Shit… I’m sorry Zac,” he apologized immediately, frowning.
“It’s okay.”
“Look, I know you like it and you wanna like… please me or whatever, but you do have a limit. Don’t ignore that limit, okay? And yes, that’s an order.”
“Yes, Master.” I smiled at him, and he giggled a little. “You like that, huh?”
“Kinda? It’s weird, though.”
“Yeah…” I said, nodding. I thought about everything that had happened, but one thing kept pestering me. I was afraid to bring it up, but maybe it was my masochistic nature that brought the words out regardless. “Tay?”
“Yeah?”
“Um, before… when you were saying… stuff…”
“Be more specific, Zac.”
I sighed, burying my face in Tay’s chest again to hide the blush I could feel spreading across my cheeks. I wanted to just forget it, but I couldn’t. But I’d been lucky so far; everything I’d hoped for and then some, in spite of all my doubts. So maybe I needed to take one more step out onto that limb. After everything we’d done, what was the worst that could really happen?
Taylor
“You… you called me…” Zac stuttered out. “You were just… in character or whatever… right?”
In my own haze, which wasn’t unlike Zac’s, I had to struggle to understand what he meant. Finally I realized that I had called him baby a few times. I hadn’t thought anything of it at the time; I called him a whore and a slut, too. Baby had an entirely different connotation, though, and one that meant a different sort of damnation than the one I was already making peace with. I didn’t want to think about that. Frowning, I replied, “I… umm… yeah, I guess. It just k-kinda came out…”
“Oh,” Zac replied. “Okay…”
“I’m sorry?” I didn’t know what Zac wanted from me. Whatever answer he was fishing for, I was certain I hadn’t given it.
Zac just shrugged.
“Did… did you like it?” I asked. When Zac tensed, I added, “It’s okay if you did. And it’s okay if you didn’t.”
“You sure?” Zac asked, staring up into my eyes.
Almost in spite of myself, I found myself saying, “Whatever you want is… is fine by me. Promise.”
“I think…” He smiled a little. “I think I did like it.”
“Okay,” I replied, even though I was sure it was anything but.
“No one’s ever called me that.”
Both his statement and how he said it so nonchalantly sent a sharp pain through my chest. Frowning deeply, I asked, “No one?”
Zac shook his head. “Well, besides Mom.”
“But not… nevermind,” I cut myself off before I said his wife’s name. “I don’t want to know what she calls you.”
He snorted, but it wasn’t all that funny, at least not to me. Our wives might have been friends, but I had often wondered what Zac actually saw in Kate. As I rubbed his back and felt him inching closer to me, I realized that a few more pieces of that puzzle had been revealed to me, but I still couldn’t quite see the full picture.
“C-can I ask you something, though?” I didn’t know how much Zac would reveal to me, especially now, but I couldn’t stop myself from spewing more and more words, it seemed. When Zac nodded, I asked, “How come you never told me?”
“Umm… which part?”
“The… the part where you apparently aren’t entirely straight?”
He smirked. “Oh, that part.”
“Yes,” I replied, rolling my eyes. “That part.”
“I… I guess I was just kinda embarrassed… just about, like… not knowing anything.”
“We all gotta learn sometime,” I replied. “You shouldn’t be embarrassed. You know, out of everyone you know, you coulda talked to me. I mean, how many other bisexual brothers have you got?”
I had to make light of the situation somehow, or I was fairly certain I would go insane… if I wasn’t already. At least Zac returned my smirk.
“Seriously, though,” I continued. “You can talk to me about anything, okay?”
He nodded. “Okay.”
“How long… have you known? Or thought, suspected, whatever?”
“Dunno.” He shrugged. “A while.”
“Okay,” I replied, feeling like I was pulling teeth to get answers from him, but I couldn’t stop myself. “And you decided to… test the theory with a little toy? Well, not so little.”
Zac’s cheeks turned bright pink and he gave me a shy smile. “Didn’t start with that one…”
“You’ve got… more than one?!”
“Not anymore,” he replied. “Used to have a couple.”
“Not anymore?” I repeated.
He shook his head. “Nope, just the one.”
“Why’d you get rid of the others?”
His cheeks darkened, and I had to strain to hear his reply. “I kinda started only using the one…”
“Slut,” I replied, grinning. I had imagined a dozen reasons why he might have gotten rid of his apparently rather large dildo stash, but I hadn’t expected that answer.
Zac covered his face with his hand, but I could still see his grin. Uncovering it slowly, he said, “Anyway, you’re one to talk. Dirty mouth.”
“Yeah, well,” I said, blushing. “You got me started. You wanted it.”
He nodded in agreement, looking down shyly. A slight pout on his lips, he said, “So now you know…”
“Now I know what?” I asked. I had learned a lot about my brother over the last few days. He was going to have to be more specific than that.
He blinked at me. “Um, nothing…”
“What?” I tilted my head to the side. There was definitely more that Zac wanted to say, but for whatever reason, he had stopped himself.
He shook his head. “Nothing… you know, the whole… bi thing.”
“Yeah…” I replied, nodding slowly. “Is that all?”
“Mhm,” he replied, not looking up, and I didn’t believe him at all.
“Zac,” I said a little sternly.
He flinched, but looked up at me. “Y-yeah?”
“Is that all?” I asked again.
“No…” He replied, pouting. He didn’t want to tell me whatever it was, but now I was too curious to let it go.
“Okay,” I said. “Tell me.”
“Don’t wanna…” He sighed.
I gave him a pout. “Please?”
“Fine…” He replied with a sigh. He sucked his bottom lip into his mouth, chewing on it.
“Hey, if I can’t do that, you shouldn’t be allowed to either,” I replied somewhat teasingly, hoping if I could lighten the mood a bit, he would relax and tell me whatever else was on his mind.
Zac raised an eyebrow. “Another rule?”
“I… I guess,” I replied, ignoring the fact that all of these rules were inching us closer to a Dom/sub arrangement.
“Okay,” he said, his lips twitching up into the slightest of smirks. “Well, you know how I said I thought about you?”
“Mhm…” I replied, nodding.
“It didn’t start with the biting…” He said, his eyes darting away from me.
“Y-you… you thought about me before that?” I asked. It was obvious that was what he meant, but I still needed to hear him spell it out to believe it.
He nodded, his head still down so that I couldn’t read his expression.
“How long?”
“A while,” he said softly.
“How long?” I repeated, my voice stern.
Zac sighed. “Since I was thirteen.”
“Wow…” I breathed out. “You could have told me.”
“Right,” he snorted. “‘Hey Tay, guess what? I have the hots for you; wanna make out?’”
In spite of myself, I giggled at the thought of my awkward teenage brother, not quite the gorgeous man he would become, saying that to me. “You never know. I might have said yes. I mean, I didn’t exactly want you to know that I like being tied up and beaten and shit… and look how that turned out for us.”
Zac smirked, but it faded soon, replaced with a curious look. “Wait…”
“What?”
“You like getting tied up?” He asked.
“Umm… yeah…” I replied, not realizing that was such a big revelation compared to… well, everything else. “What?”
“Nothing,” Zac said. “Just… that’s kinda hot.”
“Yeah?” I asked. “You thinking about tying me up? Or you wanna be tied up?”
He shrugged, as though both ideas seemed equally appealing to him.
“Geez, I’ve already got one Dom…” I mumbled, although the thought of Zac tying me up and returning the favor, as it were, didn’t bother me one bit.
Zac chuckled. “Yeah, I don’t think I’m really Dom material anyway.”
“It’s funny…” I said, eying him. “I wouldn’t have really pegged you for a sub. Or, well, as being kinky at all. No offense.”
“Yeah, I know…” He laughed it off.
“You’re just full of surprises, aren’t ya?”
He grinned, almost proudly, I thought.
“So, tell me Zac…” I said. “What did you learn in all your research, huh?”
He blushed, and I wondered just what sort of websites he had done his research on. “Well, there’s plenty of sex stuff, but there’s a lot of mental stuff that goes with it.”
“Yeah, there is,” I agreed. “That’s what I was trying to explain to you… about me and Scott.”
Zac nodded. “Yeah, I think I understand that better now.”
“Good,” I replied.
“Anyway,” Zac continued, his fingers barely grazing the chain around my neck, “there was a lot about collars, too… and like, what they mean.”
“Mhm…” I replied, trembling as Zac touched the lock. I wondered if he understood how messy our situation was now. If he did, did he care?
“Guess he figured this’d be more subtle, huh?”
“Guess so…” I mumbled.
Zac snorted. “Not by much.”
“Yeah, well, I’ve been trying to hide it. You’re the only person who’s noticed.”
“So you belong to him…” Zac said softly.
“Yeah,” I replied, nodding. “I do.”
“That’s… really serious,” Zac said. Maybe he did understand after all. “I mean, most of the sites I read say its like the equivalent of… of a ring.”
“Yeah…” I replied, frowning a bit. Scott and I hadn’t really discussed our… thing… in terms of that. Hell, I wasn’t sure he would even call it a relationship, at least not in the conventional sense of the word. “I know it seems really sudden, and I know you don’t like him…”
“I never said that.”
“You pretty much said it,” I shot back.
“Okay, he’s kind of a dick. But the fun kind.” Zac smiled a little, then sighed when he realized what he had actually said.
“Yeah, he is a dick,” I replied, giggling. “But there’s more to him than that.”
“Well, if you trust him enough to commit after one night… he can’t be all that bad.”
“It does seem crazy when you put it that way, doesn’t it?” I asked.
Zac nodded. And I knew that it did. But somehow, it didn’t feel crazy to me. Not as crazy as certain other things I’d done recently felt…
“It kinda is, I guess,” I admitted. “I can’t… I can’t explain it. But it just feels right.”
Zac nodded, then curled up closer and nuzzled my chest. “I know what you mean.”
“I think you’d like him if you got to know him,” I replied. With a giggle, I added, “I mean, not as much as I like him…”
Zac chuckled, and his breath tickled my chest.
“I never really paid much attention to his band, you know… they went through the same kind of shit we did. It didn’t really work out for them, though.”
“Yeah, I heard…” Zac mumbled.
“I knew they broke up, but I didn’t really know the details,” I continued. “You know his brother, umm… Dave… is gay?”
Zac nodded. “Heard about it online.”
“Well, I didn’t know,” I replied. “Anyway, Scott’s still working as a producer and stuff, but I guess it just really feels like his life has been out of his control for a while, you know? I think he was kinda bitter… jealous even… that we’re still going and they’re not. At least at first, until he got to know me a little more.”
Zac smiled. I wasn’t sure where all this rambling had come from, but it seemed like I couldn’t stop myself.
“The grass is always greener, you know? Neither one of us really ended up with the life we wanted…”
“Yeah…” Zac replied, an adorable pout on his lips.
“But having him helps,” I said. “And I help him, too.”
Zac gave a soft sigh and looked down. I was fairly certain that was a bad sign, but I wasn’t sure what I had said to cause it.
“You know what I mean?” I asked.
Without looking up, he gave me a shrug.
“Zac…” I said, warningly. “Talk to me.”
His pout deepened. “Don’t wanna.”
“Didn’t ask if you wanted to,” I said, my voice a little stern. It was the most I could manage right then, still on the edge of what I supposed could be called topdrop.
Zac looked up, a little surprised. He swallowed hard, then averted his eyes again. “It’s just… I dunno, that just sounds… kinda nice.”
“It is,” I replied, nodding. I thought I could see where his thoughts were going now. “And I guess… you wish you had someone like that?”
He nodded, curling up even closer to me. If he got any closer, I was fairly certain we would just become one person. I wrapped my arms around him, wanting to comfort him in whatever way I could… even if it couldn’t necessarily be the way he needed. He started to wrap an arm around my waist, but then pulled away abruptly.
“Is something wrong?” I asked. So, so much was wrong, and precious little of it could be fixed by either of us.
He shook his head, but I didn’t believe him.
“Then why’d you pull away?” I asked, and only received a sigh in response. “Zac.”
“What.”
I flinched at his harsh tone, so unlike the way he had behaved all night. Knowing that my words couldn’t fix much, I said, “I just… I just wanna make sure you’re okay. I want you to talk to me.”
“I’m fine. Don’t worry.” In spite of his words, he sat up and turned away from me. He wasn’t fine at all, but I didn’t know what to do. He was like sand, just slipping through my fingers.
“Okay…” I sighed.
“I should go,” Zac said. “Before you get in anymore trouble.”
“If… if that’s what you want…” I replied. Was it really what he wanted? Was it what I wanted? I had so many questions, and no answers.
“Just forget it,” he said, standing up and beginning to gather up his clothes.
I could do nothing but watch him, but after a moment, I couldn’t even bear to do that. A part of my brain was screaming at me that I was fucking this up horribly. The other part of my brain was still a muddled up mess of adrenaline and endorphin. It was all too much for me, and I could feel my frayed edges breaking. I rolled over so that Zac wouldn’t see, and so that I wouldn’t have to watch him leave.
“Almost wish I never saw that stupid necklace…” He said softly, so softly that I could almost convince myself that wasn’t what he had said. But it was.
“If you’re gonna go,” I said, a few tears welling up in my eyes. The last few threads of my sanity had broken. “Just go. Please.”
“Fine.”
Seconds later, I heard the door slam. If there had been a chance to fix this clusterfuck, it was gone. Just how things had gone so badly, I didn’t know, but I was sure I was to blame. Once again, I had tried to do something selfless, to help my brother fulfill his desires, and I had fucked everything up.