Sep. 29, 2013, Tour bus in en route to Seattle, WA.
Zac
Sometimes, I really didn’t understand Tay. One minute he would act like he was all about the family man persona he’s built up, and the next he was spending the night with Scott Moffatt. It was almost like when he met Alex, but I prayed it wasn’t that similar a situation. All I knew was ever since he’d met Scott, something had been different. And even though I couldn’t put my finger on what it was exactly, that difference had been even more obvious today. I walked into the back room of the bus, intent on asking him about it, even though I probably didn’t want to know the answer.
”Hey Tay, do you-” I stopped and looked at him; something was different. It wasn’t anything obvious, but I’d stared at him enough over the years to pick up on even the slightest change. My eyes fell on his neck, and I spotted it – a new choker. “Really Tay, you don’t have enough necklaces already?”
”So what?” he replied, a little too defensively, and reached up to touch it. “I can’t get a new necklace?” It looked like a lock of some kind, from what I could see between his fingers.
”Nothing wrong with it,” I said, shrugging. “Can I see?” Without waiting for an answer I took a step closer and snatched it from him, inspecting closer; as I thought, it was a small padlock on a thick chain, like the kind they use for dog collars. “Just make sure you don’t lose the key.”
”Y-yeah… right…” Taylor laughed nervously, and I stared at him. There was no way he was that careless, was there?
”You didn’t,” I challenged him.
”No?” If there was one thing my brother sucked at, it was looking innocent. I laughed, sitting back in my seat.”
”You’ve had it, what? Six hours? Oh man, wait ‘til Ike hears this…”
”Don’t tell Ike,” Tay said suddenly, his eyes shooting open wide.
”Oh come on. It’s not the dumbest thing you’ve done. This weekend,” I added under my breath. Tay was acting like he was hiding something, but what could be so bad about a necklace? Sure, it was a kind of a weird design choice, but…
”I didn’t lose the key,” he said after a few seconds, looking down. “I never had it,” he muttered. That got my attention real quick.
”Say what?”
”Just forget it, okay? It’s just a necklace.”
”Where’d you say you got this again?” I eyed him; I had a pretty good idea where he’d gotten it, and I hoped like hell I was wrong. But Zac Hanson is not a lucky guy.
”I… didn’t.” And with that, he told me exactly where he got it. I sighed, running a hand roughly through my hair. I was starting to get a headache…
”Uh huh… friendship bracelets too subtle?”
”What does it matter? I know you don’t like him, but can you just… not do this?”
”Not do what? I’m not doing anything, Tay. You’re the one who disappeared with him, spent the night with him, and now you come back with a freakin’ lock around your neck that, I’m assuming, he has the key to? The hell is that all about?” I realized my voice had risen to almost shouting level, and I took another breath. He looked around the room, basically anywhere but at me.
”You wouldn’t get it, okay? So just… please, stop asking questions.”
”Not ‘get it’? What’s that supposed to mean?” Again, I had a theory, and again, I hoped it wasn’t the right one.
”What do you think a lock like this is all about?” Tay snapped, finally looking at me.
”That he thinks he owns you or something?” I scoffed. I was seriously starting to regret coming back here. The feeling didn’t get any better when Tay didn’t correct me, but sat there biting his lip. “Taylor.”
”What.”
”Okay,” I said slowly, letting out a breath. “So explain it.”
”It’s… it’s pretty much exactly what you just said,” he answered, running a hand through his hair. “He doesn’t just think he owns me.”
”The fuck?”
”Which part of that do you not understand?”
I sat back, my mind reeling. So Scott owned Taylor? The phrase wasn’t entirely unfamiliar, but it was something I’d never had the courage to investigate. I watched Tay as he curled up, hugging his legs to his chest and looking so much younger. As strong of a front as he put up for everyone else, I knew he was a lot more vulnerable than he wanted anyone to know. And right then, it showed.
”I’m clearly going to have to start with the basics here. Are you… familiar with BDSM at all?”
That term was not exactly unfamiliar, but I really didn’t need my brother to know that. I blinked, trying to look naive, and the way my cheeks were starting to heat up, I didn’t think it’d be that hard. ”Like… that leather and whips stuff?”
”Yeah,” Tay said, rolling his eyes for some reason. “That can be a part of it. It hasn’t been yet, but…”
”Yet?”
”We’ve just… started.” Tay shrugged, looking away again. “But I’m not opposed to that stuff.”
My mouth hung open; the few times I’d looked around online had been brief, but long enough to conjure all sorts of images. And the thought of Taylor doing the things I’d seen brought on other images, ones I really didn’t want to think about.
”It’s about… a lot more than that, though. There’s an emotional, psychological side to it. Some people need to be in control, and some people need to not be in control.”
”O…kay…” I swallowed hard and stared at my hands. It was obvious which one of those Taylor was, and I guessed that put Scott in the other position. I took a shaky breath, wishing even more that I’d just stuck to my video games.
”You know, you asked. I didn’t want to try to explain this to you.”
”I know,” I sighed. “It’s just… weird. Finding out you’re into… that.”
”Yeah, well, there’s a reason why I never mentioned it before. Not the kind of thing that usually comes up in a conversation with your brother.”
”Yeah… I guess not.” I looked away, understanding at least my own reasons for being uncomfortable. Talking about it was one thing, but with as vivid an imagination as I had…
”Can we just… pretend we never had this conversation?”
”Why?” I asked, raising an eyebrow. I knew why I was embarrassed, and logically I knew why he was, too, but for some reason I didn’t want the conversation to end just yet. “So you’re into some kinky stuff, so what?”
”You’re not… I mean, you seemed really freaked out.”
”Well…” I hesitated, running a hand through my hair. I didn’t want to give away too much, but maybe I was acting a little too comfortable with the subject. “I’m not saying I’m not. But you tell me someone ‘owns’ my brother… I wanna know what that means.”
”It means he’s my Dom, Zac. And I’m his sub. And if I have to explain what that means, too…”
”Well hell, I don’t know,” I snapped. I hadn’t meant that in the literal sense, but apparently Tay thought I was just that thick. “I mean he’s obviously not with us on tour, so how the hell does him ’owning’ you work when he’s not even here?”
”There are… rules…”
”Okay.”
”And I mean, like any… relationship… I have to call and check in. And if I break the rules, then… I get punished,” he finished softly.
”Punished,” I echoed. The word sent a strange twinge through my body; but at the same time, the other key word in Tay’s answer gave a different, less pleasant feeling. Relationship. I pushed that particular response as deep down as I could, but I still felt it rumbling in my gut. I didn’t like it.
”We haven’t discussed the specifics about that, but… you know, what you said about whips? Probably something like that.”
”And you… like that?” I asked quietly. Even though the conversation hadn’t been anything close to innocent from the start, I still felt like it was shifting somehow, turning down an even more dangerous path.
”Y-yeah,” Tay said, his cheeks turning about as pink as mine felt.
”You like… pain?”
”I do.”
”Why?” All the things Taylor had said, and all the things I’d looked for on my own, were all adding up to a very confusing mess in my head. My brother shrugged, and I waited eagerly for his explanation.
”Some people do. It’s a… it’s a chemical thing. When you’re in pain, your body releases endorphins. Like a natural pain reliever. So it’s pain, but… it feels good.”
”But… it’s pain. You’re not supposed to… to like it,” I finished, swallowing hard. I stared at the floor; if I didn’t look at Tay maybe I could pretend he couldn’t see me, either.
”It’s the same way that some people are adrenaline junkies, though. Not the same chemicals, but… the same principle. It just feels good.”
”I guess that makes sense, sorta.” I shrugged; it did make sense, but that didn’t make me feel any better about it. “But I mean, you’re not supposed to… you know, like it. Like…” I cleared my throat, praying he knew what I meant so I could just stop talking.
”Yeah well, there are a lot of things that feel good that you’re not supposed to do.”
I glanced up, and he was actually smirking. Nice to know my discomfort amused him. The tone in his voice was just this side of flirtatious, and I felt myself blushing even more. Not that I thought he would ever flirt with me; my brother was pretty depraved, but I didn’t think he was that twisted. And you’d have to be pretty sick to flirt with your brother…
”Zac?” He was eyeing me, and for the umpteenth time, I wished I’d stayed up front, blissfully ignorant.
”Yeah?”
”Have you ever… done anything like that? I mean, you’re obviously not totally unfamiliar with BDSM…”
”Yeah, right,” I scoffed, rubbing the back of my neck and looking down. I was a pretty good liar under the right circumstances, but these didn’t even come close to qualifying. “Have you met my wife?” It didn’t answer his question at all, but in a way it did; it was no secret Kate was one of the biggest prudes any of us had ever met. If Tay took what I said as an answer, that was his assumption to make.
”Okay, fair enough. Guess her and Nat are different in a couple ways…”
I looked up, genuinely surprised; I always figured Nat was just as bad as Kate. But apparently not. Taylor cleared his throat, probably regretting that unnecessary admission.
”Anyway, um… I mean, so you’ve never done anything like that? It’s just hard to explain to someone who’s never…”
”No, I’ve never done anything like that,” I groaned, catching the unintentional emphasis around the same time Tay did. I could feel his eyes on me without even having to look.
”But you’ve… thought about it?”
”Maybe…” And maybe it was time for me to shut up before I got myself into more trouble.
”Hey, you made me talk about it. You don’t get to be embarrassed now.”
”You think this is easy?”
”You think this is easy for me?” He shot back, and even though I knew he was right, it didn’t stop me from getting pissed.
”Well maybe we should forget it then.” I didn’t think for a second that I could, but if saying it would let me escape the trap I’d set for myself, it was worth a shot.
”No, Zac… It’s just, this is awkward. For both of us. So you’ve thought about it; okay, no big deal.”
”Easy for you to say,” I sighed. “You’ve got your new fuck buddy to mess with.”
”And you’re sure that Kate won’t…?” Tay pouted at me, but I gave him a blank stare. “Okay, okay. Stupid question. But I mean… what do you think you’re into? Like, do you think you might be a masochist, or…?”
I raised an eyebrow at him. Despite the fact that I had, in fact, done some research on BDSM, I hadn’t dug deep enough to learn much of the lingo.
”It means you like pain, Zac.”
”Oh…” I looked down, blushing and feeling dumb for not knowing that. “Right. Well, sometimes when I’m… you know… alone… I like… scratch, or whatever…” I wasn’t used to tripping over my words like this, but then again, I’d never talked to Taylor about kinky sex before.
”Okay, umm… You mean when you’re… Oh, Zac…” He reached out and touched my arm; it wasn’t much, it it was surprisingly comforting. And at the same time, not. “There is no reason to be ashamed of that, okay?”
I glanced up at him, wanting to believe what he said. But I didn’t think there was any way the word ‘normal’ could ever apply to me.
”I mean it,” he said, giving my arm a squeeze. “So not everybody is into it, so what? You wanna be like everybody else?”
”A little late for that,” I snorted, smirking.
”Yeah, well, normal is just a setting on the dryer,” Tay laughed, mimicking my expression. We shared a laugh, but it was short-lived. “But I know it’s… it’s tough if you don’t have someone who will do… what you need.”
I nodded, sulking; Tay was all set, with his new… relationship… but what did I have?
”I’m not saying you should like, look to me as an example, and go find yourself someone else. This is good for me, but it’s not… simple.”
”So what do I do then?” I picked at a rough spot on my jeans; that was a question I’d been asking myself for a while now. “Scott’s got brothers, right?” It was meant as a joke, but the way Taylor coughed, I guessed he hadn’t picked up on that.
”Um, yeah… I don’t think that’s a good idea. You don’t really wanna do something like that with another guy anyway, right? I mean… you know.”
”What if I do?” I asked, a bit defensively. Part of not talking about sex with Taylor, was not talking about my sexual preference with him, either. He blinked, staring at me.
”Zac, out of all the people you know, I’m probably the last one who would have a problem with you being into guys. I just… didn’t think you were?”
”No experience to go off of, so I can’t really say.” I shrugged, looking down. “I’m not… not gay…” It was the closest I’d ever come to admitting it, but then like I’d said, I really didn’t have any proof one way or the other. Taylor nudged me, so I looked up; he was smirking in a teasing way.
”Well I’m not not gay either. So it’s whatever. And again, I’m still not suggesting that you find someone to experiment with or whatever, but…”
”But?” I highly doubted he had the solution to my problems, but I was willing to let him try for now. He shrugged; maybe he didn’t have the answers after all.
”But I know how tough it is to not… be in a relationship that gives you everything you need. So if you did do something like that, I wouldn’t judge you for it.”
”Not that you’re really in a place to judge,” I teased. There was that word again… relationship. Was that what he had with Scott? After just a few days? It didn’t make any sense, but what made even less sense was the nasty taste it left in my mouth. “How’s Nat?” It was a low blow, but if this… relationship… was going to make me feel like shit, I didn’t have to be the only one. Tay rolled his eyes and groaned.
”Nat’s fine. Blissfully ignorant, and I’d like to keep her that way, if you don’t mind.”
”Whatever, it’s your marriage.” I sighed; I didn’t really want to hurt him. It wasn’t really Tay I was mad at, after all.. “So… what do I do, then?”
”I don’t know, Zac,” Tay said quietly. “Hell, maybe it would be good for you to find… somebody else.”
”You mean, like… leave Kate?” I bit my lip; it wasn’t the first time it had been suggested, but never by Taylor. He was the last person I would have expected it from, especially given his own marital situation.
”If… if that’s what you want to do. Cheating isn’t a great solution either, but… again, I’m not gonna judge you. I’d be a hypocrite to.”
”Even if I… decided to leave Kate… I wouldn’t know where to start looking for… that.”
”It has to be with someone you trust. That’s not an option, alright?” Taylor’s tone and expression were completely serious, almost unnervingly so.
”And you trust Scott?”
”I do,” Tay replied, nodding. “I know he’s… not the most pleasant person, but he’s not a bad guy. And whether it’s sexual or not, this is an intense sort of relationship. Trust is vital.”
”That makes sense. Don’t wanna get hurt for real.”
”Exactly. It’s pain, but it’s pleasure, too. And it can be really intense emotionally. You have to be careful.”
”So no Craigslist?” I joked, smirking. He chuckled softly, nodding.
”Yeah, I think that’s a big no.”
”I don’t know, Tay,” I sighed. “I mean, yeah it’s fine when I do it, but how do I know I’d want someone else to?”
”That’s why you gotta find somebody you can trust who can… give you a little taste of what it’s really like.”
”Someone I trust, huh?” I thought about it; who did I have that I could really trust with something like this? I didn’t have very many friends outside of the band, and none of them all that close; it’s hard to build a friendship with someone when you’re only home three months out of the year. Really, the only person I felt like I could really trust was…
”Yeah. Someone who knows what they’re doing, and who cares about you. Who doesn’t want to actually hurt you.
”Right. Should probably be someone who knows me really well…” It was an absurd thought. Completely ridiculous, and unrealistic, and twisted, and… and now I couldn’t stop thinking it.
”Absolutely.”
”Gotta be someone who knows how to be discreet, considering who I am.” The rational side of my brain was getting anxious, spouting off the hundreds of reasons why the idea I didn’t want to admit having was a horrible one. But apparently my mouth didn’t get the memo.
”That goes along with the trust thing,” Taylor agreed, nodding. I looked at him with my best puppy eyes; it was a well-practiced move that he’d only successfully resisted a handful of times in the past couple decades.
”Know anyone like that?” I said with a smirk; I wanted to play it off, so he could ignore the hint if he wanted to. Who knew; maybe he actually would think of someone.
”I… No, no I don’t think I do. I mean, I can’t… pick someone for you.”
”You sure?” I asked, nudging his knee with mine. “No one comes to mind?”
”Zac,” he said quietly, looking down at our legs. “Y-you’ll find somebody.”
I sighed, slumping down. I was stupid for even thinking of it; who in their right mind would agree to something like that? Who in their right mind would even come up with it? I felt like an idiot.
”Yeah, right. Maybe I should just forget it.”
”You will, Zac.” He reached out to touch my arm again, and I resisted the urge to pull away. “I just wish I could… do something. I don’t want you to feel like this. It sucks, I know.”
Against all judgement, better and otherwise, I looked up at him again. I turned the sadface to maximum pathetic levels, biting my lip and tilting my head; it wasn’t often I had to go this far to get what I wanted, but then again, what I wanted wasn’t usually this… wrong.
”Zac, you’re not… you don’t want…” I could see the gears turning as Tay started to understand.
The way he looked at me made me blush, but I couldn’t resist giving it one last effort, hanging my head and looking up at him through my lashes. His eyes widened, but… not in disgust. Shock, of course, but not aversion. maybe I was even better than I’d thought.
”That’s not… I mean… I know it doesn’t have to be sexual, but…” He sighed heavily, and I knew he was cracking. All it would take was one more nudge.
”Please, Tay,” I whispered.
”Do you really get what you’re asking me for?” Tay asked softly. I thought about it; I hadn’t really considered specifics, but I knew that was only half of what he was saying. Stubbornly, I decided to ignore the implied question and answer the literal one.
”Just… I don’t know, something? You’re the one that knows about this stuff. How do I know what I want if I’ve never tried anything?”
”I know, I know, I just mean…” He paused, sighing. “Like, you get that this is a big deal, right? If I… do this for you?” So much for implied…
”Does it have to be a big deal?”
”Yeah, it kinda does. But if you’re sure it’s what you want… then I’ll do it.”
”Yeah?” I let myself smile; despite all my poking and prodding, I hadn’t held much hope of him giving in. Not to this.
”Yeah,” he said, nodding and swallowing hard. “I’ll do it.”
”Okay… thank you. Really.” I highly doubted he had any idea what this really meant to me, and I was perfectly fine with that. But the fact that he was willing to do this for me, to give me what I needed in spite of what it could mean…
”Okay. What, um… Do you have any idea what you would want me to do?”
”Well… like I said, I’ve tried scratching. Like, my… legs.”
”Mhm. Okay, so scratching. Scratching is good. Maybe, on your back?”
”Yeah, we can try that. Should I take my shirt off?” I seriously hoped I didn’t sound too eager, but my pulse was already racing just thinking about what was about to happen.
”Y-yeah, that’ll help.” At least Tay seemed just as nervous as I felt. His reasons were probably way different, but it was still comforting.
”Okay.” I pulled my t-shirt off and set it aside; I could feel my cheeks burning as I looked at him. I really didn’t like showing off my body very often, thanks to the constant pudge I sported. I’d tried diet, exercise, even fasting, but I just couldn’t seem to get rid of it. But a little exposure was to be expected in certain circumstances.
”So… now what?”
”Can you, um, turn around?” If anything, Tay almost seemed more nervous than me, but I didn’t know how that could be possible. I nodded and turned around looking over my shoulder at him.
”How’s this?” I was going for flirty, but the way my voice shook, I had a feeling it didn’t really come off that way. Tay didn’t say anything at first, just nodded and lightly touched my shoulder.
”That’s good. Just… tell me if you want me to stop, okay?”
I nodded, closing my eyes and flexing my shoulders. I wasn’t trying to show off, honestly; even if I did know I was built more than him in certain areas. I heard him take a shaky breath, and felt him run his hands gently across my back; I tried to suppress the shiver, but before I could really react he dug his nails in, dragging them over my skin. I sucked in a breath, squeezing my eyes shut. This was so different than how I’d imagined, but in the best possible way.
He did it again, and I clenched my fists and leaned my head back. I closed my eyes and bit my lip, mostly to keep silent. This was already surpassing anything I’d expected, and he’d barely started.
”Is… is that okay?” His voice was gentle and concerned, but I thought I heard a tinge of the same excitement I felt. But that was impossible, I realized; I was probably just projecting my own emotions, letting them cloud my senses.
”Mhm,” I mumbled, still biting my lip.
”Okay…” He dug his nails in harder, raking them down my back; I clamped my mouth shut, but it wasn’t enough to muffle the moan. I arched my back, my hips rocking involuntarily. When he did it again, I moaned even louder. My eyes shot open, trained on the ceiling, and I gripped my thighs tight enough to make my knuckles go white. This was getting dangerous, but there was no way in hell I wanted it to stop.
”Fuck,” I sighed before I could stop myself at the next scratch. I started to reach my hand between my legs, desperate for contact, but stopped myself. The last thing I wanted was to risk doing anything that might scare Tay off, and I was pretty sure jacking off was at the top of the list.
Tay used both hands the next time. I gripped the couch until it hurt; I could see myself shaking, but I was too far gone to care how pathetic I looked. I felt Tay ghosting his fingers over where he’d scratched, and it made me shiver even harder.
”I think… I think that’s probably enough f-for now…” The feel of him brushing his fingertips over my burning skin made me whimper and lean into the touch.
”I’m f-fine… You don’t have to stop.” I hated how weak I sounded. I hated how weak I was. But not enough to want this to ever end. Especially when Tay started gently rubbing my shoulders.
”I know, it’s just… I don’t wanna leave too many marks on you.” He laughed softly, and I thought I heard reluctance in his tone, but again I wasn’t sure if it was his, or my own.
”I’m okay, really.” I looked back at him, biting my lip. I didn’t care how horny I looked, and I was sure I looked pretty damn horny. I needed this. He shook his head, but still ran his nails down my back anyway. My eyes fluttered shut, and I tried to turn the moan into a sigh, but it came out somewhere in between.
”There. That’s all you get out of me tonight.” He stuck his tongue out teasingly, but the only thing I got from his remark was one word. Tonight.
”Don’t stick it out unless you’re gonna use it.” I threw him a teasing smirk. He’d said that was all I was getting… tonight. The implication being that there was a chance of this happening again. Tay rolled his eyes, kneading my lower back, and all previous thoughts were temporarily erased.
”Seriously, though… Do you think, um, it’s something you’re really into, then?” The way he was working his hands made it hard to think, but I managed to nod.
”Yeah, I think it’s safe to say I’m into it,” I said finally with a nervous chuckle. He had no idea just how into it I was.
”I’m… glad I could help you figure that out, I guess.” His hand was still on my back, rubbing gently; maybe he wasn’t quite ready for it to end, either.
”Thanks. Really.”
”You’re welcome,” he sighed, surprising me by leaning his head against my shoulder. His breath tickled, but not in a way that made me want to laugh. I smiled, leaning my head against his. I was definitely glad I’d left my video games for this.