Nov. 1, 2013. Hotel Le Crystal, Montreal, QB.
Zac
If there’s one thing my brothers should know about me, it’s that the more you try to keep something from me, the more I’m gonna want it. So of course it wasn’t long before I went searching for my toy. Not because I really wanted it; more because I wasn’t supposed to have it. I was rustling through Tay’s suitcase, positive I’d find it there, when instead I found… something else. Something even better.
I stared at the small black paddle. I ran my fingers over the leather-covered studs, the material soft and a little cold. I shivered and I closed my eyes, imagining how it would feel. I felt myself getting hard just thinking about it. This was a new level for us, and as physically exciting as it was, it made me smile for a different reason, too. If Tay felt comfortable stepping things up between us, it had to mean he was feeling more comfortable about our… relationship? It felt strange calling it that, but it seemed to me like the most appropriate label. And if he could juggle two relationships, why not three?
I considered my options, weighed the pros and cons of telling him I’d found it. He’d be mad at me for sure, both for looking for my toy and for going through his stuff. But that would just mean punishment, the perfect time to break in my find. But then again, if he was too mad at me, he might deny me, making me wait longer, or maybe even taking it away altogether. It wasn’t worth the risk, I decided, so I tucked it back where I’d found it. Besides, I wanted to see how Tay would bring it up, how he would set the mood. I could wait.
I ended up waiting a lot longer than I’d hoped.
A few days went by, and Tay barely threw me a second glance. It was almost like he was ignoring me, but that didn’t make sense. Was he just trying to build up the suspense? Or was he having second thoughts? I seriously hoped not, not after all the progress we’d made. I tried to be patient, but all I could think about was him bending me over in our hotel room or maybe even backstage, and tanning my hide. It was almost startling how much the thought consumed me, but I didn’t care.
It was pure torture. I couldn’t stand it. Finally, I came to a decision. If he wasn’t going to make the first move, then maybe I just needed to earn it. Can’t punish someone if they haven’t done anything wrong, right? So when we got to the hotel after our next show, I insisted on hanging out in his room, doing everything I could to push his buttons. He was being reluctant, but I was going to earn that punishment, damn it.
“Want some?” I said around a mouthful of Oreos, holding out the bag to him.
“…No.” He made a face, probably at the way I was spilling crumbs all over the blanket. I heard him sigh, and glanced over. He was glaring at me, but I gave him my most innocent smile. I wasn’t going to make this easy for him.
“What?”
“Nothing,” he sighed, shaking his head.
“Oh by the way, I used all the towels; you’ll have to call up for more.”
“The fuck did you need all the towels for?” he snapped.
“Well I was drawing a bath, but then my favorite episode came on, and I kinda got… distracted.”
“Oh for fuck’s sake, Zac…”
“Sorry?” I giggled, even though it was pretty obvious how not sorry I was. It was a total lie, but there had been times when I’d really done something similar in the past.
“Yeah,” he deadpanned, glaring at me. “I’m sure you are.”
I looked at him and sighed. This was getting me nowhere. I wanted him to play with me, not to actually get pissed off. I started to worry I’d picked the wrong way to go about this. Still, I couldn’t change tactics now without giving myself away.
“You’re out of pistachios, too,” I told him. “Thought it’d be only fair to let you know.”
“Oh, am I?” he asked, staring blankly at me.
“Yep.”
He sighed heavily and frowned at me. “What’s your problem lately, Zac?”
“Whatever do you mean, dear brother?”
“You know what I mean. You’re being even more of a little bitch than usual.”
“Am I?” I grinned at him, hoping he didn’t see through me. I didn’t want to give myself away just yet, even though I could feel it coming. “Gee… I didn’t mean to be.”
“Really?” He stared at me, but I just nodded. “I just don’t believe that.”
“Aw… Well I don’t know what to tell you, dear brother. Maybe you’ll just have to… beat the truth out of me?” I was pushing the line pretty damn far at this point, but I needed to get him to understand. He could be so dense sometimes, and I had a feeling this time it was intentional.
“You’d like that, wouldn’t you? And what’s with this ‘dear brother’ shit?”
I batted my eyes at him. “I can’t be sweet to my brother?” I scooted closer; this wasn’t working, so I decided to just go for it. At this point I was willing to live with whatever came of it, as long as something did. “Especially when he buys such nice things for me?”
His eyes widened with realization. “I… I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he stuttered, but it was painted all over his face that he was putting the pieces together.
“Have I told you lately how hot you are?” I asked, looking him up and down.
“No. No you have not.”
“Quite a… stud?” I tried to suppress the smirk, and the giggle as he stared me down.
“Zac. You went through my suitcase.” It wasn’t a question.
“Yes?”
“You went through my suitcase?” he repeated, his tone bordering on whining. I looked down, unable to wipe the grin from my lips.
“You should learn to hide stuff better.”
“You should learn not to go through other people’s shit!” he snapped. I stared at him, one eyebrow raised.
“How long have we been brothers?” I snapped back. After a drawn-out pause, he sighed heavily.
“Long enough that I should be used to you going through my shit,” he muttered. “I thought you grew out of that.”
“Keep dreaming,” I replied with a snort. He groaned and turned away from me, crossing his arms. I pouted as I stared at his back; this wasn’t how it was supposed to go.
“Tay…”
“What.” His clipped tone made me wince, and I started to think I really had gone too far.
“C’mon, don’t be like that. I mean, I was gonna see it eventually, right?”
“Well, actually… you weren’t supposed to see it.” He glanced back at me, turning his head only slightly.
“Aw, did I ruin the surprise? I’m sorry. I really am. I promise to act surprised,” I told him, but he shook his head, pouting at me.
“S’not the same. I was supposed to blindfold you and everything.”
I pouted, now really wishing I hadn’t ruined the surprise. It felt like accidentally finding your ‘From Santa’ presents as a kid.
“I’m sorry,” I said softly.
“It’s not your fault… Well, you shouldn’t have found it, but I should have just done it already.”
“You could do it now… I’ve done a pretty good job of earning it, right?”
“Yeah,” he sighed, “you have.”
“I probably shouldn’t be proud of that, huh?” I giggled, and he eyed me.
“Probably not.”
“Oh well.” I leaned closer to him, nuzzling his neck. “C’mon Tay… please?”
It was his turn to giggle then. “I don’t think it really works as a punishment if you’re begging for it.”
“Don’t care,” I said, nipping at his neck. “Pleeease?” Now that it seemed like I was in the clear, my mind was snapping back to more carnal thoughts.
“Zac,” he groaned, nudging me away, but I caught his earlobe between my teeth, making him yelp. He dug his nails into my side and I gasped, grinding my hips against him.
“Zac!” he said again, and I pulled away.
“Tay? Did I do something wrong?”
“No,” he sighed, but I wasn’t so sure.
“Then… why?” I thought for a moment, and then it hit me. I felt like an idiot for not realizing it sooner. “Is it because of Scott?”
“What about Scott?”
“I don’t know,” I said, looking away and shrugging. “Just… we were fine a few days ago.” It was the only thing I could think of, the only thing that could’ve come between us. Maybe I was an idiot, or kidding myself, but for a little while I’d actually started to believe what Tay and I had was on the same level. But of course it wasn’t; how could it ever be?
“If you changed your mind…” I said quietly, not wanting to finish that sentence.
“I didn’t… change my mind. It’s not… You’re not the problem, okay? It’s me.”
I looked at him, pouting again. “Tay… please?” I wasn’t even sure which I was begging for anymore, the physical connection, or the emotional one.
He sighed and frowned, but didn’t give me any more response than that. I curled up to his side, hoping I hadn’t ruined the night.
“I know I wasn’t supposed to see it, but now that I have, I can’t stop thinking about it. Please, Taylor…”
“How the hell am I gonna explain this to Scott,” he mumbled, but I heard it loud and clear.
I sighed heavily, pulling away. “Just forget it.”
“No, it’s… I mean, if I don’t, he’ll have to punish me.”
I tilted my head, not getting it. Why would Scott punish Tay for not punishing me? How would he even know about it?
“Th-the paddle was his idea for your punishment for… before. The whole ‘forgetting who was the Dom’ thing.”
“Oh.” I felt myself blushing as I remembered that night, but then the pieces clicked into place. It was Scott’s idea. Not Tay’s. It wasn’t the next step in our relationship; it was just a step in theirs.
I felt a sharp pain in my chest, and suddenly I didn’t want to play anymore. “Just forget it then.”
“Well that’s the problem. I can’t. ‘Cause he’s gonna ask if I did it…”
“So just tell him you did,” I said, shrugging. “Whatever.”
“Yeah, because I’m so good at lying.”
I looked at Tay through narrowed eyes. “So tell him the truth and get punished. You like it, so what do you care?” I was getting irritated with him really fast, even though I knew it wasn’t really him I was mad at. But everyone around me knew how short a fuse I had, and this had been one hell of an ignition.
“Yeah. Tell him the truth. That’s a great idea.”
“Whatever, Tay,” I snapped, my voice rising in volume. “Do whatever you want. I’m going back to my room.” I got up and headed for the door. I didn’t want Tay to see me like this, hurt and upset, especially not over him.
“Zac… please. I’m sorry?”
“For what?” I spun around and stared at him, fists clenched. I could feel heat behind my eyes, wet and angry, but I fought it back.
“For… for not being a better Dom… and just for getting you in the middle of… all this.”
“Yeah,” I said, glaring at him. “Me too.”
“Zac, please. I don’t know what to do to… to fix this.”
That was the big question, wasn’t it? Could our situation even be fixed? I realized with a sickening certainty that it probably couldn’t.
“Nothing,” I said, shaking my head. Just like that, all the anger, all the energy in general was sucked out of me. I felt so tired suddenly. “Just forget it, okay? We… we never should’ve started this.”
“Are you saying you want out?”
I sighed, looking away. I couldn’t let him see how hurt I was.
“Zac…” he said softly, and I felt something inside me break. I closed my eyes, afraid that if he saw them, he would see how much this was killing me.
“I don’t want out,” I said quietly. I took a deep breath, forcing myself to voice the truth I’d been ignoring this whole time. “I was never really in to begin with.”
“If it wasn’t what you really wanted… you should have told me. I never would have let it get… this far.”
“Did I say-” I cut myself off with a frustrated sigh. I didn’t need to worry about him seeing my pain; he was clueless, same as he’d always been. I should have known better. “Nevermind. Look, we’re still brothers, still friends, still partners. That’s all we should be, though, and you know it.”
I glanced at him, some tiny part of me hoping he’d protest, but he just nodded and let out a sigh. Somehow, that hurt even worse.
“Right,” I said, steeling myself. “No hard feelings then?”
“Yeah. Right.”
“I’ll see you later, Tay.”
“Later,” came his soft reply, but I was already halfway out the door.
I held it together all the way to my room, but as soon as the door clicked shut behind me I collapsed to the floor. I pulled my knees up to my chest and buried my head in my arms, hoping to muffle the sound of my sobs, violent and angry as they were. I was angry at him, at Scott, but mostly at myself. I was the sick one. I was the one who’d started us down this road to ruin. It was for the best, I told myself, over and over. For the best that we stopped now, while we had some slim chance of returning to some semblance of normalcy. For the best that things ended before my own twisted, fucked-up emotions ruined things between us for good. For the best.
Maybe if I repeated it enough times, I’d believe it.