Oct. 25, 2013. Epcot, Bay Lake, FL.
Taylor
I woke up with a wonderful warmth surrounding me, and without even opening my eyes, I smiled. I tried to curl up closer to that warmth, but as I inched across the bed, my arms remained empty. Finally, I blinked my eyes open and saw that I was all alone in the huge hotel bed; the warmth I had felt was just the morning sun streaming through the window.
Zac had left.
I wanted to be angry, but I couldn’t be. From the bedside table, my phone dinged to remind me of Natalie’s arrival at the airport. At least I hadn’t overslept and forgotten her. I had no doubt Zac had woken up and remembered her imminent arrival, and so I couldn’t fault him at all for beating a hasty retreat to his own room.
Although the bed was still tantalizingly warm, I forced myself to get up and shut off my phone’s alerts. Knowing I had no other choice, I padded to the bathroom and began the process of getting ready for the day. I had to be at least vaguely presentable for my wife and children’s’ arrival, and so a shower was in order.
It took a little effort to clean around that little piece of metal in my chest and dress myself without snagging it on the fabric of my shirt. For the first time since the high had worn off, I began to regret getting it.
What happened on tour never stayed on tour. Hadn’t I learned that lesson already? I was never the one who could manage a relationship at home and still do whatever I wanted with whomever I wanted on the road. Sure, I had tried once or twice, and it had always blown up in my face, on one memorable occasion culminating in the opening act leaving the tour early and Natalie temporarily moving back to Georgia.
How did I think I could juggle this? Not just one extramarital relationship, but two. And one of those with my own brother, who knew more of the awful truth about my marriage than I would have liked. He could see through me, though. Rarely could I hide the truth from him for long—hadn’t that been why this sordid affair between the two of us had started anyway?
Natalie, though… she usually chose to be blissfully oblivious. There were times when she tried to understand, tried to mold herself to be more like the people she knew I’d been unfaithful with. It was never really about them and what they could offer me that she couldn’t. Well, sometimes it was. There were certain obvious things she could never give me, but likewise there were things I couldn’t give her. Over the years, our fights had mellowed into resignation and acceptance; we couldn’t ever be truly happy together, but we could still have what was to all outside appearances a successful marriage.
Somehow, I didn’t think we could keep up appearances much longer. At least on my part, the cracks were starting to show.
A little less than an hour later, I was out the door, as presentable as I was going to get. Thankfully, Florida was still warm that time of year and I didn’t look strange wearing a loose, light button-up shirt that barely skimmed over my newly sensitive nipple. A baseball cap covered my still damp hair and made me feel slightly disguised; even though it had been years since getting recognized and mobbed in public was a genuine fear, the paranoia still lingered. As I stood in the airport, waiting for my wife and kids to round the corner, I knew I didn’t look all that great, but I was also confident in the knowledge that Natalie could never guess all the reasons why I was crumbling.
“Daddy!” A child’s voice cried out, and before I could locate the source of it, the tiny arms of my youngest son were wrapped around my legs.
Moments later, the rest of my family materialized in front of me—Ezra lost in his own world with large headphones on, River attempting to haul all their luggage on his own, Penny gingerly carrying just her oversized purse, and bringing up the rear, Natalie, our youngest daughter Willa strapped to her chest.
As I peeled Viggo off my legs and scooped him up into my arms, a pang of guilt went through my body, settling deep in the pit of my stomach. It didn’t matter that this wasn’t the happily ever after it was supposed to be. This was my family, and I was systematically, knowingly, destroying it from the inside out.
“Is everything okay?” Nat asked, her immediate concern for me only making me feel worse. “You look so tired.”
“I could say the same to you,” I replied, grabbing several pieces of their luggage and leading the way toward where our ride back to the hotel was waiting. “I don’t know how you manage traveling with them all on your own.”
She just shrugged. “You do what you gotta do. Are Diana and Nikki here yet?”
“I don’t think so,” I said as I handed the luggage off to our cab driver. “At least, I haven’t seen them. But I rolled out of bed and came straight here, so I haven’t seen anyone else this morning.”
“They should have gotten in an hour ago. I’ll have to go find them when we get to the hotel.” Nat looked thoughtful for a moment as she put the last bag into the back of the large van. “I should call Kate, too. See how she and the kids are holding up.”
There was something odd in her voice, a level of concern that didn’t seem quite right given what she had told me about the virus Zac and Kate’s kids had apparently picked up. I wasn’t sure how to ask the half-formed questions in my mind, though, so I settled for just helping her herd the kids into the van and enjoying the short, but noisy, ride back to our hotel.
The chaos level only increased when we arrived at the hotel and the kids realized just how close they were to the Magical Kingdom. My mom, youngest sister and sister-in-law had in fact arrived and were already in the lobby preparing to head over to the park. My kids immediately began begging to do the same, and I wasn’t going to say no, but I left the final decision up to Natalie.
“I suppose so,” she said, but she was smiling. Her expression turned a bit more serious when she looked back at me. “Are you coming with, or does duty call?”
I glanced at my phone to check the time. “Duty calls. I can head over with you all, but we have soundcheck in about thirty.”
Amazingly, we managed to get checked in, stow the luggage in the suite adjoining the room I’d stayed in the previous night and shepherd everyone over to the park just in time for soundcheck. If the goodbye I gave Natalie and the kids before making my way over to the practice space Epcot had set up for us was a little strained, no one pointed it out.
It wasn’t much of a soundcheck, because the park couldn’t spare a real theater for us to rehearse in, but it was better than nothing. The roadies were already nearly finished setting up our gear in the large banquet hall when I finally found my way there. Isaac was tuning his guitar, but he at least managed to raise his head and give me a nod when I walked in. Zac, on the other hand, seemed to be doing everything in his power not to notice I was in the room at all.
Something told me it was going to be a long day.
After an unusually quiet and unproductive soundcheck, we all went our separate ways to have lunch with our families before the first concert of the afternoon. I realized that left Zac on his own, since his wife and kids were back at home, and so I scurried after him as he practically sprinted out of the building.
“Zac, wait,” I said, grabbing his arm perhaps a bit more roughly than was necessary. Then again, maybe there was no such thing with him.
“What?” He asked, spinning around to glare at me.
“I just… I mean… well, did you want to get lunch with us? With me and Nat and the kids, I mean.”
His eyes narrowed. “Why would I want to do that?”
I stared at him for a moment and sputtered out a few not-quite-words. It occurred to me that I could order him to eat lunch with me. But should I? The look on his face, which was turning from a glare to something a bit more tortured, suggested that I probably shouldn’t. Why had I been stupid enough to think that would be a good idea? After everything I had learned about Zac’s feelings for me, why did I think he would want to be in the presence of my wife and so-called happy family? I wasn’t even sure I wanted to be there.
“Nevermind,” I finally said. “Just… do whatever you were gonna do. Maybe we can talk after the show.”
“Yeah, maybe.”
The way he said it told me that we wouldn’t. I wasn’t sure why I had even suggested it in the first place. What did we have to talk about right then? Nothing that I could think of—at least, nothing that would accomplish anything more than just putting us in a bad mood. A bad mood was the last thing we needed before a concert; it was a miracle this tour hadn’t suffered yet thanks to everything happening in our private lives.
In the end, I didn’t get a chance to talk to him until after the second concert of the evening. There was only a small break between the shows, hardly even time for anyone who wanted to leave the audience to give up their seats to anyone new. Natalie and the kids didn’t make it out of their reserved seats stage center, but I did manage to poke my head around the side of the stage and give them a wave. Without them by my side, there wasn’t much standing between me and Zac. No reason for us not to talk.
Okay, there were plenty of reasons. But larger than that was our need to talk, or at least my need to talk to him.
“Hey, Zac,” I said softly, startling him a bit as he fiddled with one of his drumsticks, twirling it mindlessly.
His other hand rubbed lightly at his tattoo, something that I was sure couldn’t be good for it while it was still so fresh. At least it gave me a fairly neutral conversation topic. “Is it still itching?”
“A little,” he said. “Is that why you wanted to talk? To check on how my tattoo is healing?”
“No,” I replied. “Well, yeah, I mean. Obviously I care. I’d help you take care of it if I could get away.”
“I bet you would.” There was something a little dark in his voice, but then he reached out and tweaked my newly pierced nipple. The smirk on his face said that whatever had put him in a sour mood was forgotten, at least for the moment.
“Cute,” I said, trying my best not to wince. It hurt, sure, but a wave of pleasure followed quickly on the heels of that pain. “Look, we’re okay, right?”
Zac blinked rapidly, his face a picture of pure innocence—a fairly convincing one, too. “Why wouldn’t we be?”
“I don’t know, I just… you know, with everything that’s happening…” I trailed off. I wasn’t sure where I was going with any of those scattered words anyway.
“Guilty conscience?” Zac asked softly, just a hint of judgment in his words.
“What?” I asked. “Well, I mean, yeah… having them all here is making me think. I’m not backing out of anything, it’s just—just thinking. That’s all.”
“Do too much of that and you’ll hurt yourself.” His sardonic smile hid any real emotions Zac was feeling, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to know them in the first place.
“Yeah,” I replied, my own lips twitching up into what felt like a smirk. “But you know I like the pain.”
Before Zac could respond to that, Bex walked by and called out how few minutes we had left until the next show was set to begin. Zac just slapped his hand across my chest as he walked past, his fingers grazing my nipple, and gave me a smile.
I had been the one to initiate that conversation, but I had no idea at all what to make of it.
The next several hours blurred together—one last concert, a late dinner with the entire family gathered together, and finally the struggle to get everyone back to the hotel in one piece. I didn’t feel like I could breathe again until we were back in the room. Natalie settled the older kids into the adjoining room, leaving the door between the two open, and I took a nice, long shower. It didn’t go very far toward washing away all of my sins, but it did soothe a few of my aching muscles.
“Tired?” Nat asked, glancing up from the book she was reading in bed as I walked back into the room wearing nothing but a clean pair of boxers. Her eyes widened until they were comically large, and I realized too late that nothing about the situation was funny. “What—tell me I’m seeing things.”
“Umm,” I stuttered out, then gave shrug and a dismissive smile. “Spur of the moment decision? You liked my earring, didn’t you?”
“We were teenagers then,” she replied. Blushing a little, she added, “And I probably would have said I loved it if you… I don’t know, shaved your head. Dyed your hair pink. You really think I would have criticized anything about you then?”
It was a revealing, personal admission, and it only made me feel worse. But I couldn’t be honest with her. Instead, I fell back on a weak attempt at a joke. “Maybe I’ll shave my head now and see what you think.”
“Is this an early midlife crisis?” She asked, somewhat teasingly, but her furrowed brows said she was genuinely worried, too.
“No,” I replied, finally climbing into the bed. “I don’t know. Maybe. Guess I just wanted to try something new or different or whatever.”
Natalie sat her book down on the bedside table and gave me a small smile. “Run those ideas by me next time so I can tell you how stupid they are, hmm?”
“That’s what wives are for, right?” I asked, grinning. “Telling husbands when they’re being stupid?”
“I suppose so,” she replied, but then giggled. To my surprise, she reached out and flicked the small ring, not unlike Zac had done earlier. The comparison made me feel a little sick to my stomach. “I guess you could have done worse things to your body.”
I probably have, I thought, but had the sense not to say. At least the whip marks from Scott’s last visit hadn’t lingered; he was practiced enough to know how to hurt without injuring. There was no way I could explain marks like that, nor could I explain the padlock that suddenly felt like it was burning a hole in my neck. At least it was tangled in with the rest of my necklaces so that she’d have to be looking for it to find it.
And after a decade of marriage, we had both learned there were some questions we just didn’t want to ask.
Natalie was just scratching the surface of all the bad things I had done during this tour; if she ventured much further, I was confident she would have the sense to realize it was time to stop. She was smart enough to instinctively know when I had been bad, but she was also smart enough to know when she just didn’t want to know the truth.
It wasn’t an ideal way to make a marriage work, but it was ours.
“Mmm,” she said softly, her hand venturing away from the nipple ring and tangling into my chest hair. “Well, this is fun… but I need to get these contacts out and get some sleep. It’s been a long day for all of us.”
She glanced over at our daughter in the hotel provided crib, already fast asleep. Whatever ideas my new piercing were inspiring in her, they probably weren’t appropriate to act out with a baby in the room. That was a relief, at least. While there would be other opportunities over the next few days together, I really couldn’t stomach the thought of playing my husbandly role that much right then. Zac was right. I was suffering from a major case of guilty conscience, and my nearly perfect wife was making it that much worse.
“I’ll be back in a minute, hmm?” Nat said, pushing back the covers and standing up.
She walked to the bathroom to start her nightly routine, leaving the bathroom door open as she tied her hair back and began pulling creams, soaps and contact holders out of her bag. I sighed and glanced around the room. It occurred to me that I hadn’t called or texted Scott. Natalie kicked the bathroom door shut, and I saw my opportunity.
My guilty conscience roared to life again and I tried my best to swallow it down, ignore it. I reached for my phone and scrolled through the recent texts until I saw Scott’s name.
Hey, baby. Long day here at the happiest place on earth. I would be happier if you were here, though.
You’re such a dork. Everything ok?
Couldn’t be better. About to go to sleep. But you know I had to check in and I thought you’d wanna see…
I flipped over to the camera and took a quick selfie. It wasn’t my best angle, and the bags under my eyes were so big that no filter could hide them. But what mattered was that the nipple ring was clearly visible. I sent the picture off to Scott, then waited for his reply.
Wanna see what??
Oh. Hello there. Lookin good, babe.
Thank you 🙂
Get some sleep. I know you need it. Love ya.
Love you, too.
I closed the texts, then on a second thought put the phone on silent and flipped it onto the screen before setting it back down on the bedside table and plugging it into the charger. Not going through each others’ phones was an unspoken rule in my marriage, but I still didn’t want to take any chances. If Natalie started to get truly suspicious, I didn’t want to think about what she was capable of, especially if she teamed up with Zac’s currently absent wife and her persistent jealousy and criticism… even though Zac actually was the perfect husband, unlike myself.
A moment later, Nat walked back into the room, her hair still in a ponytail and her face a little flushed and free of makeup. “You should be asleep already. You’ve got that interview tomorrow morning, don’t you?”
“I guess so,” I said softly, ashamed that she remembered my schedule better than I did, and ashamed that she’d said virtually the same thing Scott had said. “You know me. I’ll load up on caffeine and I’ll be fine.”
“You shouldn’t do that to yourself,” my wife said as she settled into the bed and pulled the covers over us.
“Yeah, I know,” I replied softly. There were so many things I shouldn’t do to myself; living on coffee was fairly low down on the list.
“Are you alright?” She asked, snuggling up close to me.
“Yeah,” I lied. “It’s just been a long tour so far. And we’ve still got nearly a month before we get a real break…”
“Don’t think about how long until the break,” she said, resting her head on my shoulder. “Just think about how good it will be to go home, get away from all of this for a while.”
“Yeah,” I croaked out. “Goodnight, Nat.”
“Goodnight, Tay.”
If only she had any clue. Maybe she knew more than she let on, though. She couldn’t know exactly how this tour had treated me so far, but I wore my emotions loudly. She knew something was up, something that I didn’t think going home for our short Thanksgiving break could fix.