Oct. 21, 2013. Hilton Suites, Pontiac, MI.
Taylor
It was a huge risk to walk down the hotel hallway holding Scott’s hand, but I found that I really didn’t care right then. After everything we had just done, even if he had orchestrated nearly all of it, I just needed to be near him.
We didn’t let go of each other until we were safely inside my room, just a few doors down from Zac’s. Quietly, but not awkwardly, we undressed and climbed into bed. I curled myself around Scott, unwilling to be even a few inches away from him. He wrapped an arm protectively around me and I sighed happily.
“Have I mentioned how good you are to me?” I asked.
He smiled. “Yeah, but you can always tell me again.”
“Seriously, though,” I replied, trying and failing to stifle my giggles. He could be conceited, but I was starting to find it cute.
“Yeah?” He asked, and there was a hint of surprise there, as though he didn’t truly believe what I said. That conceitedness… it was at least partially an act. I was starting to see that, too.
“Yeah,” I replied. “Seriously. I mean, how many guys would be okay with… with… you know.”
I watched Scott’s smile fall a bit. It was almost imperceptible, but I knew him well enough by this point to see the difference. “Yeah… well, I can’t say I’m in love with the idea. But… I can see how happy he makes you.”
“I didn’t expect you to love it, but I thought…” I trailed off. Even thinking it made my heart ache and my throat clench.
“What?” Scott asked softly.
“I thought you’d… leave me. Or be really freaked out or something. I mean, you probably should be.”
He pulled me closer and rubbed my back soothingly. He gave a soft sigh and said, “I’m not leaving, Tay.”
“I know…” I said, sniffling in spite of myself. It was as much from relief than from any real sadness.
“Hey,” he said, nudging my face upward with a thumb under my chin. “None of that.”
“Okay…” I said, but another sniffle escaped anyway.
“Anyway, who am I to judge?” He asked, his smile finally returning.
“I guess,” I replied. When he looked down, not meeting my eyes anymore, I knew something was up. “Scott?”
“Hm?” He still didn’t look at me.
“It just kinda feels like you’re not telling me something?”
“Everyone’s got secrets.” He shrugged. “Anyway, it’s ancient history, so it’s not like it really matters.”
“Not even if I wanna know?” I asked. My curiosity aside, Scott was getting worse at hiding his feelings around me, and I could see that whatever he was thinking about wasn’t ancient history. It was something that had been locked up inside him for years and needed to be set free.
He eyed me skeptically, and I tried not to be hurt that he didn’t want to share whatever it was with me. If we were together… if this was really a relationship and not just a convenient arrangement for a Dom and sub… why wouldn’t he trust me with whatever his secret was?
“I mean… if you want to tell me…” I said as lightly and dismissively as I could manage. “It’s okay if you don’t.”
“No, it’s not…” He sighed. “It’s not that I don’t want to.”
He seemed to consider where to start for a moment, his eyes distant. I supposed he was experiencing whatever it was all over again, dredging up memories he’d pushed aside. I had been fairly open with him, since plenty of my history was public knowledge anyway, but I thought I understood how he felt and how reluctant it made him. Finally, he seemed to find a starting point, still not meeting my eyes as he spoke.
“Okay, well… growing up, me and my brothers… we were always pretty close. And you know how it is in families. There’s always a pecking order.”
I nodded slowly. I did understand that; being in a band with two of my brothers had altered the relationship between us, but we were still brothers. I just wasn’t sure what that had to do with what Scott was hiding from me, unless…
He gave a little snort. “How do you think I figured out I’m a Dom?”
I had almost hoped I was wrong, even though I was in no position to judge him. But the way he said it… it was so crass. I didn’t want my… thing… with Zac to be like that.
“It’s not like… It didn’t start like that,” he said, seeming to backpedal a bit, probably because of what I was sure was a shocked look on my face. “But we spent a lot of time together. And… we ‘bonded’.”
There was that crassness again. I didn’t like it.
“Some of us more than others,” Scott added, smirking. Sensing my confusion, he added, “Well, you haven’t followed ‘em, so you wouldn’t know, but the twins? Clint and Bob? Inseparable.”
Not knowing what else to say, unable to process everything else he had said, I replied, “I think one of them came to a concert a few years ago. Didn’t meet him, though.”
“That was Bob,” Scott said, nodding. “He was a little–how should I put this–bitter. Nothing against you personally, just the fact that you stuck together for so long.”
“Well, it hasn’t been easy,” I replied, trying not to be too offended. Scott and his brothers’ misconceptions about my supposedly perfect life were so unimportant right then.
“I know, baby,” Scott said, finally looking at me, a sincere look on his face.
“So… the twins…?” I asked, unable to avoid the elephant in the room any longer.
He nodded. “But back in the day, we all had our fun.”
And there it was. The sincerity was gone, replaced by the crassness that I expected from Scott. Under other circumstances, I would have wondered if that wasn’t a defense mechanism, but right then, I was too shocked to say or even think much of anything.
With a chuckle and a smile, Scott continued, “I remember some nights, we’d sneak a bottle of booze from the liquor cabinet and get shitfaced, and spend the whole night messing around.”
“Oh,” was the only response I could manage, and even that came out more like a squeak than a word.
“Taking turns with each other… sometimes sharing…” Scott continued, lowering his voice. I just squeaked again. Scott scooted closer to me, a hand on my thigh. “Now Dave… Dave loved to play the community bitch. Should’ve taken that as a sign, I guess. No straight guy I know loves being on his knees that much.”
I was trembling all over, unsure if Scott was trying to shock me or turn me on… or both. I didn’t know what to think of anything he had said. My confusion only grew when he gave another soft chuckle, then leaned in and kissed my neck gently.
“Good times,” he breathed out.
“And y-you… you said I was a twisted little fuck?”
“Takes one to know one.” Scott smirked.
“Apparently,” I mumbled.
Scott responded by nipping at my ear. I wasn’t sure if he was trying to distract me, if he thought I was turned on by his story or if he was turned on by it. Even if I had been turned on–and I might have been if he had shared it with me under any other circumstances or in any other way–I was too spent to do anything more.
I gave a little whimper, which caused Scott to pull back. Looking him in the eyes, I said, “Just for the record, I’m not fucking my other brothers.”
“Okay,” he said, chuckling. “Just the one, then?”
I nodded. “I think that’s enough for me.”
“Between him and me,” Scott corrected, and I nodded. “I’m glad you’re happy, Tay.”
I smiled, because in spite of any strange and shocking confessions Scott might have made, I was happy. “I am… happier than I’ve been in a long time.”
“Good,” he replied, stroking my hair lightly. “You deserve it.”
“And I’m… I’m sorry for making you jealous when I kissed Zac…” I knew that bringing that up might have ruined the moment, but it needed to be said.
“It’s okay, Taylor,” Scott replied, but the way he sighed told me that it wasn’t really.
“That was, umm…” I began, sheepishly, “the first time I’d kissed him.”
“Oh.” Scott’s eyes widened. “Shit. I’m sorry.”
I shook my head. I hadn’t meant to make him feel bad; I just thought he ought to know. “S’okay. I think I made up for it later.”
“Looked like it,” he replied, a genuine smile on his face.
I nuzzled Scott’s neck and sighed happily. Maybe everything was okay. Maybe this arrangement between the three of us would work. Maybe I could help Scott with his issues, too… somehow. With that thought in mind, I decided it was probably time to share some things with him… things that I hadn’t given much thought to until lately, things I’d tried to ignore when they were happening.
“You wanna know something?” I asked, eying Scott nervously. “About how I realized I’m a sub?”
“Sure, babe.”
“Well, Zac and I used to fight a lot. Never like… serious fights, but they would get pretty physical. And he got big and strong fast when we were teenagers.”
Scott nodded and smirked, and I wondered if he had figured out where I was going with this.
“And umm…” I felt myself blushing. “I kinda didn’t mind so much when he got strong enough to actually win the fights. So I’d start… like, picking fights with him.”
“Twisted. Little. Fuck.” Scott raised an eyebrow, as if he were daring me to debate what he said.
“It wasn’t like… sexual. I just wanted him to slap me around a little bit.”
“Do you hear yourself?” He asked, his eyebrow reaching new heights.
“Yeah.” I sighed.
“And you don’t think that sounds just a little twisted?”
“Well, he’s wanted me since he was thirteen, so…” I huffed out, then paused. “He probably didn’t want me to tell you that.”
Scott chuckled. “Your secret’s safe with me, babe.”
“I know…” I replied. “I never knew, though. Didn’t have a clue he felt that way.”
“Yeah…” Scott replied, a faraway look in his eyes, and I wondered if he was thinking about his own brothers again.
“I dunno… I dunno what I would have done if he’d told me before now.” I stopped to think about that and giggled. “Well, I probably woulda picked a fight with him.”
Scott snorted. “And lost on purpose?”
“Yes,” I deadpanned.
“Okay, so when did it become sexual?” He asked. “Like, when did you associated pain with sexual pleasure?”
That was a good question. I had never truly understood why I enjoyed fighting with Zac. I wasn’t the manliest guy in the world, but I knew it was normal for guys to fight, so I didn’t give it that much thought, at least not until it became clear that I liked losing those fights. When I realized pain could be sexual, though… that was a slightly different story, and one that I had told Scott already, though I had glossed over a lot of the details then.
I took a deep breath. “I guess… umm, I kinda started to get the idea that it was a sexual thing too when I was maybe seventeen or eighteen. But I didn’t know for sure until… umm, my first boyfriend.”
“Tell me about him.”
Scott
Tay sighed, and looked away; I could practically see his flimsy walls caving. I didn’t want to make him relive anything painful, but at the same time, I knew better than most how toxic some memories could be if bottled up.
“I met him… out in LA, when we were working on our third album.”
“Musician?” I asked, and he nodded. “What was his name?”
“Alex Greenwald. He was, um… a little older.”
“How much?” I asked with a smirk. I didn’t picture Tay going after the older guys, but he’d surprised me before.
“Well I was 18, and he was… 22,” Tay finished after thinking for a moment.
“That’s not that bad,” I shrugged, a little disappointed at his tame answer.
“Yeah, I guess not. It seemed like a big deal back then, though. And you know, also the fact that he was a he”, Tay added with a smirk that I copied. “I don’t even remember where we met… some party… and I kept seeing him everywhere. We’d go to shows together, and I went to a couple of his band’s shows.”
“Who’s his band?”
“Phantom Planet,” Tay sighed. The name sounded vaguely familiar, but not enough to put a face to the name. “Well, that was his band back then, anyway.”
“So what happened?”
“I didn’t really even realize what was happening at first, you know? Not until we were at this party after one of his shows, and he got me alone… Anyway, one thing lead to another, and we were… kinda dating, I guess. It was complicated.”
“Complicated how?” It sounded pretty simple to me. Pretty nice, actually; the way a relationship is supposed to start. It made me think about me and Tay for a moment, and it left me with a vaguely unpleasant feeling of guilt.
“Well, I had a girlfriend. Umm… or two.”
I blinked; once again, he’d surprised me. He definitely didn’t seem like the player type.
“The one was just… just a tour thing, I thought. We fooled around and I didn’t really realize how much she… felt. Not until we got together again to record some songs.”
“Yeah… been there.” I winced, remembering a similar situation I’d been in. To say it ended badly was a hell of an understatement.
“And the other one, well… I met her on tour, too. But she was more of a, um… groupie.”
“Whore,” I snorted, smirking.
“N-not really… she was kinda sweet and innocent, really.”
“I meant you,” I corrected, rolling my eyes. He pouted, but I knew I had him on this one. “Juggling three relationships at once?”
“Yeah, well,” he said dismissively, rolling his eyes back at me; I decided to let that one slide. “I did a great job of juggling them,” he went on with a sarcastic tone. “I mean, I tried to let Michelle down gently… Honestly, it was never… I thought it was just sex with her. And we parted ways again after we laid down a few tracks. We’re actually kinda friends now,” he added with a smile.
“Michelle? Like, Michelle Branch?” I asked, and Tay nodded. “So it is true then,” I chuckled. “Did she really write all those songs about you?”
“Yeah,” he sighed. “The whole album, actually.”
“Youch.”
“She even sent me a signed advance copy.”
“Double youch,” I laughed.
“But like I said, we’re friends. She’s married with a kid now.”
“Oh yeah? Well that’s good.”
“It didn’t end so well with Alex…” Taylor continued.
“Well I know the groupie got knocked up,” I interjected, and Tay nodded. “So how’d it go down?”
“You’ve been doing your research on me, huh?” Tay teased.
“A little,” I replied with a shrug; when we’d first started… dating? Being together? I hadn’t really thought about what to call it yet… But when we’d first started… whatever, I’d browsed the fan sites and gotten up to speed on all the gossip. Most of it was probably b.s., but apparently not all of it.
“Well um… Things were getting more serious with Alex, and basically all his friends knew we were together. We never really told them, but they knew. Natalie was back in Georgia, still in high school.”
“Jailbait?” my eyes went wide; so he definitely had more of a bad boy streak than he let on.
“She was about to graduate.”
“Was she eighteen?”
“When she got pregnant? Yes. Barely…” he added under his breath, but I heard it, and snorted. “Um, so she and I had kinda broken up… I mean, it had been on again, off again for a while. She didn’t like all my ‘California friends’,” he explained, complete with air quotes. “If she only knew…”
“Yeah,” I chuckled. I had a feeling Natalie would just love to meet me.
“And Alex was talking about, you know, going public. Telling everyone. It… kinda freaked me out. And then Nat was begging me to take her back so… so I flew out to see her, and the rest is history.”
I nodded sadly; I couldn’t even imagine how that must’ve felt, being pulled in two directions like that. My heart hurt for him, and part of me wished he’d never had to go through that; but I reminded myself that if he hadn’t, he wouldn’t be with me now.
“Anyway, um…” Tay went on, sniffling a bit. “So Alex kinda liked it rough. But not like… not like us. We just sorta played around. And obviously, I broke up with him after I… proposed to Natalie.”
“Baby,” I said softly.
“Yeah?” He looked up at me, his eyes wet, and I could see, hell I could feel the pain he was trying to hold back.
“You really loved him, huh?”
Tay sniffled again, then nodded. I pulled him close and rubbed his back; I felt a tiny twinge of jealousy, but it was shadowed by the need to protect him. I hadn’t felt that way in a long time, and it hurt, but in a good way… like a too-tight hug, painful and comforting all at once.
“D-don’t think he ever wrote any songs about me, though,” Tay said quietly. “Hell, I’ve only seen him a couple times since then. We sorta hooked up again when me and Nat were going through a… a rough patch…”
I sucked in a breath; hooking up with an ex worked out approximately zero percent of the time. “How’d that go?”
“Fantastic,” he spat. “Found out I was gonna be a dad again.”
“Babe,” I chuckled sadly.
“Alex dropped me like a rock that time,” he sighed; I held him a little tighter. “And I didn’t see him again until about two years ago.”
“And?”
“It was just at some festival we were both playing,” Tay shrugged. “We didn’t get a chance to really talk or anything. I mean,” he snorted, “we had time to fuck.”
“Glutton for punishment much?” I laughed, and Tay gave a sad smirk.
“You could say that. I was such an idiot though. Took a picture of us afterward and put it up on the website. I mean, we were fully dressed and everything, but still. That got the gossip flying.”
“Oh, baby,” I laughed. “It’s a good thing you’re cute.” It was probably wrong to tease him, but he’d honestly made some pretty dumb mistakes… not that I was one to judge. He scowled at me, and I gave him a soft kiss.
“I still don’t think Natalie really knows the truth about me and Alex, though. He’s just one of my ‘California friends.’ Code for ‘those people you used to do drugs with’.”
At that, my eyes shot open. Dumb relationship mistakes were one thing, but…
“I mean, um…” he stammered, glanced away.
“Taylor.”
“Y-yeah?”
“Explain. Now.”
“I… um…” His face paled as he started to answer, and I really hoped it wasn’t as bad as I was imagining. “What, didn’t any of your research include the part where I’m apparently a huge coke whore? I mean, I’m not,” he quickly added, but his words were already putting me on red alert. I sat up to stare at him.
“But,” he went on nervously. “Well, there may have, once upon a time, been a little truth to that rumor…”
I stared at him, feeling my blood boiling. He frowned, cowering a little, and he had good reason; I hadn’t been this upset when I’d thought he’d blown me off, either time. Of all the surprises he’d thrown my way, this was by far the one I’d expected, and wanted, least.
“The fuck, Tay?! You’re smarter than that,” I snapped angrily.
“I know, okay?” he sighed; I could almost hear an eye roll in there, but luckily for him he held it back.
“Do you still do it?”
“No,” he answered, his eyes going wide as if he was surprised by the question.
“When’s the last time?”
He hesitated, and I tightened my fists; I almost didn’t want to know, because the answer might’ve been enough to make me get up and walk away. That was the last thing I wanted to do, but even a washed-up dead-beat like me had standards.
“2006,” he finally replied, and I let out a relieved breath. I still hated the idea of him doing it at all, but at least he’d been clean for a while.
“You’re not going anywhere near that shit, ever again. You got me? That’s a deal-breaker.”
He nodded, trembling a bit; I ran a hand through my hair, trying to calm my nerves. On the one hand, I hated making him react that way… outside of scenes, at least. But this time I felt completely justified.
The one time I’d ever tried it, it had ended almost as badly as it possibly could have. The guy I’d done it with… Well, for him, it had just… ended. Everything.
“That was it, right?” I asked.
“Well, I mean, I’ve smoked pot. It’s not like, a regular thing.”
“That’s no big deal; I’ve smoked now and then too.”
“Pot’s more Zac’s thing than mine. But that’s it, just the weed… and the coke.”
“Yeah, well it’s just the weed from now on.”
“I know,” he replied, nodding. “After I had to deal with this whole deviated septum thing it kinda made me reconsider the other habit.”
“Kinda hard to snort blow when your nose is already fucked up, right?” I remarked with a sneer.
“Yeah, something like that. I mean, it was obvious that was why my nose was fucked up, so even after I got the surgery… what was the point of just doing the same thing that fucked it up in the first place?”
I nodded, settling back down and putting an arm around Tay. I pulled him closer, letting out a breath. I was mostly calmed down, but the whole conversation had me shaken up, and it had really put things into perspective. I’d been trying not to focus too much on me and Tay’s relationship… what to call it, what kind of future we might have. But now I was having a hell of time not thinking long-term.
“Don’t wanna lose you, baby,” I said softly.
“I know, I know,” he replied, cuddling up against me. “And it was never that bad, but I know it could have been. I was lucky I could just quit like that.”
“Damn right you are. You know what could’ve happened, right?” Again I thought about my… friend… and a chill ran down my spine.
“I know. I do. I’m not trying to just brush it off or anything.”
“Okay. Good.” I looked down at him, giving him a stare I hoped he understood. “I mean it. I don’t wanna lose you.”
He stared back up at me, surprised, almost in disbelief.
“This got really serious all of a sudden, didn’t it?” He asked quietly. “This… conversation, I mean,” he added, but we both know what he really meant.
“Is that a problem?” I shrugged.
“No, no it’s not… Guess I’m just used to you being all smirks and stuff. Or in Dom mode. Not… whatever this is.”
I looked down; I’d never been the best at showing how I feel. Hell, I wasn’t all that good at feeling. I’d never really thought of it as much of a problem; deep down, I knew it had been the cause of at least a few failed relationships, but I always found a way to lay the blame elsewhere. But with Taylor, I didn’t want to do that.
“I know… I don’t get emotional for just anyone. It’s been a long time since I’ve had someone worth getting emotional over.” I looked back up at Tay; he reached out, his hand trembling just a bit, and touched my cheek.
“And I’m not… trying to make light of that or anything. I guess it’s just a little overwhelming, how fast this has all happened. But it feels right.”
“It really does.” I smiled, leaning into his touch. “I don’t commit to someone unless I’m in it for the long haul. So I hope you understand what this,” I paused to tug on the lock that hung around Tay’s neck, “means for me.”
“I know,” he answered, nodding. “And I know I tend to jump into relationships quickly, but… this one is different. I know it is, and you know it is, and that’s all that matters.”
I smiled, leaning down to nip at his ear. My chest felt tight but in the best way. I could practically feel the words clawing their way out of me, and terrifying as it was, I wanted to say them. It was time.
“I love you, Taylor Hanson.” I hoped the teasing tone hid just how fucking scared I was, but as I looked at him, I had a feeling my eyes gave me a way. He let out an adorable whimper, his eyelashes fluttering a bit before he met my gaze.
“I… I love you, too, Scott Moffatt.”
Of all the amazing things I’d experienced in my life… playing sold-out shows, seeing the world, even the chemical high I’d been dumb enough to indulge in… all of that paled in comparison to the feeling that took over when I heard those words. Even hearing them from other people hadn’t left me feeling this euphoric. And that was a little terrifying, but that’s why I trusted it.
Love’s not supposed to be totally comfortable; if it doesn’t scare the hell out of you, it’s probably just a crush. And maybe this had started out as a crush… but that was past. I loved him; I was ridiculously, pathetically in love with Taylor Fucking Hanson. I grinned, kissing him gently. For the first time in longer than I could remember, I couldn’t think of a single thing in my life I would change.