Carrick
The day after Tay found out about Zac and me was a little tense. I knew we could trust Tay not to say anything, but Zac was on high alert. I knew he had his reasons, so I chose not to point out that everyone would find out eventually. As soon as we got to the hotel, though, he was able to relax. We actually had a really nice night together; we ordered room service, watched a movie, fooled around, restarted the movie… and then fell asleep together. It felt nice. It felt like couple’s stuff, the kind I hoped I could get used to. Truth be told, I was getting used to it, and it felt better than it ever had with any of my past relationships, male or female.
I woke up early the next morning. Zac was still snoring away, so I slipped out quietly; I figured I’d grab a bite at the hotel coffee shop, and bring him back a muffin or two. When I got down to the lobby I could see Tay sitting by the window, sipping a coffee. I had a feeling he’d have a few things to say to me, so I braced myself and headed over.
“Morning,” I said, sliding into the seat across from him.
“Oh hey, Carrick.”
“So, how’s the coffee here?”
“It’s okay,” he said with a shrug. “Can’t wait to be back home with my Keurig, though,” he added with a laugh. “So…” He gave me a look, and I could see the questions coming. “You and Zac, huh?”
“Yep. Big surprise, right?” I laughed, and Tay nodded.
“Yeah… So, I have to ask, how did that start?”
I took a deep breath, debating how much to tell him. I didn’t know if he knew about Zac’s divorce, but with the fact that he hadn’t brought up the soon-to-be-ex, I assumed he probably did. “To be honest? First day of the tour.”
“Oh.” His eyes went wide, and his head tilted. “So, it was what it looked like, then?”
“Umm… no, that was just us roughhousing. But that’s kinda what kicked it off, I guess. Long story short, we, umm… well, we were smoking, and one thing led to another…” I chuckled and ran a hand through my hair as I remembered the game of chicken we’d played.
“And then what happened?” Tay leaned forward in his seat, looking surprisingly… interested. I shrugged; he didn’t need to know the messy details of how we’d gone back and forth before coming to a decision.
“Well, the next day we talked about it and decided we’d both wanted this for a while. And now, there’s nothing stopping us from seeing where it goes.”
“That’s… really sweet, actually.” Taylor smiled, taking another sip of his coffee. “I’m really glad you’re okay with the arrangement. Zac seems really happy.”
“Yeah, well, it’s not perfect. And it’s tough sometimes, being patient. But I really think it’s worth it. I was worried at first, but… Well, you know how stubborn Zac can be.” We both laughed at that, and Taylor nodded.
“I’ll say. He’s not the easiest to deal with as a brother and a bandmate… I can only imagine having to deal with an even… closer… relationship.”
“He’s a handful, that’s for sure.” I pause, catching my innuendo too late. Tay’s face went bright red, and I let out a laugh at his embarrassment.
“Anyway… I’m really hoping this break will be good for us. I know Zac hasn’t been able to make much progress from the road, but being back in town, hopefully he and Kate will be able to work things out.”
“Hmm?” His brow furrowed and he tilted his head to the side.
“I guess Kate hasn’t been answering her phone lately. Makes it kinda hard to set appointments when you can’t get a hold of the other person. Sounds pretty selfish if you ask me, but then I’ve honestly never really liked that bitch anyway.”
“Umm… yeah, I’ve always gotten the impression the feeling was pretty mutual. But what was that about appointments?”
“Yeah, with a lawyer. I don’t know if it’s something they have to do together, or if Zac can just do his part without her; I don’t really know how it works in Oklahoma. Not that I know much about divorce proceedings in Cali, either,” I added with a chuckle.
“I’m–I’m sorry, what did you say?” Tay stared at me, his eyes wide.
“Oh… shit. Umm… I kinda just assumed he’d told you. Fuck…”
“Wait, wait… Zac and Kate are getting a divorce?”
“Look, just don’t tell him I told you, okay? I just figured you’d know about it, considering your wives are bff’s or whatever.”
“But that’s not…” He stopped, his face the picture of confusion. Did he really have no idea his brother’s marriage was ending? He muttered something under his breath, then downed the rest of his coffee in one gulp. “Listen, I gotta go… umm… I just gotta go. I’ll see you later, okay?”
“Umm… yeah, sure. See ya.” I watched Tay dash off, completely confused. He hadn’t just seem surprised by the news, he seemed… disbelieving.
All those red flags I thought I’d managed to get rid of suddenly started popping up again. I felt a pit in my stomach, and suddenly I wasn’t hungry at all. I needed to talk to Zac, if for no other reason than to give him a heads up that I’d spilled the beans on his apparently secret divorce. Something didn’t feel right about this whole thing, and this time, I was going to find out why.
Zac
I stretched my arms above my head, reveling in the feeling of the king-sized hotel bed Carrick and I had shared the night before. The hotel had been short on double rooms, and I didn’t think anyone but Taylor had thought anything of Carrick and I opting to share one bed. There was still a warm spot next to me; he’d woken up only a few minutes ago, but I decided sleeping in was more important than breakfast.
As soon as Carrick had kissed me goodbye, I rolled over and tried to go back to sleep, but I knew I couldn’t stay in bed all day, no matter how nice it sounded. This wasn’t technically a day off; we had a radio appearance later that day, followed by another one and an early morning television taping the next day. After that, we were in for a long drive back to Tulsa where we would at least get a few days break after our only hometown show of the tour.
Given that we were so close to our return home, I knew I needed to call Kate. I rolled over and checked the time on my phone. It wasn’t that early, even for a Sunday, and I knew she didn’t always go to church when I was away from home. She said it was because she needed my help to wrangle the kids, but I thought it also had something to do with how she never had been all that comfortable with the other women in the family. They got along well enough, but they weren’t best friends; other than Natalie, none of them would go out of their way to spend any time together.
Whether she was going to church or not, I knew it wasn’t really too early to call–although that would have been an easy excuse–and we did need to figure out the logistics of this brief stop back home. With those thoughts in mind, I picked up my phone and scrolled down until I found her name on the recent calls list. It seemed to be moving farther and farther down that list. With a heavy sigh, I hit call and listened to the line ring.
And ring… and ring… and ring…
“Hello?” A small voice said. I instantly recognized it as Shepherd’s. I sat up quickly, both alarmed and glad that we had started teaching him phone etiquette earlier in the summer.
“Shep, buddy, where’s Mommy? Is everything okay?”
“Hi, Daddy,” he replied cheerfully. “Mommy’s in the bathroom.”
“Okay,” I said, letting out a breath. “But she’s okay. Right?”
There was a slight pause. “I don’t know. Want me to ask her? She’s gettin’ ready for our playdate.”
“Playdate?” I repeated.
“Yeah, we’re going to the park with Emily and Trevor.”
I racked my brain, trying to remember where in the world I had heard those names before. Shepherd was in his second year of preschool and I was a horrible father would couldn’t keep track of all of his friends. Finally, I remembered the little girl Kate said he had a crush on and replied, “Emily from your class? Who’s Trevor, buddy? Is he new?”
“No, he’s Emily’s daddy,” Shepherd replied, almost sounding amused at my ignorance. “Mommy said it was okay to call him Trevor. He’s really cool; he’s teachin’ me how to play baseball.”
Well, nothing about that sounded suspicious at all. Another man hanging out with my kids, charming them with his superior athletic abilities? Kate insisting they call him by his first name? And to top it all off, Kate never mentioning any of this to me?
The fact that I was truly no better than her only briefly crossed my mind. I was too busy seeing red over the fact that she had involved our children in this to care that I was a massive hypocrite.
“Daddy? Are you still there, Daddy?”
“Yeah, son, I’m here.”
“I said, do you want to talk to Mommy?” He asked, sounding more exasperated than any five year old had the right to be.
“No,” I replied quickly. “That’s okay, buddy. I’m too busy to talk much right now. Tell you what, let’s keep this phone call our little secret, okay? You don’t even need to tell Mommy I called. I’ll talk to her later.”
“Okay,” Shepherd replied, and I thanked god that he was too young to understand what was happening at all. He was, both fortunately and unfortunately, too young to question any of this.
“I’ll talk to you later, buddy.”
“Bye, Daddy.”
I didn’t have a chance to say anything else before the line went dead. At least his phone etiquette was pretty good, even if he had no clue what a bomb he had just dropped on me. Of course he didn’t. He was just a kid.
And maybe I was reading too much into things, but I really didn’t think so. I tossed my phone down and stood up, pacing the floor a bit as I debated what Shep had just told me. Why would Kate need to spend time getting ready for something as simple and innocent as a playdate? Plus, I remembered this Trevor. He was a single dad to an adorable little girl, and all the moms loved him. I hated him already.
Everything was starting to make sense–Kate’s cancelled plans, her quickness to accuse me, even the fact that she had gone back on the pill without really discussing it with me. Just how long had this been going on? I wasn’t sure I wanted to know.
What I did know, I realized, was that it would now be so, so much easier to get out. Infidelity was an undeniable reason for divorce; the fact that I had cheated too almost didn’t matter. The point was that there could be no debate, no second guessing that it was over. It would be so much easier to draw the line in the sand and finally be able to move on with Carrick.
So why wasn’t I happier about this revelation?
I vaguely registered the sound of a key card beeping in the lock. The door opened with a muffled woosh.
“Hey, babe?” Carrick said. “Oh, good, you’re here.”
I paused in my tracks, glancing up to see Carrick peeking around the corner. “Huh? Yeah, I’m here.”
There was a slight but noticeable frown on his face. “So, I was talking to Tay just now, and… well, I think I might’ve messed up.”
“What do you mean?” I asked, tilting my head at him. What could Taylor and Carrick possibly have been talking about? It couldn’t have been worse than what I had just discovered. And yet, the look on Carrick’s face somehow said that it was.
He sighed and took a few steps closer to me. “I had no idea you hadn’t told him about the divorce. I mean, with Nat and Kate being so close, I just assumed… I’m sorry. He knows now, and I don’t know how you feel about that.”
“What… uh, what did Tay say?” I asked, hoping that my voice didn’t register any alarm. Maybe it could be worse. Maybe there wasn’t a limit at all to how deep into this hole I could dig myself.
Carrick sat down on the edge of the bed. “Well, we were talking about our break, and he said something about our arrangement, so I figured–not really sure what he meant, actually–anyway, when I told him I thought he’d known, he jumped up and ran. Seemed really… surprised.”
He looked up at me as though there was any way I could explain all of that. He had to know that I couldn’t. Not in any way that wouldn’t end with him hating me. But he couldn’t possibly know that I had potentially even bigger problems to worry about. I had no doubt Tay had run off to call his wife, who would tell my wife, who–what would my wife have to say about that? Could she really defend herself, knowing what she had done?
I stared down at Carrick, trying to clear all of that from my mind and focus only on the issue at hand–reassuring Carrick that nothing was wrong even when everything was falling apart. “Well, he–I mean, you know he’s been weird all tour. Who knows what he’s thinking now? But it’s not like… I mean, it’s not something you broadcast, you know? Not with the way our family gossips.”
“Yeah, I guess,” Carrick replied, eying me as though if he just stared enough he could see all of my unsaid thoughts. “Still, he acted like he had no idea you guys were even having problems. It just felt… like what I was saying was coming completely from left field.”
“Well, why would he know?” I asked, running a hand through my hair. “I don’t know what Kate tells Nat, but I’m not going around airing my dirty laundry to everyone.”
“Okay, okay.” Carrick let out a breath, but I could see there was still suspicion in his eyes. “Just seemed kinda weird to me, but hey, that’s your family. I’m sorry I spilled the beans, I guess.”
I sighed. “Look, I’m not–you didn’t do anything wrong. I’m not mad at you or anything. Really. But you’re right, my family is just weird and I just… I’ve just got a lot on my mind right now. That’s all.”
Carrick stood up. “Yeah… I’m sure. Anyway, I’m going to go take a walk or something. I’ll see you before your interview?”
“Yeah, that’s… that’s fine. I need to take a shower, I think. Clear my mind a bit.” I took a hesitant step toward him. “We’re okay, right?”
He gave me a serious look, and for a moment I feared he would walk out without another word. Finally, he stepped in and kissed me. “I love you.”
“Love you, too,” I replied, pulling back and giving him a smile.
He gave me another look, but didn’t speak again. I watched him walk out of the room before I exhaled again, hard. It hadn’t passed me by that he had not, technically, said we were okay. Sure, he loved me, and I loved him. But that didn’t mean we were going to make it through this, and I was beginning to suspect that what I saw as my opportunity to escape my marriage was going to be anything but simple.
I was on autopilot as I made my way to the bathroom and stepped into the shower. The hot water did nothing to soothe me; if anything, it only made my blood boil more. In truth, I had no one to be upset with but myself; I couldn’t even really be angry with Kate for doing the same thing I had done. What made either of us think we could keep up all of these lies for much longer?
Maybe I was a little bit angry with Taylor, once I really thought about it. If he ran his mouth, and I was sure he had, then all my lies would unravel before Kate’s. On the other hand… what might his wife have to tell him? What if Kate’s secrets had only been secret to me? What if the whole family was laughing at me behind my back?
So maybe I wasn’t only angry with myself.
I had just stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around my waist when I heard a knock at the door.
“Zac, you in there?” Taylor’s voice was muffled slightly by the door, but I could still hear the urgency in it.
Making sure my towel was securely in place, I opened the door with my other hand. “Yeah, I’m here. What do you want?”
He gave me a quick glance, then shook his head as if trying to remove the half-naked image of me from it. “We need to talk. Can I come in?”
“Sure, why not?” I stepped back to let him inside, crossing my hands over my chest as the door closed behind him.
Taylor took a few steps into the room, pacing around in a few nervous circles before finally addressing me. “Zac, what the hell is going on?”
“I’m kind of wondering that myself lately, to be honest.”
Taylor just stared at me, one eyebrow raised. Of course he was going to be obtuse and make this more difficult than it had to be. That was his specialty.
“Look, I know what you and Carrick talked about,” I explained. “And if I know you, you called Nat right afterward. Right?”
“Okay, so?” He asked, his voice defensive but the step he took away from me telling a different story.
“And what, she didn’t have any gossip? Nothing at all?”
Taylor gave an exasperated sigh. “Actually, no. She had no idea you guys were even having problems.”
“I find that hard to believe. I know how her and Kate are. She didn’t know anything?”
“I mean, she said Kate had been cancelling plans a lot lately,” Taylor replied, his face scrunching up in a frown as he seemed to struggle to think of all his wife had said. “Now she knows that was to meet with lawyers or whatever, right? She’s actually really hurt Kate didn’t tell her, because they’ve always been so close.”
“Yeah, well, turns out Kate’s been keeping a lot of secrets lately.”
“She’s not the only one, apparently,” Taylor shot back.
I groaned. “Look, that’s not the point right now, okay? I know I’m not any better than her. Trust me, I know. But if you could not go around gossiping about us, that would be great.”
“She… doesn’t know about Carrick.” Taylor’s eyes widened as realization seemed to dawn on him. I supposed I had given him reason to think Kate might have known about my affair, but what did that have to do with anything? My affair wasn’t the issue right then.
“I didn’t–we weren’t even talking about that!” I stuttered out. “I’m talking about you and your wife, and your two person gossip factory. And I swear, if you know something and you’re not telling me, I… well, I don’t know what I’ll do.”
“Wait, wait,” Taylor said, shaking his head. “Know something about what?”
I sighed heavily. Did he really not know? Is that why we were seemingly going in circles, hardly even talking about the same thing? “You’ve never heard of someone named Trevor? Not at all?”
“Who the hell is Trevor?”
“The guy who’s teaching my son how to play baseball,” I replied through gritted teeth. “And god knows what he’s teaching my wife.”
Taylor’s eyes widened to practically the size of saucers. “Wait… what?”
I clapped a hand against my forehead. He really didn’t know, and I had just played my entire hand. I gave him a stern look, pointing a finger at his face. “You breathe one word, I swear. One word.”
“So,” Tay said, collapsing onto the bed. “Let me see if I’ve got this straight. You and Kate are getting a divorce, you’ve been seeing someone else, but you’re pissed because… she has, too?”
I sat down next to him. “Look, Carrick may have gotten the wrong idea about how close Kate and I were to a divorce. And that may be my fault. I knew it was bad, I did, but I didn’t… I didn’t know how bad.”
“Oh, Zac…” Taylor said, giving me a surprisingly sympathetic look, his teeth digging into his bottom lip so hard I thought he might draw blood. He was probably just trying not to tell me all he really thought about me and how much of a worthless asshole I was.
“I know I fucked up, okay? I don’t want a lecture or anything.”
He sprawled out across the bed, rolling onto his side to face me. His voice soft and low, he replied, “I know; I’m not going to. I think I’m the last person who should be giving relationship advice anyway.”
“Yeah, well, at least your marriage has honesty going for it. Maybe a little too much of it sometimes.”
“We’ve learned not to ask too many questions,” he replied with a shrug. Giving me a long look, he added, “Zac, I… I had no idea you were even…”
I curled up onto the bed, doing my best to keep my towel in place. I didn’t have to guess what Taylor had meant, and maybe it was a little ridiculous that, of all people, I had never even confided in him. Looking down at him, I said, “It’s not something I really… explored much before. It was just a fantasy or whatever.”
“So, Carrick’s the first guy you’ve been with?”
“If you mean my first boyfriend, yeah,” I replied. “I mean, everybody experiments when they’re a teenager, right? But I was never really, like, involved with another guy. I never thought about dating a guy before; never really even thought about that many of them, you know, sexually.”
“But you have thought of a few?” Taylor asked, a hint of a smirk crossing his lips.
“Maybe,” I replied, glancing away. I might have fooled around some, but in truth, the only other guy who figured so prominently in my fantasies was him. I wasn’t about to admit that, though. In any case, that was really just the stuff of fantasies, and not anything I ever intended to pursue. “Anyway, look, I’m sorry you got involved in this, all these secrets and lies and shit.”
“Hey, it’s okay,” Taylor said. “I’m not mad, I promise. I just wanna be sure you’re okay.”
“I’m sure things could be worse. Somehow.” I shook my head. “This is just a big clusterfuck, huh?”
“It really is,” Taylor replied with a laugh. He stretched out across the bed, and I was jealous that he could be so calm, but I supposed he was just a spectator for the disaster my life was quickly becoming. It didn’t directly affect him.
“Yeah, well, you didn’t help things,” I said. “But I know it’s… it’s pretty much all my fault. So I’ve gotta find my own way out of it… somehow.”
“You’ll figure it out,” he replied, giving me a long look and a sigh. “And even if it all goes to shit, at least you’ve got me, right?”
I stared at him. He couldn’t possibly have meant that the way I heard it, but I couldn’t resist cracking something of a joke. “No offense, Tay, but you’re no Carrick.”
He turned bright red. “That’s not what I… you know what I meant.”
“Yeah, I know, I know,” I replied, giving him a weak smile. “And I do appreciate it. You probably will be the only person left on my side if the shit hits the fan. And I probably don’t even deserve that much.”
Tay frowned, sitting up enough to put a hand on my shoulder. “Hey… that’s not true. Yeah, okay, you fucked up… but that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve love.”
“Sometimes I wonder,” I replied honestly, my smile falling. “But thanks, Tay. Really.”
“You really don’t give yourself enough credit. You’re really a great guy. Anyone would be lucky to have you.” After a slight pause, just enough to make things a little awkward, he pulled his hand back.
I couldn’t resist smirking and saying, “If I didn’t know better, I’d think you were trying to hit on me.”
Taylor’s blush returned, this time even deeper red, and he groaned.
“I’m kidding, Tay,” I said, giggling. “Seriously, I know better than that.”
“Right,” Taylor replied. With a smirk of his own, he added, “I mean, I know you said you read fanfic about us, but that’s different, right?”
“Who said I was reading about us?” I replied, pasting an innocent look on my face. I was reasonably certain I hadn’t said that, but the fact that he assumed I had meant that sort of fanfic was pretty telling. “You’re putting words in my mouth now, Tay.”
“I thought you..” Taylor mumbled, his brow furrowing. He stood up quickly. “Umm, nevermind. You probably want to get dressed, so…”
“Yeah…” I glanced down at my towel and the puddle I was leaving on the bed. “Probably shouldn’t go to the interview like this.”
Tay looked me up and down, then glanced away. “Yeah, so, I’m just gonna umm… go…”
“See ya later,” I replied, positive I was missing something in this sudden and hasty exit of his. After a moment, I added, “And Tay? I hate to ask this of you, but please… just don’t say anything else to anyone about… well, any of this.”
“Of course.” He nodded. With just a hint of a smirk, he said, “Your secrets are safe with me. All of them.”
“Thanks, Tay.”
As I watched him walk out of the room, I could only hope he was right. I was really walking on a razor thin wire now, balancing not just my own secrets, but Kate’s, too. I trusted Taylor, but I still couldn’t help feeling like I was almost at the end–of what, I couldn’t say.