Carrick
The first night was the worst. I felt used, dirty. I wanted to hate him. I hated myself for being so stupid, for not catching on to all the warning signs. For not remembering what a manipulative little shit he could be when he wanted something. I just never thought he’d go that far, not with me, not over something this serious.
I was vaguely aware of someone knocking on the door, telling me dinner was ready if I wanted it. I hadn’t moved from the floor where I’d collapsed, leaning back against the wall with my head on my knees. My stomach grumbled, but I ignored it, the thought of food almost as unappealing as the thought of facing Taylor, or worse, his family. I didn’t want anyone to see me like this, wallowing in pathetic, broken-hearted despair like some lovesick character in a cheap paperback romance.
I couldn’t decide who I was more angry with–him for using me, or myself for falling for it. The sad truth was that I hadn’t, at least not at first. I’d kept my guards up until the last; he’d been the one to assure me, time and time again, that he was sincere. I hadn’t been naive, I’d had my suspicions all along. The fault was on his shoulders, I reminded myself, not mine.
At some point, half-asleep, I dragged myself to the bed and passed out. I woke up the next morning, and for half a second expected to feel him laying next to me. Bitter bile rose in my throat as I remembered everything that’d happened the day before. I wanted to go back to sleep, to not be conscious, but being human, I had basic needs that demanded my attention.
The house was quiet. I didn’t know what time it was, but if I had to guess, I would’ve said no later than 8 or 9. I ducked my head into the kitchen, hoping to swipe something to nibble on, but stopped short when I saw Natalie sitting at the table. She looked up and smiled, then patted the spot next to her.
“Good morning, Carrick. Want some coffee?”
“Um… yeah, sure. Thanks.” I took the seat she’d offered, and she got up to pour me a cup from the pot on the counter. “Black’s fine,” I told her when she started to open the refrigerator; she nodded and brought me the mug, setting it in front of me and sitting down. It was good, probably something expensive.
“How are you feeling?” she asked quietly. When I looked up she was watching me with a look of concern, not really pity, more like… well, like a mother. I thought about lying, making up some excuse about tour exhaustion, but what was the point? She knew better, whether she knew the details or not. I let out a shaky sigh and hung my head.
“It’ll be okay,” she said, putting a hand on mine. “Maybe not in the way you want it to be, but it will be okay, I promise.” She got up then, patting my shoulder before leaving me to my thoughts. Her words helped a little, but there was still so much pain. I downed the rest of my coffee and slunk back to the guest room, determined to spend the entire two-week break in solitude.
For a while it looked like I’d be doing just that; I didn’t leave the room unless absolutely necessary. A couple times a day someone would bring me food–sometimes Taylor or Natalie, sometimes it was one of the older kids. No one tried to force me out though, and for that I was grateful. I spent a lot of time thinking, trying to sort through the jumbled mess of emotions.
After a few days I picked up my guitar and tried channelling all those feelings into something creative. By the end of the first week, I’d managed to write a song good enough to consider sharing–maybe. It was personal enough for anyone with even the smallest bit of inside info to understand; hell, the fans would probably get the gist of it right away.
It was Friday night, with just a few days left of the break, when Taylor suddenly barged into the room.
“Okay, Carrick. You’ve had your pity party, and that’s fine. But now I think what you need is a few drinks, some music, and lots of people you don’t have to see in the morning.”
“…What?” I looked up from the bed, one eyebrow raised.
“I’m getting you out of this house for a few hours. Now come on, get dressed.” He grinned at me, then left and closed the door behind him. It took me a minute to comprehend what he was telling me, but then it hit me. Drinks, music, people… he was dragging me out to some club, probably in an attempt to help me ‘rebound’ or whatever from Zac. I chuckled and shook my head; I should’ve seen this coming, really. The fact that it’d taken him so long was the most surprising part.
I sighed heavily; I didn’t really want to go out, but maybe it was a good idea. I’d been sitting in a funk for over a week now, and I didn’t even feel like myself anymore. I wanted to feel alive again, I realized, and if that meant letting Taylor drag my ass out to some nightclub and getting drunk enough to forget Zac’s name… well, the idea was sounding more appealing by the minute.
It didn’t take me long to get ready, but I did put some effort into how I looked. It wasn’t like I was trying to hook up with someone, but I felt better not looking like a total wreck. If my eyes were still a little red, I could just chalk it up to being a stoner. I met Taylor in the living room; he gave me a once-over and nodded, smiling.
“You look good. C’mon, the car’s warmed up.”
I stared out the window as we drove across town. I wondered what Zac was doing, then instantly regretted the thought. I looked at Taylor and smiled; he really was a great friend.
“Hey man, thanks. For dragging my ass out, and for putting up with me all week. I’m sorry I’ve been such a bum.”
“It’s fine,” he replied, smiling and shaking his head. His brow furrowed, and he bit his lip. “You didn’t deserve how he treated you. I’m sorry you had to be put through all of it.”
“Did you know?” I wasn’t accusing him or anything, and I hoped my tone reflected that. After a few seconds, he nodded.
“Not until recently, but… yeah. I should’ve said something, I know, but…”
“It’s okay. He’s your brother; that’s an impossible position to be put in, and I don’t blame you for being loyal to blood. I probably would’ve done the same.” I sighed and leaned my head against the window for a minute. “It’s just like… it’s what he does, isn’t it? He tells everyone what they want to hear, and doesn’t worry about what’ll happen when they compare notes until the shit hits the fan.”
“I never thought he’d be that self-serving, though. Not to you.”
“Yeah… same here,” I said quietly.
“For what it’s worth, I’m still here for you, no matter what.”
I turned to smile at him, grateful once again to count him as a friend. If things had happened differently, who knows what might’ve been.
I hadn’t really thought about what kind of club I was being dragged to, but I was a little surprised when we pulled up to one of the few gay bars in Tulsa. I guess I’d assumed he would think I wouldn’t want to be with another guy right away, since he knew I was bi. Heck, until he found out about me and Zac, I wasn’t sure if Tay even knew I was into guys at all. But then again, maybe it wasn’t just for my benefit.
The club was packed, the bass thumping in my chest. We squeezed our way up to the bar, and ordered a couple beers that I was pretty sure Tay sweet-talked the bartender into giving us on the house. The music was loud enough to drown out the static in my head, and I felt myself starting to unwind. I had to hand it to Tay, this was just what I needed.
We drank and people-watched for a while, until Tay decided it was time to dance. I wasn’t so sure, but I let him drag me onto the floor anyway. It didn’t take long for us to get separated, but that was okay. For the first time in a while I was able to just let go and have fun. It felt good.
I became aware of someone trying to dance with me, and turned to look at him. He was almost as tall as me, with black hair as typed onto short bleach-tipped spikes, and a coy smile. Cute, and not exactly against my type. I moved closer and danced with him for a couple songs, until he nodded towards the bar.
“Shots?” he offered, already holding out a glass of something clear.
“Why the hell not,” I said with a grin. Our fingers brushed as I took the glass from him, in a way that couldn’t have been unintentional. I tossed it back, watching him watch me as I did. He took his own shot, then called for another pair.
“So who you trying to forget?” he asked, and I coughed a little, the vodka burning my throat. “I know the look,” he went on, a knowing smile on his lips.
“Wouldn’t really be forgetting if I talk about him, would it?”
“Touche.” We clicked glasses and down our third… fourth? Shots. He didn’t say more, but took my hand and led me back put yo the dance floor. He was strong and assertive, not aggressive but confident. I liked it. I let myself lose track of time as we danced, eventually finding ourselves in a booth with a bottle of absolut. I couldn’t say who kissed who first, but things heated up pretty quick, hands gripping thighs and fingers reaching under shirts.
“Do you want to come back to my place?” he whispered in my ear, his lips grazing my jaw. I shivered and pulled back, ready to nod; I wanted him, and needed this. But when I looked in his eyes, I froze. They were the same shade of chocolate as Zac’s, and the connection sent a stab of pain through my chest. I let out a breath and leaned back, distancing myself.
“I… I want to,” I said as quietly as I could manage while still being heard. “I do. Trust me, I do,” I chuckled. “But…”
“It’s alright,” he said, nodding and backing up slightly.
“I’m sorry.”
“My heart’s not broken,” he said, patting my hand. “I’ve been there, I know how it is. Thanks for letting me keep you company.” He leaned over and kissed the corner of my mouth gently, and then he was gone.
I felt like an asshole, but what could I have done? Hooked up with this sweet guy, all the while thinking about someone else? That seemed like the worse move to me, and if I was gonna be an ass at least I could be a considerate one. Part of me wanted to chase him down, tell him I changed my mind and yeah, I’d love to go back to his place and screw til sunup. But I’d done the right thing, I told myself.
Taylor found me a little later. I finished my drink slowly, Tay watching me with a look I wasn’t sure I wanted to interpret. We headed out not much later, after Tay’s reassurance that he’d stuck to just two beers. The ride back to his house was quiet, but it was a comfortable silence. We stumbled into the house and collapsed on the couch, muffling our laughter. Taylor got up and went to the kitchen, bringing back a bottle of rum and taking a sip.
“Looked like you were getting pretty cozy with that guy,” Tay said after a bit. He smirked at me, nudging my side with his elbow. “Half expected to be coming back here by myself.”
“Yeah,” I said, shrugging. “He wanted me to… I almost did. But…” I bit my lip, feeling guilty again for shooting him down.
“But what?” Taylor asked, his brow furrowed.
“I just couldn’t,” I sighed, leaning back on the couch and closing my eyes. “I looked at him, and all I could think about was… you know.” I felt my eyes watering a little. I grabbed the bottle from Tay and took a long swig. I could feel him watching me, and when I glanced over, he was giving me the saddest pout. He reached over and touched my knee.
“I really am sorry, Carrick. You deserve so much better than that.”
“I know, that’s the bitch of it. I know I do, but…” I sighed and took another sip. Tay took the bottle and brought it to his own lips, and my eyes were drawn to him. “I’d love to be able to just forget for a while. To just… not feel like this.”
“I know. And I told you, I’m here for you. Whatever you need.” He smiled, then blinked, his cheeks turning a little pink. He looked away, taking another drink.
“Whatever I need, huh?” I teased, nudging his knee with mine. I was just joking… mostly. But when he turned to look at me again, there was no question that he’d meant what he said, in whatever way I chose to take it. The air between us changed, a tension beginning to build.
“You’re a great guy, Carrick. Anyone would be lucky to have you.” He passed me the bottle again, and this time there was a clear moment when our hands brushed, his fingers lingering on mine.
“You’re not so bad yourself.”
For some reason that made him laugh; he moved to swat at me but missed, and ended up falling against me. Both of us were laughing then, falling back on the couch in a heap. The room spun as all I’d had to drink started to catch up to me. That didn’t stop me from taking another swig, though. I watched as Tay grabbed the bottle and took a sip of his own. The bottle hit the table with a clatter as he set it down, and he chuckled. He was laying on top of me from the waist up, his cheeks flushed and his eyes wide. He licked his lips slowly, deliberately. I could see the gears turning, see him trying to decide. I made the choice for him, leaning up swiftly and pressing our lips together.
I felt him tense, and pulled back. I’d misread him, seen signals that weren’t really there. I was almost seeing two of him, and I couldn’t tell if it was him shaking, or just my vision.
“Is this… what you want?” he asked. His tone was sincerely curious, not accusatory, and I nodded.
“If you don’t–”
“I do,” he answered quickly, then blushed at his own eagerness. “I just… earlier, you said…”
“I know what I said. And… yeah. But I just… I need…”
“Okay.” He nodded, and I smiled. He touched my cheek, and the pity in his expression would’ve turned me off completely, if there wasn’t so much desire mixed in with it.
I closed my eyes and let my head fall back. The world blurred around me, sensations and sounds bleeding into each other; it was all good, so good, too good. Things were happening too fast, or my mind was moving too slowly, to keep track of who was touching who and where. And for the first time in what felt like ages, Zac didn’t cross my mind once.