Carrick
No one batted an eye when Zac and I offered to share a room for the first hotel stop of the tour. They’d probably expected it, really; it wasn’t our first time, not by a long-shot. But now, with everything going on between us, it carried a different, heavier weight. If anyone suspected anything going on between us, no one mentioned it. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that, but it was probably for the best.
Hotel stays are actually pretty rare on Hanson tours, with their unrelenting schedule, so my first stop was always the shower. Tour bus bathrooms aren’t the most comfortable for someone pushing six foot five. Even a lot of hotels aren’t much better, but thankfully this one was just about right.
As I stood under the shower’s spray I thought about what was happening with Zac. We were putting our friendship on the line, and I still wasn’t sure I wanted to put all my money on that horse. Zac was a good friend, but he had his faults like anyone else. At least once in our past I’d had to blow him off for a while, just to prove I wouldn’t put up with his shit like everyone else. His brothers were stuck with him, at least to a point, but I could walk away at any time. If we started a relationship, though, if I let myself get in too deep…
Still, I was cautiously optimistic. Every day, every smile, every kiss felt more and more like the real thing. He wasn’t really changing in any visible way, but I was letting him in, more and more, bit by bit. I had to trust him, because at this point, I wasn’t sure I could go back. I still had my guards up, but they weren’t going to last much longer.
As I toweled off, I could hear Zac speaking to someone. I paused, putting my ear to the door; it wasn’t that I wanted to eavesdrop, but I was curious who’d be calling him so late at night.
“But Katie… I know, but… okay.”
My stomach did a small twist as I realized he was talking to his soon-to-be-ex-wife.
“I know, me too.” He chuckled, and my brow furrowed. He sounded… happy. “Yeah, alright.”
Something felt off. I didn’t want to make any assumptions, but my gut was sending up signals. Still, I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. I cleared my throat as I opened the bathroom door, throwing him a glance as I dug through my bag for a pair of clean boxers.
As soon as he noticed me, he whispered a rushed goodbye and ended the call. He tried to look casual, but I could see the–what? Guilt? Fear? There was definitely something in the way he was staring at his phone instead of at his half-naked boyfriend.
“Some good comments about last night’s show,” he said, as if he wasn’t acting weird. I slipped on my boxers and sat next to him, glancing at his phone briefly. He’d switched over to Twitter, and was in fact scrolling the band’s tag.
“Oh yeah?”
“Mhm”, he replied, finally taking notice of me and looking me up and down. “Apparently they really enjoyed you coming back out for our encore, too.”
“Yeah… feels good to have some fans of my own,” I admitted, grinning. “I know I’m not anywhere near as big as you guys, but still…” When I’d been making my solo album, there’d been times when I seriously wondered if anyone was going to care. But the outpouring of support when I’d launched the Kickstarter was a huge boost to my confidence, and at every show so far there’d been at least a few fans who knew every word. I knew I owed a lot of my success to Zac and his brothers, but it still felt great.
“Hey, you got your biggest fan right here, what more do you need?” Zac gave me a cheesy grin, and I rolled my eyes. Figures he’d bring the focus back to him. I couldn’t be too upset, though.
“Yeah, well everyone knows you’ve always been my biggest fan.” I smirked and gave him a suggestive glance; people really had been talking about us ever since that first tour; we’d awkwardly joked about it back then, but I’d tried not to dwell on it at the time. For all I’d known, Zac was completely oblivious to how much of a fanboy he’d acted like. Of course, knowing what I knew now…
“Well, I think I’ve got a few rivals here, if these tweets are anything to judge by.” Zac curled up next to me, still hanging on to his damn phone. “Have you seen some of the stuff they send you?” I chuckled and took the device from him, tossing it aside. I found myself staring it at for a second longer, that feeling of unease nagging at the back of my mind again, but I turned my attention back to Zac–to my boyfriend.
“Yeah… but they’re not who I want. Who I want to be with.” I smiled, but I had a feeling my mixed emotions were showing through. I’d always been good at putting on a front, and hiding how complicated my mind really was sometimes, but now it wasn’t so easy.
“Yeah? Who’s that?” Zac gave me a long, slow look, his lips curling suggestively. I shook my head and kissed him gently, running a hand down his arm. I really hoped he understood how deep this was getting for me, how much more than just physical it was. But the way he curled one leg around mine made me wonder.
“So, what you’re saying is… you’re my biggest fan too?”
Not that the physical attraction wasn’t just as prevalent. I kissed his neck, gripping his leg and grinding against him a bit.
“You tell me.”
He slid his hand between our bodies and gripped me lightly, putting on an expression of consideration.
“Mm… Yeah, I’d say so.”
“God, Zac… “ I groaned and bit his neck, reaching down to grip him as well. We were just warming up, practically teasing each other, and I couldn’t get enough. Damn him for being so damn hot.
“Wonder what the fans would think of this duet,” he half-moaned, gripping me tighter.
“Oh I’m sure they’d just eat it right up,” I chuckled, dragging my tongue up the side of Zac’s neck; he arched his back in response, pressing our hips closer together. “Wouldn’t you?”
“Like live-action porn… or fanfiction come to life…” He giggled, and even I had to laugh at the notion as I kissed my way down his neck and chest.
“Pretty sure I’ve read at least a few scenes that started out like this…”
“Mhm, like this,” he agreed, tangling a hand in my hair. “On the bus… backstage… We have some very… creative fans,” he panted.
“You know,” I started, pausing to moan as he gripped my hair tighter, “You’re doing a lot of talking for someone who supposedly wants this.” I ground against him for emphasis. He shrugged, but suddenly he flipped me over, straddling my hips.
“So I’m a talker. That a problem?”
“Not really,” I replied, smirking and rocking my hips against him. “As long as you’re not all talk.”
“Mm, not at all…” He slid down my body then, trailing kisses as he went. My eyes widened as I watched him; this was a first for us, and possibly for him as well. He’d mentioned something about blowjobs in his half-assed confession the other day, but that could mean giving or receiving. I decided I didn’t want to know, and focused on stroking my fingers through his hair.
He nudged my boxers down and planted a few tentative kisses around the base of my dick; I realized I was panting a bit as I watched him. If I was totally honest, I’d thought about this specifically way more often than is probably healthy for a platonic friendship. Some of our more expressive fans liked to say he had a mouth made for it, and I couldn’t really disagree.
“Zac… Are you sure…” I wanted to let him know he didn’t have to do anything he didn’t want to, but I could hear the lack of conviction in my voice, and anyway he didn’t look like he had any real reservations. He nodded softly, then finally, finally wrapped his lips around me, only trembling slightly in what I hoped was anticipation.
I couldn’t begin to describe how amazing Zac’s mouth felt. My head fell back against the pillows, a moan rising from deep in my chest. I gripped his hair a bit tighter and stared down at him as he worked his way down, slowly finding a rhythm. When he moaned I felt it, and shivered. I tried to keep still but as he picked up speed I couldn’t stop my hips from bucking slightly. I felt him grip my hip, his fingernails digging in a little, and the slight pain was just enough to bring me back at least partway out of the haze.
“Fuck, Zac,” I said with a breathless laugh. “You sure you’ve never done this before?” I’d said the words without thinking, but he just pulled back slightly and chuckled.
“I’ve done a lot of research?” he offered. I smirked and tugged his head back down, in a way more playful than forceful. He swirled his tongue around my head before diving back down, the hand on my hip falling back towards my ass. I tried to keep at least one eye open as I watched him, biting my lip almost to the point of pain.
Zac moaned again, his hand creeping a little further back, and I felt myself tensing up a bit.
“Zac…” I said carefully, not wanting to kill the mood.
“Hm?” he replied,looking up at me through his lashes. How could someone be doing something so sexual, and at the same time look so damn… pretty?
“N-nothing…” Maybe his move had been unintentional; I decided to let it go, and just enjoy the moment.
“Is it… Am I doing okay?” he asked, pulling back. I nodded, and gave him a smile.
“Yeah. Better than okay.” I reached out to touch his cheek gently. I was so far gone, in every sense, I realized. I still wasn’t sure how I felt about that, but now wasn’t the time to think about it, or anything else.
“Yeah?” He kept his eyes on me as he swirled his tongue again, his hand moving again. This time, he went as far as brushing a finger against me. So much for unintentional… I tensed up again and grabbed his wrist, not really pulling it away, but definitely holding it still.
“Hey now…” I tried to keep my tone light and teasing.
“Hm?” He pulled back, blinking. I took a deep breath, closing my eyes for a second. This was too fast, and if I didn’t stop him–and myself–now, I didn’t know if I’d be able to stop at all.
“Let’s just… take things one step at a time,” I said carefully, easing his hand away.
“Okay…” He wrapped his hand around my dick anyway, but there was an obvious disappointment to his tone. I sighed, and covered his hand with my own.
“Hey,” I said, stopping him. “Sorry. Just…” I took a deep breath and ran a hand through my hair. I wanted to keep going, but the tension was there now, hanging between us. “Maybe we should… cool off for a few.”
Zac frowned, but pulled back and crawled up to nestle against my side. “Okay… That’s… that’s okay. Sorry?”
I shook my head as I pulled my boxers back up, then wrapped my arms around him. “Not your fault,” I told him. “Just… like I said. Certain things I don’t really feel comfortable with… yet.”
“I didn’t mean to,” he said, still frowning. “I mean, I didn’t know. I just… you know, you’ve been doing everything for me, and I wanted to… I dunno, return the favor or whatever.”
I chose not to point out that what he’d been going for was further than either of us had done, so it couldn’t really be called ‘returning the favor’.
“I know, I know. Just…” I paused, trying to choose my words carefully. “You’re still married, Zac. And yeah, I know that’s just temporary right now, but the point still stands. And until you’re not married… it just wouldn’t feel right.”
He blinked, staring blankly at me for a moment. “Oh, I… Oh. I see.”
“I told you about that from the start, Zac. At least, I thought you understood?” It wouldn’t have surprised me if Zac’s selective hearing had skipped over that part, which was annoying, but at least he didn’t seem upset about it.
“Sorry I got a little carried away?” he said with a nervous laugh. I sighed and looked away for a moment. Sometimes I really hated his constant need to make jokes; it was his go-to defense when things got awkward.
“It’s okay. I’m not saying we have to stop everything. Just… I don’t wanna cross that line. Think of it as incentive,” I added with a teasing smirk.
“Incentive?” he echoed, raising an eyebrow. I rolled my eyes and sighed in frustration; sometimes I wondered if he was all there upstairs.
“Lemme spell it out for you. You get divorced, we can have sex,” I explained, grabbing his ass and giving it a squeeze.
His eyes widened, and he gave another nervous chuckle. “But I mean, it’s not like I can… I mean, I guess my desire to fuck a dude would be an irreconcilable difference…”
“Not like you can what?” I asked, eyeing him. There was that nagging feeling again, something about his words and the way he said them sounding just a little… off. I closed my eyes and took a breath. “Sorry. Look, I don’t know how long a divorce takes in Oklahoma, so I really shouldn’t judge. But I gotta draw the line somewhere, or I’ll just end up hating myself for it.”
“And I’m not saying you can’t draw a line,” Zac replied with a deep sigh. “I just… I just need time. I mean, I can’t do a lot about it while I’m on tour, you know? But I’ll… we’ll get this sorted out.”
I looked at him, picking over his words, trying to figure out why they didn’t reassure me as much as they should have. Finally I sighed, and gave him a smile. “Alright, babe. I’m sorry for pushing. I just…” I stopped again, and stared at the ceiling. If I wanted him to be honest with me, I had to be totally honest with him. “I can’t help thinking about all the ways this could go south, ya know? Our friendship means a lot to me, and this… this could blow up in our faces so bad.”
I looked at him again. I had to remind myself that while it wasn’t all about him, it wasn’t all about me, either.
“Have you thought about what you’re gonna tell the fans?”
“I haven’t really,” he said, shaking his head. “I haven’t thought that far ahead yet. Can’t we just… just enjoy this for now? We’ll figure out the future when we get there.”
And just like that, I felt myself getting frustrated with him again. I would start to get whiplash if I wasn’t so used to it.
“That’s the thing about the future, Zac. You never get there. If this is what you want, if it’s really happening…” I paused, considering my words. I really didn’t want to press the issue, but despite all our talking, I still wasn’t totally convinced we were on the same page. “I’m not asking for answers right now. But I’d like to know you’re at least thinking about them, instead of just shoving them back to some imaginary day who-knows-how long from now.”
“I am thinking, Carrick,” he answered weakly. “I just, I don’t know what to tell you right now. When Kate and I – I mean, we’ll issue some kind of press release, I guess, when it happens. But it’s not like I’m going to immediately tell people I’m with you. No one would understand, not that soon. So, I don’t know. When it… when it feels right, I guess.”
His answer should have made me feel better, but instead it only raised more questions, more doubts. I took his hand in mine, gripping it lightly.
“This is what you want, right? Not just the sex, but… this?”
“Of course… of course it is, Carrick. You know I’m not like that, anyway. I don’t just sleep around. If I’m going to have sex with anyone, it’s someone who… who means a lot to me.”
Finally. Of all the things he’d said, it was the one thing he held back that reassured me the most. “I know. And you know I’m the same way. That’s why I was so… scared, to start this. But I’m glad we did. You… mean a lot to me, Zac. I really hope you know that.”
“You think I’m not scared too? This is all… so new to me. All of it. It’s a lot of change to handle, so I’m sorry if I don’t know what I’m doing half the time.” He was guilt tripping me now, and I should’ve been upset, but it was working, at least a little. He did have a valid point, anyway.
“You’re right… I’m sorry. I really don’t mean to push you or anything.” I leaned over to give him a gentle kiss. “Sorry I kinda killed the mood.”
“It’s okay… we’ll have other times. We’ve got the whole rest of the tour.”
I smirked as a wicked idea popped into my head. “We could always do a little… light reading?”
“Mm, good thinking,” he said, as a slow grin crept across his lips. “I read this one the other day that was freakishly accurate in their description of the green room you fucked me in.”
“Pretty sure I’d remember that,” I remarked, raising an eyebrow. He giggled, and sat up a bit.
“Get your laptop; you’re gonna love this one.”