Carrick
Zac had asked me if I wanted to go on the Walk with them; I told him no offense, but no thanks. As much as I wanted to spend more time with him, the Walks were always a madhouse, and as much as I loved interacting with the fans, I wasn’t really in the mood for a moving meet-and-greet while listening to Tay preach about his noble cause. Don’t get me wrong, I liked that he felt so passionate about making a difference. But you can only say the same thing so many ways, and I had pretty much heard every variation at that point.
So instead I hung out on the bus and gamed for a while. I thought about doing some reading, especially considering the few fics Zac had pointed out the other day, but I wasn’t really in the mood for that, either. I wasn’t having a bad day exactly, but something just felt… off. I couldn’t put my finger on what–if anything–was wrong, but I felt it in the air. Maybe I was just being paranoid.
I was startled by the sound of Zac’s phone buzzing next to me; it had fallen between the couch cushions, either left there intentionally or forgotten. I dug it out, thinking maybe he was trying to find it, but scowled when I saw the name flashing on the screen–Kate. My already questionable mood soured further, and I tossed the phone aside. It kept ringing, however; as wrong as it was, I was seriously tempted to answer. But I couldn’t invade his privacy like that, and I had no idea what I would say to her anyway, so I let it ring and ring until it went to his voicemail.
I was torn. Part of me hoped it was news, preferably good but any news would’ve been an improvement. Another part of me kept thinking about the other night, and all the little things that had been nagging at the back of my mind. It did seem weird, when I stopped to think about it, that she chose that time to call. Surely she knew he would be on the Walk? If it was news, wouldn’t it be better to call when he had time off? And if not… then what?
It was almost two hours later when Zac finally came down the hallway, calling my name. I smiled as I paused my game, leaning my head to the side to see him coming.
“Carrick? You in here?”
“Yep, back here.”
“Oh, hey.” He poked his head into the lounge, but stayed standing in the doorway. “I need to grab a shower, but maybe we can grab dinner–oh, there’s my phone. I wondered where I left it.”
“Oh, yeah. Kate called.” I tried not to frown, but I could feel it replacing the smile his half-finished invitation had caused. He walked over and picked it up, scrolling through it.
“Huh… did she.” It didn’t sound like a question, and if I hadn’t known better, he almost sounded… suspicious?
“Yep,” I answered, looking back at the tv. I saw Zac glance at me from the corner of his eye, and again there was a hint of something close to accusation in his expression. Suddenly I almost wished I had answered the call.
“Well,” he said, letting the phone drop back onto the couch, “I’ll be in the shower.”
“Kay. See you in a bit, I guess.” I didn’t understand why he was acting weird, but to be fully honest, I stopped trying to understand why he did anything years ago. It was one of his most simultaneously endearing and frustrating features, but right then it was more the latter.
“You could… join me?” he added, with a hint of a smirk.
“You know I barely fit in there on my own, right?”
“No one said you had to be standing up…” He said with a snort, crossing his arms and leaning against the wall. And just like that, he was back to being endearing. I almost wanted to hate it, ridiculous as that was. I chuckled, but shook my head.
“Just go. I did hear you mention dinner, right?”
“Well, I was just… I mean…I thought maybe we could go out. For dinner. Together. Like, I mean… a date, or whatever.” He gave a sheepish little grin, and damn it if it wasn’t adorable as fuck.
“Yeah, that sounds good.” Whatever weirdness between us was gone, at least for the moment.
“The guys are putting together some kind of afterparty tonight and I just didn’t know, you know, if we’d get to spend much time together.”
“Yeah, date night sounds good.” I took a breath and leaned my head back. “I think we could both use it,” I added, half to myself.
“Okay… Yeah, okay. I’ll, um… I’ll just take a quick shower, and we’ll find someplace nice to go?”
I looked at him for a moment. His personality had always seemed so conflicted, split right down the middle. Oozing confidence one moment, unsure of his own words the next; playful as a five-year-old, but wiser than anyone his age has a right to be; dark and light, soft and hard. Maybe it was part of why I was drawn to him, drawn to the chaos. Sometimes I wondered how he managed to stay even as sane as he seemed to be. Maybe that’s what drew him to me–like keeping your eyes on something level to keep from spinning out of control. It was a lot of pressure, being someone else’s horizon. I hoped I could handle it.
I stood up and walked over, touched his cheek, and gave him a kiss.
“I’ll shower really fast if you promise me a few more of those afterward,” he said with a smirk. I chuckled and spun him around, and gave his ass a tap.
“Just go, you dork.”
It was a lot of pressure, but I would try, for him.
After the show, Zac and I were able to sneak off to a little Greek restaurant a couple blocks from the venue. It probably wasn’t what he had been expecting, but from what I’d read online, their falafel and stuffed fig leaves were supposedly worth trying. It wasn’t always easy sticking to my vegetarian diet around the Hansons, carnivores extraordinaire, so when Zac let me pick where to go, it meant more than he probably even realized. Then again, maybe he did know how much it meant.
“So I know I say this every night, but great show tonight,” I told him with a smile.
“I bet you say that to everyone you open for,” he shot back with a cheesy grin.
I just rolled my eyes and took another bite of my pita. “This is actually really good. Sure you don’t want some?”
“No, thank you. I don’t know how you can do a tour eating rabbit food like that.”
“You’re gonna have to get used to it babe,” I chuckled. “Watch out, one of these days I might even get you to eat…” I paused to fake a gasp of shock and horror. “A salad!”
“I eat salad! The stuff we eat during Lent, you wouldn’t even touch some of it. But everyone needs a burger every now and then.”
I took a moment to think. I had said it like a joke, but if we were going to be together, he would have to get used to my eating habits, among other things. His mention of Lent brought up another territory we would have to navigate together.
“Okay, so… I have to ask. The whole ‘Lent’ thing… I guess the religious stuff in general… I mean, I’d never judge or anything, but I’ve never really been all that… into it, you know? I mean, I believe there’s definitely something bigger than us out there, but I don’t really follow any of the big ‘church-y’ guys, ya know?”
He gave me an odd stare for a moment, and I wondered if he knew what I was getting at.
“Well, I mean… it’s how I was raised, you know? Yeah, we only joined the Orthodox church a few years ago, but I like the… the ritual of it, I guess? Makes me feel like I’m doing something right, regardless of whatever other sins I’m committing, I guess.”
His answer was surprisingly telling, and I felt like I’d just gotten to know him a little better.
“Hey, I said I’d never judge. It’s not my place to tell you what to believe. I’m just saying, you always seem pretty… well, not really enthusiastic about the whole ‘Lent’ thing, amongst other things, so I was just gonna say, you don’t…” I found myself blushing for some reason, but went on regardless. “You don’t necessarily have to… anymore.”
“I will take any excuse not to go vegan once a year,” he said with a slight smirk. “But seriously, it’s just… You know, I’ve always gone to church, always tried to believe and do whatever they say is right. Not that I’ve ever been very good at that part,” he added with a snort. I nodded, and reached across the table to take his hand.
“If it makes you happy, then go for it. I’d never try to keep you from something you love.” I realized as soon as the words left my mouth that they sounded like a strike against Kate, even though I hadn’t meant it that way. I shrugged, and left it up to him to take it however.
“Never said I loved the church or anything,” he replied, looking down at our hands. “It’s just, you know, one of those things you do because it’s what you’ve always done. To be honest, I think I’ve maybe… always wanted and tried to believe more than I really did.
“And that’s okay, too. If you want to explore, see if you can find something you believe in without trying to, I’ll be there to help. Whatever makes you happy.”
“I think…” He looked up at me and smiled, for once his emotions painted all across his face. “Yeah, I think that would be good. You know, you’re alright, Carrick.”
“Yeah, yeah,” I replied, trying not to grin too much like a lovestruck fan. “You’re al–”
I was cut off by the sound of his phone. He jumped a little and pulled it from his pocket. His smile dropped.
“Oh, it’s–um, it’s Kate. I should probably… since she called earlier…” He pushed his chair back and stood up; I blinked, then sat back in my chair. I had never exactly hated Kate before, but…
“Yeah, of course.” I stared at my plate, picking at my food and stubbornly not watching him step outside.
Two steps forward, one step back. I took a deep breath, trying not to let my mood be ruined, but my nerves were on edge. And the longer he stayed outside, the worse I felt. When he finally scurried back in, I felt physically ill.
“Um… sorry about that. Where were we?”
“So what’d she want?” I asked, ignoring his question.
“Just to check in.” He shrugged. “Let me know how the kids are doing and stuff.”
I nodded, chewing slowly. “So no news yet.”
“No, not… um, not yet. I mean, I don’t even know how much can really happen while I’m away, you know? But when I get home… maybe, um, maybe on our next break…”
“Yeah, okay,” I sighed, shaking my head. I hated how upset I was, hated that I couldn’t push away the nagging voice in the back of my head. Zac sighed, frowning, and I mentally kicked myself.
“Care, I’m sorry. I just, I don’t know what else to tell you. It’s not gonna happen overnight, but that doesn’t… Nothing changes the way I feel about you, okay?”
“Yeah, I know. I’m sorry, it’s just…” I sighed, still not looking up. “I know what you told me, and I know it’s gonna take time, it just… It doesn’t feel like anything’s really changed,” I finished, lowering my voice. “I’m still just ‘the other guy’.”
“You are so much more than that, and you know it,” he said softly. “It’s not like that, it’s never been like that. You know I don’t just–I mean, I’m not a cheater. Not like that. I don’t… I don’t take this kind of thing lightly, and I’m not taking this, between us, lightly. But I am, you know, in new territory here.”
“I know,” I said, sitting back in my seat. “And I really am trying to be patient here. But you’ve gotta look at it from my side. A guy I’m dating says he’s getting a divorce, but doesn’t show any actual progress towards it. If I was a chick, I’d be on some Lifetime movie crying about how ‘he’s going to leave his wife for me, I know he is!’ I’m trying to give you the benefit of the doubt, but you’ve gotta give me something to go on. Faith can only carry so far.”
I took a long, deep breath. It was a lot to unload on him, but the analogy had been weighing on my mind for a while now, and it felt oddly good to get it out in the open. Still, the way he stared at me was less than reassuring.
“I don’t… I don’t know what else to tell you, Carrick. It just is what it is for now, and I know it doesn’t look good.”
“I know.” I looked away. How had this night crashed so hard? I knew the answer, of course, but it felt better somehow to leave it unsaid, even in my own mind. “Look, just… Just forget I said anything, okay?” I took his hand in mine again, hoping to salvage something good. “We’ll get through this.”
“Yeah, we will,” he echoed, giving my hand a gentle squeeze. “And I’m sorry. I know this isn’t really how you wanted things to be, but I’m just… I’m just glad you want me, too.”
“Of course I want you, Zac. You honestly think I’d be here, that I’d be breaking pretty much every rule I’ve set for myself to be with you, if I didn’t want you?”
“Well, no… of course not. I just hope I’m worth all the trouble, that’s all.” He gave me a weak smirk, and I wanted to kiss him right then and there.
“You are.”
“I hope so.” He smiled, blushing a little, then cleared his throat. “So, uh… should we get out of here? Head to the party?”
“Sure.”
Zac stood first and offered his hand. There were so many things we were leaving unsaid, the biggest of all seeming to loom closer and closer on the horizon. I had all but obliterated almost every line I’d drawn in the sand. As much as I wanted to let go, I still had my guards up, whatever was left of them. I could practically see him tiptoeing around the same invisible barrier; I wondered which of us would be the first to cross it. But either way, it was clear there was already no turning back.