Carrick
From the minute we rolled into Tulsa, I had a bad feeling. It was that kind of weight in your stomach, when you just know something is going to go horribly wrong, but you have no idea what. I did my best to ignore it all morning, but the closer we got to our destination, the stronger it got. And the worst part was, while I couldn’t possibly predict the details, I had a pretty good idea what it centered around.
“Hey, Tay,” I said, slipping into the booth across from him. He was on his laptop as usual, but closed it and gave me his full attention.
“Hey, Carrick. What’s up?”
“I need a favor.” I looked out the window for a second at the rolling green hills passing by. “Do you think it’d be cool if I stayed with you during the break?”
“I… yeah, of course. Is everything… okay?” There was something in the way he looked at me, something a lot like sympathy. The feeling in my stomach grew a little worse, but I shook my head and smiled.
“Yeah, everything’s fine. I just figured Zac… well, him and Kate probably have a lot to talk about. Probably a good idea to give them some space.”
“R-right…” There was that look again, as he nodded slowly. “Yeah, sure. You know you’re always welcome at our place,” he added with a smile that seemed almost natural.
“Right.” I chewed my lip for a second, debating the pros and cons of just voicing my concerns; if there was anyone I could trust to be honest with me, it was Taylor. Well, him and Zac… maybe. But the more I thought about it, the less confident I felt about what kind of answer I’d receive.
“Okay. Thanks, Tay. For that, and just… for being a good friend, I guess.”
“Of course,” he replied, with a much more genuine smile. He was an alright guy. If I hadn’t fallen for Zac years ago, I might have even crushed on him a little. Small consolation, but at least he was there for me when I needed him. And I had a sinking feeling that wasn’t too far off.
A couple hours later, the sprawling fields and cattle ranches started to give way to the outskirts of civilization. Everyone was doing their own thing; Taylor was packing up his cameras and other electronics from the spare bunks, Isaac was sitting in the back reading, and Zac was up front, scrolling on his phone.
“Hey,” I said as I took a seat and set a can of soda on the table in front of him. “So, I was thinking.”
“Huh? About what?” He looked up and tucked his phone in his pocket. He smiled at me, so sweetly, that it almost made the knot in my stomach go away… almost. I took a deep breath and stared down at my hands.
“I’m… gonna crash at Tay’s. Give you and Kate some time to… work stuff out.”
“Oh,” he replied, sounding surprised. “I mean, I just thought… you always stay with me.”
You always stay with me. Even though he’d meant the words literally, their metaphorical truth hit me deep. I always stood by him, no matter how many fights we had, how many times we’d butted heads; how many times he’d taken our friendship for granted. Sure, I’d walked away before, but never for very long, and we both knew it every time.
“I know,” I said, nodding. The disappointment on his face was endearing as ever, and I couldn’t help smiling a little, despite the conflicting thoughts. “I just figured, me being around might make things… complicated. You’ll call me though, right? When things are… settled?” I didn’t want to say the word ‘divorce’. I didn’t want to see whatever his reaction to it would be, if any. If that was chicken of me, oh well.
“I guess,” he replied, heaving a sigh. “That makes sense. Probably not a good idea to have you two under the same roof right now. Maybe… maybe we can get together later or something?”
“Of course. You know where to find me.”
“Yeah.” He gave me another smile, but there was a hesitance to it. “I’ll, umm, I’ll give you a call?”
“Sure.” I leaned over to give him a kiss; it was simple and sweet, like our relationship should have been. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that nothing is ever simple.
Zac
I was in something of a daze for the rest of the trip back to Oklahoma. It wasn’t just the revelation of Kate’s affair; something else was nagging at me, and I couldn’t quite figure out what. I never really believed in premonitions or anything. But I knew that something bad was about to happen, and there probably wasn’t anything I could do to stop it.
It didn’t really surprise me that Carrick didn’t want to stay at my house while we were in Tulsa. I could see how awkward that would be, even leaving everything with Kate aside. And what sort of asshole would I be if I brought my boyfriend into the house I shared with my wife? Even I had some limits. I knew I was an asshole, but I didn’t think I was that much of an asshole.
It did bother me, though. I could feel him pulling away from me, even though I couldn’t fully understand why. Still, I was sure it was happening. I wasn’t imagining it. The fact that he had made plans, without me, to stay at Taylor’s only solidified my belief that things still weren’t all right between me and Carrick.
After talking to him about his plans, I briefly considered texting my wife. I supposed she did need to know when to expect me back at home. Then again, did I really owe her that courtesy? After what I had just learned about her… I wasn’t so sure that I did.
I tucked my phone back into my pocket and instead called out to Bex to see if I could hitch a ride home with her. She huffed and puffed and pretended I would really be putting her out, but after a moment she agreed.
All too soon, we were back in Tulsa, unloading the bus. I tried not to notice how Carrick immediately glued himself to Taylor’s side, barely even taking time to say goodbye to me before we parted ways. Then again, a goodbye would have felt too final. We would see each other before this little break in the tour was over. Wouldn’t we? I was becoming less and less certain with every second that passed.
The drive back to my house was fast, fast enough that I really didn’t have much time to plan out how I would confront Kate… or if I would. Maybe her guilty conscience would be eating her up inside and she would admit to her indiscretions before I could even hint that I knew about them. Maybe somehow everything would just work out the way it was supposed to.
Then again, maybe not.
Bex offered to help me unload my suitcases, but I declined. I had only brought two of my smaller bags back with me, and I could lug those into the house on my own. As for the house, it was eerily quiet, the sound of the door slamming behind me the only thing breaking the silence at all. I walked through the laundry room, into the kitchen. No one. No noises at all.
The kitchen was a mess, which wasn’t really like Kate at all; at least, it wasn’t like her when I was gone. She often claimed that I was the cause of all the messes in our house, and she was probably right about that. Except right then. The counter was covered in dirty dishes, and the sink was piled high with them. Three things stood out to me immediately—an empty wine bottle and two dirty glasses. I didn’t know much about wine, but I knew that had been an expensive bottle, one we had splurged on but hadn’t found an opportunity to open.
Apparently Kate had found an opportunity, and seized it.
Before I really had time to analyze that, I finally heard the sound of tiny footsteps headed down the stairs, followed shortly after by Shepherd and Junia calling out.
“Daddy, Daddy!” Junia flung herself at me, wrapping her tiny arms around my legs with such force that I nearly fell over.
I grabbed the edge of the counter to steady myself. “Hey, baby girl. Where’s Mommy?”
“Right here,” Kate said, appearing out of thin air to lean against the doorframe.
She looked harried, like the kids were driving her nuts, but part of me wondered if it was just an act. Maybe I was being too hard on her. I glanced back at the wine glasses. Maybe I wasn’t.
I turned back to Kate, and the look on her face said it all. It wasn’t guilt, exactly; I couldn’t quite put a name to it. But I knew that my suspicions were true.
“Kids,” she said. “Why don’t you go find those drawings you did for Daddy? You were really excited to show him, right?”
They scampered off then, thankfully not suspicious at all. I stared at Kate, hoping she would speak first, but after a long, awkward pause I finally accepted that she wasn’t going to.
“You’re cheating on me,” I said, hating how dumb I sounded. Of course she was. Why did it even need to be said?
She crossed her arms over her chest. “Don’t say it like that. That sounds so… so tawdry.”
“Well, isn’t it?”
“It is what it is,” she replied, shrugging. “What are you expecting here? You obviously already know, or think you know, what’s happening. So what do you want me to say, Zac?”
“I had imagined you might start with an apology,” I said honestly.
“An apology? For what, Zac?” Kate asked, raising an eyebrow accusingly. “I’m sorry you found out however you found out, but that’s all I can say. Are you really surprised? You talk about wanting another kid, but when was the last time you even touched me?”
“I’ve been on tour, Katie. I’m good, but not that good.”
She rolled her eyes. “Yeah, and you’re barely here even when you are physically present.”
“So you’re blaming me for this,” I said, swallowing around the lump in my throat. Was I any better than her? Of course not. But I couldn’t understand this at all. She showed no remorse whatsoever. No emotion. Nothing.
“No, I’m telling you that you shouldn’t be surprised. That this was bound to happen. We’re not working out, Zac. We haven’t been for a long time. Don’t tell me you didn’t see that.”
“I didn’t,” I replied weakly.
But I had, hadn’t I? At least, that was what I had told Carrick. But it wasn’t like this at all, not even in my lies.
“I think… I think I should probably go,” I finally managed to croak out. “I’ll stay at the old apartment, I guess. But this isn’t over.”
“Actually, I would say it is,” Kate shot back.
“Yeah,” I replied. “I guess it is.”
I picked up my suitcases slowly, almost hoping she would stop me and tell me this was all a joke. But I knew it wasn’t. This was really it—the end of my marriage. I didn’t know why that bothered me so much, when I had spent weeks assuring Carrick it already was over, when I really didn’t even know how right I was. I supposed it was the fact that none of this was on my terms that bothered me. I thought I had everything under control, but it was clear that I didn’t, not at all.
I walked to my truck in a fog, loaded the suitcases in the back and climbed into the driver’s seat. I stared back at the house, trying to understand what had happened just then. I knew, deep down, that I had no right to be angry with Kate, especially when what I had done was just as bad. Not that I would ever admit that to her, of course. Then again, I wasn’t so sure it would even hurt her to find out I had cheated.
She was just so… matter of fact. Emotionless. We were simply over, end of story, no questions asked. Well, I had a lot of questions, but no one to ask.
Not knowing what else to do, I pulled my phone from my pocket and scrolled through my recent calls until I found the name I was looking for, the only one I thought could possibly help me make sense of my life right then.
Carrick.
Carrick
When we got into Tulsa, I kept my goodbye to Zac brief. Not that we had much time anyway; as soon as the bus stopped everyone started grabbing their bags and splitting off to their waiting cars and/or wives. Kate wasn’t there, but I don’t think anyone had expected her to be. Natalie was, but Taylor let me know he’d called ahead, and she welcomed me with open arms. I’d always liked Natalie, despite all the rumors. However she and Taylor had started, they made a good team, and she had a good heart.
It didn’t take me long to get settled in their guest room, and after that I was pulled into the kitchen for lunch with the whole family. It made for a great distraction, as I listened to the kids update daddy on every little thing they’d done over the past couple months.
Unfortunately, the distraction didn’t last long enough. Once lunch was over the kids ran off to play, Taylor and Natalie retreated to the living room to watch a movie, and I was left to my own devices. I thought about watching something on the tv in the guest room, but after flipping channels for a bit I turned it off. I checked my watch, surprised at how early in the afternoon it was.
I wondered what Zac was doing, and then chided myself for being so pathetic. But when my phone rang, Zac’s personal ringtone echoing in the quiet room, I picked it up almost immediately.
“Hey,” I breathed out, trying not to sound as desperate as I felt.
“H-hey, Care,” he said, his voice broken, and my heart sank.
“You okay?”
“I just… I just need to see you. Can we… I don’t know, meet up or something?”
“Yeah, of course. You want me to come over?” I wasn’t sure if Taylor would be able to give me a ride, but I could always take a cab. Or just walk.
“No!” he practically yelped, and I blinked. “I mean, no, that’s not… I don’t even want to be here right now.”
“Um… okay…” Something was very, very wrong. Maybe they’d had a fight, or something, but he was obviously upset. I could practically hear the tears in his voice. “Well, I’m still at Tay’s, so you wanna come get me?”
“Yeah,” he said after a sniffle. “I can do that. I’ll be there in a few.”
“I love you,” I said softly, as if those words could fix anything. I was starting to realize they couldn’t, not all the time.
“Love you, too,” he replied, his voice breaking, and then the line went dead.
I let out a deep breath. I felt nauseous, the anxiety from the morning returning all at once. I tried to keep myself calm, but there were too many warning signs, too many pieces that were starting to line up. I went out to the living room, keeping an eye on the window. Taylor and Natalie looked up, and in Tay’s eyes I saw the same sympathy from before. Part of me wished I had talked to him about it that morning, but it was too late now. I got a text from Zac saying he was there, and with a quick nod to Tay and Nat, I headed outside.
I smiled despite my worries as I walked up to his truck, but as soon as I opened the door it flipped to a deep frown. Zac looked horrible, his hair slightly mussed, his eyes red and watery.
“Babe? What’s wrong?”
“Everything?” he offered, looking over. I hopped into the truck and pulled him into a hug, rubbing his back. “It’s okay, babe, I’m here. It’ll be okay.”
“I just… I just don’t see how it can be,” he said, tensing up.
“What happened?” I sat back in my seat to look at him; he sniffled, hiccupping a bit as he tried to answer.
“I… I mean, I know I’m just as bad, I do. But like, she didn’t even try to deny it or hide it, or anything.”
“Try to deny what?”
“Kate, she… she was…” He turned away, staring out the window. “For months. She’s been seeing this guy.”
“Oh.” It wasn’t what I’d expected to hear at all. “But… I mean, that sucks, but like…” I frowned; something wasn’t adding up. Zac looked… heartbroken. “You were already splitting up, so…”
Zac didn’t say anything, but a few tears started to roll down his cheeks. I reached over to wipe them away, my heart aching for him, even though I was growing more confused by the moment.
“Hey, that just means it should go pretty quick, right?”
“Yeah, well.” He closed his eyes for a moment, still staring straight ahead when he opened them again. “She made it very clear that it won’t be contested or anything. I guess she and Trevor have it all figured out already.”
“I thought you had it figured out already.”
“I thought I did too,” he said softly, hanging his head.
“I feel like I’m missing something here.” I pulled back, and even I couldn’t ignore the edge in my own voice. “Been feeling like that for a while, actually.”
“I don’t… I don’t know what to tell you.” He looked at me finally, but with a blank stare I couldn’t begin to read. He was hiding something, I was positive of it now, more than ever.
“How about the truth?” I snapped, narrowing my eyes.
“What do you want to know? My marriage is officially over. That’s supposed to be good news for us, isn’t it?”
“Right… officially.” I stared at him, turning the word over in my mind. “Because before, it… wasn’t?”
“It… I mean…”
And there it was. Suddenly, everything made far too much sense. I felt sick.
“It what, Zac.”
“Does it even matter now?” he asked, his dejected, almost desperate tone in stark contrast to my own emotionless, almost robotic deadpan. “It’s over. Done. Finished. Nothing standing in our ay but the paperwork.”
“I thought that was where we started,” I said, my voice cracking on the final word.
The guilt was painted on his face clear as day as he stared back at me. The air between us thickened, the silence deafening.
“I… Care, I just. I love you so much. That’s true, you have to know that’s true.”
“Zac.” I couldn’t breathe. There was a weight on my chest, pressing harder and harder with every word he said. “Please, just… the truth. All of it.”
He closed his eyes, a few more tears squeezing out from under his lashes. I felt the ever-present urge to wipe them away, but I resisted. Not this time.
“It wasn’t… Things weren’t as close to being over as I… as I led you to believe. But I swear, I wanted to leave her. I did. I was going to.”
I looked away, a fist to my mouth. I could feel a tear rolling down my own cheek, but I ignored it.
“I never meant to…” he went on, but his voice sounded distant to my ears. “I mean, I know I did mislead you, but everything else… everything about how I feel about you. All of that is the truth, I swear.”
I closed my eyes, but that didn’t stop the tears from falling. I tried to swallow past the lump in my throat. “You lied to me,” I whispered, my voice breaking anyway.
“I… I guess I did.”
“I knew it.” I gave a sad snort, shaking my head. “I didn’t wanna believe, but…”
“But I didn’t… I didn’t do it to hurt you. I was trying, I don’t know, to spare you. Does it even matter? It’s the truth now. My marriage is over.”
I couldn’t do this.
“Good for you,” I said, my hand already on the door.
“No,” he said, grabbing my arm. “It’s really not. I mean, it’s what I wanted, but not like this. Not if I lose you, too.”
I stared down at his arm, then up at his face, and something in me snapped. The… arrogance. Not only had he played me for a fool the whole time, but he still thought he could have his way. I felt my temperature rise, fury boiling up along with the tears. I yanked my arm out of his grip, surprising both of us.
“You used me, Zac! Took what you wanted, and fuck what anyone else wants.”
“No,” he said, shaking his head and crying again. “No, that wasn’t… that wasn’t it at all. I just… I didn’t know what else to do.”
“Right,” I snapped, a sad laugh coming with the word. “Because telling the truth never occurred to you.”
“And if I had? You made it pretty clear how you felt about me being married.”
“Right. And that would have gotten in the way of you getting what you want. Because that’s what everything is all about, right? Making sure Zac Hanson has his fucking way.
“That’s not… I didn’t say that. Why is it so bad that I love you and I want to be with you?”
“You lied to me!” I shouted, loud enough to make him jump. “That’s not love, that’s selfish!”
“Carrick, no… I…”
“Save it for someone dumb enough to believe you.” I shook my head and got out of the truck, pausing with my hand on the door. I glanced back; I couldn’t fully look him in the eye. Not anymore, and maybe… not again.
“I gave up everything for you,” I said, not caring how broken my voice sounded. I felt broken, in every sense of the word. “That’s the really sad part. I compromised everything I stood for, everything I said I’d never do. Because I loved you.” I paused; the word had come out in past tense, maybe subconsciously. It was too late to take it back… if I even wanted to. I wasn’t sure I did. I wasn’t sure of anything anymore. “Because that’s what love is, Zac. It’s giving yourself up for someone else.”
“I’m… I’m so sorry, Carrick,” he whispered. “I don’t know what else to say or do.”
There wasn’t anything left to be said or done. It was… over. I nodded once, then turned and headed back inside, determined not to let him see me crumble.
I had no doubt I looked like a mess. Natalie was nowhere to be seen, but Taylor didn’t even try to hide that he’d been watching from the window. He gave me a look of such… pity, that I felt sick all over again. It wasn’t his fault. He actually cared, I knew that much was true. But I had to do this on my own. I’d been stupid enough to fall for Zac’s games, and this was the price I had to pay.
I managed to make it to the guest room, locking the door behind me, before I let myself fall apart.