web analytics

“So what’s the big deal?” Cordelia asked as she sat on Avery’s bed and shut the laptop they had been using to browse that messageboard again. The same one Avery had browsed last night and one she wanted to look at again after getting back from going to dinner and a movie with Cordelia. “The fans speculate all the time about shit you knew that.”

“I did but they have pictures of me kissing Paisley and if they reach the right people I am screwed,” Avery stated as she looked over at Cordelia. “My parents will disown me and half of my siblings could do the same.”

Cordelia laughed softly at Avery’s words, resting her head on Avery’s shoulder, “I doubt that will happen. You’re Avery their good child or well semi good. They won’t disown you just because you like girls. I mean heck they haven’t disowned you because you have two lesbian friends.”

Looking down at Cordelia’s words, Avery blushed slightly, “They don’t really know that you and Juniper are lesbians,” she revealed feeling awful for keeping that secret from her family too but again she also knew they’d never accept her being friends with girls who were lesbians. They’d make her get new friends or try too.

“What?!” Cordelia questioned sounding stunned. “You’ve kept mine and Juniper’s sexuality a secret from your family for years?”

Avery nodded as she raised her head, giving Cordelia a guilty little smile, “They’d freak over that too trust me. They’re religious and they may not be Evangelical anymore but they sometimes still hold onto the roots of what they were taught. That and orthodoxy isn’t that accepting of same sex attraction either. Being orthodox they’d just rather me become a nun then give into my urges,” she explained knowing that even with her family being Eastern Orthodox they’d still never accept her or her friends.

“I kept it a secret so I could keep you and Juniper as friends Cordy,” she sighed as she finished her argument for why she had kept such a huge secret.

Cordelia who had remained silent only moved her head from Avery’s shoulder, “You know one of these days they are going to find out your secrets? I mean Taylor and Isaac almost did because of that messageboard. It’s better if you just rip the band aid off and tell them now.”

“It would be better but I can’t. I have to keep this part of myself, my sexuality and my friends’ a secret. At least until I’m comfortable,” Avery told her as she reached out softly to push some hair behind Cordelia’s ear. “I mean you remember how nervous you were before you came out to your parents don’t you?” she asked with a tiny laugh remembering a conversation similar to this just last year when Cordelia who had been out to Juniper and Avery since 2005 decided to come out to her parents.

A decision that was made in a hotel room in Connecticut where Cordelia had joined her on the mini tour her brother’s had embarked on. Helping her watch the babies then because that had been her job while her dad and Jessica helped with merchandise and other fan stuff.

“I’m surprised you remember that,” Cordelia stated with a smile now. “I mean that was exactly a year ago this month. Figured your brain which has probably been everywhere this year would have forgotten that.”

“I’d never forget something that was a big milestone decision in my friends life,” Avery stated as she locked eyes with Cordelia, seeing her smile falter some at the use of the word friend.

“Yeah but it was my life and my milestone decision not yours and I guess I just figured you would have forgotten it.”

“Well you thought wrong Cordy,” Avery reassured her as she leaned in kiss Cordelia’s cheek, though her mind soon went to that night instead of staying there in the room with Cordelia.


Avery who was laying in bed next to Cordelia the night after her brother’s show, yawned as she closed her eyes. Letting the sounds of The Beatles singing I Want To Hold Your Hand, that was playing from her iPod lull her to sleep..or almost to sleep.

The lulling being ruined when Cordelia sat up beside her way too fast. Fast enough that Avery had almost thought she could have been asleep and had a nightmare which had woke her. But when Avery opened her eyes and saw Cordelia staring down at her all manic looking she knew Cordelia hadn’t even been asleep at all.

“Is everything okay Cordy?” Avery asked softly her voice still sleepy sounding because she was sleepy. Her body yearning for the comfort of it.

“No,” Cordelia answered with a shake of her head and now it was Avery who sat up fast, instantly feeling worried that Cordelia was sick or hurt or something and all traces of sleep were now gone from Avery.

“What’s wrong? Are you sick or hurt….please tell me you aren’t sick because germs on tour are bad especially with all the kids and babies,” Avery told her as she began to ramble but if Cordelia was sick then she’d blame herself for even insisting that Cordelia come along on this mini tour to help her watch the babies.

Cordelia laughed though it was a nervous sounding laugh, “No I’m fine sort of. I just had this weird epiphany is all,” she shrugged the manic look disappearing some.

“Weird epiphany?” Avery asked wondering what kind of epiphany Cordelia could have at one in the morning.

“I think I’m ready to tell my parents I’m gay. The idea makes me want to throw the fuck up but it’s time ya know?” Cordelia smiled though she did indeed look nervous. “I’m comfortable with myself now and they may not accept me but I can.”

Smiling as she listened to Cordelia talk Avery reached over for her friends hand, giving it a squeeze. “Then tell them. You have my full support on it and I know you’ll have Juniper’s,” she nodded knowing that Juniper would be behind this too.

Though Juniper had been wanting Cordelia to do it ever since they realized mainly because she had immediately came out to her parents who had readily accepted the fact that their daughter was gay. But Juniper’s parents also weren’t Oklahoma born and raised like Avery’s and Cordelia’s so they weren’t as prejudice.

Cordelia only smiled more as she squeezed Avery’s hand back, her eyes going to their interlocked fingers. Looking at them as if they were her tether and maybe they were Avery guessed. Maybe right now her support and friendship was the only thing keeping Cordelia strong and Avery was sure she’d hate when Cordelia had her first girlfriend because she knew then that her place in Cordelia’s life would get knocked down.

Something that Avery really didn’t want. She’d much rather always be Cordelia’s number one because Cordelia would always be hers. In the platonic way of course.


“Yeah I guess I did think wrong,” Cordelia spoke her voice all wistful sounding and bringing Avery out of her thoughts as she reached for Avery’s hand, squeezing it some. “And I guess I should respect for now what secrets you keep from your family since I kept mine for so much longer after realizing I was gay and you’re new to the whole holy shit I am gay experience,” she teased and her words made both of them laugh. “But I can find out who took those pictures and beat their ass for you.”

Laughing loudly Avery shook her head no even if the prospect of Cordelia beating up someone for her was a nice one.

“No,” Avery stated as she squeezed Cordelia’s hand back. “That wouldn’t be nice even if the person who took the pictures wasn’t too nice in not thinking of me and if I was even fully out of the closet yet,” she stated bitter sounding because she’d probably always be bitter of that. “Can only really hope the rumors die off fast now that those pictures exist.”

“The rumors surely won’t die with captions like the one on Paisley’s picture of you,” Cordelia told her as she let go of Avery’s hand. “That’s all the fans were talking about today. How she called you her moon and that it must mean you’re dating. You should really tell her that she needs to make her stuff private if you want the rumors to die down.”

Nodding Avery sighed, “I know,” she said knowing she would have to do it. “But that means telling her who my brothers are.”

Cordelia laughed at that, “Of course you haven’t told her. You really are just full of secrets Avery Laurel Hanson.”

“It’s not like I meant to keep this a secret. Just at first I guess I was leery she was a fan, you know I don’t really trust fans. With good reason obviously,” Avery muttered as she thought of the messageboard. “Anyway the first time with Paisley was only supposed to be a one time thing just to experiment and see if I did indeed like girls. But then it just kept happening.”

“I don’t get why it just kept happening. It’s not like she’s that attractive and she’s kind of boring to hang around,” Cordelia mused a bitter edge to her voice. “Nor do I even get why you chose a total fucking stranger to experiment with. You could have just asked me.”

Rolling her eyes Avery should have known the topic of Paisley would make Cordelia bitter. It always did.

“Because I know I’m probably not your type Cordy. I didn’t want to go to you and ask if we could experiment just to end up looking like an idiot when you said no.”

“But that’s the thing Avery, I wouldn’t have said no,” Cordelia whispered and her words made Avery pause. “I would have experimented with you because you are my type.”

Feeling shocked as she took in Cordelia’s words, Avery stayed silent for what felt like forever though she knew deep down was only the span of minutes. Not even sure what to say at first.

“And what about the person you like who isn’t available?” Avery questioned finally speaking up. “You’d really sleep with me while liking someone else. That isn’t you Cordy.”

Giving an indignant sounding squeak Cordelia glared at Avery, “You really are blind aren’t you? The person I liked was you and I only believed you weren’t available because you know you claimed to be straight and you had just gotten with Jeremy. Now I know different and god damn it you could have just came to me instead of spilling your guts to a stranger who propositioned you in a record store,” she muttered out with a scrunched up nose.

Avery feeling a bit taken aback by her outburst and almost regretting that she had spilled the details of how she had came to end up sleeping with Paisley once they had known she was a lesbian.

Though a lot of things made sense now to Avery as well like Cordelia’s constant anger over Paisley and why she had ran out of the club after finding out.

“I’m sorry,” Avery apologized not even sure what else there was to say but sorry.

It wasn’t like she could rewind and change things even if she had always had a crush on Cordelia from the beginning. A part of her wasn’t even sure she would anyway because Avery couldn’t picture a life without Paisley in it in some form.

“Yeah so am I,” Cordelia nodded her head not looking at Avery now. “Because maybe if I told you sooner I wouldn’t have to watch from the sidelines as the girl I love is falling in love with someone else.”

Frowning at Cordelia’s words, Avery too looked away as she blinked back tears. Hating the heartbreak in Cordelia’s tone as she talked. Hating knowing that she was the cause of it.

“I did have a crush on you,” Avery admitted softly. “That’s the reason why I was confused to begin with because when Jeremy kissed me I wanted it to be you. Hell after the first time with Paisley I wondered what it would be like to have done those things to you instead of her.”

“And you don’t have one on me now do you?” Cordelia asked though it sounded more like a statement. “Not when you light up at the mention of Paisley’s name or smile like a fucking idiot in her presence.”

Letting her frown deepen, Avery closed her eyes because Cordelia was right. The crush she had, had on her friend was gone. Being replaced by the feelings she was trying desperately not to have for Paisley.

“I’m sorry,” Avery apologized again which only made Cordelia shake her head.

“You don’t need to apologize for being in love,” Cordelia told her as she reached up to wipe a few tears that had escaped and were going down her cheek. “Just…I wish I didn’t have to see you so happy while I’m suffering and I wish it didn’t feel like I was losing my best friend.”

“You’re not losing me though,” Avery reassured her as she reached for her hand. “You’re always going to be my number one,” she smiled though it felt like it didn’t even reach her eyes.

How could it when she felt genuinely sad for Cordelia right now.

“No I won’t and I’m not. Paisley is your number one right now and I have to live with that,” Cordelia sighed though she let Avery take her hand.

A silence filling Avery’s room after she had said that because maybe they both knew what Cordelia said was the truth which also hurt Avery because hadn’t she always wanted Cordelia to be her number one. Just a year ago she had but things had changed so much in a year it seemed.

“Happy fucking birthday to me,” Cordelia muttered sarcastically before standing from Avery’s bed. “I should just go home before it gets worse,” she sighed before turning to leave and Avery almost wanted to protest but she didn’t.

Instead she just continued to stay silent, watching as Cordelia left almost afraid their friendship would be forever damaged now because of her because in the end maybe it was her fault. If she hadn’t confided in Paisley who was a random stranger and just went to Cordelia instead or if she hadn’t went to Paisley a second time or even a third maybe things would be different.

But still Avery knew she wouldn’t change things not even with what she knew now. Though she did wish for Cordelia’s sake she still had a crush on her because then maybe she’d be able to make Cordelia happy and try something with her and just end the friends with benefits thing with Paisley but she couldn’t.

Wouldn’t even know how right now with the feelings she had for Paisley. Feelings she was trying to curb so badly.

Previous | Next