February 2008
Sitting beside Jeremy in the booth of the restaurant they were at, Avery turned to look at him apprehensively. Both barely touching the food they had ordered or even talking and it had to be apparent to Jeremy that this wasn’t okay or normal.
That two people who were dating should have a lot to talk about. After all Jessica and Joe had been talking non stop barely even noticing the existence of the siblings that they had basically made to come along on this date and it was a tad bit awkward.
But a painful reminder of what she and Jeremy weren’t. They weren’t a couple who could talk much on dates nor were they a couple who even clearly knew what to do well on dates which wasn’t okay especially if they were to keep dating.
Though maybe Avery was the source of everything, maybe it was just her who couldn’t talk and Jeremy was just waiting forever for her to open her mouth. A task which was hard to do much like eating because what she did eat made her feel sick because of her nerves and her literal anxiety over this whole thing.
“You’re nervous,” Jeremy stated keeping his voice low, probably not to ruin whatever conversation Jessica and Joe were having and hopefully also not to let them in on Avery’s problems.
Problems that Avery knew Jessica may not like and probably would take out on her like she had Avery ruining her first date with Jeremy.
“I’m not nervous,” Avery lied a tiny little laugh coming out as she tried to act all shy and girly. An act just like most things with Jeremy were nowadays.
Jeremy only gave her a frown at that, “Why are you lying to me for Avie, it’s written on your face as plain as day,” he told her and Avery felt her cheeks getting hot. Knowing she was blushing because she felt like Jeremy was scolding her for lying.
Avery took several deep breaths before shaking her head, “I just….I’m sorry,” she apologized before moving from her seat and heading outside so that she could breath fresh air because once again she felt like she had been suffocating.
Though Avery knew her coming out here like she had would probably make Jessica mad but she didn’t care. She just needed the air before she had a panic attack again like she had with Paisley when she had been afraid Calliope would out her to Juniper.
Something Avery was still afraid of but something Calliope hadn’t seemed to do yet. So maybe then she had panicked for nothing but now it seemed warranted. She just couldn’t do this dating thing with Jeremy, couldn’t pretend to be something she wasn’t which was in love with him truly. Not like he deserved.
“Avie,” Jeremy’s voice sounded and Avery turned seeing that Jeremy followed her outside. “Why are you nervous? Something’s been off since I kissed you on our first date and I’m not an idiot. I want the truth now.”
Looking away from Jeremy, Avery frowned as she felt tears coming to her eyes though she tried her best to keep them from coming out.
“I’m not in love with you Jeremy,” Avery sighed deciding to just be honest and get to the point. “I realized that when you kissed me and I thought of someone else.”
Jeremy instead of looking sad after her confession gave a small smile, “Thank god,” he spoke sounding clearly relieved which made Avery look at him curiously. “I’ve been in the same boat for days but didn’t want to say because I was afraid of hurting you.”
“Wait what?!” Avery exclaimed feeling a bit shocked by Jeremy’s revelation of feeling the same way. “You were thinking of another girl when we kissed?”
Shaking his head Jeremy kept his smile, “A boy. I was thinking of a boy. I’m gay Avery and I was so afraid to tell you.”
Listening to him Avery just fell silent, again being taken aback at his words because they were not what she had been expecting. That he was gay. No maybe about it but gay plain and simple, especially when she knew he too came from a conservative christian family.
His dad was a fucking preacher so that had to be big for him to be so open with her and so sure that he was indeed gay.
“I wasn’t thinking of another boy,” Avery finally broke the silence she had created. “I was thinking of Cordelia,” she confessed as her cheeks once again got hot finally admitting this out loud to someone she knew and not some stranger. “I think I…I might like girls.”
“Might?” Jeremy asked as if he didn’t believe her and Avery really was sure that she must have lesbian for sure stamped on her forehead.
Looking down she shrugged, “I do like girls,” she sighed finally saying what she knew and what was true. “I like girls a lot more than I like boys.”
“Yeah I figured as much,” Jeremy smiled as he nudged her shoulder playfully. “You just have this thing about you.”
“So I have lesbian stamped on my forehead?” Avery asked with a raised eyebrow feeling tons better now that the truth was out between her and Jeremy. Even some truths she had no clue had existed until tonight.
“Yeah it’s right here,” Jeremy teased her as he pointed to a spot on her forehead and Avery laughed as she pushed his hand away.
Falling silent again Avery looked down at the sidewalk. Knowing she still didn’t want to go back inside with Jessica and Joe. Not wanting to feel weird around the actual in love straight couple and a part of her almost felt like Jeremy didn’t want that either.
“So how about ditching this place?” Avery asked as she looked back up at Jeremy. “My friends are at some gay club for a theme night and maybe we can go?”
Jeremy looked conflicted as he looked back into the restaurant where Jessica and Joe still were, “And what about them?”
“Send them a text saying we wanted to ditch and have our own date,” Avery told him with a smile. “I’ll call a cab while you do,” she said reaching for her cell phone only after Jeremy nodded his head saying he’d go along with that lie.
Which maybe it wasn’t so much a lie. It was a friend date between two not straight people. Two people who were no longer dating which made her happy but coming up with an excuse for why they broke up would be hard. Especially with her family but maybe they could come up with something together, later at some point.
“You didn’t have to pay for the cab ride,” Avery told Jeremy as they walked into the club where apparently it was eighties night or so the sign had said anyway. “I could have.”
Jeremy shrugged as he reached for Avery’s hand, “Next time we take a cab together you can pay,” he smiled and Avery returned it as she squeezed his hand. Feeling a bit nervous as they both came to a stop before they reached the crowd of people on the dance floor, dancing to the eighties music which was blaring.
Avery feeling butterflies in her stomach because this was huge of her being in a gay club. But she had Jeremy by her side and it made her feel a little better and as she glanced over at him she could see he looked just as nervous and she figured this was probably his first time being in a place like this too.
A part of her wondering if he had ever even been with a boy or there was just one that he liked and he hadn’t experimented like she had.
Spotting her friends in the crowd, Avery slowly let go of Jeremy’s hand, “I’m going to go to my friends,” she told him over the music before finally moving to go to her friends. The butterflies in her stomach getting a bit worse as she did so because again this was huge for her.
Being here in a gay club and going to her friends. Friends who would more than likely realize why she was here. That Avery indeed identified as not so straight. That maybe she was like they always suspected a lesbian.
“Avery?!” Cordelia questioned once Avery was in sight of where Juniper, Cordelia and Calliope were at. The only missing piece of the group who was supposed to be here but wasn’t was Paisley and Avery had to admit she was a bit disappointed at that.
“Hey,” Avery smiled as she reached where her friends were, still feeling nervous and like maybe she was going to be sick. A part of her so unsure lately why she kept having so much anxiety when she never had before. Not even when her paintings had been put up in galleries and she had to face a ton of people.
“Hey is all you say?” Juniper spoke with a raised eyebrow, clearly looking confused. “No explanation on why the I’m straight Avery Hanson is standing here and not out on her date with Jeremy.”
Avery blushed as she gave her friends a little sheepish smile, “Maybe I’m not that straight,” she admitted with a shrug. “Jeremy isn’t either and we both admitted that to each other tonight and decided to ditch the date.”
After her revelation to her friends Avery stood there holding her breath as she felt worried for how they would react. Even if all of them were lesbians too maybe they’d hate her for finally admitting it after so many denials.
“Well it’s about time you admitted that,” Calliope spoke first as she reached out and pulled Avery into a hug. “I was really hating having to keep from Junie that I knew the truth.”
Before Avery could respond to that, Juniper who had heard what Calliope said spoke up, “What truth where you keeping from me?” she asked and when Calliope pulled away from hugging Avery, Avery saw how confused both Juniper and Cordelia looked as they looked in between both Calliope and Avery.
“That Avery was a lesbian. She probably knows this for sure because she’s been hooking up with Paisley,” Calliope smiled at her own words. “Found out about it Wednesday night actually when I was at Paisley’s apartment and Avery showed up after Paisley had got done telling me she was kicking me out because she had someone coming over for some x-rated fun. Her words not mine. Someone who she had made it clear that she’d hooked up with before.”
Juniper who had remained silent finally looked less confused now and almost looked like she had pieced all the puzzle pieces together and maybe she had.
After all she had just talked to Avery this afternoon and Avery had admitted to cheating on Jeremy with someone and being in love maybe with who she had cheated with. Though of course she had used male pronouns but Juniper wasn’t stupid and probably knew she had been lying or trying to hide things now.
But since the truth was out she had added everything up and realized Avery had meant Paisley this afternoon.
“So Paisley is who you told Juniper about this afternoon?” Cordelia asked a tone of hurt or maybe bitterness apparent in her voice and her words shocked Avery because she hadn’t expected Juniper to tell Cordelia but maybe she should have.
All three girls told each other everything and of course Juniper would have ran to Cordelia with this information on Avery. It was just how things were.
Avery nodded her head in response, “Yeah,” she admitted and after she spoke she stood there now confused herself as Cordelia rushed off in a huff.
Apparently upset over this information though Avery wasn’t sure why she would be. It wasn’t like they were dating or that Avery had cheated on her.
Looking at Juniper, Avery was sure she looked as confused as both Juniper and Cordelia had earlier, “Did I miss something?” she asked because she really felt like she had missed something crucial.
Juniper hesitated slightly before answering Avery, “She’ll be fine,” she spoke though even her words didn’t sound so sure. “I’m going to go talk to her and you stay here with Cal,” she smiled though it didn’t reach her eyes and after she walked away Avery looked over at Calliope feeling a bit uncomfortable now.
“Where is Paisley at?” Avery questioned deciding to do something, anything to try and forget how uncomfortable things were and yet all she could think of doing was asking about Paisley. The girl who had made things uncomfortable even without being present. “She just mentioned before I left her Thursday that she’d be here.”
Calliope just grinned at Avery’s words, “She’s here,” she nodded her head before pointing towards a spot on the dance floor and Avery followed it. Her gaze landing on Paisley who to her resembled Joan Jett just a bit, especially with the tight fitting leather jacket she had on tonight.
“Who’s the redhead she is dancing with?” Avery asked hating the jealousy that was very apparent in her words. A jealousy she didn’t like because she wasn’t even supposed to have feelings for Paisley.
Paisley had warned her their first time together not to fall in love and she had agreed not too. Mainly because of her crush on Cordelia but now things were complicated and maybe she was falling for Paisley…or had already fallen face first into what was probably trouble.
“Ellery Braxton,” Calliope answered with a roll of her eyes. “Her ex-girlfriend who still wants her back and if Paisley takes her back she is a dumbass because Ellery is such a toxic bitch.”
Avery paused at Calliope’s answer, “Ex-girlfriend?” she inquired again knowing she sounded jealous. “But Paisley said she doesn’t do love.”
Calliope laughed out loud, almost like the thought of that was funny to her. “Pai likes to tell herself she doesn’t after all the shit Ellery has put her through but she still does. She does love and she loves so hard when she does. She just needs someone who will treat her like she deserves and not like some worthless person who does everything wrong like Ellery did.”
Staying silent Avery heaved a sigh knowing that she could treat Paisley better than that but a part of her wasn’t sure if Paisley even wanted that or what that even meant for her crush on Cordelia.
Though Cordelia was pissed at her for some reason so maybe things with Cordelia friendship wise would be done too and her crush there wouldn’t matter or maybe Paisley was right and she only wanted Cordelia because Cordelia made her feel safe.
But no, that couldn’t be it. Never not with Cordelia anyway.
Coming out of her thoughts when she felt two arms slide around her neck, Avery took her eyes off Paisley and Ellery, a smile working its way onto her face when she saw Cordelia who despite looking like she had been crying not too long ago was now smiling.
“You still mad at me?” Avery asked as she leaned into her friend. “Because if so I’m sorry for whatever I may have done.”
Cordelia shook her head as she kissed Avery’s forehead softly and Avery’s eyes fell shut even if there was no burning sensation like the kind that Paisley caused her to have. “No, I’m fine now,” Cordelia answered low enough for only Avery to hear. “And I’m so proud that you are being honest with yourself.”
“I’m proud too,” Avery smiled as she opened her eyes to look at Cordelia again. “Feels like a weight has been taken off sort of,” she spoke knowing that at least for now she was partly out and honest with herself but it would be some time before she could tell her parents.
“It always does when one is honest with themselves,” Cordelia nodded her head looking as if now she was the one carrying a weight and Avery wished desperately that Cordelia would tell her what it was but she doubted Cordelia was ready for that.
Not yet anyway and well she’d wait just like she’d wait for Cordelia to eventually tell her about the person she liked who was unavailable.
Smiling Avery let her hands go up to rest on Cordelia’s arms, “So how about dancing with me on the dance floor Cordy?” she asked as her smile grew. “I mean I came here to have fun not be all mopey and depressing. Which we’re being.”
Cordelia laughed finally before giving Avery a tiny nod, “Let’s go dancing then Avie,” she said as she pulled away though her hand soon grabbed onto Avery’s and she lead the way out onto the dance floor.
Avery letting her lead the way and as they began dancing to the Joan Jett song playing. A cover of the song Crimson and Clover, Avery couldn’t help but let her eyes drift over to Paisley who was still dancing with Ellery and a part of her wished they could just swap dance partners.
That Cordelia and Ellery were dancing together so that she could be the one dancing with Paisley. Though that thought left Avery unsettled because she knew what it meant. That she was jealous over Paisley dancing with her ex and really she’d be jealous over Paisley dancing with anyone but she wasn’t at all jealous of Cordelia dancing with anyone.
Even if that person was a hypothetical ex of Cordelia’s which maybe that meant her feelings for Paisley ran deeper than any feelings she had for her best friend.
Blushing slightly when Paisley who probably felt her gaze looked over, giving a brief look of confusion before offering Avery a tiny wink. Avery couldn’t help the smirk she gave her before looking away as her blush grew, not sure she had liked being caught staring but she had liked the wink that Paisley gave after her look of confusion had passed.
Sitting at the bar awhile later, Avery sipped on a diet coke with lots of ice as she watched Cordelia dancing with some brunette who in ways Avery thought resembled her, which was crazy. Had to just be her seeing things though like she suspected it hadn’t made her jealous.
Not in the ways that Paisley dancing with Ellery had made her jealous anyway which Avery knew was wrong. She shouldn’t even care that much, had promised not to fall in love with Paisley yet here she was hopelessly falling or maybe already had.
“Hanson,” Paisley’s voice sounded from beside her and Avery turned to look at her. “Didn’t expect to see you here. Figured the little rebel you had been with me would have been your undoing and gotten you grounded.”
Avery laughed softly as she took another sip of her diet coke, “I meant to text you but it slipped my mind. My mom didn’t ground me so I could go on the date with Jeremy,” she muttered with a roll of her eyes. “But the date kind of went bust when Jeremy and I both told each other we’re gay.”
Paisley laughed loudly at that, her laugh enough to make Avery smile all wide and she was sure she may have looked pathetic if she could see herself.
“Cal filled me in after I got done dancing with Elle,” Paisley nodded her head, Avery feeling a knot of jealousy at how she used a nickname for Ellery. “So I know you’re officially out and no longer lying to your friends or yourself. Just like I know everyone knows we have been having sex.”
“Cal’s the one that outed that,” Avery spoke as she looked away though she kept her smile. “So blame her for everyone knowing the business of your sex life.”
“Oh I do,” Paisley nodded her head. “But it’s just Cal being Cal and I’m used to it.”
Avery paused because in ways she understood, Juniper and Cordelia both being like that too. Especially since Juniper had went to Cordelia and told her about the conversation she had, had with Avery this afternoon. It was almost like nothing could ever stay truly secret which scared Avery.
Because if that was the case then eventually somehow her family would find out about her sexuality.
“So you still love Ellery?” Avery asked though it came out more like a statement which made Avery cringe because she hated being so blunt. “Cal told me about her.”
Paisley smirked at Avery’s words a look of something that Avery couldn’t place on her face. “You jealous if I still love my ex?”
“No,” Avery denied way too fast which seemed to make Paisley smile more.
“You are,” Paisley stated as she leaned in closer to Avery. Close enough that Avery could smell the perfume Paisley wore, something Avery hadn’t known her to do until tonight. “Just like you were jealous over the possibility of me sleeping with Cordelia too,” she whispered reminding Avery of their conversation Wednesday night. “You really shouldn’t be jealous of either of them though. They’re not the ones I want to have sex with.”
Feeling her breath catch at Paisley’s words, Avery locked eyes with her, “Then who’s the one you want to have sex with?” she asked feeling like she already knew the answer to that.
Something that was confirmed when Paisley leaned over and kissed her on the lips softly. Avery swearing that just before their lips had touched she had seen a camera flash go off, a thing she was used to seeing and spotting anywhere after years of dealing with her brothers fans.
But she didn’t ponder on that thought for long as Paisley’s hand rested on the exposed skin of her thigh that the dress she had on tonight didn’t cover. Goosebumps forming when her hand went higher up the dress and Avery had a sinking feeling that even though she came here with Jeremy she wouldn’t be leaving with him.
She’d be leaving with the girl who she was kissing. Someone who was going to get her in trouble with her parents again one way or another.