February 2008
Avery took several deep breaths as she sat outside of the Wright home. It was Wednesday now and the weekend double date with her and Jeremy and Jessica and Joe was coming up but she figured it would be hard to even have a double date if she and Jeremy kept avoiding each other in the days leading up to it.
So here Avery was now outside of the Wright household and she was trying to work up the nerve to go inside and talk to Jeremy. Not even really sure why she was nervous. Maybe it was more like she was afraid that somehow Jeremy would be able to take one look at her and just know that she cheated.
Or that he’d look at her and know she was having issues with her sexuality. Issues that had taken place when they kissed but ones that Avery was now sure had probably been there all along. Even if she wanted to deny that they had been.
Denying was actually something Avery was becoming good at lately it seemed.
Taking a deep breath again Avery finally took her car key out of the ignition and stepped out of the car. Her head turning to look at the porch as she heard the door open.
Jeremy walking outside as he crossed his arms over his chest. “I was wondering if you were going to stay parked outside all day,” he spoke sounding a bit like he was teasing her and he probably was. But Avery just blushed because of course she should have known that he had probably been watching her as she debated with herself on getting out of the car to go talk to him.
“Eh stage fright I guess,” Avery replied back as she walked to porch where Jeremy was now sitting on the steps and she didn’t see how he could stand to be out here in no jacket while sitting what had to be cold steps.
“Stage fright to see your boyfriend?” Jeremy asked with a tiny smirk on his lips. “I don’t know if I should feel offended or not there Avery.”
Avery finally laughed feeling some of the tension inside of her ease, “Not to see you per say. I guess more so because I was ignoring you,” she shrugged as she chewed her lip. “I feel awful for it.”
“It’s fine,” Jeremy said his words surprising Avery some. “I get why you were ignoring me.”
“You do?” Avery asked the surprise she felt showing as her heart rate picked up because maybe he had been able to read and tell that she had cheated. Maybe he had been able to see that she wasn’t sure if she was fully into women or if she still could like men.
Though what Paisley had done to her. Eating her out and fingering her had been amazing and Avery wasn’t sure she even wanted a boy to try that. Which she was positive should have told her everything she needed to know about where she stood on her sexuality.
But again Avery was a Hanson and majority of them were stubborn. It was something her mom always liked to tell their dad they got from him.
“Yeah,” Jeremy nodded his head obviously not picking up on Avery’s inner turmoil. “Our kiss freaked you out,” he said and his words once again surprised Avery because they weren’t what she had been expecting him to say. “I shouldn’t have just kissed you like that. I was too rushed and I’m sorry.”
Shaking her head Avery only frowned, “You have nothing to be sorry for,” she told him as she slowly reached over for his hand. Taking it in her own and as she did so she knew it was a stark comparison to the weekend when she had been sneakily holding hands with Paisley under a table.
Their fingers didn’t seem to go well together nor did his touch make her skin feel like it was on fire like Paisley’s did.
It was enough to make Avery feel guilty and again feel like she was a failure as a girlfriend and in her first real relationship.
“The kiss was unexpected but that wasn’t why I was ignoring you,” Avery sighed as she squeezed his hand. “I’m just going through some stuff and I needed to figure things out.”
Now Jeremy raised an eyebrow as he looked at her and Avery chewed her lip almost wishing she hadn’t said what she did. Hadn’t told him she was going through stuff.
“Have you figured things out yet?” Jeremy asked his voice going a bit softer. Almost like he was afraid of what she was going to say.
“No but I’m sure I’ll figure it out soon enough,” Avery told him honestly or well partly honestly.
She knew she’d figure it out once she decided to stop lying to herself about what she knew was the truth. What she knew could ruin her life as she saw it.
Jeremy only nodded as he remained silent for a bit. Almost too silent.
“You know I’m here if you ever want to talk about whatever it is,” he finally spoke as he moved a bit closer. Leaving a light kiss on her forehead. “I’m your boyfriend and I’ll listen to whatever it is.”
Nodding her head Avery gave him what she hoped was a really good fake smile, “I know,” she told him because she did know he’d listen but she also knew deep down she could never tell him what the real issue was.
Jeremy wouldn’t understand, especially when it was revealed that she had cheated on him. They’d probably never even be able to be friends again after that.
“But you still can’t tell me what’s up?” Jeremy asked though it sounded more like a statement to Avery than an actual question in the end.
Avery shook her head as her fake smile was replaced with a frown, “I wish I could but not right now,” she sighed knowing that was the best answer she could give him. Not right now though she knew the real answer was more like not ever.
“Well when you can I’m here,” Jeremy reiterated as he smiled though it was a sad one. “I’m always going to be.”
Again Avery nodded as she just eyed Jeremy and maybe against her judgement she let herself lean in and close the gap between them. Kissing him on the lips. A kiss that was just like the first one they shared.
It lacked a spark that should be there. Something she had felt with Paisley. But this time as Jeremy responded back to the kiss Avery didn’t pull away. She kept kissing him, hoping that maybe if she kept it up whatever was missing would show up.
But sadly a spark never did and Avery did finally pull away. An action that only made her hate herself because after she did she saw how happy Jeremy looked. How hopefully he looked and Avery knew she couldn’t look that happy or hopeful. Not when she literally still felt nothing romantic with the boy who was supposed to be her boyfriend.
No matter how much she forced herself to try it just wasn’t there. But it was also the look on Jeremy’s face that let Avery know she still didn’t have the nerve to hurt him. Not yet anyway. She was just too nice and hurting Jeremy would kill her because he had been her friend for so long.
“I should go now though,” Avery spoke as she stood up from where she sat on the stairs. “Sort of told me I’d help her with some lunch thing she has with a few of her church friends,” she partly lied.
Her mom was hosting lunch with a few ladies from the church but Avery had never said she would help. Jessica had offered to do that instead and Avery let her because Jessica was probably much better at getting a lot of food ready in a short amount of time.
Better than Avery would be because Avery just sometimes was not good while working under pressure. Unless of course she was working on a painting or a drawing. Then she was good at it if only slightly.
Jeremy nodded as he stood up as well, “See you on Saturday?” he asked almost like he was afraid she wouldn’t show for the double date.
Which of course was a funny idea because Avery knew if she didn’t show up that Jessica would probably be pissed at her. More than she had been a few days ago when confronting her on the first date.
“See you Saturday,” Avery confirmed before turning and leaving. Going back to her car and getting inside.
Though once she was inside and she had started the car up, she didn’t head home after backing out of the Wright family driveway.
Instead she headed somewhere else entirely.
Arriving at the record store Avery parked her car. But just like when she was at Jeremy’s she found herself reluctant to get out.
Mainly because of nerves because she knew why she was here. She was at the record store to deliberately try and see Paisley which was something she knew she probably shouldn’t do. Yet here she was and hell Paisley may not have even worked today.
So maybe she was nervous over nothing. Just nervous to be nervous because she had foolishly ran to see someone she knew she shouldn’t see. Someone who she was only supposed to have experimented with.
Not someone that Avery ran too because her life was still confusing and she felt like she was slowly drowning in a huge ass ocean. An ocean that was threatening to pull her under each and every day. An ocean she really didn’t want to drown in.
Avery wanted to be free but she also knew the costs of being free and that was something she couldn’t do yet. Which meant she probably would drown.
Taking a deep breath Avery finally willed herself to get out of her car. Pocketing her keys once she had and soon headed inside.
Her eyes eventually landing on Paisley not even seconds once she was inside. Their eyes locking from where Avery stood in the doorway and Paisley stood behind the counter.
It was an action that somehow made Avery’s stomach do somersaults which was weird because it wasn’t like she liked Paisley. Paisley was just someone who made her feel safe. Yet her body was reacting like it would if she were Cordelia and she wasn’t.
Avery didn’t like her. Just liked that she could be open with her..that and she liked how good Paisley had been with her mouth and her fingers. A thought that sent a shiver down her spine as well as semi bringing her out of her own head as she walked to the counter slowly.
A blush soon coating her cheeks when she did make it to the counter and she saw the curious look Paisley was shooting her.
“Are you free tonight?” Avery blurted out and the moment the words left her mouth she almost felt silly and a bit pathetic for even asking.
Mainly because she thought she had sounded desperate. “I just need to escape from things for a while and forget how horrible of a girlfriend I am,” she justified her reasons for wanting to hang out with Paisley with a shrug of her shoulders. “I still feel nothing when my own boyfriend kisses me.”
After she confessed the last bit Avery watched as Paisley remained silent for awhile. Though Avery knew from the look on her face and her furrowed brows that she was looking for the right words to say and that was enough to make Avery nervous again.
Not sure what the other girl was about to say to her and also afraid of that as well.
“So basically what you need is for me to get between your legs again?” Paisley asked as she propped her elbow on the counter. Her chin resting on her hand. “Because you’re still in denial about being gay.”
Blushing more at Paisley’s accusations, Avery wanted to open her mouth and say that it wasn’t what she wanted. That she didn’t want Paisley making her orgasm again. That she only needed a friend but Avery knew she couldn’t do that because it would be a lie.
“Yeah I guess that is what I need,” Avery agreed almost hating herself even more. “Need to just be sure I am bisexual.”
Paisley snorted at that as she laughed, “Oh Hanson,” she sighed as she shook her head. “You aren’t bisexual,” she stated still sounding so sure on that. “But I get off at the same time and you can meet me at my apartment. Maybe this time I’ll even let you return the favor and get between my legs.”
At those words Avery swore her mouth went dry and that was probably why she found herself unable to talk. All she could do was nod her head that she understood Paisley’s words before finally turning and leaving the record store with her mind now pretty much in the gutter because of all the images it was filled with.
It’d be a miracle if she made it until she met with Paisley tonight. Avery was pretty sure she’d probably touch herself before then and when she did she was sure to be thinking of herself getting Paisley off like Paisley got her off.