October 2008
“It’s my fault,” Juniper told Avery as she stood with her next to the merch booth in the venue where they were sitting things up for the night. A place where they’d also actually be too most of the night as they had offered to help sell merch for the show.
“How is it your fault?” Avery asked her keeping her voice low because the last thing she needed was one of the many roadies or even her brothers to come along and hear her having a conversation to Juniper about how Cordelia was upset and avoiding her most of the day after catching her with Paisley. “You weren’t the one caught with their pants down literally.”
Juniper chuckled softly at that but stopped when Avery shot her a glare, “No but well I mean I thought Pai was gone so I told her you were in the guest room. I didn’t realize Pai was in there too and you guys were in the middle of having ex sex.”
Avery blushed when Juniper mentioned ex sex, “I was weak okay,” she sighed feeling like she had to defend herself. “I had a moment of weakness and now Cordelia’s ignoring me and hiding god knows where and I should probably make it right with her but I don’t even know where to begin.”
“Just explain things as best as you can,” Juniper told her with a sympathetic smile. “Cordelia knows you have a Paisley weakness maybe she’ll understand.”
“Maybe she will but she’ll be less inclined to want to date me,” Avery retorted knowing that even after the ex sex with Paisley she still wanted to give Cordelia a shot.
Mainly because she could trust her at least whereas she was still leery on trusting Paisley. Especially with Paisley now claiming she didn’t cheat after confessing to doing just that months ago. It was just such a sudden change for what seemed like no reason.
No reason other than she probably just didn’t want Avery angry at her but her going back on the truth semi did make Avery a bit angry even if she had, had sex with her twice in the last twenty-four hours.
“So you’re still going to give Cordy a shot even after sex with Pai?” Juniper asked sounding a bit shocked.
“Sex doesn’t mean we got back together Junie,” Avery sighed with a roll of her eyes. “Like I said it just means I was weak.”
Juniper shook her head as she looked away from Avery, “I swear Avie you really are a mess sometimes but obviously I love you or I wouldn’t keep you around,” she teased as she went back to fixing up the merch booth. “But if you want to make things right with Cordy I think she went to the bus with Isaac not too long ago.”
“Isaac?” Avery asked feeling a bit confused because when did Isaac want to willingly spend time with her friends.
“He was telling her some long winded story,” Juniper shrugged. “Hopefully he is done now so you can fix things with her.”
“Hopefully,” Avery spoke more to herself as she turned on her heel and headed out of the venue and out towards the buses.
Doing her best to avoid looking at the group of fans that had already gathered outside by them just to get any glimpse of her brothers that they could. Some probably being disappointed when they saw her because of course she wasn’t the Hanson they wanted to see.
She was just their sister and what use was she to them? But then again she also knew there were some fans who didn’t mind her presence. Who took pictures of her at events or whenever they could just because she was a sister of three boys who got famous.
Reaching for the bus key she had been given by Bex before departing the buses when they had arrived at the venue. Avery gave a tiny huff when it didn’t accept the key right away.
“Figures,” Avery muttered to herself remembering Bex also mentioning something about how the past few days the keys had been giving them trouble and to try a few times but if it still didn’t work and she knew someone was on the bus then she could knock and be let in.
Trying it two more times with no luck either of those times Avery finally heaved a sigh as she knocked hoping that Cordelia or Isaac one were still on the bus. So she wouldn’t look like an idiot in front of the fans.
Not having to wait that long Avery looked up as the door opened and she was greeted by Isaac.
“I take it you’re looking for your friend?” he asked her with a small smile that showed his lazy eye well.
Avery nodded her head sheepishly, “Is she in here?”
“Left her in the back. Was just going to get off anyway and go inside to make a phone call to Nikki,” Isaac told her before moving off the bus and after he left she quickly snuck inside.
Going down the narrow hallway until she reached the back of the bus where Cordelia was seated on the couch.
“Can we talk?” Avery asked softly when Cordelia turned to look at her. “I really hate this silent treatment you’re giving me and I feel awful for what happened.”
Cordelia laughed though it sounded strained, “You feel awful?! I’m the one who thought maybe I had a shot with you again and I was going to ask you about that tonight after the show but then I get that dream dashed when I walk in on Paisley going down on you,” she spoke in one huff almost as she stood from where she had been sitting. “I feel like such an idiot Avery.”
“But you’re not an idiot,” Avery told her as she felt tears welling up in her eyes some though she really didn’t want to cry.
Not here in the back of her brother’s tour bus.
“Oh then please tell me what I am then?” Cordelia asked with a shake of her head, some of her hair falling into her face and Avery couldn’t help herself, she reached over and moved some away.
“You’re a brilliant amazing girl,” Avery told her with a sad sort of smile. “A girl who I have feelings for and who I want a shot with if you’ll give me one?” she asked blinking some to hold back the tears though it was no use.
Some tears found their way down Avery’s cheek anyway.
Cordelia just stared at Avery for several long seconds, “You’re shitting me right?” she asked softly. “If you really have feelings for me and want a shot with me then why in the hell did I catch Paisley between your thighs this morning?”
“Things are just complicated again with her,” Avery explained not wanting to get into the details of what Paisley had told her because she was sure where Cordelia would stand. Would tell her Paisley was just saying it to get back on Avery’s good side and that it was working. “But I confessed to her that I like you and she just wanted…she wanted one more time of sex.”
“No, what she was doing was her own version of telling me to think twice before I touched you,” Cordelia muttered making Avery want to argue that they hadn’t even known she was there but of course she thought better of it. “Just…I think I need time to deal with what I saw. Get over the jealousy I have towards that bitch again.”
Avery cringed at Cordelia’s words but she nodded her head, opening her mouth to say something but choosing not too when she heard the bus door open and the minute footsteps got closer Avery moved away from Cordelia faster than a bullet.
Turning to see her brother Zac standing there, all three of them just looking at each other as a tension grew when Zac gave them a suspicious look.
Like he could or was trying to figure out why they had parted so quickly. But neither of them were speaking to give it away and it seemed like Zac wasn’t going to ask.
Though when Zac cleared his throat, a forced smile settling on his lips Avery feared that maybe she was wrong.
“You girls hungry?” he asked clearly deciding to ignore the awkwardness of what he walked in on and settling Avery’s nerves. “I was going to walk over to this place called Luna’s a few blocks from here. Vegan food. And you know nobody else on this tour is going to eat that stuff.”
“I’m surprised you do,” Avery told him with a weak smile. Because yeah she knew he hadn’t been eating like he normally did lately but eating vegan was something Avery hadn’t known him to do much of before especially willingly. “Are you sure you’re my brother? Maybe you’re an evil clone.”
“Maybe,” Zac agreed giving her a big grin. “But who says I’m the evil one?” he questioned which made both Avery and Cordelia laugh.
Whatever tension that had been built seemingly being broken at that.
Avery turned to look at Cordelia and they both nodded to each other, coming to an unspoken agreement.
“We’ll go with you,” Avery told Zac as she walked to where he was. “But first we’re going to need to find Junie. Last I saw her was in the venue,” she confessed smiling more easily when Zac agreed to help them locate Juniper.
The three of them leaving the bus together which this time there was some commotion amongst the fans when they saw Zac.
But her brother did what he had somehow grown accustomed too and ignored them as they headed inside to find Juniper.
Locating her fairly quickly as some roadie had her in his sights, trying his best to flirt with her as she did her best to act interested though she wasn’t and once they had her all four of them left to head down the street.
An awkward silence falling over them though Avery oddly felt okay with it. Almost wanted it even if it gave her time to worry about what decision Cordelia would make as she processed her jealousy over Paisley and what she had saw this morning.
The silence though seemed to end when they made it to the restaurant and were seated. Avery and her friends beginning to talk amongst themselves after Zac had offered to pay for them.
Something she was almost thankful for herself because the prices here weren’t cheap at all.
When the waitress came to take their orders all three of them ordered first, Zac going last and Avery raised an eyebrow as she listened to him.
“Just the arugula salad and a lemonade thanks,” Zac spoke as he handed the menu back to the woman.
“That’s all?” Avery asked feeling perplexed at just how little he had ordered. “What happened to my brother the bottomless pit?” she questioned not even sure why today she was questioning him on his eating.
She had ignored it for so long these past few months but maybe it was just the stress on herself. Making her want to place it somewhere else.
Zac shrugged his shoulders, “It’s a big salad. But I don’t wanna stuff myself before soundcheck, otherwise, I’ll just fall asleep at my drums,” he explained.
An explanation that made Avery as well as her friends laugh. Avery deciding then to drop the subject. Turning to look at Cordelia and Juniper as they got started talking about their different college courses they were taking. Avery feeling a bit envious because she still hadn’t really decided yet where she’d go to college or what she’d study.
Just knowing that she had the itch to go to college though and maybe make something of herself. Be something more than Hanson’s little sister or her parents good child.
Avery coming out of her thoughts when Juniper mentioned a political rally on her campus, Avery raising her hand to wave it at Juniper to shush her. “Let’s not start talking politics,” she told her before eyeing Zac playfully. “Don’t wanna upset the conservative over here.”
“Who me?” Zac asked as he eyed her back. “Conservative?”
“You are observing a religious fast day,” Juniper pointed out as she shrugged her shoulders. “I mean no offense but you’re not eating vegetarian for ethical reasons or anything.”
“I like routine,” Zac spoke up sounding honest in his words. “I like the church and I assume Avery does too or she wouldn’t keep coming back to it,” he added on his words making Avery look away from him with a small sigh.
Because of course he’d bring up the fact that she occasionally had gone to the Orthodox church on more than one occasion but that was before…before she knew she was a lesbian and before her mom had told her that she’d be a failure to God if she was.
“Doesn’t mean I’m that conservative though,” Zac defended himself. “I like to keep an open mind even if I don’t agree with everything I see and hear.”
Avery rolled her eyes quickly, “Sure you do,” she told him as she reached across the table to pat his arm. Hoping that deep down he knew she didn’t mean anything by her words.
Sometimes it was just too easy to tease him though.
Zac stayed silent for a bit after that at least until Cordelia and Juniper had went to the bathroom. Then he broke his silence.
“So,” Zac began as he sat his fork down, propping his elbows on the table. “How are things in Avery Land.”
Avery shrugged her first instinct was to just tell him complicated but she knew better than that. “Just enjoying the time to travel and not worry about what I’m going to do next,” she told him instead figuring it was the safer bet.
“Must be nice,” Zac replied as he nodded. “I mean, the not worrying. I know how great the traveling can be. Helps you figure out who you really are doesn’t it?”
Avery gave a small sigh at that because yeah it had indeed helped her. New York especially when she was with Ethan. “Yeah…yeah I guess you could say that.”
“You sure everything’s alright?” Zac questioned again almost like he didn’t believe things were. But Avery just fell silent as she did her best to look away from him.
Not ready to confess all her troubles to Zac because how could she? She wasn’t even out to him yet for fucks sake.
“Never mind,” Zac spoke in her silence as he waved his hand dismissively. “I know you. If something’s wrong, you’ll make sure everybody knows. And you’ll make sure that big brother Zac fixes it for you, I’m sure.”
Avery laughed softly even if it was more of a sad one, “Just as long as you do the same if something’s wrong with you,” she told him even if she suspected neither of them could truly fix the other’s issues.
“I will,” Zac replied but there was a hitch that let Avery know he probably wouldn’t which was fine enough with her.
“Then we’ve got a deal,” Avery told him right before Cordelia and Juniper came back from the bathroom. The conversation they were having being put to an end.
After lunch was over and Avery was walking back to the venue with her friends Avery maybe purposefully chose to walk by Zac. Letting Juniper and Cordelia lead the way because maybe she was hoping she and Zac could talk again.
Something she was afraid to start but knew she was going to have too when Zac nudged her, obviously having sensed that she wanted to talk.
“Hey, Zac,” Avery spoke softly not wanting her friends up front to hear. “What if, after all this traveling, I don’t figure out who I am at all?” she questioned honestly as she turned to look at him.
“Who says you have to? You’re young; there’s plenty of time,” Zac told her which almost made her want to laugh.
“That’s rich coming from you,” Avery told him. “I mean you’ve known who you were since you were like nine.”
“Not really,” Zac told her his voice going soft as he shoved his hands into his pockets. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love being a musician. That’s who I am. A drummer. A singer. A songwriter. But I’m not a celebrity, and that was never what I wanted. But… sometimes you gotta deal with stuff you don’t like to get what you do, I guess. And anyway, in the beginning, I was just along for the ride. It took me a while to really understand it all. And maybe I still don’t. So don’t feel like there’s some timeline, like you have to know who you are and what you wanna be by any certain age. It’s not a race.”
“I guess not,” Avery muttered not sure if she believed him. Because a few months back she could have swore she had everything figured out.
Known that her life was going to be with Paisley and she was content with that but now well she wasn’t sure. Almost afraid that maybe even if she knew she was a lesbian that she was just settling for Cordelia if she got the chance she wanted.
“And what if you figure out who you are… but you’re not sure you like yourself very much?” Avery continued as she turned to look at him curiously.
A part of her not sure even now that she liked it if she would be settling for Cordelia but then again maybe she was just overthinking things.
Zac sighed heavily at that, “That one… that one, I’m afraid I don’t have an answer for. I wish I did.”
Avery went silent again knowing she didn’t have an answer either. Wishing she would have but instead she figured she’d just go with whatever felt right in her gut.
If Cordelia gave her a chance then she’d take it and hope she wasn’t just settling. Hoped that Juniper was wrong last night when she told her she was afraid they wouldn’t work because Avery didn’t like the safe choices when it came to people.
Later that night long after the concert was done and Avery and her friends were back at Juniper’s place. Avery who was getting her pajamas to change into after she showered turned when she heard a knock on the guest room door.
Feeling like the world paused when she saw Cordelia standing at the door. Because of course it would be her. Paisley had left for New York sometime while the girls had been gone to the show.
“So I came to a decision…more like an epiphany hit me during your brother’s cover of Soulshine,” Cordelia began as she came into the room where Avery was. “I think I’d be crazy not to try something with you. I’ve wanted you for years probably even before I really knew I liked girls because all I knew before that was I really liked you,” she smiled softly as she sat on the edge of the bed. “So I’ll give you a chance if you still want it.”
Avery swallowed a lump at Cordelia’s words, springing from where she was bent down and rushing to Cordelia to envelope her in a hug.
“Of course I want it still,” Avery spoke as they both fell back against the bed. “I want to try being yours and just yours,” she smiled softly watching as Cordelia did the same.
“Good,” Cordelia whispered and before Avery could say anything more Cordelia leaned in to kiss her on the lips.
The kiss feeling so foreign and new to Avery. Somehow never figuring that one day she’d actually have bumped Cordelia from her friend to her girlfriend but here she was.
Yet even as they kissed Avery still had a doubt about everything and if this was what she truly wanted or if she had just convinced herself it was.