“Hey Zo! I heard you had quite the blow up,” Zac said with a smirk when he answered his door.
“It’s been like twenty minutes!”
He shrugged, “News travels fast. So you wanna spend the night?”
“Yes please. Have you eaten? You and Kate could go out if you wanted…I’ll watch the kids to pay for room and board.”
“Nah it’s okay, we already had dinner. It’s almost bed time, silly!” I nodded, remembering that Zac implemented strict and early bedtimes for his kids. “Come on in.”
I sheepishly walked into the house, and made my way to the couch, where Kate and the kids were halfway through a movie. Shepherd scooted over to make room for me and his small act of kindness nearly brought tears to my eyes. I was so tired.
“You want popcorn, Zo? I’m putting M&M’s in it,” Zac called from the kitchen. My stomach hadn’t settled, even though I was hoping the walk over would help.
“No thanks,” I responded, pulling Shep onto my lap to make more room. Zac joined us, and when the microwave pinged, Kate popped and scurried out into the kitchen.
“Hey Zo? Can you come help me for a second?”
I joined Kate, who was divvying the popcorn into bowls for each family member. The image made me feel like I was looking through some portal to the past, where my siblings and I would make popcorn and watch movies on friday nights, Jessie always making sure there was enough for everyone. I breathed out a laugh, thinking about the night that Paisley came over and watched a movie with us. Dirty Dancing.
“You sure you don’t want any? I have enough.”
“Yeah, I’m okay.”
“Zoe…Zac told me everything about…well…everything.”
“News travels fast,” I said, echoing Zac from moments before.
“I’ve been wanting to talk to you…invite you over but…I wasn’t really sure how to go about it. And then you showed up tonight and I figured it was a sign. That sounds silly…”
“No it doesn’t,” I said meekly, scared for what was coming next.
“Zac told me about the night he found you trying to make yourself throw up and…Zoe I’ve never in my entire life seen him quite so upset. It really affected him and…I can tell how worried he is about you. I promise I didn’t tell anyone else and I don’t think he did either, but…” she took a deep breath, “Zoe I never want Zac to feel as worried about you as I felt about him. I was terrified. I didn’t know what was going to happen to him, I didn’t know what was going to happen to us.”
Tears formed in her eyes, threatening to fall at any minute.
“And it’s not just him. I can’t…I can’t go through that again. I can’t watch someone else that I love waste away. I know you were young when he got sick, but…”
“I remember how scared everyone was. I remember he left. He drove away…”
“Yeah, he did. And I know this all sounds very selfish like…don’t get sick so that I personally don’t have to be worried, but I don’t care. So many years of my life have been dedicated to making sure your brother is okay. I’m owed a few moments of selfishness.”
I smirked, and met Kate’s look of concern, seeing the tears finally start to fall.
“I’m proud of you for standing up to your Mom.”
“It doesn’t feel like something anyone should be proud of.”
“Well I am. You’re a feisty little spitfire, you know that right? I can’t have that fire burning out. None of us can. We need you. The world needs you, Zo.”
Silence hung in the air before I collapsed into my sister-in-law, both of us allowing our tears to fall freely. I never realized how difficult her life must have become in the wake of Zac’s illness. How she was dealing with it, even now.
“How long does it take to make popcorn?” Zac called from the living room, causing us both to laugh. The kind of laughter that only erupts after a good cry.
“We’re coming,” Kate shouted back, handing me a few bowls to carry out to the rest of the family.
I handed a bowl to Junia, who tore her attention away from the movie for the first time since I arrived. She looked at me with the intensity of a child who hadn’t yet been tainted by the pain of the world quiet yet.
“You look different, Zo Zo,” she said, probably referencing the fact that I had cried all my makeup off.
“I feel different, too.”
It was true. I knew that nothing was wrapped up in a neat package. I still would have to go home and face Mom, I still would have to deal with the fact that I didn’t want to eat, I still would have to figure out the sense of unrest I had churning inside of me. But I could do all of those things. I would do all of those things.
I was eleven years old the day my older brother, Zac, checked himself into treatment. And yet I didn’t really ever get to know him, or myself, until I was sixteen. We are more alike than I thought. He is far from the perfect son and I am even farther from the perfect daughter.
But I am me.