I looked up from my phone, where I was editing a picture of my latte for instagram. I had made this trip look amazing. Pictures of me with the sun in my eyes, pictures of me and my siblings, the view from the car, my coffee cups…no one would guess that the trip had been one giant clusterfuck, lightened only by Avery’s acceptance of my apology. Everyone looking at my pictures would assume I was having the time of my life.
Good, I thought, It’s better they think that than know about the noise in my head.
Mac left me a key, as promised, with a note that said “I’ll be home from work this afternoon, go explore or whatever. Eat something. There’s a coffee shop a block away.” I grimaced at the demand to eat something, but immediately made my way to the coffee shop to pump myself full of espresso for the day ahead. I still felt sluggish.
I could only kill so much time with myself and my latte, so as soon as I drained my cup I made my way back up to Mac’s apartment. I didn’t feel like exploring, even though I knew that was the reason I came in the first place. Nothing was going as planned. Mac and I were fighting and neither of us were having any fun. He had been with me this entire time so he was keeping tabs on my eating (and not eating), which made me feel as though I was suffocating. This wasn’t how this was supposed to go. I was supposed to be having the time of my life, my sixteenth summer basking in the California sun, and yet here I was spending the morning cooped up in my brother’s apartment. I felt tears trickle down my cheeks.
“Crap,” I muttered, wiping my eyes furiously. I didn’t want to cry. I hated crying. It only ever made me look weak.
The tears kept coming and before I knew it, a sob burst out of my throat, shaking my entire body. The jingle of keys followed immediately after. Mackie walked through the door, his eyes falling on me and widening.
“Wh…What’s up, Zo?”
Another sob erupted from my core. There was no going back. “I’m sorry…” was all I could get out.
“Hey! Hey, what…what happened?”
“What are you doing home?” I asked once my sobs subsided, looking at the clock and seeing it was only noon. I expected him to be gone for longer.
“I told my boss you were in town and he told me to take a long lunch so I could eat with you.”
I furiously pawed at my face, thinking that maybe if I wiped fast enough, the tears would cease to fall. The act was fruitless.
“I want to go home, Mac,” I blurted out. It was true. The trip was dissolving into fights and tears and I just wanted to go back to Tulsa. Where I was safe. Where I woke up every morning and knew what I was getting myself into. Where I didn’t cry or snap at people or have panic attacks in a hotel bathroom.
“What?”
“I want…I need to go home. Do you think we can change my flight to tomorrow?”
“Um…yeah, probably. Are you sure? Your flight isn’t until the middle of next week.”
“I’m sure.”
Mac heaved a deep sigh. So much for a fun summer with my brother. “Yeah…sure. I’ll call right now.”
***
“Hey, I just landed,” I said into my phone as soon as the flight attendant announced that it was safe to switch off of airplane mode.
“Okay, honey,” Mom replied. “Taylor’s on his way.”
“Why is Tay picking me up?”
“Because I’m in the middle of cooking dinner and he was over anyway…”
“Oh, okay.”
“Nat and the kids are here too. Just get home safely so we can all have dinner together!” She sounded way too cheerful. I just assumed she was strangely happy that I was home early.
I stepped out of the airport and scanned the loading zone for Taylor’s truck. It didn’t take me long to spot him, leaning against his vehicle, cigarette dangling from his mouth. I sauntered over to him, waving when he looked up at me.
“Hey Zo Bug!” He said, also a little too cheerfully for my taste. I suddenly realized that I had no idea how much Mac had told the other members of my family. Did they know I basically had a break down a few days ago? Is that why they were all being so nice?
“Hey,” I responded coldly, heaving my bags into the backseat.
“How was Cali?”
“Lame.”
Taylor snorted and shook his head. “I guess it was about time for you to become a sullen teenager.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You’re being very broody. Reminds me of someone.”
“Who?”
“Zac.”
I rolled my eyes. Always with the Zac comparisons.
“What is Mom making for dinner?” I asked cautiously.
“Spaghetti.”
Great, something heavy, I thought sarcastically to myself, turning my face towards the window so Taylor couldn’t see my disgust. “Hey, how was Avie?” He asked.
“She was good. We spent the night at her and Paisley’s apartment.”
“That’s great!”
“Yeah it was fun, I guess.”
“You guess?”
I shrugged. I wasn’t being a very good conversationalist.
“Hey Zo…It’s okay you came home early. You just weren’t feelin’ it. That’s okay. You still have plenty of time.”
I looked over at him and had to squint because the light was streaming in through the driver’s side window, turning his hair perfectly golden. I wasn’t sure what he meant…whether I had plenty of time left in the summer or just plenty of time left in my life to figure everything out, but either way I felt heard for the first time in months. I smiled weakly as we pulled into the driveway.
“Come on,” Tay said, carrying my bags for me, “I’m sure Willa’s already covered in pasta sauce.”