“Okay so, they haven’t had dinner yet because I’m a horrible father, but I ordered pizza and it’s on its way. I know it’s not the healthiest option in the world but…when mom’s away, dad forgets to cook,” Zac said hurriedly, moving quickly to pack up his computer bag with his laptop and earbuds. He stuffed a few file folders in the front pocket as well, slinging the bag over his shoulder.
“Hey that’s okay! Pizza is always good in my book,” I replied cheerfully, Abe already on my hip. “Do you need me to watch them tomorrow, too? I don’t have any plans.”
“I’ll let you know. I should be good tomorrow, this one is totally my fault. Website stuff I kept putting off…it was me procrastinating. But tomorrow… no, we should be good.”
“Okay, yeah.”
“I’ll probably be back pretty late. I’m so sorry to do this to you.”
“I would be awake anyway. I’ll get these rascals to bed and then watch TV, easy peasy,” I said, tickling Abe’s belly enough to make him giggle.
“Ugh, thank you. I’ll be back. Bye guys!”
“Bye, Dad!” Shep called from the living room, where he and Junia were playing in the middle of a lego pile. I made my way over to them, looking at the clock. It was only six, but their bedtimes were pretty early. Zac was, surprisingly, a very strict father. It was when he was away on tour and Kate was in charge that the kids got away with more.
“Zoe, can we watch TV while we eat our pizza?” Shepherd asked, his big brown eyes pleading with me, even though he knew I would probably cave. Zac’s kids were surprisingly persuasive.
“Hmmm… maybe.” I said slyly, smirking as I watched his face light up with the possibility. I put Abe down on the floor and went down the hallway to a linen closet, where I found a quilt near the back of one of the shelves. I tugged it out of it’s resting place and carried it back to the living room, where I laid it out in front of the TV.
“What are you doing?” Junia asked, watching my every move.
“Me and your uncle Mac used to do this all the time when we were little. We’re gonna have a living room picnic!”
As if on cue, the doorbell rang and I went to retrieve the pizza. Zac had overbought, probably to try and make up for the fact that he had roped me into watching his kids last minute on a Friday night. I paid the delivery boy with the cash Zac had left me on the counter and carried the boxes, along with a few plates and sippy cups full of juice into the living room, spreading them out on the quilt.
***
I crept back downstairs, after putting the kids to bed. The night had been a huge success. Shepherd and Junia were so excited to be having an indoor picnic that they forgot all about switching on the television, and they spent the meal babbling about the magic land they had created in their minds that afternoon. After we cleaned up from dinner, and I put the extra pizza in the fridge, I put Abe down and they invited me into their magical world. We spent the rest of the evening playing pretend. I made a note to tell Zac just how vivid their imaginations were. The two of them reminded me so much of myself and Mackie, and the adventures we would go on in our own backyard.
Now that they were in bed, I made my way into Zac’s office, my plan from the moment I told him I could watch the kids that night. It was only 9 (usually their bedtime was earlier but all the excitement from playing had them riled up. I hoped they wouldn’t mention this to their father), so I figured Zac wouldn’t be home for another few hours. When he said late, he usually meant it.
I wiggled the mouse and the screen came to life.
Zac’s inbox was already open. I scanned through the last few emails, my eyes lingering on mail from my brothers, but nothing that made me want to click through. It just looked like business stuff that I didn’t necessarily care about. I scrolled a bit further and I saw an email from a Jenn Russell, titled “Checking in.” I clicked.
From: Jenn Russell
To: Zac Hanson
Subject: Re: Re: Checking In
That’s great to hear, Zac! I’m sure the tour will be wonderful. I’m so glad everything is going well. Thank you for the pictures of the kids, they’re getting so big! To think, Shepherd was only a baby when you were here. Time flies. Bad thoughts are just part of the game. It’s what we do with the bad thoughts that matters. It was great to hear from you.
Jenn
I scrolled down to see Zac’s part of the conversation.
From: Zac Hanson
To: Jenn Russell
Subject: Re: Checking In
Hey Jenn! Things are going well here. We are heading out on tour in August. Tour is always awesome but I have to admit, I miss everyone while I’m away. Speaking of, I’ll attach a picture of all my little rugrats. Other than that, everything’s going pretty well. My therapist here in Tulsa is good and at this point I’ve been with him so long that he can sense pretty well if things are starting to feel bad again. I’ve only relapsed a couple times since leaving treatment but sometimes I still have bad thoughts. Which, I know, is normal. Anyway, thanks for your email. You know I always appreciate your check ins. 🙂
-Z
My stomach grumbled as I minimized Zac’s inbox and brought up the browser, going quickly to the fansite. I opened another tab and google searched Jenn Russell, finding that she was a doctor at the very same treatment center that my brother went to five years ago, which explained the email exchange. I was shocked to learn that my brother still went to a therapist. He never talked about it.
I clicked around mindlessly for a while on the website before finding links to other sites, all boasting to be run by fans with inside information. I was shocked to see how many there were, with pictures from my sisters-in-law’s instagrams, which I knew were private since the moment they created them. Sooner rather than later, I was back in the rabbit hole. I found every picture of myself, and scoured the comment sections, looking for my name. Then I moved on to Mac. Then to Avery. Then to Jessica. I had no interest in looking at pictures of my oldest brothers. After all, they had a reason to be featured on the website, whereas we actually did not. And yet here I was, digging through years of photographic evidence of our existence. It felt good to see the pictures. We were there too.
My stomach pleaded with me yet again, and I got up and moved towards the refrigerator, taking the box with me to the office. I had nibbled on a slice with the kids, but I didn’t want to indulge in something so heavy after the foodcourt lunch I had devoured this afternoon. But now I was famished. My stomach screamed with longing, and I felt like I couldn’t’ stand up straight from the hunger bloat. Before I could stop myself, I downed two slices, immediately feeling regret well up inside of me.
I looked around anxiously, and ran back to the fridge, stuffing the box back on the shelf and slamming the door closed. The sound echoed off of the kitchen cabinets and I looked up to the ceiling, hoping I didn’t wake the baby. After a few silent moments, telling me that Abe was still asleep, I made my way back into the office, but I couldn’t sit still. My palms were sweating and my heart rate was quickly rising. I couldn’t catch my breath, try as I did to gulp in oxygen.
I had seen girls do it on TV before. I wasn’t stupid. I knew it was bad, but it felt like the only option.
I ran to the downstairs bathroom and stuck two fingers down my throat, causing me to heave with no reward. Nothing came up, so I tried again and again. The sound of my hacking and sputtering covered the front door opening and Zac walking down the hallway.
“Zoe?”
I looked up, my eyes red and watering, at my brother.