“Morning, Mom,” I greeted my mother as I walked into the kitchen, immediately gravitating towards the coffee pot.
“Good morning, sweetie. I’m glad to see you didn’t sleep until the afternoon today.”
“Yep, got up bright and early.”
“Nine isn’t exactly early, but it’s definitely better than noon.”
I sat down at the kitchen table, where Mom was organizing my homeschool assignments for the past few weeks, and sipped my coffee cautiously. I wanted to ask her about driving back to California with Mac, but I was scared to do so. My brain told me to lie, in order to achieve her approval. It’s what I always seemed to do, and I very rarely got caught. It was never huge lies. Just bending the story enough so that she would give me the go ahead.
The previous evening, Mackie had tried to psych me up for the conversation. He knew my crippling need for validation, especially from my mother.
“Just…don’t even ask her. Tell her you’re going with me.”
“You make it sound so easy, Mackenzie.”
“It’s easy when you’re the black sheep.”
I barked with laughter.
“Haven’t you noticed that we’re a family of black sheep?”
I peered down into my coffee cup and jiggled my leg nervously under the table. Any other sixteen year old wouldn’t be scared to spend time with their brother. But then again, I was basing my comparison off of teen dramas on Netflix.
“So…um…I think I’m going to drive back to California with Mackie.”
Mom peered over the papers, straight into my eyes.
“What makes you say that?”
“Um…the fact that I’m going to do it?”
“You haven’t asked me.”
“Well I thought it might be okay since it would be with Mac.”
“I’ll think about it.”
“Mom, please?”
“Zoe, I’ll think about it. The more you nag me the less likely I’ll be to say you can go.”
“Fine, fine.”
I huffed loudly and went up to my room. I hated fighting with my mom. It created a pressure in my chest that stayed until we talked about it later, both with tears in our eyes, fiercely apologizing to each other for overreacting. We were close, my mother and I. Of course we were. I was her baby, and I was the only one that was still with her after six other children had flown the nest. Sure, she doted on her battalion of grandchildren, but I was still her little girl, which is why fighting felt like such a weight inside of me. I never wanted to make her mad, but sometimes it felt inevitable. Especially now that I was growing up.
Once I was up in my room, I texted Mackie furiously.
Mom isn’t going to let me go to Cali with you, surprise surprise.
I flopped down on my bed while I waited for a response. I was already bored of the summer days stretching out before me.
Lame!!
I knew there was one tactic that might work. Even though my mom held all the cards in the Hanson family, there was one thing that we, the children, had going for us. power in numbers.
Tell me about it. Think you can talk to her?
I waited while Mackie typed his response.
Yeah I will. Maybe I can get Ike to pull the big brother card and tell her to cut the cord a little bit.
I snorted at that, before realizing how good of an idea it was. It helped to have brothers who were also already parents to add some perspective when Mom was being unreasonable. I was sixteen, after all.
***
“What are you doing in here, Zoe?” I hear my father ask from the doorway, his voice stern. I berated myself. I thought it had been too early for him to be home already, but I had lost track of time on his computer.
“I was just playing online.”
“Did Mom say you could?”
“Yeah,” I lied, quickly closing the tabs that had been open. I had taken it upon my eleven year old self to research just what was wrong with my brother, Zac, since no one was telling me outright. He had been gone for a whole month, and the only thing that I knew was what I head in eavesdropped telephone calls. Earlier that night, I gone with my Mom to have dinner with Kate. Mom was doting on Kate lately, since she was all alone with Shepherd, and made it a point to go over to her house at least once a week.
Dinner had been painfully quiet. Kate was shy anyway, and the forced quality time didn’t help her loosen up. I didn’t even remember the first time I met her, since she was already a part of my brother’s lives by the time I was cognizant. I was only four when Taylor got married, and by that time Zac and Kate were already dating. She was so different from who I was as a person, even as an eleven year old. I was loud and brash and never scared to speak my mind, all qualities that I shared with the same brother who was her husband. I could count on one hand the number of one on one conversations I had had with Kate, and none of them were exceptionally stimulating.
I excused myself to go play with Shepherd in the living room, but I could still clearly hear the strained conversation at the table. I waved different toys in front of Shepherd’s face as my mother began to pry.
“How are you holding up, Katie?” She asked sincerely. You couldn’t accuse Mom of not caring, that’s for sure.
“I’m okay. It’s tough without Zac here only because of Shep, but…I have plenty of help. You included.”
“Oh, it’s no problem at all. If you ever need any time out just drop him off at our house. Zoe has already taken to him. She’ll be old enough to babysit in no time.”
“Yeah, that’s a relief. We can always use more.”
“She’s great with the kids.”
“Yeah.”
“Have you talked to Zac lately?”
“Yeah we talk every day. I let him know you were coming over tonight, and he sends his love, of course.”
“And you’re okay…with him…gone?”
“What are you getting at, Diana?”
“Honey…” I could hear my Mom turn on her maternal voice, attempting to calm Kate, whose voice was beginning to rise slightly.
“No, I want to know what you’re trying to imply? That I’m mad at Zac for going to California and saving his life? Because no, I’m not. I can manage for a few months without him if it means I get to keep him around for the rest of my life.”
“Katie, that’s not what I meant.”
“I actually think it was. I don’t understand the point of attempting to pit me against my own husband who happens to be incredibly vulnerable right now.”
“It’s just…I still don’t understand why he had to leave the state, Katie. That’s all I’m trying to get at. I just don’t think it’s very responsible.”
“Haven’t we been over this already? Because I’m pretty sure we have, unless I am extremely mistaken or delusional. Zachary needed to leave. He needed to get the best treatment out there for the very real problem that he has.”
I was sure that I wasn’t supposed to be hearing any of this. I thought about scooping Shepherd up and taking him to his room, but I couldn’t tear myself away. It was strange. Usually when I caught wind of someone disagreeing with my mother, I jumped to her defense instantaneously, even though I was too young to understand most of the disputes. But for some reason, I felt the urge to side with Kate. Someone I barely even knew, even after all these years.
“We could have taken care of him just fine.”
“Last time I checked, Diana, you are not a doctor, nor are you certified in treating anorexia.”
“He never had a problem when he was living at home with me.”
Kate barked with laughter, clearly knowing something that my mother did not.
“That’s funny. Alright, I think it’s time for you to leave. Thank you so much for coming over.”
“Katie…”
Kate burst into the living room and picked up her son, looking at me with angry tears in her eyes.
“Thank you for coming over, Zo-bug. Come over whenever you want, sweetie,” she said quickly before bounding up the stairs. Mom shooed me out the door and didn’t say a word to me the entire drive home.
As soon as we got back to the house, I scurried into my father’s office and wiggled the computer mouse, bringing the desktop to life. I typed in the word “anorexia” into the search bar and waited patiently for the results to load. I clicked the first link.
“Anorexia nervosa is an eating disorder characterized by weight loss (or lack of appropriate weight gain in growing children); difficulties maintaining an appropriate body weight for height, age, and stature; and, in many individuals, distorted body image. People with anorexia generally restrict the number of calories and the types of food they eat. Some people with the disorder also exercise compulsively, purge via vomiting and laxatives, and/or binge eat. Anorexia can affect people of all ages, genders, sexual orientations, races, and ethnicities.”
So that was it? That was the reason my mom and my sister in law had been fighting? Just because Zac wanted to lose weight? I was more confused than ever. Everyone wanted to lose weight, it seemed. I had even heard Natalie and Nikki talk about dieting and going to exercise classes. It didn’t even phase me anymore when someone at church complimented a anyone who came home from college having lost weight.
There had to be more to it.
I clicked back into the search history and was about to dig further when my father caught me on his computer.
“Sorry, Dad. I was just playing around. I’ll go back upstairs.”
“Just ask me next time, Zo-bug.”
“Okay.”
***
I texted Ike. He’ll be over for dinner so maybe we can bring it up to Mom.
I loved when my brother was in problem solving mode, especially when it benefited me.
Thanks brother! What are you doing right now?
I already knew he was probably out with friends. How did he have so many? I still didn’t understand. Just another reason to be slightly jealous of my siblings.
Out and about. I’ll see you for dinner.
I sighed and flopped back down on my bed, already anxious about the forthcoming conversation. I had nothing to do but wait. I logged onto my computer to see what the fan site had posted today.