I heard the doorbell and raised voices coming from the living room, and I looked over at my brother, who was trying his best not to doze off. It was slowly but surely closing in on midnight, and Mac and I were in the basement watching cartoons. Since it was New Year’s Eve, bedtimes couldn’t exactly be enforced, so Mom and Dad let us stay up until they called us to the living room to watch the ball drop and drink a glass of sparkling apple juice while they toasted champagne with their church friends.
When the yelling started, I knew the voices immediately. I couldn’t quite make out the words, but I knew the pitch and cadence of everyone in my family. Avery was home from a night out with her friends, and she was not happy.
“Come up with me,” I said, nudging my brother awake. “I want to hear what’s happening.”
“Why?” He asked. He had been so hyper and silly earlier that evening, making me laugh so hard I could barely breathe, and now he was crashing. I pulled at his arm, wanting a second in command to my eavesdropping.
“Come on!!”
We tiptoed up the stairs and put our ears to the basement door. I shook my head, this wasn’t enough. They were too far away from the door. Plus, it was a party (at least what my mom qualified as a party), so no one would notice if we emerged to see the scene that was unfolding. I scampered to the kitchen, falling in line behind Avery, who was stumbling over her own feet.
“I’m so glad to see you remember Paisley, the girl you hated because you thought she’d corrupt me. But you know it’s the damndest thing…I was already corrupted when I met her.” Avery was slurring her words and speaking as though she was addressing a large crowd, instead of a meager group of church ladies who were sipping my mom’s punch. I looked up at my mom, and saw her face flush with embarrassment. This was the last thing she wanted.
The humiliation quickly dissolved into pure anger. The kind that is sharp and stinging.
“You don’t understand what you’re saying,” she hissed at Avery, attempting to keep her voice quiet and maintain some semblance of calm. “You’re drunk.”
“But I do understand what I’m saying mom! “I’m a lesbian. I love girls..I love kissing them and I love fucking them and I loved girls before Paisley even. I’m even dating Cordelia you know. She was one of the safe lesbians right? I guess she isn’t now though because I’m dating her and I love her I think though I’m still in love with Pai too.”
I gawked at my sister, who seemed to be absolutely going off the deep end. Mac and Paisley sprang into action. I must have missed their knowing glances at each other but I did feel Mac pull me along, telling me to stay behind Avery as she stumbled up the stairs, just in case she tripped.
The next morning, Mom threw Avery out of the house. I was in my room when I heard her storm upstairs and start throwing things around her bedroom, pulling her suitcase out of her closet and slinging drawers open and shut. I walked out of my door and through hers timidly, asking her why she was packing.
“Because mom kicked me out,” she said, angry tears in her eyes. “She kicked me out because I’m a lesbian. Just like she’s the reason Paisley broke up with me.”
***
“Wait, you’ve got to be kidding me,” Paisley fired at me, her tone raising in pitch and intensity. “You really think your mom kicking Avery out was a good thing? You don’t want to think about that statement before you say it out loud?”
“She was just trying to be a good mom. She’s only ever had our best interest at heart.”
Paisley snorted loudly in exasperation and got up from the table violently, almost knocking her chair to the ground. I looked at Mac for help, but he was looking at his empty plate intensely, trying his best not to meet anyone’s gaze.
“That is bullshit and you know it, Zoe,” Paisley spat out as she walked into the kitchen.
“It is not. And…why are we talking about this anyway? You’re the one that brought it up! I’m sorry that I stated my opinion.”
It was true. Paisley had been goading me all night, lightly brushing at the baggage from the past until it welled up inside of me and I blurted out that even though mom had thrown Avery out, she meant well, and she was only trying to help her daughter.
“No. No, Zoe. That isn’t an opinion. That is a close minded parent not accepting their daughter for who she is. But I’m sorry, I forgot who I was talking to. Diana two point oh, over here. Just your mom’s little spy.”
“Hey!” I said, trying to gain some footing.
“You’re gonna deny that? Please. No one benefits from being kicked out of their own home. You can’t argue that point, Zoe. Don’t talk about things you don’t understand.”
“Guys, please stop,” Avery attempted to calm us all down, but didn’t have much luck.
“I WAS TEN!” I finally yelled, making the fight lose its rhythm.
Everyone took a breath and looked around, in awe of where the conversation had veered to. “I was ten years old.” I continued, mustering a new wave of confidence from seemingly nowhere. I looked my sister dead in the eye. “I’m sorry Avery. I’m sorry that I told on you. I’m sorry that I saw you having sex with a girl and was scared and confused and I needed to tell someone. I was….I was ten. We all understand that right? But I’m sorry. I apologize. From the bottom of my heart.”
I turned to Paisley, who had emerged yet again from the kitchen. “There. Happy?” I sat back down at the table and began eating my food again in silence.
“Thank you, Zoe. That’s all I wanted. Seriously.”
I noticed Paisley catch Mac’s attention out of the corner of my eye, and he got up from the table and started clearing plates, bringing them into the kitchen. I heard the two of them doing dishes, giving us a little privacy.
“I know you were young. I understand that. That’s not…that’s not what hurt. It was that you saw me being thrown out of the house, completely lost and abandoned by the majority of my family, and you still were…proud of what you did. You still blindly agreed that Paisley was bad, and that we were sinners. You know me, Zoe. You know I’m not a bad person.”
“I know…I know you’re not. I….” I struggled to find the words. “I guess I’m just…learning a lot lately.” It was an understatement.
“Hey, I get it. I was so overwhelmed when I was eighteen just because of all the stuff I was learning about myself and my feelings. Growing up ain’t easy, kid.”
I looked at my sister, this beautiful ray of light that had brightened so many lives without ever asking for anything in return. I leapt up from my seat and hugged her tightly. “I just thought you were gonna hate me forever.”
“I could never hate you, Zo bug. You’re my little sister! You know I love you forever.”
“Love you too, Avie.”