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It was April and the daffodils were finally blooming. It had been a cold spring, and I was waiting patiently for my favorite flowers to show their yellow faces again. I was out in the yard looking at them with a silly smile on my face when I heard the gravel crunch. I turned quickly and saw a truck coming up the driveway.

It was Zac’s truck.

My brother was behind the wheel. This wasn’t the longest we had ever gone without seeing him. He and Taylor and Ike toured constantly, and I was used to going long stretches in between visits, but for some reason, these few months had felt like years. He flashed a smile towards me from the driver’s seat, and put the truck in park.

“Hey Zo-bug!” He called, hopping out of the truck and making his way over to the patch of daffodils I was sitting in front of. I shot up from my spot and met him halfway, and before I could realize how uncharacteristic it was for both of us, Zac was scooping me up in a huge hug.

“You’re back!” I squeaked from deep in the embrace. I didn’t know why, but I felt tears spring to my eyes. My vision blurred momentarily, and I quickly closed my eyes to regain my composure.

“I am!”

“For good?”

“Yeah, for good.”

“Are you all better?” I asked. My arms were still around his neck. Neither of us pulled away.

“That’s not really how it works, Zo. But I am back. I promise.”

I snuggled my face into his shoulder and let out a sob, causing Zac to tighten his hug. I never mentioned this reunion to any of my other siblings, and Zac never brought it up again. Sometimes I wondered if it really happened. When we finally loosened our grip on each other, I ran towards the door, Zac trailing behind me casually, his hands in his pockets. I flung the front door open and yelled into the house “ZAC IS HOME!” Mom came from the kitchen, looking confused, and dissolved into a weepy greeting, just happy to have her son back in her house.

My brother looked different than before, but I couldn’t quite place it. When I had hugged him, his grip was tight, and that also felt different. There was something about his face that had changed. Something about his eyes. If I had been older, I would have said that his face had filled out, his cheeks no longer hollow and sunken. His eyes looked different because the dark circles under them had lightened considerably. Even his hair looked thicker, which seems impossible considering it was only a few months, but the body heals quickly when given the chance. I was far too young to notice Zac’s weight loss before he left for treatment, especially since it happened over the course of a few years, but I was old enough to notice that when he returned there was light bouncing off of him. Rays of light streamed from the front door and made him look like an angel. But one I could touch. One that was real.

***

I spent the whole day with Courtney at the mall, shopping for clothes I didn’t need for my upcoming trip. We wandered through store after store, and after doing a sufficient amount of trying on and purchasing, made our way to the food court for sustenance.

“I should probably get a job,” Courtney mused as she wolfed down her lo mein. “This shopping habit isn’t very sustainable.”

I chuckled and looked at the bags taking up the additional two seats at their table. I got a few sundresses and a new bathing suit, hoping that Mac and I could have a beach day while I was out west. I wasn’t sure what our plans were or even how long I would be staying. I still needed to ask my parents for a plane ticket for the return flight. I had picked the most colorful and flattering dresses, imagining the pictures I would take in the golden California light.

“Oh, sunglasses! I want a new pair of sunglasses,” I said, interrupting Courtney’s story about a girl at school who got a job serving at a restaurant downtown.

“We’ll grab those on the way out. We should probably limit ourselves before we do too much damage.”

“Yeah, you’re right.”

“What about you?”

“What about me?”

“I’m really thinking about getting a summer job! You would have plenty of time when you get back. We should get one together.”

I rolled my eyes, but somewhere deep inside I was thrilled at the prospect. It would mean time out of the house, away from my family. Time with friends and people who weren’t a part of Hanson headquarters. It would also mean I could start having a little bit of my own money. A little bit of independence.

“Maybe. I babysit a lot.”

“Oh right, your brothers have like…a thousand kids.”

“Yeah they have quite a few,” I said with a smirk.

“That’s fair. That’s good money, too.”

I didn’t correct her and tell her that I very rarely got paid for my child watching services. Nikki had started paying me a little, just because she wanted me to have spending money for my trip. Sometimes I envied Everett and Monroe. Their mother would never make them feel bad about wanting to be regular teenagers.

“Yeah, and my brothers are going on tour in August so I’m sure I’ll be called upon a lot at that point to watch the kids.”

“Gotchya.”

“Okay, let’s go get those sunglasses and get the heck out of here. I can’t stay in malls too long, my brain starts going fuzzy.”

We trudged through the department store at the end of the mall and finally found the pair of sunglasses I was looking for, before heading out into the sun and feeling the warmth on the skin that had been subjected to over air conditioned shops for the last few hours. I always had a great time with Court, but I wanted to get home.

The truth of the matter was, I was thinking about the fansite.

I hadn’t told anyone – not Mac, not my older brothers, not even Courtney. But I checked the website twice, sometimes three times a day. I had gone back in its archives all the way, spending hours scrolling back through the years. I found every picture of me there was, smiling at some and scowling at others. It was so easy for me to pick out the imperfections on my face, or to make a note about how a certain piece of clothing was unflattering. I started making sure that every picture I posted online was absolutely perfect, and often people commented on how pretty I was in the recent photos.

It felt good, to be complimented. Especially after years of living in the shadow of my brothers, something that only Jessica, Avery, and Mac would ever understand.

As soon as I said goodbye to Courtney, I rushed upstairs and opened my laptop. My phone buzzed before I could type the address into the browser. I looked down at the screen and saw it was Zac calling me.

“Hey?” I said, a slight question in my tone. I couldn’t even remember the last time Zac called me.

“Hey Zoe. Um, so some stuff came up at the studio and Kate is out of town for a couple days. I was supposed to watch the kids while she was gone but…”

“Yeah I’ll come over, what time?”

“Whenever you can. I need to get over to 3CG.”

“Yep. No worries.”

“You sure?”

“Yep.”

“I’ll pay you.”

“You really don’t have to.”

“Well, I’m going to. It’s last minute. Please tell me if you had plans or anything.”

“I don’t have plans!! I’ll leave now, seriously. Don’t worry about it.”

“Thanks Zoe. Life saver, God send, Angel, et cetera et cetera…”

“See you in like fifteen minutes, weirdo.”

I hung up the phone and closed my laptop. “Duty calls,” I said out loud to no one in particular. I shoved a book into my purse, even though I knew I wouldn’t spend any time reading it. The best part about babysitting for Zac was the big screen TV and the hundreds of channels he had at his fingertips. I bounded down the stairs and called to my mom, who was in the living room, letting her know I was heading over to babysit Shep, Junia, and Abe.

“Have fun!” She responded. I made a mental note to ask her about the return flight when I got home that night.

It was the golden hour outside as I walked towards Zac’s house. The sun was in my face, turning the whole world into a magical, yellow fairy tale. The lighting was perfect. I took out my phone and stopped in my tracks, taking a selfie to commemorate the beautiful evening. I’ll post that later I thought to myself, wondering what kind of comments I would get from the fans.

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