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I rested my forehead on the passenger side window, the glass surprisingly cool for such a warm summer day. My head was pounding. I felt dehydrated and was already tired of being in the car, a feeling that didn’t come easily for me. I usually loved road trips, and didn’t mind driving for hours (I had grown up touring alongside my brothers, after all) but right now, I would have given anything to pull off the road and go to back to bed.

My stomach was twisting in nervous knots. We had only been on the road for an hour, and I knew there was only about thirty more minutes before I would be seeing my sister for the first time in a couple years. I still had a lot of guilt about Avery, but I tried to push it aside.

“You can sleep if you want,” Mac suggested, noticing how tired I still looked, even though my iced coffee was nearly half gone. We had stopped at a Starbucks on our way out of town, the thought of making even the short leg of our drive without caffeine too daunting to bear.

“It’s okay. We’ll be there pretty soon anyway.”

“You okay?”

“Yeah. I’m fine….Nervous. But fine.”

“Don’t be nervous. You know that the angel sister has already forgiven you and doesn’t even think about that time in our lives anymore.”

“How could you possibly know that?”

“Because I know. You know Avery just as well as I do, and you know that she probably has the best heart of all of us. Even though Mom…might not think so.”

I snorted at his remark. He was right. She was the kindest person I knew, and I wondered how everything would have played out if all of it had happened when I was a bit older and more accepting. I still struggled with Avie’s sexuality, even though I knew she was still just my sister, the girl with the heart of gold.

“Mac, can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

“You don’t think what Avery’s doing is like…a sin, do you?”

Mac let out a loud laugh, and immediately attempted to stifle it when he looked over at me and saw that I was completely serious. I looked at him expectantly.

“Zoe…come on.”

“I’m serious, Mac. I…I still feel like…I don’t know.”

“Do you think it’s a sin?”

“Well…Yeah! Mom says it is, and she still prays for Avie every day to get better.”

“Zoe, think about it like this. Avery loves her girlfriend. Like seriously…they have the healthiest relationship in this family, in my opinion. Do you think that’s a sin?”

“…No,” I replied meekly. “I…guess…I don’t know.”

“I know you still feel guilty about what happened, and I know it’s been a while since you’ve seen Avie. But I promise, Zo. It’s going to be fine. And this way…maybe you’ll get passed it. She has.”

I turned my head back to the passing scenery and rolled my eyes, annoyed with how right my brother always seemed to be about stuff like this. My heart continued to pound until we pulled up to, what I assumed to be, Avery’s apartment building.

“Maybe I’ll just wait in the car.”

“She’s your sister, Zoe.”

“Fine.” I heaved a sigh and opened the car door, sliding out carelessly. I looked up at the building. I wasn’t sure which window belonged to Avery, but I knew she was somewhere inside, waiting for us.

***

“What are you drinking?” I asked Mackie, trying to peer into his red solo cup while we waited for the sun to go down.

“None of your beeswax, weirdo,” he replied, raising it higher so I couldn’t see inside. I was guessing it was beer smuggled to him by Taylor, the enabler. I pouted and jumped, trying to reach the cup. I knew he was only being a stupid teenager because the whole family was here, and he wanted to fit in with the older kids.

I, on the other hand, danced around the yard with sparklers alongside Ezra.

I would grow up loving the fourth of July because it meant memories of dwindling sunshine and lightning bugs and my older brothers setting off fireworks in the yard while we sipped lemonade. We loved holidays in this family, mostly because it gave us an excuse to all be together, the tribe assembling. This year, I was ten and the world was so big. I looked up at the huge Oklahoma sky, that was darkening quickly, and smiled widely, not wanting this night to end.

“Want more lemonade, Zo?” I heard my sister ask. Avery was home from her trip to California, her best friend Paisley in tow. She was being exceptionally nice to me. We hadn’t had one sarcastic exchange the entire evening.

“Sure,” I said, shrugging and turning back around to find another sparkler, since mine had burnt out. Before I turned the whole way, something caught my eye on Avery’s wrist. I pulled her hand close to my face. “What is this?”

“Just a little tattoo,” she said, trying to sound casual.

“When did you get it?”

“When I was in California.” I narrowed my gaze at her. I had seen Paisleys wrist earlier this evening, a tattoo adorning the very same inch of skin that I had just inspected on Avery. A sun and a moon. I was still only a girl, but I was old enough to realize it was a matching set.

“Cool,” I said, still calculating everything in my head.

“Thanks. Here.” Avery handed me another cup of lemonade, as my brothers announced they were heading out towards the treeline to start setting up the fireworks. Ezra pulled on the hem of my shirt and showed me that his sparkler had also burnt out. I marched up to Natalie and asked for two more, which she lit with a smile. The family whooped and opened more beers, excited to get the home made firework show started.

It was late when my dad nudged me to get going up to bed, my eyes already threatening to slam shut for the night. I nodded, noticing that I was leaning up against Isaac sleepily, who was nursing his beer and chatting loudly, paying me no mind. The brothers who had wives were all still up, drinking and laughing (except for Zac, who always seemed to disappear early at family functions). Jessica had gotten restless pretty early in the night, and a bit later I saw Avery and Paisley wander off, not holding hands until they thought they were out of sight. I stretched my tired arms above my head and scooted off the bench, waving as my family members called good night to me.

I came inside, sunshine tired and sticky with dried sweat, and climbed the stairs slowly. I was planning on going right to bed, wondering if I even had energy to shed my clothes and change into my summer nightgown. I had to pass Avery’s bedroom to get to mine, and when I did, I heard sounds that all at once scared me and peaked my curiosity. I heard giggles and moans and deep, heavy sighs.

I’m not stupid. I grew up in a house of older children, all who went through puberty under the same roof. I saw how Mac looked at girls, his teenage lust almost palpable. I saw Jessie look at boys and giggle, tuck her hair behind her ears, and blush. I was only four when my oldest nephew was born, and of course I asked questions. Sex wasn’t a secret to me. It couldn’t be.

But this was different. I never knew that two girls could be intertwined, kissing passionately and moving in perfect rhythm. It made my cheeks burn to hear them, and yet I carefully cracked the door open, if only to catch a glimpse and prove my own ideas wrong. But there they were. My sister and her friend, naked and writhing, breathing heavily. They must have thought that everyone was still outside by the fire Zac had built after the fireworks. I gulped loudly, and stood there in horror. I had never seen sin. I didn’t know what it looked like.

But this had to be it.

***

The sound of the buzzer put me on edge, and before I could run back to the car, Mac put his hand on my arm, gripping it tightly.

“Is that who I think it is?” Avery’s voice came through the tiny speaker by the front door.

“It is!” Mac replied.

“Don’t move, I’ll be right there!”

A few nervous seconds later, Avery burst through the door and flung herself into Mac’s arms. They laughed loudly, their brown hair flying as they flailed with excitement.

“Hey Zo Bug!!” She exclaimed, with just as much excitement. I wondered if it was genuine.

“Hey Avie,” I said shyly.

“Come here, weirdo!” She said with a chuckle, pulling me into a huge hug. I was resistant at first, but I felt her tight hold, and returned it. She was my sister, after all.

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