I met Mac’s eyes over the dinner table and stuck out my tongue at my fourteen year old brother. I loved Christmas at my house, especially when it meant I could stay up late with the rest of my family. I was so young compared to my siblings, especially those with wives and children, and so old compared to my nieces and nephews, but during the holidays I didn’t feel left out.
Each of my older brothers had a baby this year, and I took turns holding each one. Shepherd was smiley and silly already, the oldest of the three. He locked eyes with me and giggled, causing me to look up at Kate with glee. She crinkled her nose and put her hand on my back, the three of us, myself, Shepherd, and Kate, caught in a beautiful moment of unadulterated joy.
Dinner was, as always, loud. It’s hard for a holiday in the Hanson family to be anything but loud. We became a larger tribe every single year. I usually clung to Mac, having a conversation of our own, but this year we were seated away from each other at the huge table my parents always set up in the living room to accommodate the masses. I had a feeling that in a few years, they would stop trying to fit us all at one big table, but for now here we were. I was flanked by Ezra and Jessica, so it could have been worse.
Once dinner was over, everyone started milling around and sipping drinks. Isaac broke out a board game and tried to wave me over, but I wasn’t interested. I noticed Zac slip away, as he was want to do at family gatherings. I wandered around until I found Taylor fiddling with his camera, sitting on the stairs up to our bedrooms.
“What’s up, Zo?” He asked as I joined him. We had a perfect view of the gathering from our perch, which is surely why he was sitting there, his camera at the ready.
“Oh nothin’. Family dinners are kind of boring.”
“Yeah, why do you think I always have a camera? Keeps me entertained, at least.”
“Yeah.”
“You excited for Christmas, though?”
“I guess.”
“Well you certainly sound excited,” Taylor replied, sarcastically. I turned to him and rolled my eyes.
“I’m just so much younger than everyone, I don’t know. It’s…frustrating,” I stated, sounding quite mature for my ten year old self. “You all have kids now, Mackie is a teenager…I just don’t really fit in right now.”
Taylor put his arm around me and squeezed, a gesture I appreciated even if I knew he would never understand.
I stayed on the step even after Taylor left to rejoin the party, and watched as Nikki talked to Kate animatedly, as Ezra grabbed a few more cookies off of the table, as Mac and Avery snuck a few sips of wine. I watched as Zac came out of the kitchen, looking more than ready to leave, and I watched his awkward goodbye with Isaac at the front door.
“Hey. We’ll, uh, we’ll probably get together after New Years, I think. If you’re up for it,” my oldest brother said, looking around awkwardly, avoiding Zac’s gaze.
“Yeah, I think that…that sounds good.”
The next few sentences were too quiet for me to hear from my spot on the stairs, but after Zac and Kate and baby Shepherd made their way out and closed the door behind them, I saw Isaac scan the room for Taylor, and make a beeline for him. Those three were so in tune with each other, and I was sure the awkwardness between Isaac and Zac wouldn’t help anything in the studio or on stage. Zac had been acting strangely the last few times he had been over at the house. Just sulky and quiet, which wasn’t exactly out of the norm, but it seemed to put a bit of a strain on the other brothers and even more so on Kate. It was as if she had to act even more chipper and upbeat to make up for it, which always seemed forced coming from a naturally shy girl.
I shrugged it off, and went upstairs to wait for morning.
***
I slid my fingers out of my mouth and tucked the hair that was caught in the spit dripping from the corners of my lips behind my ears. I looked at Zac over the toilet bowl, utterly and completely mortified. My own embarrassment was reflected in his face. We stayed there, silently gaping at each other, for a few painfully long moments. I sat back on my heels, unable to stand. My forehead was sweaty with exertion and anxiety. My eyes were red and watery. My throat was scratchy.
“What the fuck, Zoe?”
I couldn’t speak, which was unusual for me. I could almost always come up with something to say, even if it wasn’t anything of substance. Before I knew it, Zac was pulling me up by the elbow, and putting the lid down on the toilet. He sat me down on it and made sure all the hair was out of my face before wetting a washcloth and wiping my chin and forehead. He was kneeling in front of me with my face in his right hand as he carefully cleaned me up, concern clouding his brown eyes.
“It’s not…it’s not what you think,” I finally squeaked out as he turned around to wring out the wash cloth.
“You were kneeling in front of the toilet with your fingers in your mouth. I’m not an idiot, Zoe.”
“I know you’re not…”
His back was still to me as he continued.
“I can’t let you do that, and you know it.”
“I…I know.”
“It nearly ruined my life, Zoe. It nearly killed me.” Rage clouded his face. I had seen him get angry before, but never at me. It felt like bullets in my stomach.
“Zac, I promise…I promise it’s not what you think. I…I just ate too much pizza and I felt sick. I felt like I was going to throw up anyway, so I thought I would just help it along.”
Suddenly his expression changed. He looked as though he was going to cry, tears filling his eyes and threatening to fall at any moment.
“Zoe, I’m not stupid. I did this too, okay? I did this exact same thing.”
“But I’ve never done it before!”
“That doesn’t matter!”
“I didn’t even actually throw up!”
“That doesn’t matter, Zoe!”
I stood up quickly, my head swimming slightly from all the dry heaving I had done into the toilet, and left the bathroom in a huff, not wanting to fight with my brother about something he didn’t even know about. I gathered my things, slung my backpack over my shoulder, and trudged out the door without saying goodbye. The entire walk home, which I probably shouldn’t have been doing at this time of night, was plagued by thoughts of Zac. I checked my phone when I was back in my bedroom, seeing a few texts from the very same brother.
You left the browser windows up in my office. Call me tonight or tomorrow.
I scrolled down.
I’m not going to yell at you or anything. So don’t be scared to talk to me. But seriously, Zo. You can’t keep looking at those websites. It’s a bad habit to get into. Those people don’t know anything about you and their opinions of you don’t matter. Trust me.
One more.
Get some sleep and call me in the morning. We really need to talk.
I rolled my eyes, mostly annoyed at myself for not closing out of the websites I was looking at before running to the bathroom to vomit, something I wasn’t even able to do properly. I couldn’t do anything right. Not even make myself throw up. I knew I shouldn’t be doing it. I knew it was wrong. And yet there I had been, shoving my fingers down my throat just like I had seen girls do in movies.
I wondered who Zac would tell, if anyone. The shame crept up my body and turned my cheeks bright red, even though no one was around to gawk at me. I threw my phone on the bed and buried my face in my hands. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Not like this.