One more day. I had one more day to enjoy with my family before the office reopened after the holidays. I was looking forward to a nice, quiet day. Nikki and I promised each other that we would make the entire day a family day. We started out the day playing as many inside games with the boys as we could think of. After lunch we all bundled up and headed outside to run around. We were just settling down to watch a movie with hot chocolate when our doorbell rang.
“I’ll go,” I said.
I was surprised to see Zac at the door. I wasn’t even sure if he was planning to show up at the office tomorrow.
“Hey, big brother, mind if I come in?” he said more to his shoes than to me.
“Of course, of course,” I stepped aside to let him in out of the cold. “Would you like some hot chocolate? Nikki just make a huge batch.”
“No,” then he stopped himself. “Actually, that sounds great,” he said, following me into the kitchen. He glanced into the living room where Nikki and the boys were starting Cars. They moved so fast lately, a racing movie seemed appropriate.
“Extra marshmallows?”
“Yes, please,” he said.
“Would you like to sit?” I motioned to the kitchen table.
“Actually, I had a new song idea I wanted to run past you.”
“We’ll be back in the studio tomorrow,” I said. “I’ll hear it then.”
He looked down into his mug and then back up at me, “I really wanted to show you today,” he said.
I remembered a similar conversation about two years ago, when I was the one needing to talk to my brother one on one.
“Oh, ok. Let’s go to the music room and you can play it for me,” I said. I had part of the basement closed off to make a music room for my guitars and the piano. The other part served as a play room for the boys so we could all be together, even when I was working on music. I lead the way down, closing the door behind us. I knew that Zac wanted to spend time with his family today, too, so privacy must have been very important to him.
I sat in my favorite guitar practice chair and he sat on the piano bench facing me. “It looks great in here,” he said, letting his eyes wander over the various band posters and guitar charts decorating the wall.
“Thank you. Nikki helped with the design a lot.”
“Well, that’s obvious,” he said with a smile.
Maybe it was just wishful thinking, but I thought I saw the real Zac somewhere in that smile. The goofy, sweet, kind, lovable Zac. The one thing I did know was that the high on pills Zac from New Year’s Eve was not the real Zac.
“So, this new song. I’d love to hear it,” I encouraged him.
“So, the song is called, I know I have a problem and I’ve seriously been considering rehab,” he said in a rush.
“Wow,” I sat back in my chair, giving my mind time to process what I just heard.
“You aren’t usually speechless,” he said, picking at an invisible spot on his hand. I suddenly had a flash of a doctor trying to stick an IV in that hand, but the person the hand was attached to refused to cooperate. I never, ever, wanted to witness my brother in a situation like that.
I felt the tears on my cheek before I actually realized I was crying. It was several minutes before I could speak.
“Zac,” I said, my voice hoarse, “I am so proud of you. I need you to know that. You are taking ownership of your life and doing what you need to get better. There is nothing I won’t do to support that. Just tell me what you need.”
I saw the look of pure relief on his face. He just nodded, and said “The facility I feel the best about is in San Jose. It’s small, and not a celebrity rehab/spa type thing. The next program starts in February and lasts until April. Do you think I can be away that long?”
“I think you can, and I think you should. If going away to rehab is what you need to be healthy, then go. Taylor and I will take care of the business, and we won’t record anything without you.”
“Are you sure the business will be ok? You can’t really take a break if you are an independent business.”
“The business won’t be taking a break. And if we somehow end up going broke in three months, I’ll just have Kate bring me some of your stuff to sell on Ebay.”
He looked at me with a huge grin that lit up his entire face. “Alright, so that’s the plan then?”
“I think so. We should probably tell Taylor, though,” I said.
“Yeah, but he’ll be easy,” he said, turning and playing a made-up tune across the piano keys.
“And you didn’t think I would be?” I asked.
“Honestly?”
I nodded for him to continue
“I half expected you to tell me to man up and figure it out on my own. That I was irresponsible for letting things get too far, and I should just be able to control myself. Oh yeah, and eat a fucking hamburger.”
I still felt sick when I remembered I actually said that to my brother.
“I don’t know if you always realized it, I know I was too strong with the tough love bit, but all I’ve ever wanted was to help you. And I don’t think I can give you the help you truly need. The Hanson stubbornness and force of will isn’t going to beat this one. You need other tools to help you, and I truly, honestly don’t know what those are. I’m sorry for the way I treated you. I was a complete ass to you. There was no excuse for it, and even if there was, it wouldn’t make the things I said go away. In fact, I probably made things worse for you. But I don’t want to be that person anymore. I hope that even if you can’t forgive me now, you will be able to someday.”
“The things you said hurt, but maybe if I would have listened I wouldn’t have made a fool of myself on New Year’s Eve.”
“Well, I can’t blame you for not drinking the vinegar. Especially when I know how much you love sugar.”
“And I hope that I will learn to enjoy it again without feeling guilty or worrying about calories.”
“I hope that, too,” I said. I stood and gave him a hug. “You are doing the right thing. And if you need anything, anything at all, you know I’m here for you.”
“I’ll try to remember that,” he said.
“Well, I’d better get going. Kate knows why I’m here and she is supportive, too, but I want to spend as much time with her as I can before I leave.”
“Of course,” I said. “Be safe driving home, I think there is some ice on the roads.”
“Once a big brother, always a big brother,” he replied. “I promise to drive 5 under the entire way home. Would you like me to text me when I get there?”
“That would be great,” I said, even though I knew the last line was pure sarcasm.
“Right,” he sighed and pulled open the door to the basement.
I followed him out. By the sound of things, the movie was half over. Nikki turned to look and I held up my index finger to signal that I needed one more minute. She nodded and turned back to watch the movie.
“How is Zac?” Nikki asked after I saw him to the door.
“Better,” I said, siting beside her on the couch and kissing her on the top of her head, “So much better. I’ll tell you everything once the boys go to bed.”
“Deal,” she said as she curled into my arms.
I felt relaxed for the first time in several years. I was making it a point to spend time with my wife and kids, and I was still able to help my brothers when they needed it. I know they say that a truly balanced life is a myth, but I couldn’t help but feel that I was at least getting somewhere close.