I was so proud of Zac for entering rehab on his own. Still, California was a long way from Tulsa and they weren’t allowing him much contact with Kate, much less with the “extended family” as we were called. I didn’t feel like extended family. How do you get any closer than a brother that is also a band mate and business partner?
“How many times are you going to read that email before you respond?” Taylor was looking over my shoulder in the office. We were trying to keep the business part of things running while Zac was away. We made a deal that we wouldn’t work on new music until Zac got back from rehab, so of course that meant we each had about 1,000 ideas a day for new songs. We kept them all in a notebook so we could show Zac. Maybe he would have some songs to share, too.
I sighed. “I don’t think I’ve actually read it once, yet,” I said. “I just keep thinking about Zac and I hope they are doing the right things for him. They don’t know him like we do.”
“Well, the hard truth is neither of us were able to help him much. Sometimes it takes someone from the outside to see what the real problem is so they can help him deal with it.”
“I guess that’s true.”
“I think it’s much better for him to work with people that aren’t as emotionally involved as we are. Why do you think they don’t allow doctors to treat their own family members? You have to have a certain level of disconnect to make an objective decision.”
I thought about what Nikki told me after I was fully recovered from my surgery, how she couldn’t sleep in the hotel room for worrying about me, even though it was much more comfortable than the plastic couch in the hospital room. Meanwhile, I’m sure the nurses assigned to me had no problem leaving after their shift. I suddenly missed her so much. She could help. She would know what to say.
“You know, Tay, I don’t think that I’m really in the right head space for this right now. I think I’ll head on home. I’ll log on later tonight if I can get my head clear.”
“Alright. I’ll probably lock up soon, then. I’m still having trouble reaching the people I need to tie up a few loose ends. I guess everyone is still on Christmas break.”
I nodded and patted him on the shoulder. “I’ll be back in the morning,” I told him.
“See you then.”
I expected peace and quiet when I arrived at my house, instead it looked like war zone. Both boys were yelling and there were toys scattered everywhere. Nikki was trying her best to calm them down.
“Everette, I’m sure Monroe didn’t mean to break your dinosaur.”
“My favorite!” he cried.
“I think it was only your favorite after he broke it,” she said, reasonably.
I was watching from a distance, trying to assess the situation before stepping in, but Everette spotted me. “DAAAAAD, DAAAAAD, Monroe broke dino!” He wailed, wrapping his arms around my legs. Monroe immediately ran into Nikki’s arms once Everette was distracted.
“Did he do it on purpose?” I asked, wanting my son to come to his own conclusion.
He was quite for a minute, then hung his head and said “No.”
“Have you ever broken something on accident?”
“Yes,” he said, on the verge of tears.
“So do you think you can forgive your brother for breaking something of yours. Even though it was your favorite toy?”
He sniffed, then nodded.
“Ok, then, come on.” I took his hand and led him over to where Nikki was sitting.
“Sowry,” came the muffled apology from Monroe, his head buried in Nikki’s shoulder.
“It’s ok,” he said. “Play?”
“Ok,” Monroe slid off Nikki’s lap and the two boys toddled off towards the mess of toys in the living room.
“Whew,” Nikki leaned back on the couch. “What are you doing home so early? I didn’t expect you for hours.”
“Well . . .” I didn’t want to admit it now.
“Well what? I know Taylor didn’t fire you.”
“I needed you. I couldn’t concentrate for worrying about Zac.”
“YOU needed . . .Because of your brother. What you just saw was mild compared to what I’ve been through today. I guess the boys were so used to having you home they just went wild when you left.”
“Why didn’t you call me?”
“Because that’s not a solution. When you are halfway around the world on tour, I can’t just call you to come home. They have got to learn to respect me as much as they do you.”
“You know that the touring helps to support this family.”
“I know that, but it’s not just you being away on tour. It’s you being away even when you are here.”
“At the studio?”
“Not just at the studio, but mentally. You worry about Taylor and Zac more than you do us. You are so wrapped up in Zac you can’t see what’s going on with your own family. I supposed you expected to walk in see me knitting peacefully on the couch and the boys playing quietly.”
“I have a special connection with them from the band. You form a certain bond when you make music together and go on tour together, and experience being on top of the charts, and then not even on the bottom of them.”
“Well, I believe your church teaches you are supposed to have a special connection with your wife, too. And not just when you need her,” she turned and walked towards our bedroom. I followed her. She stopped me at the door, tears streaming down her face. “You are not welcome in here until you figure out your priorities.” She slammed the door shut and I heard it lock.
“Daddy?” Everette came into the hallway, a worried look on his face.
“It’s ok, Ev. Remember we were taking about accidents earlier?”
“Yes.”
“Well, I accidentally said something not very smart to your Mom and made her cry.”
“Apologize?”
“Not yet, but I will.”
“Promise.”
“I promise.”
“Okay.” He wandered off back to his toys, while I went to the kitchen.
I made sure the boys weren’t around and I poured myself a generous glass of Maker’s Mark. It felt nice and warm going down. This was the feeling I’d wanted from Nikki, I thought.
I stopped and looked down at the glass. Was I really trying to replace my wife with alcohol? Was that all she was to me? Something to make me feel better. How did turning to alcohol make me any different than Zac turning to pills? Just because my problem was more socially acceptable didn’t make it ok. How many times have I been reminded of rude things I said while drunk? How many times had I forgotten song lyrics just because I had a drink before the show?
I had to stop. I would make myself. I poured the whiskey down the sink.
“Is that what you do when you can’t run home to me?” Nikki had come into the kitchen to see me holding the empty bottle.
“It was what I started to do. I poured it out when I realized what I was doing. Nikki, I’m sorry. I haven’t been a very good husband for trying to be the world’s greatest big brother. Please forgive me.”
“We need a plan.”
“For what?”
“Some type of code word I can say when I feel like you are abandoning us for the band. A plan to help you figure out that it isn’t wrong to spend time with us instead of your brothers. A plan so that you can actually rest and not feel guilty for taking time to yourself.”
“Okay, I can do that.”
“I’ll think of something while you are at work tomorrow and we’ll talk about it when you get home. And we need to talk to the boys tonight about their behavior when you are at work.”
“I can get on board with that. Do you forgive me?”
Nikki came and put her arms around me. “Of course I do. I can’t be mad at you for caring, even if it makes me feel left out sometimes. That is one of the things I love most about you. Most men are so jaded these days, but you have this wonderful passion for everything you do. I don’t want to change that about you, but I want you to realize you have a choice for how to direct that passion and it doesn’t always have to be towards the band.”
“Alright. You win. No more worrying about my grown-ass brothers.”
“See, that’s what I mean. You take everything to extreme. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. You can still care about your brothers, but realize they do have families of their own. I won’t be mad if they call you for advice, but I can’t stand feeling like second fiddle to them.”
“That’s fair. Should we talk to the boys now, then?”
“No, I need to go ahead and start dinner.”
“I can order out for us.”
“No, I think I’m in the mood to cook tonight, thank you, though. I wouldn’t mind if you stayed in here and talked to me, though.”
“I can help if you like.”
“No, just sit. And maybe go look in on the boys in a little bit. That would be a huge help.”
“I can do that,” I told her. I sat at the counter and turned off my cell phone. The work I promised to log in and do from home would have to wait.