We went home for the holidays because Mom wouldn’t have it any other way.
Holidays in the Hanson house meant lots and lots of food. Thanksgiving and Christmas were so busy, the house so full of extended family, that I was easily able to get away with my new habit of just not eating at all. As long as there was a plate in my hand at all times, no one seemed to notice that the amount of food on it never changed. I took a few small bites here and there, but I didn’t taste any of it. I might as well have been eating cardboard.
Once things settled back down, though, I knew I would have to do more than just pretend to eat. That was where my favorite vice came into the picture.
During a rare moment of quiet and privacy, I bundled up in my winter coat and climbed out my bedroom window onto the pseudo-balcony formed by the roof below. It was a little too chilly out to be comfortable, but the pipe in my hand would warm me up soon enough. Since we had driven back from California, I managed to smuggle home some really good weed from one of the guys who had played bass on one of our demos.
It took just a few hits to level me back out and put a smile on my face. For the last month, the only time I really seemed to be hungry was after I’d smoked some. That was a bad sign, I was sure, but I didn’t really care. As long as I did eventually eat, even if it only happened in the form of late night munchies, I figured I wasn’t too unhealthy.
Once I was swaying a little too much to safely stay on the roof, I climbed back into my room. I kept my coat on for a few minutes while I warmed back up, laying back on my bed and staring up at the ceiling.
I barely heard the soft knock on the door, followed by the creak of it opening. I turned my head slowly and blinked at the figure that appeared in front of my eyes. It was Kate. That didn’t make sense. She should have been in Georgia. But even though I was stoned, I was sure I wasn’t imagining her standing there.
We had only been dating for a few months, but I liked her a lot. I wasn’t sure that I was ready to say I loved her, but I knew someday soon she would want to hear those words. She wouldn’t ask for them, though; she would wait for me to be ready. I really liked that about her.
Everyone liked to joke about how she had dated Isaac first, and I knew some people looked down on her for it. But it wasn’t like that. When Taylor and Natalie started dating, our parents were a little dubious; they didn’t say it, but I thought it was because she was a fan. They felt better about it if Isaac chaperoned, and he took the opportunity to ask Kate to tag along as his date. When he finally talked her into a solo date, he made the wrong move of buying a guitar and naming it after her. Kate had been surprisingly unimpressed by the romantic gesture and dumped him.
But she was attached at the hip to Taylor’s girlfriend, Natalie. When he left his laptop open after an instant message conversation with her, I couldn’t resist sending silly messages, pretending to be him. One time, Kate was at Natalie’s house and she happened to reply. After that, the two of us talked more and more, although neither of us said the words boyfriend or girlfriend. It didn’t really become official until the summer, when Natalie’s planned visit turned into a big camping trip for all of us. We didn’t tell anyone we were together until Halloween, when she and I had dressed as Princess Buttercup and Westley. Few things said “we’re a couple” like a matching Halloween costume, and although I probably should have thought it was cheesy, I didn’t. It was cute and quirky, just like Kate.
“You smell like smoke,” Kate said, sitting down on the bed next to me. “Is that why it’s so cold in here? Were you out on the roof again?”
I nodded. I hadn’t been able to lie to her, at least about the pot. She didn’t lecture me about it, although I could see judgment in her eyes every time the topic came up. After a moment, I found my voice and asked, “What are you doing here?”
“It was a surprise,” she replied. “Nat’s downstairs with Taylor. Your parents thought it would be nice if we came to the New Year’s Eve party you guys are planning, so they flew us out here.”
With some effort, I pulled myself up to a seated position next to Kate and put my hand over hers. I knew I should have said something sweet about how nice it was to see her or whatever, but I couldn’t find the words and my mouth was too dry to speak anyway.
“Are you guys happy to be back home?” She asked, twining her fingers with mine.
“Yeah,” I croaked out. “I think we needed a break from everything out there.”
Kate nodded knowingly. I didn’t tell her everything about the recording process, but there were times when I couldn’t stop myself from venting. I hated putting that burden on her shoulders; it should have been just ours to deal with. But I supposed that was part of the point of relationships–to share your problems.
“Do you wanna take a nap?” She asked. “You just look really tired, that’s all. I think your mom was going to heat up some Christmas leftovers, but I’m sure she won’t mind if I fix you a plate and bring it up here when you’re ready.”
A part of me wanted to just go downstairs; maybe with enough people around, I would be able to push the food around my plate without being noticed. But if it were just Kate and I up here, I’d have nowhere to hide. At the same time… I was sleepy. When was the last time I had slept more than a few hours without tossing and turning? I couldn’t remember. Before California, I was sure.
“Yeah, I think I’ll lay down,” I said, knowing Kate would just hound me about it if I didn’t at least try to sleep.
She gave me a small smile and kissed my cheek. “Alright, I’ll be back soon. And I’m… I’m really glad I got to come out here. I missed you.”
“I missed you, too,” I said softly, but she was already out the door by the time I got the words out.
Once Kate was gone, I pulled myself off my bed and shuffled to the window. I didn’t feel like going all the way outside, but I couldn’t risk the smell of pot smoke in the house, so I just leaned my head out and lit the pipe. If I was going to be forced to eat, I would need an appetite. A few more hits before the pipe wash cashed, and I felt better. I could handle being around Kate and trying to be a good boyfriend better if I were stoned, too. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to be with her, because I did, but I was never sure how to act. Just a few hits, though, and I felt like a human being again.
I stuffed the now cashed pipe into the top drawer of my dresser and collapsed onto my bed again, only barely remembering to close the window first and take off my coat. My eyes fell closed as soon as my head hit the pillow, but I didn’t sleep. At least, I couldn’t really describe those strange dreams as sleeping. They weren’t restful at all, so what was the point?
It wasn’t long, or at least it didn’t feel like very long, before Kate returned. A soft knock at the door announced her presence and roused me from some dream about a faceless monster chasing me through the woods behind our old house. With a sheepish grin, she handed me a plate piled high with all the traditional Hanson family Christmas goodies and a glass of Dr. Pepper.
“Thanks,” I said, sitting up and patting the bed next to me.
Kate sat down delicately and kicked her boots off into the floor before crossing her legs. “I think everyone else is going out to some pool hall or something, but I told them we’d rather stay here. I hope that’s okay.”
“That’s great,” I said, picking up my fork and looking down at all the goodies she’d brought me.
I hadn’t thought I was very hungry, but that changed when I saw the food in front of me. I supposed I had the weed to thank for that, too. My mouth actually watered as I spooned up a heaping helping of sweet potato casserole. Kate knew exactly which foods I would want, and it almost made me feel guilty that she knew me so well when I wasn’t sure what foods she liked at all, aside from Rocky Road ice cream. We had shared a massive cone of it at the lake that summer, and I think that was the moment my feelings changed. But if you asked me anything else about her likes or dislikes, I was afraid I would come up blank. Of course she knew me well; she was a fan first, after all. But it still made me feel guilty. Not guilty enough to stop eating, though.
“Slow down,” Kate said, giggling softly. “You’re going to make yourself sick. And here I was worried because you look like you’ve lost weight. You’re obviously fine.”
“Obviously,” I mumbled sheepishly, pushing the plate away with a bit of pumpkin pie still clinging to the fork. “I guess I didn’t eat much this morning.”
Kate gave a soft sigh. “I just worry about you. I know I sound like your Mom or something, which is so not cool, but I do. With everything going on with the label, I just… I just worry. I know you’re all so stressed out, and when you’re stressed out, you’re not going to take care of yourselves. And you’re teenage boys; you don’t know how to take care of yourself.”
“You do sound like my mom,” I replied, scrunching up my nose and making a face I hoped would make Kate laugh.
It did. She smiled and put her hand on my thigh. “Well, it’s true. I just worry, and you can’t stop me.”
“I’m glad you do,” I replied honestly, brushing a stray strand of hair out of her eyes. Without thinking about what I was about to say, I added, “I love you.”
Kate’s eyes widened, and for a moment, I thought I’d made a big mistake. She blushed and glanced down, and I held my breath. Finally, she glanced back up and gave me a big smile. “I love you, too, Zac. I really do.”
I leaned forward and kissed her softly. I knew that those three words didn’t really change anything, about our relationship or about anything else in my life, but it felt good to say them. It felt good to have one thing that was going right when everything else seemed to be spiraling further and further out of control. I hoped Kate knew how much she really did mean to me. If she didn’t, and if she didn’t feel the same way, I didn’t know what I would do. I needed her to anchor me, I realized. Without her… I didn’t know what would happen.