After several days of communicating solely through our wives, my brothers and I resolved that it would be in everyone’s best interests to take a nice, long break from work and each other until the holidays were over. I elected to spend most of that time sleeping and playing video games. The video games part was a choice, but the sleeping thing really wasn’t; I still found myself with barely enough energy to lift my arms and hold the xBox controller.
The break, which I had no doubt we all did need, had an interesting side effect. It left me absolutely terrified of Christmas. Now, in addition to my fear of having to deal with all the high calorie food and all the family members wanting to shove it down my throat, I had to deal with seeing Taylor and Isaac after a week of radio silence. True, it wasn’t that long of a break, but it was longer than any I could remember the three of us taking since any of our honeymoons. I didn’t know what to do with myself without them, but I didn’t know what to do with them, either.
Christmas Eve was the traditional big day in our family, although the family dinner was pushed earlier and earlier into the day to allow for those of us with families of our own to have plenty of time at home. Inevitably, though, we ended up back at my parents’ house the next afternoon for leftovers, in spite of the fact that we all went home with generous containers full of food.
It all centered around food, didn’t it? That realization occurred to me as I stared down at the plate I had barely touched. Holidays were supposed to be about family and love, but in practice they were about money and food. And if you didn’t eat what was offered, it was a worse offense than buying the wrong gift. As much as it pained me to do so, I knew that I had to at least force down a few bites of ham, maybe a small roll and perhaps a few gulps of eggnog.
None of it went down easily, but I was lost amongst the crowd. Even Isaac didn’t seem to be paying such close attention to me as he had been. Maybe our argument really had blown over and all it had needed to do so was time and space. I was just thankful to blend in and not attract any special attention; I didn’t really care the reason why.
After the main courses had been eaten—or in my case, picked at—the party broke up. Everyone dispersed around the house, some staying for dessert while others wandered off with drinks in hand. I wanted that to be my opportunity to slip away entirely, but I knew it wasn’t. I couldn’t leave without Kate and Shepherd, and I had no place to go even if I did. I had no place at the party either. I couldn’t fake interest in any of the various subjects being discussed in this group or that, and I didn’t have the enthusiasm or energy to play with any of the children.
Who was I kidding? I didn’t have the enthusiasm or energy for anything at all.
After wandering around aimlessly for a few minutes and trying my best to stay out of everyone’s way, I found myself back in the kitchen, still clutching a mostly full glass of my dad’s eggnog. It was strong, like it always was, but I had no desire to get drunk, not after what had happened the last time. Besides, the drink was thick and heavy in my throat, giving off the illusion that I was drinking a thousand calories worth of the stuff. I knew that was an exaggeration, but I also knew it wasn’t low calorie by any means.
“There you are,” Avery said, appearing in the doorway. She plucked a cookie from a plate on the counter and took a bite before speaking again. “Kate was looking for you. I think she’s almost ready to leave; the baby’s already asleep.”
“I’ll go find her soon. I’m just about ready to leave, too.”
“Did you have any of these cookies? They’re really good, especially the chocolate chip. You should take some with you.”
I shook my head.
Avery eyed me closely. “Did you eat anything at all?”
“I’m really not in the mood for a Christmas interrogation, Ave.” I sat my glass down on the counter with a resounding thud. If I hadn’t been ready to go before this, I certainly was now.
“Yeah, well, I was kinda hoping Christmas would be the one time you could put aside this… whatever this is… and just try to be happy. Or at least fake it for everyone else’s sake.”
“You think I can just turn it on and off like that? Like there’s just some switch I can flick?” The words tumbled out of my mouth trailed by a hiccupy gasp. Was I going to cry? I really hoped I wasn’t going to cry.
Avery looked down and shook her head. “I’m sorry, I know it’s not like that. But take it from someone who does a lot of pretending—sometimes it’s necessary. It isn’t fun, but it’s necessary. I know my situation is different, but we all have our things, you know? Our secrets, our pain, our whatever. The stuff that drags us down. What it is may be different, but the way we deal with it is pretty similar. Especially you and me—or I guess that would be the way we don’t deal with it.”
I stifled a laugh at that. “I think ‘don’t deal with it’ is definitely an accurate characterization.”
“Yeah, well, maybe we need to start,” Avery replied. “Or at least put on a better face. Maybe if you fake it enough, it gets easier. If it does, let me know, okay?”
“Will do,” I replied. “If you do the same for me, Avie Baby.”
She winced. “You’re never going to stop calling me that, are you?”
“I hadn’t planned on it,” I replied, managing what felt like my first genuine smile of the entire evening.
Avery opened her mouth to speak again, but closed it when the sound of footsteps came near. Even though we hadn’t said anything all that incriminating, this was still a conversation just for the two of us. There were two people in the world who really understood me, I was realizing. One of them was my little sister, who somehow managed to be the most like me of all my siblings, genetics just somehow aligning to create two similar people five years apart. The other was Kate, even though on the surface we seemed so different.
It wasn’t all that surprising, I supposed, that it was Kate coming around the corner. The two people who knew me best knew exactly where to find me—the kitchen. Even when I couldn’t eat, that was the room my life revolved around, perhaps even more so than the studio.
“Thought I’d find you here,” Kate said. “I didn’t interrupt anything important, did I?”
Avery and I both shook our heads, almost perfectly in sync, which I was sure wasn’t convincing at all. But Kate wasn’t really looking for an honest answer, because she knew the truth whether we said it or not. At times it was kind of freaky the way she could read my mind, but I knew that power only extended so far or she would have run away from me in fear years ago.
But she hadn’t. She had, so far, stood by my side through everything I had gone through and everything I had put her through. And all I had done to thank her… was to put her through even more.
“Had enough of the holiday spirit?” Kate asked. She tapped my glass and added, “Or should I say, holiday spirits?”
“No, I think I learned my lesson on that front,” I replied. I noticed the confused look on Avery’s face and was somewhat relieved; that meant the story hadn’t spread outside of the crowd in attendance at the party. “But yeah, I think I’m ready to head home. I foresee a long night of assembling Christmas presents from Santa in my future.”
Kate chuckled softly. “You know I’ll help.”
“I know,” I replied. “You always do.”
More than she knew, in fact. But it didn’t seem the time and place to get into that when I was in an uncharacteristically good mood.
I turned back to Avery and gave her another smile. “I’ll see you soon, okay? Keep in touch.”
“I will,” she said. Directing her attention to Kate, she said, “And you take care of my big brother. He’s… he’s something else, you know.”
“I know,” Kate replied, her tone a bit more solemn than was perhaps called for. Linking her arm in mine, she said, “And I think it’s far past time for me to get him and his son home. Bye, Avery.”
Avery gave me a quick but tight hug, and I felt like she might break all of my bones. I think she felt it, too, because her eyes were wide when she let go of me. Neither of us said another word as Kate and I turned and walked out of the room.
The living room was still full of various family members, and I hung back behind Kate as she gathered up our things and retrieved Shepherd from my mom, who was keeping an eye on him as he napped off his pureed version of Christmas dinner. It was easier to let Kate speak for me as she made our goodbyes to all of the family who remained, but even I could feel the tension in the air when it came time to say goodbye to Nikki and Isaac.
While Kate and Nikki cooed over Shepherd’s sleeping figure, Isaac and I stared awkwardly at each other. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to talk to him, because in spite of our conflicts, he was still my big brother. It was just that I didn’t know what to say. An apology was probably in order, but the words stuck in my throat.
“Hey,” Isaac finally said, rubbing his chin. “We’ll, uh, we’ll probably get together after New Years, I think. If you’re up for it.”
“Yeah,” I choked out. “I think that… that sounds good.”
Isaac nodded, and we fell back into another awkward silence.
“Sorry, about uh… well,” I mumbled, staring intently at my shoes.
“Yeah,” Isaac replied. “Just… take care of yourself.”
I nodded, but didn’t meet Isaac’s eyes. There was something like pity in his voice, and I decided that was even worse than his condemnation. Isaac was the sort of person who held everyone close to him to high standards. He judged himself most harshly, but as members of the band, the three of us were practically one person, a strange three headed unit. Add onto that the fact that we were, after all, his younger brothers, and Isaac developed a strange way of showing his affection by judging every little thing we did. When he stopped judging, stopped pushing you to do better, and started pitying… that was when you knew he was losing hope.
He wasn’t the only one.