A few short hours later, most of which I spent napping when I wasn’t being poked and prodded by doctors and nurses, I was finally released from the hospital. I had been so out of it, isolated in that little room, that I was surprised to realize it was only early afternoon. When the nurse came in with my release paperwork, she pulled back the curtains I hadn’t even noticed and let the bright sunlight into the room. I didn’t like it at all, and it only made me happier to be leaving.
It took several minutes to struggle back into my clothing, and I was glad no one was around to see how much trouble I was having doing something as basic as putting on my own damn pants. My hands shook and I felt like I really had come down with The Crud. I was sure that was some sort of retribution for using it to cover my ass.
My phone and wallet were sitting to the side of my neatly folded clothes. I dreaded looking at my phone to see just how many missed calls, texts and voicemails I had, but I knew I couldn’t delay forever. I wiggled my stiff fingers, heaved a sigh and picked up the phone. The screen was littered with messages, all from Kate, and I selected a random one to call her number back.
The phone only managed half a ring before Kate answered, breathlessly. “Hello?”
“Hey, Katie,” I said, trying to sound even more pathetic than I felt. I had a feeling I would need all the sympathy I could get to win her forgiveness.
“You sound horrible,” she said. “And you’re in big trouble. I don’t remember the last time I was that worried about you, if ever. What the hell, Zac?”
It was rare for Kate to curse, so I knew she really was upset. While I knew lying to her wasn’t my best course of action, I also knew that the stories I had told the doctor and Taylor wouldn’t work, either. With a soft sigh, I replied, “I really don’t know what happened. I guess the party was a bit too much for me, and it was finally my turn to catch what everyone else on the tour has already had.”
“So were you drunk or sick?” Kate asked, sounding a bit skeptical.
“Sick, mostly, but the alcohol made it worse,” I replied. “They had me hooked up to fluids; I was really dehydrated and feverish. I’m still all shaky, but supposedly they’re letting me leave.”
Kate heaved a big sigh. “You need to take better care of yourself. You know you never do on tour. You don’t eat enough, you stay out too late, you drive yourself into the ground. You’re all like that, but at least you don’t drink and smoke the way your brothers do.”
“I know, Katie,” I replied. “I know. But hey, at least I get to come home tomorrow. You can keep me under your watch for the next two months.”
“I plan to,” she said, and there was something of a teasing tone to her voice. That meant I had escaped the worst of her wrath, at least for the time being.
“I’ll be in good shape with Doctor Kate watching over me,” I said softly.
“I hope so,” she replied. “But I also hope you know you’re not off the hook for good. If you ever pull anything like this again, I’ll be the one to put you in the hospital and make sure you stay there.”
“I know, babe. But you know this was just a freak accident, right? Like you said, I pushed myself too hard and it got the best of me. I should have been able to see it coming, I guess, but it hit me too quickly. I didn’t even feel that bad when I texted you and then laid down. And by the way, I am sorry I wasn’t awake to answer you.” There was nothing technically false in what I had said, but there was a lot left out. It still left a lump in my throat to tell that many lies, though.
“Well, let’s just be glad that it worried me enough to make me call Taylor, or… or god knows where you would be right now. Maybe somewhere worse than the hospital.”
“I don’t think it was that bad,” I replied softly, even though I knew she was right. “I mean, they’re letting me go and the doctor says I’m fine now. Not one hundred percent, but good enough to take care of myself from here on out. Give me a day or two back home with you and I’ll be back to normal.”
“From where I’m sitting, it seemed pretty bad.” Kate took a shaky breath, and I could tell she was trying to compose herself. “But I am glad you’ll be home soon. Can you hurry up?”
I laughed softly. “I’ll see what I can do. Now I’m gonna get myself officially checked out of here and back to the hotel where I can really rest, without nurses bugging me all the time. I’ll call you again tonight, okay?”
“Okay,” she replied. “Talk to you later. Love you.”
“Love you, too. Bye.”
With a still shaking hand, I stuffed my phone into one pocket and my wallet into the other. I grabbed my paperwork from where I had tossed it onto the bed, and decided there was no point delaying things any further. If I stuck around much longer, I was afraid I would never be able to wash off the hospital smell. It felt like it had embedded itself permanently in my skin, and the beeping of various medical machinery echoed in my brain.
Whether it was a freak accident or not, it was definitely not an experience I was keen to repeat.
It took only a few minutes to drop off the paperwork to a very disinterested nurse, and a few more texts to Taylor to figure out at which exit he and Isaac were waiting for me. Finally, I located them standing next to a yellow taxi. Isaac looked disinterested, while Taylor didn’t look at all like he was keeping a horrible secret for me. That was good. That was exactly how I wanted him to look. Maybe he really had bought my story and didn’t think anything was wrong at all.
“Well, you look like shit,” Isaac said.
“Thanks, you too.” I punctuated the statement with a raised middle finger and a smile.
Isaac turned to Taylor. “He can’t be too sick if he’s back to his usual sunny disposition.”
“Can we not argue right now?” Taylor heaved a sigh. “Let’s just get back to the hotel. I think we’ll all feel a lot better if we just get some rest.”
“Alright, alright.” Isaac held his hands up in defeat and climbed into the cab.
Taylor motioned for me to climb in next, which left me sandwiched between the two of them. Physically, it wasn’t as comfortable as I thought it might have been, but it was still reminiscent of being caught in a vice. I wasn’t sure how much longer I could hold up under that sort of pressure.
“Hey,” Isaac called out. “Can we stop at an In and Out? Surely there’s one nearby. Get some burgers to take back to the hotel with us.”
“That sounds like a great idea,” Taylor replied.
“Sure thing,” said the cab driver.
“Did they even feed you in the hospital at all?” Isaac asked.
“No,” I replied. “Well, nothing that can really be considered food.”
“Then we definitely need to get some burgers into you. Several of them.” As if to prove his point, he slapped my stomach with the back of his hand.
I didn’t speak. There was a distinct possibility that if I opened my mouth at all, I would just be sick all over the cab, and no one wanted that. There was no way I could eat that sort of greasy food. It was possibly the last thing I needed right then, but I knew it was a sort of test. If I didn’t eat in front of Isaac, it would be proof positive to him of whatever it was he suspected me of doing. He was calling my bluff, and there was nothing I could do but choke down some burgers and fries.
Only a moment later, we had pulled into a drive through and the cabbie had rolled down the back window so that Taylor could place our order. I let him order for me, not caring at all what he chose. It would all tastes the same—horrible.
The smell of hamburger meat filled the cab and I longed for a window seat so I could at least let the breeze in and perhaps keep myself from suffocating. No such luck, though. Instead, I was stuck holding a bag with two animal style burgers, fries and a chocolate shake. It wasn’t what I would have ordered for myself, but it was what I ended up with, and I knew I was in no condition to be picky. I could feel my brothers’ eyes boring into me—even Taylor—and so I did the only thing I could.
I pulled out a burger and took one huge bite. I immediately regretted it, but I hoped they didn’t see the way I gagged as I forced it down. Somehow, miraculously, I swallowed it. And then I took another bite. And another. Only pausing for sips of my shake and a fry or two, I demolished the first burger in what felt like record time. I felt like a bottomless pit, like a hunger I had never known had been awoken in me. A part of me wanted to scream, to try to find some way to make it stop, but all I did was reach into the bag for the second burger.
I realized, when we arrived at the hotel, that neither of my brothers had so much as touched their food, and yet I was scraping the bottom of my fries and still feeling like I could eat more. Maybe Isaac was right; I did need to get some food in my system. But as it settled in and I realized what a pig I had been, I wanted nothing more than to get it out of my system.
After chipping in my share of the cab fare, I rushed into the hotel and to my room. Without even thinking about what I was doing, working on instinct alone, I scurried to the bathroom. Even with as little practice as I had, it took only a few tries, shoving my finger down my throat, to be successful. It was miserable, but all too easy. I hated how easy it was. The restraint it took to just not eat and the discipline it took to exercise off what I did eat… those things weren’t easy. Throwing up was easy. But there was no doubt that you were fucked up if you stuck your fingers down your throat. It took a level of a delusion not even I could reach to rationalize that, and so I tried to avoid it as much as possible.
Right then, I couldn’t avoid it. I saw no other option but to be right there on my knees on the tile, stomach cramping as my dinner made its second appearance in only a matter of minutes.
By the time I had finished, my throat was burning. I filled one of the hotel’s plastic cups with water and took a hesitant sip, but even that burned. I poured the water out and walked back into the bedroom. The In and Out bag was sitting on the dresser, taunting me. I picked it and the milkshake up and tossed them into the trash before I could give in and eat or drink any more. Just to be on the safe side, I picked up every random piece of trash lying around the room and stuffed those on top of the bag and cup.
With that temptation removed, I pulled my phone from my pocket and texted Kate. I didn’t trust myself to talk to her then, not with the evidence of what I had done still right there in my raw, burning throat. That voice would reveal all of my lies for exactly what they were, I was sure. Better not to speak at all.