The weather turned cold a few days after Thanksgiving and it was almost unbearable. I couldn’t remember the last time Tulsa has been so chilly, although Kate jokingly assured me that if I had a little more meat on my bones, I would be just fine. Rather than binge eating and putting the weight back on, I settled for layering on my heaviest coat over two or three layers of shirts and wearing a scarf, gloves and a beanie whenever I left my warm, cozy home to go work at the studio.
The studio was barely warmer than outside, it seemed, but my brothers laughed at me when I tried to record still bundled up like an Eskimo. Still, my fingers seemed to freeze up and refuse to cooperate if I tried to play piano without them, so I ignored my brothers and carried on.
I ignored my phone, too, until the text message tone gave way to what I recognized as Kate’s ringtone. After three calls in under a minute, I knew whatever she was calling about must be important. I couldn’t imagine what could be so important about Christmas shopping at the mall, but I knew better than to keep ignoring her. I stretched my achy fingers and reached for my phone, hitting ‘answer’ just as it began to ring again.
“Hello?”
“Zac,” she said breathlessly. “We just got the hospital. I’ve been trying to call Taylor but he’s not answering. Nat’s, umm, Nat’s water broke at the mall and we rushed over here as fast as we could. We’re at Saint Francis, so if you could find Taylor and get him here as soon as possible, that would be really great.”
It took a moment for my brain to process her words, rushed and jumbled as they were, but once I did, I replied, “Yeah. I’ll, I’ll find him and we’ll be right there.”
“Thank you.”
The line clicked dead, and I wasn’t even upset that she hadn’t said goodbye. More important things were happening. I stood up and hurried out of the room, ignoring the way my bones protested the sudden movement; lately, I felt closer to sixty than my real age. While my bones popped and creaked, lodging their complaints about my quick movements, I peeked into each room of our studio before finally locating Taylor in front of his computer, eyes glazed over as he stared at the screen.
“Taylor. Hospital. Now.”
He blinked up at me in more utter confusion than I thought even Taylor was capable of.
“Your wife’s in labor and you didn’t answer your phone.”
“Oh,” he said, blinking more rapidly. He picked up his phone and made a face at it. “I guess I didn’t charge it.”
“You can plug it into my car, but let’s fucking go,” I said, motioning toward the front of the office.
Within minutes, we were speeding down the streets of Tulsa toward the hospital. Neither of us spoke during the drive. I didn’t have anything to say, but it seemed like Taylor should have. Then again, he had never seemed to react appropriately to his expanding family, his joy seeming exaggeratedly fake or not present at all. Right then, it was completely absent.
There wasn’t time to dwell on that, though. Finding a spot to park my car, locating the right entrance and finding a nurse who could direct us to Natalie were far more important. As soon as we walked into the hospital doors, Taylor swung into action, although he still seemed to be operating on auto-pilot. Still, he got us where we needed to be, and soon Kate’s tall, thin figure appeared around a corner.
“Katie,” I said, while Taylor branched off to speak to a man I assumed was Natalie’s doctor.
My wife’s head popped up suddenly, and I could see worry etched on her face. She looked like she was carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders and being crushed under it, and I felt horrible for inadvertently putting her in that situation. When she saw me, though, her lips turned up in a smile. It was weak, but still a smile.
“I’m so glad you guys made it,” she said softly, reaching her hands out to me.
I took her hands in mine and squeezed them tightly. “Hey, it’s alright. I’m just sorry we couldn’t make it sooner. I drove as fast as I could.”
“It’s okay,” she replied. “Can we, umm, can we take a walk? There’s a machine with surprisingly good coffee just down the hall here.”
“Yeah, sure,” I said, wrapping an arm around her waist. Even as frail as I was lately, it felt like I could break her with just that one hand. We were both fading away, it seemed.
Neither of us spoke again until Kate was cradling a cappuccino in her hands. She blew on it gently, then took a small sip and finally looked at me again. “I don’t know what the doctor was telling Taylor, but it’s… it’s not going well. Nat was having pains all day but she swore it was nothing to worry about. I guess walking around the mall stressed her body out and sped things up. Now they’re saying her blood pressure is too high and they’ve got to get it down or they’ll have to do a Cesarean. God, I feel awful, walking around and shopping all day and not even thinking how much it could be hurting her.”
“You couldn’t have known,” I replied. “If she said the pains were no big deal, of course you were going to take her word for it. It’s her fourth kid; she should have been able to recognize what were no big deal and what were serious labor pains. If she couldn’t or wouldn’t tell, then how could you expect to know?”
Kate sighed. “I don’t know. But I hate it when you’re right.”
“Oh, let me have one or two,” I said, giving her a small smile.
“I suppose,” Kate said, but her own smile was short-lived. “It’s just… it just makes me think about a lot of stuff.”
“Like what?” I asked, but I could already guess. I didn’t feel like sharing, but I wasn’t exactly enjoying being back in the hospital so soon, even if I wasn’t a patient this time. I tried not to think about that, though, forcing myself to block out that trademark hospital smell and focus on what Kate was saying.
“Well, I think about how hard it was for us and how scared I was. The whole time, until he was in my arms, I was so scared that we weren’t going to make it. And I guess a part of me feels like this is our punishment, this is retribution somehow. For finally getting what I wanted, and for both of us wanting that perfect fairytale of having our babies at the same time. How silly and selfish is that? Trying to bend the world to our will, and this… this is what we get. Miscarriages and complications and… and… just, everything. I know things could be so much worse, though, so then I just feel awful for feeling sorry for myself because the perfect life I planned ended up just a bit left of center.”
“Everyone has dreams, Katie. Things they wish for, things they strive for. You shouldn’t feel guilty for that.” Somehow, even though I knew it was true, I felt like a hypocrite for saying it. Hadn’t I striven to have the perfect life with her, too? To be a perfect, flawless person?
“And you’re right again,” she said softly. “Can you just stop that already?”
“I’ll try,” I replied, chuckling softly. “But seriously, this isn’t like… it isn’t some zero sum game. I know maybe it goes against everything they say in church, but maybe there’s not a reason for things. Maybe some things just happen, whether you’re good or bad, whether you deserve them or you’re supposed to learn from them or whatever. Maybe they just happen and all you can do is… just survive. Just fight the urge to give up.”
“It’s hard to fight sometimes, isn’t it?” She asked, her voice cracking.
“It is,” I admitted, leaning my forehead against hers. “It’s hard as hell. But you and I… we’ve got reasons to fight, don’t we? More now than we used to.”
“Yeah,” she breathed out. “You’re batting three and oh now, you know.”
I gave her a peck on the lips. “All I know is that I want you to be happy. I want to take some of this pain away for you, because fuck what I just said, you don’t deserve it. You just don’t.”
“You don’t deserve any of yours, either,” she replied. “But you’re as stubborn as I am. You know we’ll just go on shouldering all that pain alone, when the whole point of being married ought to be to share your burdens.”
“If only sharing them would diminish them. But I’m afraid it would just pull us both under all that much faster.”
“Maybe so,” Kate replied softly. “Maybe so.”
I gave her another soft kiss, but it was quickly interrupted by the sound of footsteps. We both jumped back, Kate nearly losing her grip on her cappuccino in the process and a few drops splashing onto the floor. The footsteps abruptly stopped and Taylor appeared around the corner, leaning on the wall as though it were the only thing keeping him upright.
“They’re, umm, they’re taking her in to prep for the C-section now,” he breathed out. “I called Mom and Dad—and Pam, she’ll be here soon. You two can… you can stay or go or whatever you want to do. Mom said to call her if you want to pick up Shep so they don’t have to bring him here with them when they come with all of ours. God, I don’t know how I’m going to explain of this to them…”
“Why do you have to explain anything?” I asked.
Taylor stared at me blankly. “Because… because, god I don’t know what’s going to happen.”
“The doctors will get it under control,” I replied, although I wasn’t sure I believed that. “Just tell them what they need to know—their new baby brother will be here soon.”
Taylor nodded. “Okay. Alright. Yeah, umm…. Alright. Go get some rest. You look awful. Not you, Kate.”
Kate laughed softly. “No, I’m sure I do. Let me just go say goodbye to Nat, if they’ll still let me, and then I think we should go. Call or text us as soon as you know anything, okay?”
“I will,” Taylor replied. “And I think if you hurry you can catch her before they take her back.”
Kate turned back to me and gave me a look that let me know our conversation wasn’t over yet. “I’ll be right back, okay? Just stay here.”
“Okay,” I replied.
She scurried off, her boots echoing against the tile. Once the sound had faded off into nothing, Taylor seemed to remember I was there and gave me a long hard look. “Are you alright?”
“Yeah,” I replied with a nod. “Why wouldn’t I be?”
“I don’t know. It’s been a long day and it’s barely even lunch time. And I can’t even think about eating right now.”
“You need to,” I replied, feeling like the world’s biggest hypocrite, but knowing I was saying the right thing, whether I believed it or not. “Keep your energy up. It could be an even longer day before it’s over.”
“Yeah, you’re right,” he replied, then gave me another long, hard look. “Like I said, you get some rest. Try to take care of yourself, okay?”
“I will,” I replied, hoping he couldn’t tell it was a lie.
Rest sounded good, though. It seemed I spent every free hour sleeping, and still I was exhausted. And cold. The hospital was even chillier than the studio; as Taylor wandered away, I tightened my scarf and adjusted the hat that I hadn’t even taken off before coming inside.
As I waited for Kate to return, I could only hope that everything I had said was right. I was so full of optimism and reassurances for everyone else, but it all felt hollow. Where was the confidence that I would be okay? Why couldn’t a little bit of that remain for me? Instead, I just felt like I was staring into a black hole where the only bright spots were the wife and son I didn’t even feel like I deserved.