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With Isaac still recovering from his illness and most of our crew now infected with it, I was sure that his birthday would be a more sedated occasion this year. I was wrong. In spite of the fact that our bus had essentially become a rolling quarantine unit, no one even seemed to question the fact that there would be a party on Ike’s birthday, which coincided with the end of the tour in California.

The party was, like most parties, not really my scene at all. There was at least a small grouping of stoners in one corner, and that was good. I had been popping those diet pills like Tic Tacs all day and I was feeling it. My foot wouldn’t stop tapping against the floor, and soon enough, my whole leg was shaking. I put my hand on my knee to hold it down, but it didn’t help. A little pot was exactly what I needed to level myself back out.

With both drugs in my system, I had to find a place to focus my energy, and that place ended up being Carrick’s meager selection of video games. By that point, I didn’t really care whether I liked the games or not, and it didn’t even matter that no one else seemed interested in playing with me. The fact that I was kicking all of their asses was probably why they kept dropping like flies. Who needed these random California boys I didn’t even know, anyway?

My brothers could easily find a crowd to hang out with, adapt themselves to any group they found their way into, but it didn’t come so easily for me. I could bluff my way out of a lot of situations, but I never stuck around for very long. I was better at keeping people at arms length rather than developing even a surface level connection with them. Sometimes I envied my brothers in that way, but most of the time I didn’t. Knowing them the way I did, it only made them seem superficial to watch how they could drift in and out of different personalities, adapting themselves to suit their purposes in that moment.

At the current moment, Isaac was surrounded by women, which I was sure was exactly where he wanted to be. It was a good thing he didn’t have a jealous wife, but it was also a good thing that he was no more than just a big flirt. Once upon a time he might have gone farther than just cracking jokes and refilling everyone’s drinks, but he was hopelessly devoted to Nikki now.

And Taylor… well, I had no clue where Taylor was. Until a body flopped down on the couch next to me and I recognized the flash of blonde hair attached to it.

“Hey, Zac,” he slurred. I had to blink at him a few times to bring him into focus, but even when I did, he still seemed a bit fuzzy around the edges.

“Hey,” I replied. Raising an eyebrow at his disheveled appearance, I asked, “Enjoying the party?”

“Mhm.” Taylor gave an exaggerated nod. “Are you?”

“As much as I enjoy any party,” I admitted.

Taylor gave me a sad pout, then said, “You know, I’m sorry about the other day. Ike came down pretty hard on you, and I wasn’t much better. You didn’t really deserve that.”

“Maybe I did,” I replied, shrugging.

“No, I mean it,” Taylor said, and I almost laughed at his drunken earnestness. “You have every right to be tired, stressed out, whatever… you’re a new dad. Comes with the territory. We’re not trying to be mean when we worry that you’re not taking care of yourself, but… well, you know Ike. Sometimes it comes off mean anyway.”

That was true enough, at least. Even if Taylor’s reasoning as to why I’d been off lately wasn’t really sound, I appreciated the thought. I doubted he would remember it in the sober light of day, but I appreciated it nonetheless.

“Thanks,” I choked out, the word seeming to get stuck in my throat. I sounded too sincere, like I really did have some reason to be upset with him. I didn’t like it. A joke was what I needed to lighten the mood. “You know I don’t really pay attention to either of you anyway.”

Taylor laughed, but his smile didn’t quite reach his eyes. I wished I could ignore that, but once I saw it, I couldn’t. Was it because of me? Did Taylor see through me? I felt selfish for even asking myself that question. Why did I have to assume everything was about me? Maybe there was something going on in Taylor’s life. Maybe I should ask him. My mouth went dry at the very prospect of it. Not only selfish, but a coward, apparently.

“I’ll be right back,” I mumbled, but I think we both knew that I wouldn’t.

I had smoked too much, I decided. I was paranoid and crashing fast. It was a delicate balance, trying to get my mood just right. Right then, I decided another handful of pills was called for. I had been coerced into eating a big chunk of birthday cake earlier that evening, so really, I needed the pills for more than one reason.

The kitchen was teeming with people, most of them also on one substance or another. No one noticed the guy washing down amphetamines with rum and coke. It was almost too easy to get away with it, really, and I knew I was getting away with something. No one cared about the pot or the alcohol, but there were lines I knew weren’t supposed to be crossed. I didn’t care, though. I needed this. No one would understand it, but at times like these, surrounded by all the temptations anyone could want, it was hard not to feel like everyone was enabling me. Maybe they knew I needed it, too.

The night became a blur then, but not in a bad way. It planted itself in my memory only in flashes—a joke here, a game of Wii bowling there and a long walk back to the hotel that somehow turned into a run.

I felt more alive than I had in months.

Isaac and Taylor just laughed at me as I skipped and jogged circles around them. This was the old me, at least in their eyes. Funny, ridiculous, absurd Zac. The class clown. The court jester. The funniest part of all was that you could get away with being the most depressed person in the room as long as you laughed the loudest. Who would ever question you if you were making them laugh? Who would ever think to doubt it? The guy who seemed more alive than anyone else couldn’t possibly want to die, could he?

The hotel night clerk eyed us angrily as we made our way inside, still laughing and even dancing. I didn’t care. I shot him a huge, shit-eating grin as I skipped by. I felt invincible. I felt like a child again.

I tapped my foot nervously as we took the elevator back to our floor. I could see Isaac and Taylor eyeing me, and I was sure they were wondering what my problem was. If they only knew. I had too much energy for the party to end now, but my brothers had apparently decided we should actually use those hotel rooms we had paid for, rather than stay up all night partying. Still, I wanted to keep going. When had I become such a party animal? I knew the answer to that, though.

Once the elevator stopped, I was off like a shot, even though all that awaited me was a lonely, empty hotel room. Maybe I needed another pill or two. No, that wouldn’t help. Another bowl might bring me down and help me sleep, but I wasn’t so sure that I was ready to come down.

“Zac?” Taylor called out from behind me. “I asked if you were alright.”

I spun around to face him and only slightly lost my balance, catching it with a palm planted against the wall. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I don’t know,” Taylor replied. “You just seem… are you drunk?”

“Are you?” I shot back.

“Yes.” Taylor nodded. “But you’re all… you’re all red. Are you hot? You look hot.”

“Are you hitting on me?” I asked. “I feel fine, Nurse Taylor. Maybe it’s my turn to get The Crud, but I’m fine.”

Taylor eyed me for a moment, his eyes crossing. He was definitely drunk, although I had to admit that I really wasn’t sober either. Now that Taylor mentioned it, I did feel a little warm, but I wasn’t too worried about it. I was pretty sure that was just a side effect of the pills.

“Well… alright,” Taylor said. “See ya tomorrow.”

It was a good thing he was so drunk, I decided. It kept him from being determined to get to the bottom of my problems. In seconds, he was distracted by some corny joke Isaac was telling, and I was able to make my escape. I scurried into my room before either of them could say anything else, and leaned against the closed door, breathing heavily like I had just run a marathon.

I took a few deep breaths, but they didn’t really help. My heart was racing, and the few steps it took to reach the bedside table where I had left a bottle water felt like a mile. I gulped down the rest of the bottle in just a few seconds, and tried to force myself to think.

Something was wrong. The rational voice in the back of my head that I had tried to drown out knew that, but I could barely hear it over my heartbeat pounding in my ears. I needed something. I needed to do something. But I couldn’t even begin to think of what.

Katie.

She would know what to do, I was sure of that. It was early in the morning in Oklahoma, but with a new baby, I doubted she would be asleep anyway.

It took a few tries to pull my phone from my pocket, and my vision blurred as I tried carefully to type a message. My fingers didn’t want to cooperate, but finally I managed to fire off a text to my wife.

 

Long night out celebrating Ike’s bday. Everybody on the tour is sick and now everybody’s shitfaced too. Miss you. I know it’s early but I just miss you and I hope you’re not sleeping. Love you. Tell Shep I love him too.

 

With my message, pathetic as it was, sent, I collapsed onto the bed. My phone fell with a dull thud to the mattress beside me and I decided to leave it right there so I would hear when Kate texted back or called. With some effort, I managed to take off my shoes and fling them across the room. I was still burning up. The air was running at full blast, though. Growling, I struggled to free myself of my clothing, not stopping until I was down to nothing but my boxer briefs. That was better, but only slightly. The effort of that left me sweating, and I fell back to the mattress, not bothering to pull back the covers or even try to situate myself comfortably.

My last thought as everything faded to black was that it was still just too damn hot.

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