Heavy Was The Sound I Could Not Lift
I was in for a heavy one when I could feel you pull away
On the way down, it almost was too much to take
Even though I tried, it was never enough
We’re running in the same damn place
But I never stopped or gave up
I couldn’t ever let you go
Jordan Taylor (sacredfool83) wrote in jordantaylorfans,
2008-08-01 15:47:12
Just a few updates
Hey y’all. Thought I would drop in and just update everybody on what’s going on lately. I know a lot of you follow my journal as well as maybe some other sites like Facebook and MySpace, so you see things before others do, but I wanted to make sure everybody got all the news.
So, first of all, I’m going to be using MySpace as more of a music/business/whatever thing than a personal thing. It’s too hard to keep up with so many different things, so it’s really just going to be my “band” page where I share my new music. So don’t take it personally if I don’t reply to messages on there. I promise there are plenty of other ways to get in touch with me.
But speaking of new music, I really appreciate all the feedback on the new songs I’ve released lately. They’re just demos at this point and some of them are really, really rough. But I’ve had a lot of inspiration this summer and I can’t resist sharing when things just come to me like that and beg to be sung about. So it’s really great to know that everyone appreciates it, even when they are majorly majorly rough drafts.
And I guess I just really wanted to say thank you to everyone who is here for the music. It’s been a long ride to get to the point where I could put my own music out and do my own thing. Going indie is scary, but it’s the only way to know that I’m in control of what I share. That’s so important to me, y’all. I want to be able to be genuine and honest with you guys. I know I can be a pretty private person, for someone who writes so many deeply personal songs, and I appreciate everyone who understands that.
I’m just really feeling the love lately and I wanted to share it. I have the best fans, honestly.
Ever since she had read Taylor’s latest LiveJournal update, Carolina had felt off, like something in her world had shifted and she just didn’t quite understand. Realistically, she knew that it must be a coincidence that he decided to make such a change to his MySpace so soon after she had sent him that video.
Yet she still couldn’t stop blaming herself.
All of her reckless behavior seemed to finally be catching up with her. She was presumptuous and messy, and she didn’t know why she bothered to think that Taylor might be interested in someone like that. He valued privacy—he made that very, very clear. Of course he did, with fans as crazy as his. Anyone who couldn’t contain themselves, who opened their mouths, who got so sloppy drunk… of course he would want to distance himself from that.
She had been such an idiot. It was clear to see now.
Although she was stuck in the middle of the summer reading finale at the Scotts Valley branch, it was as though she had tunnel vision. None of the sounds of children laughing and partying around here seemed to penetrate; it was all a dull roar in the background of her roiling thoughts. She could see no way out of the mess she was in, and she wasn’t so sure she wanted out, anyway. She only wanted control.
“Hey,” one of the other librarians, a girl named Norah, said as she sat down next to Carolina with a heaping plate full of food. Norah was close to her age, she thought, and though she constantly ate, was tall and slim. “The cupcakes are really good. You should grab one before they’re all gone.”
“I’m not really hungry, but thanks,” Carolina replied.
The truth was, she was starving. But she had started a new diet that week, determined to be down at least ten pounds the next time she saw Taylor. Even that wouldn’t get her to a weight she was truly happy at, but it was a start. Again, all she wanted was control—for the constant flip flopping to stop, for getting dressed in the morning not to be a struggle because she never knew what would fit anymore.
Norah eyed her, looking like she might make some other comment about Carolina’s eating habits, but thankfully, she didn’t. She just continued to stuff her own face in silence.
Carolina was being too harsh, she knew. She actually liked Norah and thought maybe they could even be friends. She just didn’t know how to approach it, how to move past work friends to the real friends category. She was too awkward and too much of a hermit. If their friendship was going to move along, it was going to have to be Norah that made the move.
She couldn’t help but think back to her recent conversations with Laura and Mia. Laura could say all she wanted about how similar she and Taylor were, but she didn’t seem to understand why that meant that both of them were stuck, unable to do more than exchange a few vaguely flirty messages here and there but never have a real conversation. She didn’t understand that it was completely impossible for Carolina to put herself out there, to take the sort of risk it would take to make any sort of real move.
It wasn’t who Carolina was, and it never would be, in spite of what other risky things she had done recently.
She probably needed to be in therapy, just as Mia had suggested for Taylor, but it was something she had always been taught to judge people for. Regular people dealt with their mental shit on their own and didn’t need help. That was for the truly weak and crazy ones. She knew that wasn’t the truth, but it was hard to break free of that bias. And anyway, she didn’t want to change herself completely; she just wanted the world to understand and accommodate her the way she was. Why was that so difficult?
Carolina suddenly felt sick to her stomach, though she couldn’t exactly pinpoint why. She cleared her throat and, without looking Norah in the eye, said, “I think I’m going to head back to the office for a while. Let me know if I’m needed out here. I’ll come help clean up, for sure, but I have to finish up all my end of the month reports.”
It wasn’t entirely a lie, and that was the only reason Carolina was able to get it out without stumbling over her words. Once again, she had tucked tail and run away when she should have stayed and tried to be a normal person. But she just couldn’t. She couldn’t be around all the parents and children, all so loud and happy, or try to socialize with anyone else.
At least she was good at her job, she thought, as she plopped down in front of her computer. That seemed to be the one area of her life that was consistently not a mess. Even when everything else was going to hell, even when she was barely holding it together, things at work were always fine. It was possible that she made a point of working extra hard just so she could say that it was the one thing going right. Carolina realized that probably meant that she was headed for a serious crash and burn sooner rather than later, but for right then, she was just happy to know she wasn’t fucking everything up.
For as long as she could, she was going to cling to what she still had, what was still good in her life. Even if she had to keep a death grip on it, she would not let go.
As she waited for her computer to generate the materials added and deleted reports she needed to give to her director, Carolina’s mind wandered again. Those reports always slowed the entire computer system down, but it was a good excuse to hide in her office and wait for them to finish. In the meantime, Carolina wondered again just how much she had fucked everything up over the last month.
It dawned on her, suddenly, that she had never apologized to Taylor for her behavior the last time she was in Los Angeles. It would probably just draw more attention to do it now, but the idea had planted itself in her mind and wouldn’t let go. It seemed lately all she was doing was apologizing to him. That probably wasn’t good. But he needed to know that she was rational and capable of self-reflection. He needed to know that all of her actions didn’t represent who she truly was.
She fumbled in her purse until she found her phone and typed a text.
Hey, I hope you’re feeling better today after partying at that show last night
Little hungover but nothing I can’t handle. Thanks for chceking on me, though
Chceking? Yeah, I can see that hangover 😛
Give the homeschool kid a break 😉
Well, speaking of hangovers I just wanted to apologize for being such a hot mess a couple weeks ago. And to say thanks for letting me crash at your place.
Hey, we’re all hot messes every now and then. No worries.
Yeah, I just feel bad. It seems like I always need rescuing when I see you.
Carolina put her phone away then, sensing that the conversation wasn’t exactly going how she had hopped. She hadn’t entirely meant to admit her vulnerability, either. The common denominator was Taylor; being around him absolutely undid her, made her forget every strength she had fought for and won. She had clawed herself out of hell to be the person she was, and every second with Taylor, she slid back down the ladder.
She glanced back at her computer screen, hoping to lose herself in her work again. No such luck. The cursor was still spinning, the reports taking their sweet time generating. She picked up an ink pen and began to twirl it between her fingers. As she did so, she envisioned stabbed herself with it.
Great, she thought. Intrusive thoughts were a sure sign she was hitting rock bottom.
Carolina had been there before, and it was not a place she wanted to go back to. There was no reason, anyway, she told herself. Things with Taylor weren’t that bad; they just weren’t moving as quickly as she would have liked. And why would they, when, as Laura pointed out, she hadn’t told him how she felt?
She couldn’t, though. It was impossible.
All she could do was keep trying to be good enough, keep trying to prove that she was nothing like the other fans, the ones she knew he secretly had in mind when he wrote that LiveJournal post.