In My Dreams We’re Always Laughing
But it kills me to see
That you don’t give a damn about me
Oh I’d die for the chance we could be
Like we were when the summer was right
But you can’t bring back days
Or nights that you’ve done danced away
I keep hopin’ that maybe you’ll stay
Don’t leave me here lonely tonight
“Have you read that Devon chick’s LiveJournal lately?” Laura asked.
Carolina shook her head. Although she had Skype open on her laptop, she was paying more attention to some pages of her latest manuscript that she had printed out before leaving work that afternoon. “No, I try to avoid reading it at all. I just see the shit she comments on his LJ and the community. Why?”
“She’s just going off about politics this time. How the democrats are going to ruin basic family values or whatever. Something about gay people and, I don’t know, women in the workforce. Honestly, it’s practically word salad.”
“Yeah, I don’t know how anyone can follow any of what she posts,” Carolina replied, rolling her eyes. “And I don’t know why she wants to be a part of this fandom. Taylor is, like, everything she hates in a guy. Or in any person. And I don’t see any reason why she would think he wants to be with someone like her.”
“Oh, she’s got a theory for that, too. See, a relationship just isn’t well balanced if both people in it share the same beliefs.”
“You know, on the surface, that seems like maybe the only reasonable thing she’s ever said,” Carolina said. “But then, really think about it. That would mean someone like me needs to be with a conservative dude. And trust me, I know that shit doesn’t work.”
“Really? I can’t see you with a republican,” Laura replied.
Carolina nodded and glanced back at the screen. “Yeah, it happened. I mean, I was in high school, and it’s slim pickings in West Virginia. Plus, I wasn’t really as political then anyway so I didn’t really see the problem. But then he’s like… so angsty over the fact that we’re fooling around and telling me he’ll leave me if I get pregnant, as though it won’t be his fault, too—and his child. And we hadn’t even gone all the way, so that was a super hypothetical that came out of nowhere.”
“Yikes. And then you broke up with his sorry ass, right?”
“Not soon enough, but yeah.” Carolina let out a squeak as she opened her MySpace and saw that there was—finally—a new message notification.
“What is it?”
“Taylor finally replied to that video. Which, for the record, I still can’t believe I sent him.”
“Well, I for one, am proud of you.”
Carolina made a face. “I just didn’t want to be like you know you… you know? But okay, I gotta see what he has to say. Before I lose my nerve and just delete my entire account.”
Laura chuckled, then went silent as she waited for Carolina to read the message from Taylor. It was brief, and Carolina tried not to let herself feel discouraged because of that.
From: Jordan Taylor
Date: July 28, 2008
Subject: Re: a little light reading
Body: and that’s where you choose to stop????
Carolina knew he had a point, but she had no desire to record anything else. She had already gone farther than she was comfortable with, and that was saying a lot, considering the sort of things she wrote. That was different, somehow. This—or even sharing her own fantasies with Taylor—was too personal. What she wrote didn’t have to be her fantasy. It didn’t have to be anything at all that she was interested in actually doing. Hell, it often wasn’t even anything she had the anatomy to do.
“Hello? You still there?” Laura asked, shaking Carolina out of her thoughts.
“Yeah, sorry,” Caroline replied. “He isn’t happy that I stopped before the really good stuff, I guess.”
“You tease,” Laura replied, giggling.
“That’s a first. Considering the way he is.” Carolina shook her head. “I still don’t understand why any of this is happening at all. Or how. Like, what does he even see in someone like me?”
“What wouldn’t he see? You’re hilarious, super smart, politically minded like him—he literally just described exactly you the other day when someone asked him what he was looking for.”
“Yeah, but—I mean. Look at him. And look at me. I’m not saying I’m hideous or anything, but there’s a reason guys who look like him have never been interested in me.”
Laura made a face. “Okay, but you always talk about what a small town you grew up in. I doubt it had guys who look like him.”
“Hey—” Carolina said, her initial reaction one of offense, feeling the need to defend her hometown. Then she racked her brain. She had been interested in some reasonably attractive guys back then, but it was true that none of them were like Taylor. They were all… conventional. Attractive in a plain way. Not the dangerous, unusual, unearthly way that Taylor was. “Yeah, okay. That’s fair. But I still just don’t think it’s a very even match.”
“I think you just don’t see yourself like other people do. Especially like he does. I promise you he’s not thinking of it in terms of whether or not you’re attractive enough. He’s just thinking in terms of what you make him feel.”
“Yeah, and what is that, exactly?”
Laura shrugged. “I don’t know. I can only tell you what I see. And what I see is two people who are really perfectly matched for each other, whether they are both aware of it or not. But I think you’re both more aware than you want to admit.”
“Whatever,” Carolina replied, shaking her head. “I know what you see, and I know what I feel, but until he says something… I just can’t really believe it.”
“And why can’t you be the one to say something?”
Carolina shook her head harder. Her heart raced at the mere thought of saying anything. “Yeah, no. That won’t happen. That’s not what I do.”
“Well, maybe it needs to be. Because I don’t think it’s what Taylor does either. Which just goes to show—you two are basically the same person, and I don’t care what fucking Devon says about unbalanced relationships, it’s fucking adorable how similar you two are.”
“I’m not sure what’s adorable about watching two absolute hot messes destroy their own lives, but sure, whatever amuses you.”
Laura laughed, but Carolina noted that she made no effort to dispute her description of the situation. Her laughed faded out as she picked up her phone and looked at the screen for a moment. “Hey, it’s Mia. Would it be alright if I added her to the call?”
“Sure, whatever,” Carolina replied, shrugging in a way she hoped appeared casual enough.
Talking to Mia had her walking on eggshells, wondering if she was saying too much. At the same time, she wanted to be able to trust her and to talk to her about what was really happening. The more they talked, the more Carolina became certain that Taylor and Mia hadn’t talked about it at all. Mia was in the dark. But if she knew… maybe it would help.
Then again, maybe not.
In any case, in just a matter of seconds, Mia had been added to the call, and she appeared on the screen, plucking bobby pins out of her hair, which was in tight ringlet curls.
“Hey,” she said. “Sorry, I just got home from a photoshoot, and I was trying to catch up on what I missed online. I saw Devon is back again.”
“Yeah, Laura was just telling me about that, too,” Carolina said.
Mia sighed softly. “It’s just—I know she’s really frustrating and I know, especially when she gets political, it’s really tempting to argue with her.”
“Like when she went off on me for mentioning an Obama rally?” Carolina offered.
“Yeah, like that,” Mia replied. “And I think in that case, it was totally understandable. You said what you had to say there, and that’s fine.”
“She just really pushes my buttons,” Laura remarked.
“I know, and I totally understand that. Trust me. But the thing you need to understand is that she’s—I mean, she’s truly mentally ill. And I don’t know that she’s really getting the treatment she needs, but she lives with her parents and doesn’t go anywhere, so it’s really all harmless. It’s just talk. And I’ve talked to her, so I know that she truly does have several diagnoses that aren’t my place to talk about, except to tell you they exist.”
“Okay…” Carolina replied. She was having sudden flashbacks to their conversation about Delanie, and she struggled to understand how this was any different.
“And so, a big part of what her disease makes her think is that… well, she truly, genuinely believes she is in a relationship with Taylor. Or that she will be and it’s just a matter of time. They’re soulmates and that’s all there is to it. So, when people disagree with that or say things that suggest that Taylor is involved with someone else or anything like that, she just spirals down because her brain can’t handle that.”
“So is Taylor just supposed to never date anyone ever because Devon can’t handle it?” Laura asked, practically taking the words she couldn’t say out of Carolina’s mouth.
“No, not at all. I mean, he can’t just not live his life because of her. But of course he always has to take into consideration how his fans are going to be feel about things, and he wouldn’t ever want to do anything to purposefully upset or alienate anybody.”
Carolina doubted all of that was strictly true. He didn’t seem quite that sensitive—not that he was rude, either. It was just more complicated than even Mia had explained. “So I guess there’s no point in him trying to talk to Devon and get through to her?”
Mia shook her head. “No, it wouldn’t work. I think he knows that well enough not to even try.”
“So then what does he do? What can he do?” Laura asked.
“Just keep living his life. I think what prompted this was his Facebook status earlier. He mentioned getting back into online dating. That was all it took to trigger her this time, I guess. And like I said, I know it’s tough, but you just have to ignore her. Say what you need to say when she speaks directly to you but try not to take any of it personally and get into a real argument.”
“It’s just tough,” Carolina replied, swallowing around the lump in her throat that had formed at the words online dating. “Especially when she does this all over the community. It makes it look like such an awful thing to be a part of it, and I don’t want any new people coming in to think this is normal and this is what his fandom is like.”
“I know, and that’s why I say—reply, defend yourself, stick up for yourself and your friends. Put truth and positive energy out there so that people see that she’s the outlier. But don’t expect to change anything about her behavior.”
“You are such a Californian,” Laura replied, and even Carolina managed to laugh softly at that.
Discreetly, Carolina picked up her phone and opened a text to Laura.
He’s online dating now. That’s nice.
He’s allowed to do that. You’re not dating.
No, I know. But I mean I don’t have any interest in online dating or looking for someone other than him right now. But if he’s looking for someone other than me then why am I bothering?
He doesn’t know you want to be with him! He isn’t going to stop looking if he has no clue that you’re interested.
I don’t think I’m explaining myself well. I don’t know. Just forget I said anything.
Carolina sighed and glanced back at the screen. She hadn’t followed any of what Mia and Laura were talking about, and she didn’t know how Laura could text her and still carry on a conversation at the same time.
“I think I need to go,” Carolina replied. “Sorry, I’ve had a really long day at work. Let me know if Devon says anything else crazy, though.”
“Just try not to worry about it,” Mia said.
“Yeah, good luck with that,” Carolina said, rolling her eyes slightly. “I worry about literally everything. It’s just me. But I’ll talk to you later, girl.”
“Later,” they both replied.
Carolina shut down Skype and sighed. Against her better judgment, she flipped back over to MySpace and began to type.
From: Caro Lina
Date: July 29, 2008
Subject: Re: Re: a little light reading
Body: let’s call it a cliffhanger, k?