Give Me Just a Little
I’ve never felt nothing like that
Looking at you, looking right back
You say nothing is ever as good as it seems
Stop running your mouth like that
‘Cause you know I’m gonna give it right back
San Francisco was warm, even in October. Carolina didn’t think she would ever truly adjust to the weather in California, but she certainly didn’t miss harsh winters, either. There were definitely worse places to be than sitting out in the sun on a San Francisco street, Carolina decided—even if her anxiety had caused her to get there and line up hours earlier than was strictly necessary to get a good spot.
Even though it was early and she knew Laura had a slightly longer drive, she had texted her as soon as she got in line for the concert. Since then, she had been obsessively checking her phone, both for messages from her and from Taylor. Finally, an hour shy of doors opening, her phone buzzed. It was Laura.
I can see you 😊
Carolina glanced around, finally spotting a short blonde across the street. She wasn’t entirely sure, until the figure began to practically sprint across the crosswalk at the corner, and then she was certain it was Laura. She was shorter in person, but even bubblier than she appeared in her photos.
“Hey!” Laura called out once she was just a yard or two away.
Somewhat in spite of herself, Carolina spread out her arms and embraced Laura. She wondered if anyone around them realized the two had never met in person before, and what they would think about it if they did. She supposed it didn’t really matter.
“I’m so glad you made it,” Carolina replied honestly. “I was starting to worry.”
Laura groaned and rolled her eyes. “Traffic. I’m sure you know about that better than I do, though.”
“I do,” Laura agreed. “I tried to avoid driving completely in San Jose, and I’m still kinda out of practice. The whole way here I was paranoid I was going to miss a text or something, too.”
“Have you heard from you know who?”
“Voldemort?” Carolina giggled. “No, not today. We talked on AIM a little bit yesterday and I gave him my phone number. I don’t really like using AIM on my phone, so I thought that would be easier, but he hasn’t said anything since then.”
“I don’t know if that was a good move. I mean, he doesn’t really know you. I don’t think he would want to just give out his phone number like that.”
“Yeah, maybe not,” Carolina replied, suddenly feeling like even more an idiot than she already had. She wasn’t prepared for any of this. She felt like a foolish child being scolded, even though she was sure that wasn’t what Laura meant to do at all.
That feeling didn’t improve when she saw a few familiar faces headed their way. Carolina briefly wondered if perhaps she could just pretend not to know them, but she knew that wasn’t really a possibility, not when they were this close. It didn’t matter that she hadn’t spoken to most of the group for well over a year; Carolina would have to place nice, at least for one night.
Carolina had attempted to make friends early in her first semester of grad school, and thought she had found her people when she met a group of girls who enjoyed attending concerts as much as she did. A weird misunderstanding about re-posting photos one of the girls had taken of them all at a show had led to Carolina feeling like she was in high school all over again and she had gradually faded away from most of the group. She didn’t understand how grown adults could be so petty, and still wasn’t entirely sure what she had done wrong, other than simply being new to the group and never quite fitting in.
She wasn’t surprised to see them making a beeline for her, though, because they were just that duplicitous. She pasted on a smile, but she didn’t need a mirror to know it was fake; she could feel it tugging at the corners of her mouth, almost painfully.
“Hey, Mandie!” Carolina said with a fake enthusiasm that was almost manic. She ignored the other girls, knowing she couldn’t even begin to fake it with them. At least Mandie seemed genuine and oblivious to the rest of the group’s antics.
“Hey,” Mandie replied. “Do we know what time we’re meeting at your room tonight?”
And Mandie was a Taylor fan, too. Carolina had almost forgotten that until she saw Mandie comment on Taylor’s hotel show post. The other girls were all staring at her now, Carolina realized. She didn’t really have a way out now; other than Laura and Mandie, she really hadn’t had anyone to invite. If it ended up happening, Carolina feared the hotel show was going to be pretty pathetic.
“Oh, umm,” Carolina stuttered out, trying to avoid all the staring eyes. “Well, you know Taylor Hanson? He’s opening tonight, and he wanted to do, like, hotel shows for his fans. So I volunteered. But, I mean, I don’t know if it’s really going to happen or not.”
“Well, let us know when you find out,” one of the other girls, Holland, replied. There was something dismissive, almost mocking in her tone. Carolina didn’t like it.
She probably thought Carolina was full of shit, and truth be told, Carolina was starting to wonder, too.
Thankfully, those girls wandered off soon enough, when another of their friends arrived. Carolina felt like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. As the line began to filter into the venue, she couldn’t think about anything but the fact that she would soon be in the same room with him. It might be the closest she got to him, but fourth row wasn’t anything to complain about.
The lights went down, and there he was, with a leather jacket and a guitar. He seemed ten feet tall, but Carolina knew that was just an illusion.
She didn’t know every song he played, but it didn’t matter. After only two or three songs, she was lost in the music. Nothing else mattered but to be right there, right then, in that perfect moment.
I got a feeling that I cannot contain
I can’t believe this moment
You’ve got your eyes locked on me
In my head I think it must be a mistake
But my heart says, take your chances
It could be this first dance is the “unexpected beautiful”
I can barely admit I’ve been longing for
Sometimes Carolina forgot how much she loved music and concerts. There was no place she felt more at home than lost in a good song. She didn’t need to know the words or really understand what Taylor was singing to feel it. This was it. This was where she belonged.
Stay here in my arms tonight
There’s nothing that I wouldn’t do
I just wanna be the one you’re holding onto
And if you wanna run tonight
I’d take you anywhere you want me to
I’m giving you my heart ‘cause I
I’m lost without you
‘Cause I’m lost without you
By the chorus, she had started to catch on. She stared up at Taylor, mouthing what words she thought she had picked up. Her smile, real this time, was still painful, stretching what felt like ear-to-ear.
Taylor stared back, a slow smile spreading across his own face. He nodded, as if in recognition.
I see it all aligned in front of my face
But like a shooting star fades
It could be gone just as fast as it came
I’m gonna take this moment and chase this fear right out of me
Come one day
I will have no regrets after today
‘Cause the “unexpected beautiful”
I’m about to admit I’ve been longing for
Is staying in my arms tonight
There’s nothing that I wouldn’t do
I just wanna be the one you’re holding onto
And if you wanna run tonight
I’ll follow anywhere you want me to
I’m giving you my heart ‘cause I
I’m lost without you
Lost without you
“Did you see that? Did you fucking see?” Carolina screeched, grasping Laura’s arm so tightly that she belatedly realized she might be leaving a bruise.
Laura nodded, wincing slightly. “He was looking right at us! Right at you.”
“Well, us. I don’t know if it was just me.”
“It was you,” Laura replied.
Carolina could barely believe it, but she hadn’t been the only one to see it. It had happened. He saw her. He was looking for her—he actually knew what to look for to find her. As though she were the one worth watching, the one who mattered.
Just stay here in my arms
Just stay here in my arms tonight
Stay here in my arms tonight
There’s nothing that I wouldn’t do
I just wanna be the one you’re holding onto
And if you wanna run tonight
I’d follow anywhere you want me to
I’m giving you my heart ‘cause I
I’m lost without you
Lost without you
‘Cause I’m lost without you
‘Cause I’m lost without you
The rest of the concert went by in a blur. Carolina checked her phone between the sets, but there were still no new messages–no texts and nothing on AIM. The show wasn’t happening that night, she supposed.
That was it. The dream was over before it had even started.
When the show ended, she and Laura were easily swept up in the crowd making their way outside. A few girls bumped into them and asked if they were going to the after party, which was apparently being held at the Boom Boom Room. It sounded comical and unreal, and Carolina could only shake her head.
Laura maneuvered the two of them over to a corner, away from the rush of fans streaming out of the venue. Carefully, Carolina pulled out her phone and checked. She had typed a quick message to Taylor between his set and Rooney’s, but there was no reply.
She looked up at Laura, shrugged and shook her head.
“Well, then I guess we’re going back to the hotel. Unless you want to check out this mythical after party.”
“I don’t think we were really invited, do you?” Caroline asked.
“These kinds of things are all word of mouth or who you know. If we know about it, then we’re good to go. It’s just at a regular bar; if we can pay the cover charge, they can’t really kick us out. Anyway, it’s better than going back to the room and sulking because Taylor is being silent.”
“Okay,” Carolina replied, although she didn’t really like anything about the plan at all.
She supposed she should have been grateful that things didn’t seem to be working out. If she had to invite those girls, it couldn’t have possibly gone well. Much better to have avoided that disaster, even if it meant she didn’t get to see Taylor at all. Somehow it didn’t feel much better.
Huddled closely together so they wouldn’t lose each other, the two girls finally made their way out of the venue. There were more people scattered around the street outside, milling about mindlessly. Laura mumbled something about the club being a block away and pulled Carolina in that direction. On the corner was a parking garage that was mainly used by concert-goers. Even halfway down the street from it, in the dark, Carolina recognized the tall, thin figure casually leaned up against the wall next to the garage’s entrance, his cell phone in one hand and a cigarette in the other.
He glanced up, and they locked eyes.