Dec. 5, 2013. Romeo’s Ristorante, Sayreville, NJ.
Zac
Soundcheck the next day went well enough. Almost too well, really, and I knew the reason why. Taylor and I still weren’t talking to each other, but that included our usual bickering, too. We just ignored each other completely, sharing only as many words as absolutely necessary to get the job done. The mood was somehow even more tense than it had been when we were outright fighting. We made great progress as a band, finishing up with soundcheck half an hour earlier than expected. But it felt like an invisible wall stood between Taylor and me.
“Well, that was… productive,” Ike said when we broke for lunch. I nodded, watching from the corner of my eye as Taylor stepped offstage without even a glance behind him.
“Yeah…” I sighed and got up, tucking my drumsticks into their holder.
“You feeling okay?” Ike asked, and I looked over.
“Yeah, fine. Why?”
“Well it’s just…” Ike sighed and scratched his head. “I mean, not that I like it when you two fight, but… I don’t know. It just seems like lately, there’s something going on between you guys. Not that that’s anything new. I’m kinda used to feeling out of the loop,” he added, chuckling, but his words stung. I must have shown it, because a moment later he shook his head.
“It’s not a big deal. You guys have always been close, and that’s cool. But something’s different this tour.” He frowned, and set his guitar aside.
I got up and walked over, hands in my back pockets. “It’s… it’s nothing…” I couldn’t look him in the eyes when I said it.
“Zac,” he said, putting a hand on my shoulder. “Whatever it is, you know you can talk to me, right? I know we compartmentalize, we have to, but I’m still your brother.” He gave me such a sad smile, and I hated myself for excluding him so much. He was right; it had always been me and Taylor, and him. “Tell you what, why don’t we go get some lunch? And if you feel like talking, you can.”
We caught a cab to the closest pizza place and ordered a pie to split. I knew I had to open up to him, at least a little. I wasn’t sure what to say, though. So much of the whole mess had to be kept secret. The whole thing between Taylor and me, obviously. And as for his whole thing with Scott, it wasn’t my place to out him, no matter how badly I wanted to. But there had to be a way to make Ike understand, without going into the details.
“Okay,” I said finally after my third slice. Ike took a sip of his beer and looked at me expectantly. “So, a lot of what’s been going on… I can’t tell you. Not because I don’t want to, but…”
“It’s okay,” he said. “Just say whatever you can, and I’ll fill in the blanks.”
“Alright, where to start… So I guess this whole thing started back in LA. Remember that guy that showed up, Scott Moffatt?”
“Hm… Oh yeah, that guy. Didn’t he drag Taylor off ‘til like two in the morning?”
“Something like that,” I said, nodding.
Isaac thought for a moment, then his eyes widened a tiny bit. “Wait… Oh no.”
“Not my place to tell you,” I said, holding my hands up, but Isaac just nodded and covered his face with his hand. I wasn’t surprised he’d figured it out so quickly; he knew enough about Taylor’s history to put two and two together.
“Ah, Taylor.” He sighed, shaking his head. “Okay, so I can safely assume that’s part of it?”
“Yeah. I just kept thinking about what happened when Tay was hanging around Alex, and I got worried. I didn’t wanna have to deal with all the brokenhearted bullshit all over again.”
“Right,” Isaac said, nodding slowly. “I mean, it’s not like it’s your job, but still. That caused a lot of friction for all of us.” The three of us had argued a lot back then, too. Of course, we’d been battling our label at the same time, but dealing with Taylor’s drama hadn’t helped matters, either.
“And I tried to explain that, but of course Taylor took it the wrong way, and things kinda just… snowballed from there.”
“So, wait. Is he…” Ike’s frown deepened, and he leaned closer. “Is he, like, seeing him? Oh my god, is that where he was during the break?” He didn’t wait for me to respond before cursing under his breath and leaning back in his chair.
“You didn’t hear that from me. But that’s only half of it. See, we’d been fighting before that, just going back and forth over the whole thing. I should’ve never gotten involved.” It was about a vague a summary as I could come up with, and it didn’t really explain a fraction of why things were so strained now, especially between Taylor and me. But it was much as I could safely say.
“I don’t blame you, though. You’ve always cared about him, worried about him. Sometimes you’re worse than Natalie,” he said with a laugh. I looked away, closing my eyes. He had no idea how close to the truth he was.
“Anyway… We were at the airport, and I figured I’d give him another chance. I asked him if he wanted to hang out when we got back to Tulsa. And he said sure. He said he’d call me and we’d get together. Lying through his teeth, knowing it was total bullshit. After that… I just can’t. Not anymore.” I hated how close to tears I felt, remembering how hopeful I’d been, and then the pain when reality came crashing down. I took a long sip of my drink, wishing it was something a lot stronger than soda.
“Zac… I’m so sorry. That’s really messed up that he would do that to you. I mean, he lied to all of us, but to do that to you, of all people…” Ike reached across the table and put a hand on my arm, giving it a light squeeze. “I wish I knew what to tell you. Taylor… he’s got issues, he always has. I thought he had things under control, but I guess he’s just gotten better at hiding it. He’s not… he’s not doing drugs again, is he?”
“No, he isn’t. Scott may be an asshole, but he’s not a junkie like Alex was.” It was one of the few positive things I could say for Scott, as much as I hated to give him even that much credit.
“Well that’s good at least,” Ike sighed. “I just don’t know why he would throw away his marriage for… whatever this is.”
“Well it’s not like–” I started, but stopped myself. Taylor’s marriage was his business. But then, it was no secret how much of a bitch Natalie could be, however justified. “It’s not like he ever really wanted to marry her,” I said finally. Ike looked at me for a moment, then nodded.
“I guess not. Still, he’s risking everything for what? A cheap fling?”
“I… I don’t think it’s like that. Not this time.”
“What do you mean?”
“I… I’ve seen them together. I mean, I’ve hung out with them a couple times, when Scott came to visit. And I’ve seen how Taylor talks about him. I think…” I swallowed hard and looked away. It hurt like hell to say the words, but I didn’t want to give Isaac the wrong idea, just to cut Taylor down. I was too tired for that. “I think it’s more than just, you know, hooking up. I think… I think they really like each other. A lot.”
The realization hurt, but I had to admit, begrudgingly but still, that whatever they had was obviously more than just sex. The way Taylor’s face lit up whenever he was talking to Scott made that clear enough. And for Scott’s part, what little I’d seen, it seemed to go both ways. Still, admitting it and liking it were worlds different.
“Like… they’re actually dating?” Ike asked, and I gave a half-nod, half-shrug. I was really toeing the line of what I had a right to say. “Wow. That… definitely complicates things.” Isaac stared at me for a long moment, long enough to make me squirm in my seat a little.
“And how do you feel about that?” His question caught me a little off-guard. Sure, I obviously didn’t like the guy, but it was almost like Isaac was implying something else. But there was no way he could’ve figured out that much… right?
“I don’t know,” I sighed, leaning my head back. The things I almost wished I could say… Obviously I couldn’t be completely honest about how Taylor being in… about caring for Scott so much made me feel. But I had to give Isaac some kind of explanation, why Taylor’s relationship drama was affecting me so deeply. I settled on a less personal facet of the problem, but one that still felt genuinely important to me.
“Part of me thinks he needs to stop lying to everyone. If he wants to be with Scott, he should just man up and ask for a divorce. But I know it’s not that simple.”
“No, it isn’t. Still not impossible. I agree he needs to cut the lying, though. To everyone.”
“Fat chance of that happening,” I snorted. “I don’t think he’s physically capable of honesty.”
“Zac… I can’t tell you what to do. What I will say, is try to see things from his perspective. I’m not saying he’s in the right. I’m just saying, he got basically strong-armed into a marriage he didn’t want, forced to live a lie about part of his identity, and–let’s just say for the sake of argument he really does want to date this Scott guy. He has to risk losing everything he’s known for the past fifteen years, not to mention you know the media would have a field day considering how many times they speculated on his… preferences. That’s a lot of pressure.”
“Yeah… I guess it is.” It wasn’t that I hadn’t thought about all of that. But maybe I hadn’t really let the full weight of it sink in. Taylor had always carried the weight of the world on his shoulders; it was one of the things I both loved and hated about him. But did that really excuse how he’d treated me?
“Look, I’m not saying you should forgive him. What he did to you sounds majorly cold. But… just don’t burn the bridge, you know?”
“So just put an ‘out of order sign’ on it instead?” I suggested, and Ike laughed.
“Sure. Under construction.”
“Thanks for listening,” I said, finishing my drink. It was just about time for us to head back to the venue.
“That’s what I’m here for. Anytime you need to vent, I promise I’ll be there, no matter what.”
I wasn’t so sure about the last part, but it did feel good to open up, even as little as I had. And getting his perspective had helped. I’d said that the airport was Taylor’s last chance… but maybe one more wouldn’t hurt. After all, Ike wasn’t the only one telling me to try to work things out.
But how? How was I supposed to forgive him, after everything he’d done to me, to us? How could we possibly go back to normal, after everything that’d happened? If what I’d told Ike had been the whole truth, maybe it would be possible, with time. But the dirty, ugly reality was that he had used me up, taken what was already twisted to begin with and made it so, so much worse. He made me fall in love with him, and then smashed my heart to pieces.
But that wasn’t really the whole truth either, was it? I wasn’t innocent. I’d pushed and pulled and manipulated him to get what I wanted, hadn’t I? He’d tried to say no, the first time, and the second. But I had been greedy, and I knew how to make him give in, especially after learning his best-kept secret weaknesses. Was I just as much to blame as him?
I was tired. Tired of hating him, tired of hating myself. Maybe what he’d done was unforgivable. Maybe what I’d done wasn’t any better. But this divide was exhausting, draining my energy so much I was starting to worry I would have nothing left. Was it really worth it?
I was falling for Lily. That much was clear to me now. But it wasn’t fair to her, trying to start something while Taylor still occupied my thoughts. I needed to talk to him, to try again. Before, I’d still been jealous, but now I had my eyes on something better. So maybe I could talk to him less like an ex-lover, and more like a brother. If there was a way to wipe the slate clean and start over, I had to go for it. If for no other reason than the sake of our livelihood, because I really didn’t know what was going to happen when the tour ended. But also, Taylor had always been my best friend. If there was any way to salvage that friendship, wasn’t it worth trying with everything I had?