Dec. 2, 2013. Tour bus en route to Birmingham, AL.
Taylor
The holiday had been trying, to say the least. It was all my fault, of course, and I knew that. I wasn’t a complete idiot, regardless of what my behavior might have implied. I had known that running away from my family and lying to them couldn’t possibly end well, and I was right.
What I hadn’t counted on was just how badly Natalie would react. I knew it would be bad, but I hadn’t anticipated that bad. I had to wonder what had happened while I was gone, if something else had gone down at home to push her to the edge. I didn’t know, and I didn’t dare ask. I knew I was on thin ice with her. She had made that perfectly clear with her threat. One toe out of line and all my sins be laid bare for my family… and for all I knew, the whole world.
I knew, eventually, I would be forced to admit at least some of the truth about my relationship with Scott. But I needed to be able to do it on my terms, when he was ready for it, too. Considering the fact that Natalie had also accused me of being on coke again, I could only imagine the way she would make me look if it were up to her. Then again, I knew I wasn’t much better than she assumed. Maybe worse, considering the one big secret that she still didn’t know…
Zac. I didn’t know what to think of my conversation with him. I knew I had gone too far, lying not just to my wife, who was unfortunately accustomed to it, but lying to Zac when he had put so much faith in me. More faith than I even realized. Even if he had been the one to end things, he had also wanted to fix them… and I had ruined that.
And now I was stuck on a tour bus with him.
It had seemed easier to avoid him during the last leg of the tour, somehow. Now the bus wasn’t nearly big enough for the two of us. I tried reading books, watching movies on my laptop, but nothing seemed to distract from the elephant in the room.
Finally, I decided it might be better just to face it head on. We would have to talk eventually, or everyone would notice that something was wrong. I knew Zac wouldn’t be the first to cross that line; it was up to me to offer the olive branch, as it were. If he turned it down, at least I could say I tried. And in time, I hoped, he would realize that I was sincere.
I was the first back to the bus after our concert that night, and I parked myself in the back lounge, which everyone knew was Zac’s territory. Sure enough, it was only a matter of minutes before I heard footsteps heading my way, and seconds later, the door opened to reveal Zac, clutching a can of Dr. Pepper in his hand like it was an anchor. He flopped down on the couch without so much as a sideways glance in my direction.
“Hey, Zac,” I said softly.
“Hey.” Still not looking my way, he pulled his DS from somewhere deep in the couch cushions and turned it on.
“Did you, umm, have a good break? Aside from Thanksgiving day, I mean.”
“Yup,” he replied, although his tone said that wasn’t entirely true. It had been a stupid question anyway; I knew he’d had to put up with Natalie for much of it.
For lack of anything else to say, I replied, “That’s good.”
“I’m assuming you did too?”
“Yeah… it was nice…” I let myself trail off there, knowing Zac didn’t want any of the details. He would never understand. In truth, I wasn’t sure I understood it myself. All I knew was that it felt right to be with Scott, even if it was more than a little bit insane to accept his proposal.
Zac snorted, but didn’t say anything else, and I was grateful for that. I could only imagine what he was thinking; I’d probably had most of the same thoughts myself. If he told me how crazy I was, I didn’t think I would argue.
Cautiously, I watched him to see if he would say anything else. He didn’t, but there was something… off. I couldn’t quite figure out what it was, until I noticed that he was squirming a bit in his seat. He shifted from cheek to cheek, as though trying to find a position that didn’t hurt. I knew that particular maneuver. But I didn’t understand why Zac would be making it right then. I had to be projecting; I couldn’t be seeing what I thought I was seeing.
“You okay?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.
His eyes snapped to me for just a second, almost quickly enough to miss, then back to the tiny screen in front of him. “I’m fine.”
“You sure?”
“I said I’m fine.” He shifted positions again. He leaned back, but the second his back hit the couch, he tensed up and visibly winced.
“Zac, you… you look like you’re in pain. You’re not okay.”
He closed his eyes. “It’s nothing.”
“Zac,” I repeated softly, but with just a hint of force. It was perhaps a dick move, but he was starting to scare me. What… or who… could have done this to him? Surely not his wife; he’d made it pretty clear Kate had no interest in that side of him. What had my brother gotten himself into while I was gone?
“What?” Zac snapped, shooting me a glare that would have, under other circumstances, shut me up completely.
“I just want to know what… what’s wrong. You keep making faces like you’re really in pain, and it just… worries me, okay?” Surely he could understand that. He had to know I cared about him. I might have been horrible at showing it in a healthy way, but it was still the truth.
“It’s nothing,” he said, averting his eyes so obviously that I wanted to laugh at his transparency. “I was working in the yard, fell and scraped my back up. It’ll be fine.”
“Is that really what happened, Zac?”
He shot me a deliberately blank stare. “Yes.”
“Okay…” I replied, drawing the word out.
“Not that you’d care if it wasn’t,” he mumbled, staring at the damn game again.
“Zac,” I said, “that’s not true.”
He glanced up at me and shrugged, as though it didn’t matter at all what I said. He had clearly made up his mind, but that didn’t stop me from wanting to change it.
“I asked, didn’t I? Why would I ask if I didn’t care?”
“So you care,” he said, staring at me, as though trying to start some game of chicken, daring me to press the issue further. “Good for you. None of your business.”
“You didn’t fall in the yard, did you?” I asked, even though the answer was clear. He had all but admitted it. “And don’t tell me it’s none of my business.”
He shrugged again, and that was as good as an answer.
What had my brother gotten himself into? A part of me was afraid to even ask that. It shouldn’t have surprised me, I reasoned. After getting a taste of what there was out there for guys with our particular needs, I should have known he wouldn’t stop. He would have to find someone else to give him what I couldn’t. How could I fault him for that?
“Zac, just…” I began, then shook my head. I didn’t know if I could get through to him, if he would let a word I said penetrate this wall he’d put up between us, but I had to try. “Whatever you’re doing… just please be safe, okay?”
He rolled his eyes. “I’m not stupid, Tay.”
“I didn’t say you were.” I sighed. “But I am allowed to worry about you, you know.”
“You worried… or jealous?” He asked, a hint of a smirk on his lips.
“Worried.” I stared at him, almost in disbelief. Was I jealous? I didn’t think so; I loved him, and I knew I was weak enough to give in if he approached me again… but also I knew just how wrong it would be if I did. I didn’t think we could survive that, and so I had to lock those feelings away and focus on the more brotherly ones.
“Well don’t be,” he said, giving something of a dismissive snort. He glanced at me again, his eyelashes fluttering in a way that I tried my best to ignore. “I found someone who actually knows what they’re doing.”
I frowned, somewhat in spite of myself, because that was an insult no matter how you looked at it. “Good for you.”
“Someone who’s not afraid of hurting me,” he said casually, looking back down at his game, as though he were almost bored of this conversation.
“I wasn’t afraid…” I began, then sighed. There was no point in going down this road. It wouldn’t lead to anything good, and he had to know that as well as I did. He was just trying to get under my skin, but for what purpose, I couldn’t say.
“Right.” Zac’s eyes snapped back to me, full of skepticism, for just a moment.
“The whole situation was just… complicated, Zac.”
“Yeah, well, this one isn’t.”
“Well, I hope you’re happy,” I said honestly. I could only hope he believed me. That was truly all I had ever wanted for him, even if I had made a complete mess of things.
“You too,” Zac said, and I tried my best to ignore the edge to his voice that made those two words sound almost like a threat.
“I am,” I replied honestly. There was no point in hiding that from him, even if he didn’t need the rest of the details.
“Talk to your wife since we got back on the road?” He asked. “That’s still what she is, right?”
“Yes, she is,” I replied, staring at him. He was definitely trying to get under my skin, and I didn’t know why, but of course it was working. “And we’ve texted a bit.”
“I think she saw Kate more than I did this week. Spent half the time crying her eyes out.”
Hadn’t we been over this a dozen times already? Did he think I wasn’t constantly beating myself up for that? True, it didn’t stop me from doing it to her; it never had. But I didn’t like that I was such a horrible husband to her. It wasn’t something I took pleasure in, the way Zac seemed to be implying. It was just something I couldn’t seem to stop, and I feared even her most recent threats wouldn’t change that fact.
“But hey, as long as you had fun, right?” He snarled.
Was that really what he thought of me? I shook my head. It didn’t matter what he thought of me. His mind was made up and I knew I couldn’t change it, at least not where his opinion of me was concerned. Softly, I remarked, “Doesn’t sound like you’re in much of a position to judge what I did last week.”
“Don’t you dare try to pull that on me.” He raised his head slowly, shooting daggers from his eyes that were almost enough to make me cower. Almost. “What I’m doing is totally different. And if I want to leave her, I’ll leave and then find someone else. Not the other way around.”
“Is it really that different, Zac?” I asked. What was he even talking about? Had he had forgotten the entire last two months of our lives? “What about what we did? It’s still cheating, and yes, I’m aware that I’m cheating on my wife with Scott. I didn’t plan it that way, okay? But it happened.”
He glanced away, and when he spoke again, his voice was so low that I almost couldn’t hear him at all. “What we did shouldn’t have happened.”
“No,” I agreed. “It shouldn’t have.”
Zac winced slightly, shutting his eyes tight. I couldn’t guess what he was thinking at all.
“Just… just don’t act like you’re better than me, or like you think I don’t know that my life is a mess, okay?”
“I never said I was better than you.”
“Then what was all that stuff about if you wanted to leave Kate, you would? And trying to lay a guilt trip on me for not going home to Nat?” I asked. It wasn’t fair; he could say whatever he wanted to get under my skin, but I couldn’t say a word back. It was as though he thought I didn’t have the same emotions he had. If that was truly what he thought, then I didn’t see the point in showing them to him. I could be just as cruel and calculating as he could be.
He squeezed his eyes shut tight and rubbed his temples. “Just forget it, okay? Forget I said anything. It’s none of my business.”
“I guess it isn’t,” I replied. “If whatever you’re doing isn’t my business, then what I do with Scott isn’t yours, either.”
He nodded, but the discomfort on his face didn’t pass me by. I just chose to ignore it.
“Good,” I said. “I’m glad you agree.”
“Uh huh,” Zac replied, tossing his DS down and walking out of the room before I could say another word.
I supposed I had won that fight, but it didn’t feel like a win at all. We were both just as bruised and bloodied, neither of us escaping unscathed. There was truly no winner, and as far as I could see, no way out of the mess we had created for each other.
Once Zac was gone, I grabbed my laptop and opened it up. It took a moment to get it to connect the hotspot we’d bought for this tour so that we didn’t have to deal with fleeting wifi signals on the road. Finally, it logged me on, and I was able to open my email inbox. I felt like such a sap for it, but a warm feeling spread through my body when I saw Scott’s name at the top of the page.
Hey babe –
Hope you’re doing okay back on the road. You’ll probably be in Bumfuck, Alabama by the time you get this, if my math is right. So I thought this would cheer you up a bit. It’s still not polished up, but here’s the recorded version of that song I played for you. Hope you like it.
– S
The message was short and not even all that sweet, but it left a smile on my face nonetheless. Scott wasn’t a man of many words, but I knew now how to read between the lines and see what he truly meant. If I had any doubts, his songs cleared them up all up. I wrestled my earbuds out of my pocket and plugged them in, letting myself get lost in his voice.
Everything was still a mess, but for a moment, while I could imagine Scott was right there with me, things were okay.