Nov. 23, 2013. Lynn Lane, Tulsa, OK.
Lily
I stood outside the playroom door, clutching the water bottles I had brought back from the kitchen for the two of us. To my surprise, I realized my hands were shaking. Closer attention revealed that the tremor went all the way through my body, from fingertips to toes. I knew there was a term for this–topspace. It wasn’t something I normally experienced, domination not being something I necessarily craved, but it made a certain sort of sense. I didn’t normally react this way when playing with a client, but using my knife was sure to cause some sort of different reaction.
Finally, I steadied myself enough to push open the door. Zac had turned loose of the blanket he’d clearly been using to hide his arousal, but had only managed to put on his boxer briefs. He sat cross-legged on the bed, drawing invisible patterns on the sheets with one finger. It was unnerving to see how quickly he switched from dangerously perfect little sub to innocent and almost childlike.
I fumbled a little as I offered him water, which he declined. I took a long sip of mine before placing the two bottles on the bedside table.
“So,” I said, taking a careful seat on the edge of the bed. “How are you feeling now?”
“Alright, I guess,” he replied. His eyes were trained on me, but he seemed to be making a concerted effort to keep them blank. “Like I said, a little bummed I’ll be away for so long. It kinda sucks being stuck with the same few guys day after day.”
“This is a business trip?” I asked. We seemed to be avoiding actually talking about what his business was, so I made a point not to say the word tour.
“Yeah,” he replied, a thoughtful look on his face. “You could call it that.”
“So you’ll be with…” I began, lowering my voice, “that person you shouldn’t be thinking about?”
He glanced down. “Yeah, I will.”
I ran my fingers through his hair. My voice still soft, but firm, I said, “Well, then you’ll have to try extra hard to be good, won’t you?”
Zac nodded, but didn’t meet my eyes.
“You can do it, Zac. I know you can.” I caressed his hair gently, trying not to revel in how soft it was. It didn’t help that my motions put an adorable smile on Zac’s face as he leaned against me. “I know it’ll be tough, especially being around them all the time…”
“Yeah,” Zac replied. He chewed on his lip for a moment, then added, “It is tough being around… him.”
“Mhm,” I agreed, noting his choice of pronoun. He had mentioned, during our first consultation, that his previous Dom had been a man, but I hadn’t thought much of that at the time. “Seeing each other all the time… makes it tough to hide those kind of feelings, doesn’t it?”
Zac nodded, his lips curling into an adorable pout.
“Does he know how you feel at all?” I asked. We were getting into very personal territory now, which wasn’t something I was sure Zac would be comfortable with, but he hadn’t stopped me yet.
He snorted. “Yeah.”
“Oh, I see.” I wasn’t sure why that had taken me by surprise, but it had. Perhaps it wasn’t an unrequited crush.
“Remember that not-really-Dom I had?” He asked.
“Mhm,” I replied, the dots suddenly connecting for me. “Let me guess—same guy?”
“Yup.”
I ran my fingers through his hair again. “That’s… that’s not an easy situation for you at all, then, is it?”
“No…” He replied, his eyes shimmering with sadness.
“You know that new rule applies to him, too, yes?” I asked, the hint of a command belied by the hand still petting his hair.
He snorted. “Don’t worry; that ship sailed, crashed and sank.”
“Sounds like it,” I replied, surprised to realize I was frowning. Zac’s attempt at humor was only to deflect from his pain; I had learned this much about him. “But I know you might be tempted, being around him all the time…”
Zac shook his head firmly and gave me a shockingly intense stare. “No. I’m trying to move on. It’s never gonna happen, so I need to just try to find happiness… elsewhere.”
“I understand,” I replied. “I just want to make it clear that the rule applies to him as well.”
“Yes, Mistress,” he replied. His brow furrowed, and he looked just a bit lost in thought. “Do you think…”
“What?” I prodded.
“Do you think, if I get…” He began, looking uncharacteristically shy, “tempted… I could maybe call you?”
“Of course,” I replied, smiling in a bit in relief. Compared to all the possible requests a client could make, that was fairly tame. “I think it might be good for you to check in with me, anyway.”
“Yeah?” He asked, a wide smile spreading across his face. “Okay.”
“Mhm. I think maybe once a week, just to check in?” I felt my own smile growing. “But you can call anytime you’d like. Anytime you need.”
“Okay,” he replied. “I will. It’ll be good you hear your voice.”
“Good.” I couldn’t resist the urge to pet his hair again, my cheeks practically hurting from smiling so hard. When Zac nuzzled my hand like a little kitten, the smile broke and turned into laughter.
He leaned his head against my shoulder, presumably to give me better access to his hair, and I let out a sigh. Cuddling and affection had not been part of our arrangement, yet they seemed like a natural part of what aftercare with him entailed. They seemed as necessary, if not more so, for me to recover from the encounter than for him. Yet when I felt him nuzzling my neck, I tensed. That was definitely not part of the arrangement.
I moved my hand to his shoulder, hoping that if I stopped, he would get the hint that it was time for him to stop, too. No such luck. I felt his nose brush against my ear, his lips grazing the skin just below it. It could have been an accident, but I wasn’t so sure.
“Well, someone’s feeling… affectionate tonight.”
“Maybe…” Zac replied softly, his voice barely more than a husky whisper.
I tightened my grip on his shoulder. “I think you’re probably still a bit… out of sorts, yeah? Tonight was intense, trying something new…”
“I feel fine.” His lips brushed my neck again, and this time I knew it wasn’t a mistake.
I nudged him back gently but firmly. “I’m sure you do, but I’m not sure you’re thinking straight, Zac.”
He paused and stared at me for a moment, then let his gaze fall. “Right. Umm… sorry.”
“It’s okay, Zac,” I replied softly. “I know when things get intense, like tonight, your emotions can kinda get away from you. I just wanna be sure that you remember that this is a professional arrangement, okay?”
He nodded, still not meeting my eyes, and lunged over the side of the bed to grab his pants.
“You don’t need to be in a hurry now, Zac.” I hoped I hadn’t embarrassed him too much. He truly hadn’t pushed the boundaries that much, and it was easy to get confused in the afterglow. He didn’t need to feel so bad about it.
He paused for only a moment before stepping into his pants. He gathered up his shirt a little more slowly, but showed no signs of actually stopping.
“Zac,” I said softly but firmly. “Look at me.”
He finally met my eyes, but his were entirely devoid of emotion. Only his red cheeks hinted at any feelings at all.
“You didn’t do anything wrong, Zac,” I said, keeping my eyes locked on his. “I understand what happened, but let’s try to make sure it doesn’t happen again, okay?”
He broke the stare, but nodded.
“Good.” I gave him the tiniest smile, hoping to assure him that it was, indeed, fine.
He finished doing up the buttons on his shirt, then sat gingerly on the edge of the bed. A sheepish look on his face, he said, “Sorry about that.”
“It’s alright,” I said softly.
He stared down, his hair falling in his eyes, and picked at his jeans.
“Zac…” I scooted closer to him. “Do you want to talk? About anything?”
He just shrugged. Given that the session was, effectively, over, I decided to let that one slide.
“You can talk to me, Zac. I know I just said this is a professional thing, but it’s still a… a close sort of relationship. If you need to talk, I’ll listen.”
He sighed deeply. “I guess I’m just tired of feeling… stuff.”
I nodded. It was a simple, in-eloquent statement, but I thought I understood. “A lot of people to turn this sort of thing to deal with that feeling.”
“I don’t want to feel anything anymore,” he said, the words almost whispered. “All it does is hurt.”
“Zac,” I said, scooting closer still and placing a hand on his thigh. “I know that’s how it feels now, but things can always change. Believe me.”
“Some things can’t,” he said simply, giving me a look that made something in my chest seem to snap.
Ignoring that feeling, I replied, “Either things change, or you do. That’s the only way to survive stuff, and Zac, you are going to survive this, okay?”
He responded to that with a childish, adorable pout.
“I know it’s not easy. But you’re strong; I know you are.”
“You think?” He asked, giving me a weak smile.
“Yes. I do.”
“Thanks,” he replied, the smile growing. “Glad someone does.”
I patted his thigh. “You’re welcome.”
He glanced down, and I saw his hand twitching against his other leg. I could practically see his train of thought barreling down the tracks, and I pulled my hand back before he could touch it. It would have been a fairly innocent gesture, I supposed, but somehow it seemed so, so wrong.
“Okay, then.” I cleared my throat. “Feeling better? I know a little conversation doesn’t fix everything…”
“No…” he replied, his cheeks just a bit red but the tiniest of smiles on his lips, “but it helps.”
“Good.” I smiled at him again. There was just something contagious about his crooked smile, and I couldn’t help returning it, especially knowing I was part of the cause.
Zac stared at me, his eyelashes fluttering as his eyes drifted downward. It took a moment to realize they had landed on my lips, and though that could have been because of my smile, something told me he had other thoughts in mind. He licked his own lips, and that pang in my chest settled deep into my stomach.
“Okay, then,” I said, clearing my throat. “Umm. Should we schedule your next session for when you get back?”
“Hmm?” Zac asked, blinking rapidly. “Oh, yeah… okay.”
“Umm, no rush. Not trying to get rid of you.”
He smirked. “Not yet, huh?”
“Not yet,” I echoed. “There’s no time limit, as long as you’re willing to pay, and I’m not totally sick of you yet.”
“Not totally?” Zac asked, giving me a nudge. “So, just a little?”
“Hey, watch it,” I replied, nudging him back.
He nudged me again, harder. “Oh yeah? Or what?”
I raised an eyebrow, snapping back into my proper role. “You really want to start earning punishments for next time?”
“Maybe?” He chuckled, grinning sheepishly.
“You’re something else,” I replied, shaking my head. I had dealt with so-called smartass subs before, but Zac was in a category all his own.
“That a compliment or an insult?”
I smirked. “A little bit of both.”
“I’m used to that.” Zac nodded, a smirk spreading across his lips.
“Why am I not surprised?”
He gave an exaggerated gasp. “Now that hurts.”
“Of all the things I could do—and have done—to you, that’s what hurts?”
Zac nodded, pouting, but it was clear he was still playing. I wasn’t sure I liked his playful side,but if he could dish it out, so could I.
“Oh, you can handle it,” I teased.
His pout quickly turned to a proud grin. “And then some.”
I rolled my eyes. “We’ll just see about that, won’t we?”
“I hope so,” Zac replied, his tone just a bit more serious.
“Oh, we certainly will. Consider that a promise.”
“Good,” he replied, but the way his eyes trailed up and down my body was anything but.
I raised an eyebrow at that, hoping I wouldn’t have to tell him in so many words that checking me out was inappropriate. The way he bit his lip seemed to suggest that he knew he had misbehaved in some way. But when he glanced away, a soft sigh falling from his lips, I felt myself giving in.
“What is it?” I asked, almost dreading the answer.
“Nothing.” Zac shook his head. He placed a hand on my knee, his fingers twitching a bit. “Mis—Lily?”
“Yes?” I asked, trying to keep my face as blank and neutral as possible.
“Nothing.” He blinked. “Nevermind.”
“Okay… if you say so.” I was beginning to realize it was anything but okay, but I didn’t even know how to begin to address the problem, when I wasn’t even sure if the problem was me, him or both.
“It’s just…” he began, “I know I’m just a customer. Nothing to you but another paycheck. But if you need to talk, I’ll listen.”
“You are a customer, yes,” I replied, “but none of my clients are just a paycheck. It’s not really that kind of job. But Zac, you’re even less my therapist than I am yours. No offense.”
“None taken. But I don’t have to be a therapist to listen, do I?”
“I suppose not, but I don’t have anything to talk about, alright. I’m fine.” I forced a small smile to offset my words, which hadn’t been nearly as kind as I had intended them to be.
“Okay…” Zac replied, eyeing me carefully as though he were trying to find some proof I was lying. I trusted my acting abilities enough to be sure he wouldn’t know what I was thinking, but obviously he could tell that I was thinking something.
“I do appreciate the offer, though,” I added.
“No problem.” He gave me a genuine smile. “You… you’re alright. I like talking to you like this, when we’re not playing. It’s not what I expected, but in a good way.”
I nodded. “It’s important to have a… a good rapport with my clients.”
“We have to trust each other,” Zac agreed.
“Absolutely.” Had then there been clients I didn’t trust? One or two, perhaps. But there were always signs. There were always moments when I saw what was going to come and was able to stop things before it became dangerous… for either of us. With Zac, things didn’t seem quite so simple.
His eyes fell to my lips again, and it was clear he was making no effort to hide it. “Trust each other enough to know when it’s okay to push the limits…”
“I suppose…” I said, though I wasn’t so sure that I agreed with the direction I thought he was going. But surely he wasn’t. He wouldn’t… would he?
“Some rules were made to be broken, after all,” Zac said, a distinctly devious smirk spreading across his lips. I found that unsettled me even more than his smile.
“Some,” I agreed. “It’s important to know which ones, though.”
He nodded, leaning in just a fraction closer. The movement might have been unintentional, but I doubted it. “But when the punishment is so sweet, sometimes it’s hard to be good.”
“I suppose,” I sat flatly, my entire body tensing. I felt so tightly wound that I thought I might actually be vibrating.
Zac stared at me for a moment, and again I could see the exact trajectory of his train thought, but I was powerless to stop it. He leaned forward, his lips practically crashing into mine, yet with a clear precision.
I froze. I knew I should stop him, but I couldn’t convince any part of my body to move, not even my lips. All I could think was how soft his lips were. In spite of the occasional prickly parts of his personality, and the muscles that rippled underneath his skin when I pushed his limits, Zac was surprisingly soft in so many ways.
I was brought back to the present moment when I felt his tongue grazing my bottom lip. That was all it took to snap me back to my sense. I pulled back and stared at him, feeling myself trembling all over.
“Zac,” I said, my voice not nearly as stern as I had hoped.
He put a hand on the back of my neck and pressed his lips to mine again, this time gently but still with such clear intent that I knew he was entirely in control of his actions now.
I pried his hand off my neck and scooted away from him. I didn’t make it far before bumping into the headboard. “Now, Zac… I know you’re all about earning your punishments, but I think this is taking it too far.”
Zac just stared at me, his chest rising and falling with obvious effort and his eyes full of something I could only identify as lust.
“I think this is definitely a place where we need to draw the line, Zac,” I said, making a deliberate effort not to meet his eyes. If I did… well, I wasn’t so sure what I would do, and I didn’t want to give myself the chance to find out.
“Yeah…” he said, taking a deep breath and glancing down. “You’re probably right.”
“I’m sure I am.” I didn’t feel sure of anything right then, but Zac didn’t need to know that.
“Okay.” He nodded. “I didn’t mean to take it that far, and I’m sorry.”
“I know,” I replied. In an attempt to lighten the mood a bit, I added, “But you know you’re already racking up the punishments, yes?”
He gave me a guilty smirk. His voice low, he said, “I think I’ll be racking up some more when I get home tonight.”
My eyes widened. His words were vague, but the smirk told me that I hadn’t misunderstood at all. Was he trying to cross all possible lines? I knew he enjoyed earning his punishments, but this was getting ridiculous.
“I’ll keep that in mind the next time I see you,” I replied, trying to return his smirk. In fact, I didn’t want to think at all about what he had implied—but it was too late. I could, I feared, quite accurately picture his face when—I stopped myself mid-thought, and shook my head. “You’re going to have quite a tally by then, aren’t you?”
Zac just grinned proudly and nodded.
“Horrible,” I replied. “You’re absolutely horrible.”
“Well, hey…” He said softly, leaning in closer to me, a strangely shy look on his face. “At least I won’t be thinking about him.”
Ignoring the very overt implication there, I gave him a stern look. “I seem to recall the rule being no jerking off at all.”
“So I’ll only be breaking half a rule.” Zac shrugged, then gave me another obvious glance up and down. “But maybe the crime’s worth the punishment.”
Before I could respond, he was on his feet and out the door, leaving me confused and breathless on the bed. This was not at all how a session with a client was supposed to end, but I had known from the beginning that Zac wasn’t the typical client. It was my own fault, really.
Somehow, that didn’t make me feel any better.